Today is the Day

Today is the day when the hubs rescued me two years ago. The day I've been calling "my second 2nd birthday."

At the gym people often bring in treats for birthdays. Last night the hubster stood by me in the kitchen as I slowly integrated puffs of confectioner's sugar into a cream cheese icing for my gingerbread mini-cupcake. He asked, "Whose birthday is it?" and I kept quiet, staring into the whirling machine.

He doesn't like to talk about that day. It's understandable how traumatic it was for him! It did sting a little to realize that he had forgotten the anniversary though. I tried to get away with not telling him and in the end, whispered, "It's mine."

He breathed a heavy, "Ahh." Came toward me and pulled me into a hug as our eyes mutually drew tears. Distraught at the memories and then amazed to discover how long ago it felt. We are getting further and further from that day. No matter how messy the year behind went or the one ahead goes, any progress forward is a beautiful victory.

Tonight we get to have a dinner together. I've been struggling with anxiety and tears. Feeling lonely and struggling to reach out to friends that I see nearly everyday. I can speak about it all when asked. It's much more difficult to share out of the blue!


With the husbands' working situation fluctuations of late, we're in a month without insurance. A month when I really should've been in for ECT a week ago and are now having to schedule out for May. It is scary. I've been feeling "off" and weakened, hoping for ECT to help. For now, I'm trying to hang on and be satisfied with less. My schoolwork hasn't been going well.

Ahem.

Moving on. No need to rehash more of what haunts me right now.

Wish I could spend more time here, I really must make sure I eat enough and get enough water after such a work out this morning.

Hope to type again soon. <3 Gratitude, hugs, and love.

Hi Again

It's been awhile. Life has been whirling and I've been day-to-day, focusing on staying steady.

Feels strange to be on this screen again... familiar and yet not quite cozy. I'm going to try something a little different and we'll see what happens as I write this update!


A) AMBIGUITY - This is always a part of life and lately I've had a few scenarios in which I have had to mindfully accept ambiguity.

One has to do with CrossFit and a coach there. I have been experiencing anxiety wondering if she will be at the gym or if she will punish us before class or say something mean or look at me in that uniquely punitive and demeaning fashion.

That's my safe space and it's being threatened. I am not sure if she is simply going through a rough time (and even so I'm not sure if I can manage to empathize enough to counter balance my distress) or if this is just how she is going to be. I have considered trying other class times but fear losing connection with my new friends... we shall see.

Another case of ambiguity relates to my husband's family. There has been conflict between the siblings on-and-off for years. At the moment there seems to be a flare up regarding his brother. We had a good visit with him and his daughter and plan to maintain a neutral position while the sisters muster their forces.

There had been plans for the entire family to get together this Christmas. Now that's in the air. I don't like ambiguity with big holidays or events, so I hope it gets ironed out soon regardless of the plan-I just need to know!


B) BRIGHT EYES - I got some good news!

I have applied for grad school in order to obtain a Master's in Teaching-English. I didn't realize at the time that my individual classes would be evaluated and that my degree all by itself wasn't a golden ticket! When the enrollment counselor mentioned this I was very anxious to see if my classes would meet prerequisite requirements and whether or not I would have many courses to complete before my program classwork could commence.

Well, the evaluation came back and I was only short three requirements. I submitted course descriptions and syllabi and got two of those classes applied as well! All that remains is a public communications class because I decided to take "Interpersonal Communication" during high school instead of a 101 class...

Whatever. I am quite pleased! My hope of beginning the program before the year still glimmers... with a self-paced class I should be able to bang out that public speaking credit pretty durn quick.


C) CONFLICT - While things have simmered a bit in regards to my living situation, there has been increased tension between my folks.

It seems to be cooling a bit now. Last week it was more troublesome. My mother usually stuffs her frustrations with  my father and his consistent absence and neglect. Every once in a while she will boil over and this time that meant bickering with my dad as well as snapping at my sister and generally losing her cool.

The conflict is stressful for me even if I'm not directly involved. As far as tension with the hubs and I directly, things have been pretty quiet. We gave notice and have a moving date and I think everyone has just been biding their time. Awkward at times, but better overall.


D) DAGNABBIT - I am still navigating injuries. My shoulder and some wee tendons/muscles in my upper arm are bothering me on my right side. My right ankle is still healing up. My left shoulder/arm are still bothering me in regards to my thoracic outlet syndrome (numbness, tingling, weakness). I am also quite tense in my chest and shoulders which means icing and heating pad and stretching and... ugh. It's one thing dialing it down at gym, it's another when just LIVING is a challenge and uncomfy/painful.

Another dagnabbit... had a panic attack today. Damn box jumps. Wasn't completely awful. Couple minutes running cold water over my wrists and splashing my face, mindful breathing, and censoring judgments helped get me back to right.


Well. I have to get ready for my occupational therapy appointment now. I hope that I can make more time for blogging and not only read and comment but post more too! It's... it's good. Need to get back on this horse!

Thanks for being here readers-TTFN :o)

Catching Up

Feels like it's been too long since my last post. I have had so many different ideas for posts between then and now. I'm sure that I won't be able to post them all (I've forgotten some ideas already, I'm sure) so I'll just throw together a variety into a "Catching Up" post and call it good!



How am I doing? 

Not awful and not great. The hubs told my folks that we'll be moving out at the end of the month and I feel like the dynamic has changed a bit. Either way, I was pretty stressed spending more time with my family the last few days. We did have a pretty good time a local fair:

Anxiety levels are up. Garbled speech. Tears at CrossFit. Bickering with the hubs. Suppressed appetite combined with comfort eating. I've been able to cling to an awareness that it's my illness although I'm quite aware that I could easily slip into a dangerous space in a moment's notice. Last night I began feeling like I wanted to wander off down the street to escape stress and I was able to catch the thought and navigate out of that danger zone.



What's new?

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness month here in the US and I wanted to do something special on my Facebook page. Instead of one special post, I'm going to post several times about suicide prevention. I haven't shared anything specific about my personal story, although I feel like I will at some point.

It's still quite taboo. My first family won't really talk about it. I can talk openly about it with the hubs and my in-laws though. I make it a point to be open with friends and acquaintances about my experiences and where I'm coming from too. I try not to overshare (even when suffering from social anxiety my mouth seems to have a tendency to just keep moving) and I also don't beat around the bush.

Going through what I went through and having felt so lonely and rejected for so many years I feel compelled to act as an advocate. I think it's a part of me that I wasn't quite aware of before, because while breastfeeding I acted as an advocate as well! Hmm... Anyways. Sharing my story has been mostly well received so far. Sometimes there are awkward moments-sure-overall I've had positive experiences.

Also, re-injured my ankle. Still nursing the thoracic outlet syndrome issues too. Frustrating.

That kinesia-whatever tape AIN'T NO JOKE!

Any plans?

I have plans to hang out with a gal from CrossFit and her son (whom BB adores) outside of gym. I'm not only excited to hang out for fun's sake, I'm excited to be practicing my social skills! We've already ventured out after CrossFit a couple times with other moms and kiddos. Even went to a happy hour with some other adults one evening with the hubs. Baby steps :o)

I've also made plans to meet up with a friend up north to go check out a glass pumpkin patch. I'm excited! I suspected that I had wanted to do this for a long time and hadn't been able to (the hubby confirmed this for me) so I'm happy to finally get around to it. I love glass art and I think it'll be a great way to break into fall.

Pending plans also regarding my schooling... I sent in transcripts and am waiting to hear back from an online college whether or not my degree includes all the pre-reqs they want in order to begin my Master's in Teaching-English.



Feel like life's a bit messy right now. Spinning a lot of plates and such. Bit hectic and confusing and feeling out of control, but I'm able to set that aside and let things roll. I'm doing what I can and I don't want to get caught up in the details. One thing at a time. Momentum will keep things going, I don't need to manage each tiny thing!


I hope.... ;o)



Happy September and I hope to do some catching up on other blogs very soon!

Acknowledge, Accept, Engage

Ya might think this will be a political post and it isn't. The truth is that I've been having a rough time and I haven't posted about it because I'm self-conscious about posting too often and/or posting incongruous posts. Well, that's life with mental health diagnoses. I can have glorious moments on family vacation and horrible lows all in the same week-or day.

So here goes.

The Friday before we left for our road trip I had my first full-on panic attack in months. My anxiety had been elevated for weeks and I think the pre-departure stress put me in a very vulnerable position.

The class that day was probably around triple the usual size because of an altered schedule that week. We were doing an exercise that involved many people dropping barbells almost in unison. That first round put me over. The tears came on, my body began shaking, my heart rate sky rocketed, and a flush came over me beyond my workout glow.

I grabbed my water bottle and purse, bounding into the front room to haphazardly open my emergency pill container that dangles from my wallet at all times. Between the shakes and my restrictive weightlifting wrist bands it was quite a task! After popping my pill I ran cold water over my hands and face before grabbing some frozen sponges and taking some time to walk around outside to calm myself. A friendly childcare/office lady talked with me during this time and helped me calm down as well.

Yesterday, I had to run out of a workout again.

I haven't been able to manage my anxiety the last several weeks and injuries preventing me from engaging in my workouts as I'd like have been quite upsetting. With the elevated anxiety I wasn't able to think straight and ask my coach for help scaling, instead I panicked when the workout began and subsequently walked out before a full blown panic attack struck.

I collapsed on the grass in the sun outside the gym and cried.

My coach hollered from the warehouse door to see if I was okay and I told him it was anxiety and that I'd be fine.

Later, after the workout, he asked if I wanted to talk about it. I started crying and shrugged my shoulders. He asked if the anxiety just "cropped up" and I told him that it had been a problem for a while. This time, it was more than anxiety though, the suicidal impulses have returned. I told him that I had some mental health diagnoses that involve anxiety and chronic suicidality. That these disorders require me to work out frequently at a certain intensity or things can get dangerous for me. My injuries have been gumming that up.

He thanked me for talking to him and I thanked him as well. A couple other folks inquired as to my well being and wished me well.

I love the support I've received there. It does freak me out that I'm experiencing such intense symptoms where I feel most safe. I can understand it, sure, I'm just concerned that I can't even relax at my relaxing place.



I'm very scared. The dips are persisting longer than they have in a long time. I've had suicidal episodes since moving here, they were acute though. This is a different animal. A slippier animal.

The hubs has pushed things into high gear looking for alternate housing. I've been trying to avoid my family as much as possible. I still need to pull out my DBT book and focus on really working some skills...

My brain is slow yet my thoughts are fast.

My body is weary yet I can't relax.

I have to acknowledge this isn't just a little dip. I've had a few intense episodes since the move and this isn't that. It's been a slow, sneaky descent. I find it more difficult to recognize the dark logic as my disease and I'm starting to romanticize suicidal ideations.

I feel like I'm walking a very dangerous line. I feel desperate. I am afraid. And I'm crying at the drop of hat-more and more in public and when driving (not exactly safe).

Moving here was a bad, bad idea. I came in with the best intentions, trying to tamp down the fear and focus on meeting the challenge, but I have to retreat.

Over and over I think, "my family is killing me," and it haunts me. I feel guilt. I feel anger. I don't think they mean to and yet a sense of victimization overwhelms me. It isn't fair. Why me? So many other people have it so much worse... It's so messy. It's so hurtful. They aren't safe. This can't be malicious, you can't hold them accountable for ignorance... I feel like they would be offended and confused to hear this and yet I can't deny it. I don't want to hurt them, I don't want to blame them (though it is so hard to delineate between fact and blame for me)... but a cut needs to be made. I need to excise this threat.

Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain for staying, pain for leaving.

I suppose my brain chemistry at the moment doesn't help either.



Hope this isn't too incoherent. Thanks for being here, from vacation to crisis :o)

Where we're at... (with random pics)

Hasn't been a bed of roses, not that that'll surprise any of ya! It hasn't been disaster either, so that's good.

This past weekend my parents, the hubster, and I had a "fireside chat" about the CPS drama. It was stressful for me although I did pretty well overall. I was able to express myself without stirring the pot too much and stand up for myself a little.

BB developin' his style

That said, I don't think they were interested in really hearing my point of view. They summed up the entire issue as a "difference in parenting styles," even after I'd said something about "we understand that, there's certain things that cross the line for us though." Didn't seem to land in their brains at all.

Same for any allusion to emotional abuse or trauma. My concerns for my nephew seemed to be dismissed as me being overly sensitive. My mother defended my sister by reminding us "BB used to be that age once" and "she's doing the best she can and I think she's doing a great job."

Well, hate to break it to ya Mom, "a great job" by your definition seems to mean a lifelong battle with mental illness, self worth, and negative coping habits. "A great job" seems to mean ignoring a child in need and supplementing emotional support and love with impulse buys and sweets. (A-I know she did what she could for us and I think I've mostly forgiven that aspect, it just pisses me off when she invalidates my feelings and opinions as an adult B-I think everyone has some issue from childhood, nobody is a perfect parent)

I like to assume that everyone is doing their best... and I'm not sure if my personal hurt is getting in the way of me being able to believe that this is the best my family can do or whether I still believe they can do better? I really think I'm giving up on that latter part.

Shaved ice w/ Daddy

Speaking to the hubs last night, I struggled to express my frustration and grief regarding my family. I'm fed up. I'm not willing to put myself and my family at risk to wait around for rare moments of encouragement or empathy. I'm not willing to bite my tongue and invalidate my opinions to avoid conflict. I've spent decades repressing my opinion, negating my existing, and letting others put me down while they desperately try to make themselves feel better... screw that.

My parents closed the fireside discussion with a mandate stating that I need to give my sister an apology. (Mind you, we had established during the discussion that neither myself or the hubby had called and that we thought it must've been my therapist concerned about the things I'd shared with her***)

So apologize for what?

The hubs told me later that it would be a political, meaningless apology. The parents seemed to think that I should say I'm sorry that she's had to go through this... which I could interpret as empathy. I will not, however, apologize in any way that implies guilt. The words "sorry" or "I apologize" ain't crossin' these lips. I'm not even sure how sorry I am that she's had to go through this... I want her to have a wake up call! I want her to think more about how she's mothering my nephew! That means distress, that means the friction of change, that means unpleasantness.

Hiking. He decided he was done
and hopped on the Momma Express!

Still messy. Still getting the cold shoulder. Still tense. I'm trying to refocus on my health and keeping busy with BB and away from the house as much as I can. The hubs is looking into housing options and we're planning a road trip first week of August as our summer vacation/getaway.

Feeling myself slipping and thinking those negative thoughts, having more and more unhealthy impulses, and living in fear instead of living in the now. Things have to change. Tryin' to dance with my family ain't working-I have to get my own rhythm back!


Feel like an over-emotional rebel expressing all these messy feelings... I think these tough transitions in life should feel uncomfortable and challenging, right? Especially for someone that doesn't have a lot of practice having an opinion? *shrug* *sigh* Doin' what I can!


***Did what we had to do, ya know?

Commercial Breaks

It would seem that this MTV special (AKA my sister's life) is ongoing and trying to script in my family.

We had a wonderful trip to visit my in-laws. Parks, visiting old friends, good food, and good talks. It was relaxing and rejuvenating. Maybe just not rejuvenating enough.

Our weekend was marred by confusing texts and snaps from my family. My sister and mom would snap happy, silly, goofy stuff that would make me feel like everything was simmering down and everyone was moving on. Then we'd get texts about "I talked to my lawyer friend..." or "I really need to know if you or [the hubster] had anything to do with this."

It's like the good times were just short commercial breaks from all the shit! Confusing and stressful!

At one point we were out to dinner with the hubby's sister and had a great, in-depth chat about the CPS system and how investigations work. She had worked at APS for a while and knows people in CPS so she was a great resource.

That chat calmed me down a bit and then more crap came down the tubes. Some more texts freaking me out and pissing the hubster off. He ended up calling my father and telling him, "this needs to stop, Hannah is not handling the stress of this well and hasn't been very good overall the last couple months and we need to make sure she stays safe."

Apparently they seemed to reach a reasonable place of understanding and the next time my sister texted us the hubby took over and told her to stop harassing his family which seemed to shut that down.

Still, I was really anxious about coming back from our mini-vacay. I expected the Ice Queen treatment from my sister, what I didn't expect was my anxiety presenting in an overly chatty, outgoing type of way that was really confusing for everyone...

The hubs kept telling me I needed to get it together and then things spiraled a bit. It was a bad night. Thankfully not suicidal although there were definitely a lot of self-harming urges. I ended up sobbing quite loudly into my pillows at one point because I was so frustrated with the whole kit-n-kaboodle: living here, my sister, my parents, my nephew, my family's well-being, the pets.... The dam broke.

The next evening my mother returned from her trip outta state. I was very anxious to see her and confused a bit by the mixed emotions I sensed during the initial "welcome back" conversation. She was giddy and sharing all her travel stories and then took a break to go do laundry or something. After she returned, the atmosphere became darker, stressful and she said something like, "Well, I know there was some action that went down here while I was gone and we're gonna be talking about that."

It felt ominous and threatening and my already heightened anxiety stepped up a few notches. Thankfully I didn't cry and was able to say something like, "I can't talk about that right now. My anxiety has been really bad the last week."

It feels like a witch hunt. I haven't felt entirely safe here anyways and now I feel like I'm constantly on guard.

I don't know how things will work out and I'm trying to avoid replaying possibilities over and over in my head. That said, I think I've come to realize that living around my family just isn't healthy for me and waiting around for them to become safe to be around isn't a safe choice. I don't know what things will look like in the future, it certainly doesn't look like we'll be living around this area for much longer.

I'm okay with that. I'm okay with distancing, I'm okay with building a life that works for the hubby, BB, and myself that might not involve my family. It will probably be tricky and emotionally rocky, I think it will be worth it though. I need to get back on that positive progress path and keep moving onward and upward. I don't want to be stalling out and backsliding and getting entrenched in childhood muck over and over...

I'm moving on. It's a big rope tying me to this baggage and I'm starting to saw away at it. Come what may.



***Whew. That felt pretty dramatic.... talking about my sister's life being an MTV special and I just felt like I was in "Pirates of the Caribbean!"

I don't like living in an MTV special...

This morning was a tough one at the gym, especially when my left arch gave out during warm-up. I ended up rolling my feet on a hard ball for a while and when I did the workout of the day I scaled from the running into rowing. Anyways... it was tough. It left me a bit frazzled and without appetite which made feeding BB and staying focused difficult.

While I was grilling a grilled cheese my mother called. Her voice... was frosty. She sounded angry or scared, definitely more serious than I normally hear her. She said she needed me to listen very carefully and went on to say that my sister was in hysterics and that someone had called CPS on my sister and were coming by for an inspection that day.

I felt sick. I got lightheaded. I tried to hold the panic back and focus on one thing at a time. I got BB fed and called the hubster. 

The CPS folks were scheduled to come at 1:30, during BB's nap. Turned out that BB had a hard time getting down for his nap around noon and I had to drive him around for his nap today. I wasn't there for the visit. My sister, her boyfriend, my brother, my dad, and I think one of my sister's friends was there too... 

The investigators called me while I was driving home and I stopped by their office (the hubster happened to be able to meet me there) and they looked over BB and spoke with us. 

It was all so intense. So stressful. Watching my family in distress was surreal and distressing. Seeing my nephew so innocent and unaware of what was happening just heartbreaking.

Most of the time these sorts of things are unable to be properly substantiated and don't get beyond a "here's some resources, try to do a better job," so I'm not afraid of my nephew being taking away or "put in the system." I hope if anything that it will only improve the situation for him and my family. 

Living here these couple months I have noticed how much parenthood is wearing on them. I do believe my nephew could have a better emotional environment. I hope this is all for the best.

My family has been searching for answers and trying to figure out where the report came from. It feels a bit like an MTV special with all the drama... certainly doesn't feel like my "real life." Wow. Guess you never know, eh?

In the meantime I have to calm back down. Probably going to take my sleeping meds tonight!

In other news, we're heading over the mountains to visit my in-laws. We're very excited to see them and excited to have a mini-vacay. 

One of those "anger release" exercises...

WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG POST!

Seriously, it's really long.

If you have to pee, pee now.

So... I had intended to do a different anger releasing writing project and instead I found myself "gifted" with a new starting point today. I ended up mixing some of my previous complaints with the newer ones. It might be a little confusing-somehow in my process I blended multiple members of  my family into one. No matter. The process is the important part. 


DISCLAIMER: I tried to embrace my anger. I tried to fan the flames. I tried to dig up compacted rage. As intentional as this is, I am still quite uncomfortable with expressing my anger. I don't know if such phrases are effective. I don't know if it's rational or justified or something I can stand by... I'm trying not to judge myself and I hope you can withhold judgment as well :o) I don't like saying mean things. I empathize and I see both sides so much that I struggle to even own thoughts like these let alone express them on paper, screen, or out loud!

DISCLAIMER PS: The hubby has encouraged me to embrace a "go fuck yourself" mentality. Instead of being hurt and trying to figure out what's wrong with me or how to be good enough, reject the hurtful opinion. Think or say "go fuck yourself" instead of throwing myself under the bus or putting myself at risk for relapse. I don't have to analyze every comment... I can let it go. Push it away. So, I tried to embrace that. In real life I don't really say, "go fuck yourself." Ever. Very weird feelings... Anywho. Just sayin.


Here we go. Somehow an offhand comment set my off...



Maybe you thought it was a compliment today when you said I should be on that show, "American Grit." The thing is, when the host describes the show as a place for people "all who either have lost their grit or never had it" I don't take that as a compliment. 



A) How the fuck can you think that I don't have grit? Do you have that little appreciation for what I've survived? 


It's puzzling to me that you have never seemed to grasp my mental health issues. It's been over 15 years since my symptoms surfaced and yet it seems like you still struggle to acknowledge my disease. I mention something relating to my mental health and I'm greeted with a "deer in the headlights" stare. My husband says that he has given up on trying to explain that this type of illness can't be "cured," that it's part of my body chemistry and brain structure. Do you really think I'm not trying hard enough to "fix it?" Do you think that I'm lazy?

Maybe you don't appreciate the years of my childhood and young adulthood spent in quiet desperation. The years of self-harming and isolation. You pegged me as "the Eeyore of the family." Why does my mental illness define my personality? 

Maybe you didn't notice my instability. You didn't notice my disease sending me into months of darkness or jerking me into weeks of elation. Years of feeling like I couldn't be trusted with my own life; whether that meant wanting to kill myself or being aware that I was too starry-eyed to make responsible decisions. I was impulsive and unstable and trying to figure out a solution all on my own... I suppose these deep-rooted feelings of rejection and abandonment have grown from multiple seeds, I'm sure this is one of them though. You didn't know what to do, I get it, maybe if it felt like you tried I wouldn't feel this angry. I wouldn't feel this heartbroken. You turned away from me and fed my self-disgust. 


And what of the last couple years? Do you appreciate the fact that I spent months barely able to care for myself or my infant son? What about the period of time that I couldn't be trusted alone with my son? Surely you remember the weeks in the hospital. I'm told you visited. I know that you helped drive me to ECT treatments. Do you know how many times the hubster drove me? or drove BB north to daycare then drove south to work then drove west to see me in the psych ward before rushing back to BB and caring for our son throughout the evening-multiple wakings in the night-before waking early to do it again all on his own? (Hubby comment: he only got one speeding ticket!)

Do you see the scars we carry? The scars that bind us? That time broke trust and built trust. I couldn't be trusted with my life or with my son's life. He saved us. Why does the hubby ask so openly and abruptly if I'm safe? if I'm suicidal? if I feel out of control? because dozens and dozens of times I've been in danger. He's been rescuing me. That was our norm and we've made it through. We've made it through and are making a new normal from scratch. Your jokes and teasing about his protectiveness and adherence to routine aren't just annoying, they're insulting.

How can you imply that I don't have grit? Over a year of life-threatening postpartum depression, over a dozen medications tried to stem the crisis, over three weeks in the hospital, over thirty ECT treatments... I'm still here. I laid on a bed and waited for my last breath to try and spare my husband and son a lifetime of trying to save a life I thought wasn't worth saving-mine. My husband ripped that plastic bag off my face and saved my life that afternoon and despite having close to no resolve left, somehow I kept fighting. For him. For my son. And a little for me.

How much more grit do I have to have before I can believe you think I'm enough?

I can't count on that anymore. I can't wait to sense some change in you. I can't play these pussy-footing games of allusion and corroding criticism. I may have started my life in this game with your dangerous rules. I won't finish my life at your game. You can call me sensitive, you can tease me and imply that I'm weak, you can make me feel like I'm flawed beyond salvaging-and then you can go fuck yourselves. Just because you don't seem to realize the damage you cause doesn't mean you are devoid of responsibility. 

I don't need your apologies. I don't need you. I don't need more grit.




B) Do you have that little appreciation for how much I do everyday to try and avert relapse and continue to survive? What kind of grit does that take?


You give the impression that the most important aspect of my exercise regimen in my weight loss and being fit. Maybe all your comments about me "being in the best shape of your life" or "a sliver of what you used to be" are intended to be compliments. In reality? It feels like weight added back onto my shoulders. I feel pressure to lose more weight. To lift heavier weight. To tone more parts of my body and fit in smaller clothes and eliminate rolls and embody some image that you, society, and the shadowed part of me have deemed worthy of pride. 

It's not healthy.

My mental state is more important than the state of my ass. I exercise every day to try and maintain my mood stability or actively battle back anxiety and depression. I go to the gym despite my social anxiety, despite feeling inept and insufficient, despite feeling like an outcast and poser. I go to the gym and try to push myself hard enough to be able to push back the disease I will live with for the rest of my life.

It doesn't really matter how much I can lift. The kind of strength I need most can't be provided by regular exercise.


You tease me for my "OCD" while loading the dishwasher or trying to keep the refrigerator organized. Okay, that's not how you do things. Fine. I do it different and for a damn good reason. 

I'm not OCD-which is a  clinical disorder and not something to be joked about-I am sick. I am sick in such a way that I have to avoid any extra stress whenever possible. I am sick in such a way that I have to be mindful throughout my day about big and little choices-from doing dishes or taking medication. 

I am sick in such a way that unloading the dishes and finding several of them dirty because the machine was overloaded or loaded ineffectively can be unduly upsetting. I'm sick in such a way that having sharp knives scattered throughout the other silverware instead of contained in their own section can increase my impulses to self-harm. 

As for a disorganized and sometimes unsanitary fridge or a cabinet stuffed with mismatched Tupperware? If I'm having a bad day, opening a door and being confronted by these things can send me into a panic or distress me in a way that contributes to a depressive episode. Not to mention feeling the criticism and rejection from you verbal teasing in each carelessly placed item. And seriously-why would you want to put your fruits right by (or on) your raw meat!? 


I have to live this way to live. It's working for me and that's what matters-at least to me, my husband, and our son. Don't think that I resent it-it is a lot of work and it's also the greatest sense of stability that I've ever had in my life. My mental state may fluctuate and get dangerous from time-to-time; dinner will always be at 6:00 PM. The silverware will always be sorted and easily accessible. The yoghurt will always be on the same shelf. Baby Bananaface will always have a set bedtime. That stability, having something I can count on, gives me comfort and confidence that I didn't have before. It helps me cope, it helps me thrive.

You want to live in a hurricane made by your own hand? Go ahead. You want to swallow your feelings and eat your loneliness? Go ahead. You want to bury yourself in cheap trinkets in lieu hearing "I love you?" Fine. I'm sick of trying to satiate the needs you don't claim responsibility for or even acknowledge. I'm not interested in maintaining this legacy of delusion and self-imposed suffering. I take this heritage and try to set it aside day-after-day for my own good and for my husband and for my son.

Y'all can sit in your burning building on your own. I'm leaving.




Whew. I tried NOT to edit much. I tried NOT to hold back or censor. I'm sure that this isn't everything though. I have a hard time handling anger. I think this was a step in the right direction though.

What does this mean for the real relationship with me family? I have no clue. I do think that I can't expect them to change or expend too much of my energy fighting to change things. I have to take care of myself in other ways first and that takes a lot of my time and energy. I think it's all right to simply accept things and accept that I don't have to fix it. I can move on and live the best life that I can without making everything neat and perfect.

CONGRATS if you read this entire post.

 You have eyes of steel ;o)

Challenge

I just wrote about the 51%-er mentality and wouldn't ya know it-it came up with force this weekend. Funny how a certain level of awareness and insight can mean baloney in the real world!



I went to my first Saturday CrossFit workout. They're different from the weekly classes because they allow anyone and everyone to attend instead of limiting the class size. It's busy and a bit confusing, at least for this newbie. The workout of the day was quite intimidating and considering how much the veterans were groaning made me feel like I had no chance at all. Not to mention the stress and anxiety of a new, challenging social environment.

I felt isolated. Alone. Delusional and highly doubtful that I had any chance of making a complete fool of myself. Before we even started talking about the workout I noticed my heart rate was heightening, my breathing shallow, my eyes tearing, and the familiar desperation of panic creeping toward my chest. I managed to pull it together-including the other opportunities during the workout when I was ready to breakdown.

Anyways.

The workout as prescribed involved such:
>1 mile run
>100 pull-ups
>200 push-ups
>300 squats
>1 mile run

I had to modify since I can't do pull-ups yet or very many full push-ups. I did jumping pull-ups and box push-ups. I also partnered up with someone so we could each do half the prescribed numbers. We did that for most of it except we got mixed up with the pull-ups and we each did 100 of those.

I did. I was slow. I was hurting. My last mile was in slow-mo and even though I was alone and trudging, I never stopped shuffling. I didn't stop and walk, I kept going. Reminded myself it was a competition. At the end my partner returned and cheered me on and encouraged me enough that I could whip up all my last energy to run faster to the end.



After it all, I was proud of myself. It hadn't been perfect. I still felt exiled from the "official CrossFit gang." Still, I tried to focus on the fact that it had been my 7th day at CrossFit and I hung in there during a notorious workout.

Getting home and sharing with my family was disappointing. They seemed dismissive and not interested in details. I felt like a failure again. I felt alone again. I showered and tried to be productive, I was just too spent from that morning's workout. Rested up a bit and then got back to chores and such.

Unfortunately, the fancy cake I was gonna try to make again blew up in my face. The fucked up sponge was enough to rankle me quite thoroughly. Then I ruined the first steps to my buttercream and gave up. I had been so agitated when I started baking. The hubs said I had said the f-word more in five minutes than I had in two weeks altogether. He was right!

My mind found every little thing to be mad at and whipped up a rage in me. That angry mixed with deep sadness left me in quite a state. After I officially bombed the cake and gave up, I took a sparkling water and wandered out to the side of the house to breath and try to let it go.


Really struggled today embracing that 51% mentality. I'm afraid of where this mood instability is going. Not convinced that I'm making any progress in trying to radically accept my family.

I think the growing pains with the CrossFit gym and navigating a new social arena (extra stress) on top of the ongoing stress of living with my family has destabilized me, I was hoping the new gym situation would help give me relief-and to a degree it does-there are also a lot of stressful facets to it.

Whew. Basically, I'm still learning. I'm still trying. Many moons ago when I started at the Y I was the nervous outsider without a clue and then I became a memorable face. I have a chance at doing the same there here, it's just gonna take some time.



Willingly took Ativan this morning. Usually its the hubster that suggests such a thing. This morning I was struggling and becoming highly agitated so quickly, I knew I couldn't manage without something drastic. On top of the Ativan I turned on Pandora on my phone and plugged my headphones in to drone out the noise around the house. It was all too much. A slammed cabinet or a dropped child's toy sent me into shakes and agitated breathing.

At one point after cutting into a bag for a baking project I got the urge to cut. Thought that just a little scratch on my wrist wouldn't be a big deal. Then I thought that any scratch was a big deal. I started shaking and closed my eyes against a flow of tears. I struggled to discard the scissors and ended up tossing them toward a counter and backing toward the freezer to put iced sponges on my face. My mom noticed and I told her to get rid of the scissors. After a few minutes I got back into my recipe and calmed down a bit. Still afraid of what could be coming if that urge was that strong.



One day at a time. One damned minute at a time.

A Good Weekend

It was a good weekend. Not because anything spectacular or amazing happened. It was a good weekend because the simple things happened.


For many months I've struggled to watch or enjoy any TV or movies. If it wasn't the material triggering me or being emotionally overwhelming, my anxiety made it impossible to sit through and focus on the show. There were even times when just sitting down for a movie gave my depressed mind an open playing field for my negative and even, at times, suicidal thoughts.

The hubbo and I hadn't been able to sit down and watch something together-and truly relax-for quite a while. Last week and this weekend we were finally able to again! It was a simple pleasure, but a great time and a huge sign of progress for me.

I have to stick mostly to romantic comedies, comedies, classics, or light action (too much drama or violence and I can get scary dreams or over-stressed) but we're able to chillax and enjoy a movie together again and I'm so glad.

The hubster works hard to provide for our family and take care of me and Baby Bananaface, so he really appreciates the down time. For many moons I wasn't able to relax enough or cope with the shows-we played board or card games to keep me distracted. It was sometimes tiring or just too much for the hubster after a long day of work, cooking, and childcare.

Anywho. I've been feeling really good about this and even a bit proud. I hope to keep building my resiliency and watching more flicks that I know I enjoyed at one point in my life. Maybe I'll even test the waters with some new ones... any suggestions are much appreciated!


In other news, I wore some of the new clothes I acquired last month. A shirt my sister found for me while we were shopping and a skirt that my mom gave me for Christmas. It feels good to put an outfit together and actually put forth some effort getting dressed to go out. For so long I've just been throwing on the layers and baggy clothes, hiding in the folds and skulking about-but things are changing. Hell, I even blew dry my hair today!

Here's a pic from this weekend:

Yes, I'm rocking the sippy cup and snack bowl from BB's afternoon snack ;o)

I'm still experiencing anxiety and pretty often feel myself on the precipice of panic attacks, but more and more I'm riding the waves and utilizing those coping skills. I may not ever be symptom-free, but I'm certainly feeling more confidence about being able to cope and survive.

Happy Monday everyone, I hope y'all had good weekends too!

November is Here

November is here and I'm adjusting to life without multiple TMS treatments down in Seattle each week. I've had my regular gym classes, which are good and I enjoy, but filling my afternoons is still a standing challenge. I've been able to cope relatively well but I think I appreciate a little more now how important it is for me to stay busy!

Speaking of staying occupied, I hope to be taking an online course or two through my local community college this winter quarter and, an important step on that path, I received my student ID number this week! Woo!

I am getting geared up for registration although I'm a little frustrated that class doesn't begin until January. I think I will have decent hours doing ornaments this month and partway through December but I am worried about staying busy... the empty time can be dangerous for me but I am working on my bad mental habits and I know that I will continue to improve as long as I keep trying.

Sheesh, if worrying were more enjoyable I could easily stay busy doing that! *pfft* *grumble* *wince*

In other news, I've been trying to participate in cooking meals more as well as help with Baby Bananaface more. The cooking can be frustrating because my memory is still rebounding from the ECT and sometimes I know that I've cooked a recipe a zillion times but I just can't remember quite how things go. Guess there's something to be said for experiencing something like new again, eh?

As for helping with BB, it's stressful but I've been pretty good about acknowledging and coping with the anxiety it brings up which helps calm me down so I can stick to the present moment and just do my best. There has been so much time when I've felt completely incapable of any parenting and been easily triggered by the stress of a small child that my anxiety can be far worse than the actual tasks at hand. Baby steps. I was able to go out and about with BB solo and give him a bath solo within the past week-big accomplishments!

This morning I hit the treadmill and did a cycle class and this afternoon I'm volunteering at the blood bank. There have been blue skies and sunshine and I am very much enjoying it. The grey was definitely start to get to me!

Anyways. That's some of what's up. I hope y'all are finishing out the week strong and that sunshine finds you too <3

Words for Wednesday

It's "Words for Wednesday" and I'm going to give another go :o) 

I got the prompts from Elephant's Child due to unfortunate circumstances as another blogger that was going to provide prompts had a stroke and can't participate. Please send healing thoughts to Jacqueline AKA The Cranky. Hopefully she will return some day.

I was able to use all but one of the prompt words in my writing this week. It's a personal, non-fiction blurb. I suppose a "musing" is a good way to put it? Not sure what to call it, but I wrote something and that's all that matters!

This week's prompts are:

noble
shine
expressive
charm
odd
biggest

And/or

passion
actuality
top
jar
elevator
angel

---

I ended up with a BA in English Literature after embracing the concept of living a life of passion. I was in college, working part-time at a bank, doing a lot of yoga, and my biggest problem was a sideways romance. With the help of armloads of self-help books and an overly optimistic therapist I found myself enveloped by a sense of faith in the world that may have been a little less than functional. 

In actuality, I wouldn't be a top-selling author by the time I was 25 and my life would include a helluva lot of stairs as opposed to a smooth elevator ride to health and happiness. I hope in time that distance will bring a charming perspective to these challenging times and I can look back at my life like a noble Johnny Cash classic instead of CNN coverage of a humanitarian disaster.

It's a bit odd being on the edge of in the thick of it. No longer a crisis but definitely not recovered. There are days when just making it through takes everything in me and then there are days when I feel my shine returning. Those days I can sense the hope and faith that used to carry me through my days before it was nearly battered to extinction by this postpartum depression.

I've been working at getting better for over a year. Like putting pennies in a jar, my baby steps seem to be adding up to something. People that haven't seen me for a while remark at how good I'm looking and I'm thinking ahead and making plans instead of barely being able to make it through each minute. The progress has been slow and hard to notice, like watching grass grow, yet I'm at a point now where I've clearly made some positive change.  

I've made positive change. It's a fact yet I struggle to believe this, embrace it, and lean on it. After so long going from one crisis to another I've arrived at a place where I can't trust the peace. It's no longer simply peace, it's the calm before a storm and I find myself paralyzed with the fear of my own mind. 

As demoralizing as this is, there is a small part of me that recognizes this as a trace of trauma, a temporary state of mind that I can overcome with more baby steps. When I can stay on top of the fear that perspective helps, when I can't I find myself floundering in that terrifying familiar darkness that has dominated so much of my past year.

While I'm still the creative, expressive wannabe-writer that I was years ago, I am more skeptical and less self-assured. Maybe that will change with time again as it has so far? Right now, instead of dreaming about book tours I dream of days where I feel at ease and am able to relax and enjoy my family. I dream of days where I can make it through without a panic attack or anxiety making me sick to my stomach. I dream of nights where I can cuddle with my husband without anxious thoughts hijacking my brain. 

It doesn't seem like much to ask for but at the same time seems like a lofty, magnificent goal. I know it's the negative, dysfunctional part of my brain when I wish for health and have visions of Indiana Jones snatching the golden idol and being chased by giant boulders enter my mind. My shaken confidence makes it seem that even when I think I'm home free I will be attacked somehow.  

But that is temporary. Like so many other awful symptoms that I've dealt with. I might not have the faith I did when I was younger, but I have enough to hold tight to my belief in baby steps!

---

As for a personal update, my Monday was pretty damn rough. The dark, suicidal thoughts were really sticky and things got pretty distressful rather quickly. Tuesday went a lot better for me although I felt some wobble and fears related to the day before that definitely raised my stress level. 

It's so disorienting having my life shift so abruptly and then feeling somewhat stable so soon afterward-I'm never quite sure how to relax and trust my mood because it's so unstable lately. Hopefully that changes and I get a more calm, stable status quo that I can trust. Baby steps.

Happy Wednesday to all, hope you are well :o)

An Update Before Bed...

It's late and I can't write out much but I wanted to do a little update before bed anyways :o)

The weekend went pretty well. Definitely felt the stress and definitely had to use more skills and more medication to ride the waves of my mood but I really enjoyed seeing my MIL. I was even pleasantly surprised by the interactions with the hubby's siblings and having "adult" time-I did fine!

The weekend involved some scheduled outings and time hanging out at my in-law's, even an evening out at a local bar with the hubby's sibs/in-laws.

I really enjoyed the carousel, even played with Baby Bananaface on the playground nearby for a good bit of time. Fun fact: that was the hubbo's first time on a carousel that he's aware of! Woo woo! The boat ride was fun and a nice break from routine where I acknowledged that I was feeling relaxed and enjoying myself-a rarity lately! I even got in some cuddles with BB <3

Overall, I feel like it was tough but not rough and a victory in my mind, which feels good :o)



On a more recent note, I had a busy day today with three appointments including one with my therapist and even though I waited until the last ten minutes I did indeed bring up my concerns! It was a big leap for me and there were some tears involved but I made my feelings known and I feel proud of myself.

Not sure how things will work out in the long run but we've made a commitment to working on things and we'll just take it from there. She actually mentioned that she had felt something was off but couldn't tell what it was and let me know that she was very glad that I said something, which felt good to hear.

I got so much encouragement from so many places (friends online, friends IRL, psychiatrist, another therapist, hubby, maybe even more) and I'm so glad that I finally brought this up! Thank you for the encouragement and support everybody :o) We'll see where things go from here, but for now-GO ME!!!


Another GO ME!!! moment involves coping with a big ole panic attack during the car ride home this afternoon. Thankfully it happened while I was stopped at a light but it was quite sudden and very intense. Despite the tingles and blurry vision and heat wave I was able to calm myself down rather quickly and coped pretty well. I think I'm making some progress with the panic but definitely a work in progress. That said-GO ME!!!


So there we are, my "short" update. HA! Good night and best wishes :o)

Travel Time

Baby Bananaface is carefully scooping the cereal-flavored milk from his tiny toddler bowl, the hubs is frantically showering before I take off for my early gym class, and we're all on a slightly altered schedule as the day proceeds into a departure...

Not sure if I'll be able to type much as the weekend goes by but I'm going to try and do some mobile updates as I go. We're going to visit my in-laws on the other side of the state and it's been quite a while. To top things off the hubster's siblings (all of them) and their families are coming too (as far as we know) to celebrate Dad's 75th birthday.

I'm nervous. I'm excited. I feel homesick in a way. That's the kind of mother-in-law I have, you feel homesick when you don't get to see her in a while! His siblings are nearly strangers to me and I'm not sure if they're aware of the ECT and memory issues and the postpartum jazz... One sister I can talk with and feel like I know but even that is a minimal relationship. *sigh* I can only be me.

As for mood update... I've been doing pretty well. Panic attacks in the early AM but coping well and getting back to sleep afterward. Still get increased anxiety in the evening as I anticipate the sleeping challenges but I'm working on working through that. We shall see.

For now, just keeping as even a keel as I can and getting through a different sort of weekend this weekend!

Happy Friday-eve and early Happy Weekend to all! 

Keepin' On

This week so far seems to be going well enough-although being "all right" feels strange to me!

I'm not in crisis and I'm not quite good. Though I definitely experience a lot of discomfort throughout my days it's not quite as much as it was and I even have noticeable moments of feeling "Hey, this is pretty good!" One example was just this morning when I was enjoying the brisk but sunny start to the day and admiring the clouds, blue sky, and this spider crafting their web:

I could've stayed and watched him/her at work for hours---oh! throw in some coffee and I would've been over the moon! but I had a schedule to keep and I went to the gym and threw myself into my workout there and enjoyed chatting with some of the ladies that happen to frequent quite a few of the classes I regularly attend.


Therapy this week went all right. I'm still feeling ill at ease and dissatisfied but I have not been able to work up to collecting my thoughts and feelings to bring it up with my therapist. I've been dealing with feeling pressured to achieve wellness and appear better and sometimes feel like I'm spending my time listening to her personal stories rather than utilizing time for my own therapy and she's made a few comments that make me feel she is anti-medication which is part of my recovery* and having her come across that way is giving me bad feelings. It's all grown into a sort of mental block against this therapist and I find myself feeling grouchy and resistant when it comes time for my weekly appointments! Not good...

Besides that whole gnarled mess there was an interesting coincidence this week in session when she brought up the fact that I might have PTSD. I had listened to a story on "The Moth" just a couple days before and been moved to tears as I truly related to this man's tale of PTSD and wondered to myself, "maybe I have some of that going on too?"   (Note: the hubster thinks it's just Generalized Anxiety Disorder and that's it, for the record)

The man was a combat veteran with 3 tours to the Middle East and when he spoke about the moment he realized that checking people for weapons and anticipating attacks around even corner wasn't normal I thought about my own fearful moments opening the door to my home and thinking that there might be someone inside waiting to attack me, or standing in front of my front door and fretting that bullets might shoot through it at any moment, or feeling vulnerable and scared in public, outside my condo, and even inside my own home... but relating so much to his examples and hearing him say that he made it to a place where he could recognize that being so afraid wasn't normal and he could relax with his wife and sip coffee in bed and just be-that gave me hope. That made me feel like I could get there too someday and I was so grateful for that.

That said, it sure sucks to be me right now in the midst of our family evening routines trying to surf my fear and anxiety and discomfort without getting too wound up or thinking about the future. I'm trying to stay in the now, trying to use my skills, trying to soothe and calm myself.

While I think many of my skills are helping, I also feel a heavy sadness to be dealing with these issues yet again. I feel a sadness for myself and the weight I carry. I feel a sadness as I yearn for a more comfortable and enjoyable "normal," but I'm just not there yet. Things are getting better though.

Things are getting better though.

Tomorrow is DBT class night which usually helps lifts my spirits. Thursday I have my regular TMS treatment and an office visit (check in with a doctor about every 2 weeks to make adjustments and check-in). That night we pack up and head east to see the hubby's family and celebrate his father's 75th birthday.

I'm excited to see my in-laws, especially my loving mother-in-law, but I'm nervous to see his siblings and be out of my routine and comfort (or semi-comfortable) zone of familiar gym classes and surroundings... I think I will manage, I think I'll do fine, and I'm planning on going for jogs and walks to keep myself energized-I'm just scared.

Oh the fear, so much fear.

Things are getting better though.

I will keep on keepin' on and keep y'all posted as much as I can  :o)



*Speaking of meds, I've been on Saphris for a week now and while I had some severe fears and anxiety the first few days I'm having a much easier time taking my med at night and I think it might be helping my sleep a bit. I'm still having wakings and panic attacks in the middle of the night-some that are quite difficult to get back to sleep after-but I think it happens less and I sleep deeper and without as many dreams/nightmares which I appreciate. It's a "wait and see" type of thing, so we'll see how things go!

Sunday's Hike and Kickin' Off the Week

Boy howdy, it was a long, exhausting day Sunday but we had a good time and made it through in decent form.

The drive from the main road to the trailhead was quite... rugged, but the hubster did a good job getting us there despite the many potholes and loose rocks. It was a short(ish) hike but there was definitely uphill grade for most of it! The view was worth it though:

We got to take a little break, snack, hydrate, and throw rocks in the lake before the actual scattering of the ashes. Even Baby Bananaface was throwing pebbles and rocks into the lake! We took a family selfie too:

It was fun chatting on the trail, especially catching up with my cousin that I hadn't seen in I don't know how long. I"m not very religious but in a weird way it felt like my aunt was there too when we came across a little black Pomeranian named Midnight (she had a giant chow named Midnight) and that was a funny, special moment I remember.

I also remember not seeing a single slug or snail! ARGH! I love watching for slugs as I hike and I thought for-sure I'd see some big ole slugs on this hike, but not a one. Thankfully I'd seen some teeny baby slugs that morning walking Fio ;o)


As for kickin' off the week, I didn't get to sleep very well last night at all. Lots of anxiety and despite taking a Lunesta I wasn't able to sleep more than 3 hours at a stretch and had a panic attack or two. Very frustrating but even more frustrating were the discouraging and depressive thoughts creeping into my head as I laid awake. I did a little crying this morning out of fear and sadness regarding those dark thoughts. I just don't want to go through that again, at least not so soon!

Urgh. But I'm getting going to gym class and going to try and charge on.

One little bit at a time.

Update/Words for Wednesday

This week I'm going to blend "Words for Wednesday" with a plain ole update. Never done this before, so we'll see how it goes!


This week the prompts were provided by Margaret Adamson and Sue Fulcher via Elephant's Child blog.

This week's prompts are:

Frantic
Lemon
Parasite
Spine
Pummel
Early

AND/OR

Staggering
Lies
Art
Naked
Preposterous
Windmill

I have been staggering a little of late. The past couple days have found me battling more sadness, tears, and fears than usual as hurtful thoughts and scary suicidal ideation plagues my mind. 

I am doing my best utilizing the skills from therapy and it helps a lot to simply label the hurtful lies as thoughts and dismissing them. Sometimes I use a visualization of a pleasant stream and casting my thoughts in the form of pretty white and pink blossoms to float away on the burbling flow of water.

We are still waiting for insurance paperwork to go through so I haven't started the new medication. There was a false alarm where I got texted that my prescription was ready and I assumed it was the Saphris but it turned out to be my thyroid. Well in the time it took me to get to the pharmacy I had worked myself up into a neat little anxiety fit. I wasn't able to use my skills and my fear of another bout of akathisia got the better of me. There is a chance of experiencing that side effect again but there is also a chance that this medication could work wonders for me (it seems that people love it or hate it) so I'm going to try it and hope for the best.

In other news, we visited my parents this Labor Day weekend and enjoyed playing games and getting a little break from childcare. I was, once again, more upfront about my mental state and it felt good to be honest and even better to get supportive responses from my family. On the downside, I barely slept the night that we stayed there and it was a little frightening having the hubster open the bedroom door on me when I was stark naked! In your home, it's one thing, but while a guest in someone else's home getting caught in the nude is much more troubling-at least to me!

*sigh* As I said, I've been having some challenging, dark thoughts. Unfortunately it seems to have infiltrated my dreams and I had some distressing, nearly-nightmarish dreams last night that upset my rest and spiked my anxiety this morning. It was not pleasant starting my day with such a dark outlook... there is such a strong belief in part of me that I just can't make it work, that I just can't survive. Evidence would suggest otherwise but it is still far too easy for me to believe those dark, preposterous thoughts. Old habits die hard and these bad thought patterns have been with me for a very long time.

That said, I am still fighting the good fight. It might feel like I'm tilting at windmills, but I'm trying to remind myself that I'm worth keeping around and that my pain is temporary and especially trying to focus on the positives instead of letting my mind get stuck on repeat, droning on and on with misery and hopelessness.

I hate to end on a darker note, so I will mention a silly little story from my morning today: I was walking back to the condo after giving Fio his morning break and I noticed a lot of raindrops falling from the maple out front and the leaves shaking-it was quite annoying, like the tree was specifically shaking it's rain off onto me as I passed! I looked up and saw a frantic squirrel racing along the upper branches with some bit of food in its mouth. I was still wet, but seeing the cute squirrel certainly gave the experience a more positive twist :o)

I'm sending out hope, love, and strength to all. My thoughts are with you even if I don't comment or keep up on my reading as I battle through this tough spot. Best of luck, be well <3

A Busy Day

Today I had appointments for TMS and meeting with my psychiatrist, the first of which was at 8:00 AM! Lemme tell you, driving into Seattle for an 8:00 AM appointment is something special, but I made it right on time and had a good treatment session.

I had some time to kill between appointments and enjoyed myself at a local mall even though I accidentally consumed a caffeinated coffee beverage (sometimes I just forget to mention the decaf part when I order!) and set myself up for some exaggerated anxiety in the afternoon. I was a little late to my psychiatrist appointment because I didn't leave soon enough to compensate for traffic but overall the appointment went well and I enjoyed seeing my doctor.

We've decided to give another new mood stabilizer a try although it all depends on my insurance giving approval. I'm a little nervous and afraid of experiencing the jittery symptoms again since this is another atypical and I've tended to have that reaction in the past but I'm willing to try and see and hope for the best.

I've been having challenging days but not terrible days and I'm grateful for the little perks and positive moments throughout. The anxiety has definitely been plaguing me but the DBT skills certainly help and I've been trying to keep busy and keep fighting back.

*sigh*

Feeling fearful anticipating the new medication and potential reactions and considering how I haven't been feeling super great and already wore down by anxiety but I'm also aware that I've been feeling a bit better and am holding on to at least a little bit of hope that I'll find a medication that helps me in some way... all I can do is keep slugging along taking things one day at a time! So many people tell me things will get better and I have a hard time believing it but I believe it enough to keep juggling all these treatments and therapies and coping skills and yadda yadda yadda! Ugh! I want to be confident in my wellbeing!



Also, I heard that Gene Wilder passed. I was sad to hear this but hope he's at peace. The remembrances on the radio have brought bittersweet tears to my eyes multiple times. He was a good soul in my book.

Diving In

My first TMS session went well and I felt a little boost afterward that was much appreciated! Unfortunately it wore off and I had some anxiety to cope with this afternoon but my visit with my friend went well and I had a good time.

I'm weary and want to feel better NOW but I feel some hope for the future and that feels pretty good in between the awful anxiety spells and attacks. I might still be working through some challenges with my mood but the important thing is that I'm still trying and at least part of me still believes that this is temporary and I'm going to make it back to a happier, healthier state. Just keep swimming ;o)

Sorry if I haven't been commenting around a lot lately, I'm trying to do a bit more and have been having a hard time keeping up with my blogging at the same time but I am still following and trying to keep up!

Vacay Mega Post!!!

For our vacation we went up north to a little town called Birch Bay and stayed with my parents at a condo. We played a lot of card/dice/word games and also saw some of my relatives (my two remaining aunts from my dad's side and even a cousin of mine and my sister for a little bit the first day) as well as participating in a variety of day trips and other fun.

It was a good trip even though I battled through some anxiety at times. Some of the highlights included working out at the gym watching "I Love Lucy" and "The Golden Girls" from the treadmill, communicating with my mom about my anxiety and getting support from her, going to Canada and golfing as well as getting Baby Bananaface his first haircut, and playing in the pool with my family.

Here are some pics captured by my mom throughout the trip, there are a few repetitive ones and quite a variety but I felt like some were too good not to share!

All of us at my alma mater, Western Washington Uni.
I got a new sweatshirt that I've been wanting for months-
yay!

The hubs and BB enjoying the pool

Apparently Mom took a shot of me in the pool-
I look so happy I'm even comfy sharing
the pic even with me in a bathing suit!

The hubster had some very angry energy
with his very aggressive swings...
I happened to find him a perfect keepsake
afterward-an angry golfing Donald Duck ornament!

Can't golf without a binkie!

Action shot. He held onto that golf ball
nearly the entire time!

This reminds me of Godzilla for some reason :o)

Baby Bananaface preparing for takeoff
at his first haircut-he really enjoyed the
"Dora the Explorer" on the TV!

Me and my parents happily observing

Not phased at all-totally chill the entire time!

The "after" picture :o)

The hubs and I playing around
with Mom's "Snapchat" app thingy face-swap!

I used a lot of my DBT skills throughout the vacation and I think it contributed to me enjoying the trip more. I also really appreciated being able to use the skills to reach out to my husband and my family for support as I struggled with some anxiety instead of keeping quiet and trying to hide my truth.


Speaking of DBT, I had class tonight that was the end of a module and involved the graduation of 3 ladies that I really appreciate having in class and am going to miss quite a bit... I decided to be brave and wrote them each a little note with my contact information so maybe I'll hear from them and we'll stay in touch. We shall see! I think this is an example of one of the ways DBT is helping me and I'm growing as a person and I'm really grateful for that :o)

In other news, I start TMS tomorrow and see one of my friends from college/childhood so gonna be a busy day! I'm scared but trying to believe in myself and stay calm and focused and just do my best.


Mega post out!