Oh The Raging Flow...

OF EMOTIONS!

Since I've had my IUD my period has gently tapered to next to nothing and comes infrequently whenever it pleases. As such, it's hard to tell when my hormonal fluctuations are getting the best of me-which is only complicated by the fact that therapy and peeling back layers of mental dams flushes my systems with emotions.

The last week has been a white water week of emotions.

This past weekend (Memorial Day weekend) the fiance and I trekked up to NCNP for our first camping trip of the summer at Colonial Creek campground.

Even though I had told myself to forget about "the dog thing," before leaving that Friday I had found a dog online that I was smitten with and emailed to the fiance. Throughout the camping trip I was musing dogs.

The reaction in me was so strong as I wobbled between rational and emotional reasons I felt like a madwoman. I had already dismissed the idea, given up-reneged a couple applications from private rescues and washed my hands of the dog search and yet here I was again!

My body, mind, and soul wouldn't let this dog thing lie.

Once home I was moody and sad, sleepless and disinterested in just about everything. Monday was therapy and we talked about the big emotions coming out around this dog issue. It was confusing. I basically came away with a sense that it was okay to have these emotions even when it seems completely ass-backwards and silly.

It's okay to be sensitive and vulnerable even the issue seems stupid! I let my fiance know that I'd be emotional, and I didn't want to guilt him into anything and I would be okay, I just needed time.

Next thing ya know we're driving down the corridor to Seattle Humane Society to check out pups. The dog I had been attracted to had been and foster and had been adopted. The subsequent dogs I found interesting online weren't to be found at the shelter either.

We headed towards PAWS but they were closed. We found some cute pups online later in the week and were back at PAWS during lunch break on Wednesday...

The dogs were gone. I began thinking it was a sign.

Turns out they were in clinic getting fixed, but my soul was a bit crushed. Every time I thought I'd found a companion they were whisked away by some mystical force (the mind is a crazy thing).

I was ready to give up. I said "I give up." Then the fiance sends me a pic of another potential dog he found online. &%^$! I end up smoking on the balcony and slumping my way through Wednesday afternoon until he gets home and I tell him how frustrated I was at seeing that picture.

It was an adorable dog, it was a perfect dog, and it was an unobtainable dog. The cosmos had rejected my desire, I needed to give this up and he brought it right back up!

The next day before my volunteer shift I went to PAWS early (they had said that the dogs we missed on Wednesday would be there to see on Thursday). I felt stupid and weak-minded, but had fun visiting with the puppies.

Oddly enough, those dogs were there but they didn't catch my eye. Another dog did-a black poodle called George. He was reserved and didn't come to the front of his kennel until I squatted down and beckoned-then he was all wiggly tail-wagging and kisses.

I was intrigued. I called my mother for guidance and she played to my doubts about finances and doing the logical thing. Even then my heart still had a glimmer of yearning. I phoned the fiance and asked him to come check out the dogs, and even if nothing came of it to come bring me a big hug.

He shows up and the poodle is gone.  @!&#^#$%&!!!!

I give up yet again and stalk out of the kennels and we have a chat in the parking lot. He tries to convince me that it's all right and not necessarily a sign and that we can do this and I reject all that I can.

Then a lady appears. Also wearing a green volunteer shirt she approaches the car next to us (he's standing in the space between our cars and we're chatting with my door open). "Were you looking for a dog you couldn't find?" BOOM.

My eyes are glistening with tears and we explain the situation, I even explain how every dog I seem to like disappears and she tells us that we should just ask. "Just ask. Sometimes you have to go a little outside your comfort zone, but if you get snubbed-oh well, you just have to ask."

Well, we had to go back in after that.

The dog was still missing. No one knew where he went. It took twenty minutes to find this dog-he had been secreted away for a special purpose (top-secret shelter kind of stuff) and just because I was a volunteer and had found out about this special stash we got to sneak back and meet him.

I was melting, of course, and apparently the fiance did too. When we got back to the lobby he pressed for information on how to further the adoption process even as I was wide-eyed and scared and shocked about the whole thing. They sounded pretty reluctant to let this dog go and a little miffed that I had found him and gone through all this trouble to get my fiance to meet him.

"Come back tomorrow at noon."

Holy cow.

I was in a daze all the way home-the fiance practically had to push me to my car and tell me to drive home or I would've stood there in the parking lot for half an hour staring into oblivion.

Is this really happening? Will he be there when I go back today at noon? Am I getting a dog?

To be continued....

Blood Work

Last week the fiance and I cruised down to Seattle for my check-up at Qliance with my delightful ARNP. In addition to a tetanus shot they took blood to be sent off for a cholesterol, blood sugar, organ function, and thyroid test.

Yesterday she called with my results and gave me the "I've got good news and bad news" intro. Turned out my cholesterol and blood sugar and organ functions were great. I was concerned about the blood sugar thing considering a high school friend of mine developed diabetes the year after we graduated and I just found out this past weekend-quite a shocker.

Anyways, the "bad" news was that my thyroid isn't functioning properly. Why is bad in quotations you wonder? Because hypothyroidism could explain a lot of symptoms that I've either linked to depression or my personality or simply the genetic lottery. It isn't really bad news to find out the thing ain't workin' right since it might mean solutions to some of my problems.

Hypothyroidism is linked to lots of symptoms which may or may not be directly linked to a dysfunctional thyroid: fatigue, weakness, weight gain, trouble losing weight, dry/brittle hair, dry/pale skin, hair loss, cold intolerance, muscle cramps/aches, constipation, depression, irritability, memory loss, decreased libido, and heavy menstrual periods.

Let's see, I'd say at least ten out of those fifteen symptoms apply to me and have applied to me for years.

The elephant in the room is, is the hypothyroidism the cause of my depression?

Personally, I'm not convinced medication for the thyroid could vanquish my depression problems since it runs in my family and I've responded to treatment before and it just seems plain too much to hope for.

But get this-I called my parents to tell them about the thyroid thing and they both said that their mother's took thyroid meds EVERYDAY. Wow, that would've been nice to know eight years ago! Even with this juicy tidbit of family history, I'm not convinced my new daily pill levothyroxine will alleviate all my symptoms, but it would sure be nice if it helped out a little :o)

In other news the fiance and I had a great camping trip with my folks this weekend and enjoyed Leavenworth and some summery weather on the first day of fall!

While Dad fly-fished, Mom, the fiance, and I hiked up a hill and some. It was a really cool trail not only for the views and environment, but the washed out creek we had to navigate through! It reminded us of Mt. St. Helen's aftermath. We didn't reach the top, but we saw a lizard and chipmunks and robins and had a good time.

One night I had a eerily emotional dream about the fiance and I having a baby. For some reason I recall having family nearby, like a party/get together and I was laboring. Then I was face-to-face with my baby. It wasn't a realistic fresh from the womb face-to-face, but it felt like it should be that first moment. It was a girl, with huge blue/green eyes and little tufts of blonde hair and she was so giddy and I was euphoric. She knew that I was mommy and I knew that she knew and was happy about it and we were both just blitzed out of our skulls.

I told Mom about the next day and she said, "Well your first better be a girl. I'm cross stitching a stocking with kittens on it!" Ha! I had no idea that my mom was gearing up for grandmotherhood, but I guess she would be, wouldn't she? I wonder how Dad feels about his little girl having a little girl, I'm not sure he's ready to be "stitching" anything just yet!

Between blood work, babies, camping, hiking, and family time I've had a good few days. And this weekend we're going to visit his folks, so more good times ahead! The cats were happy to have us home, we'll see how they cope with the second weekend alone in a row. They may break open the refrigerator...

North Cascades Camping

This past weekend, the fiance and I camped in the North Cascades National Park. While we had been in the park before, we had never ventured further up HWY 20 than the Goodell Creek campground. This weekend we drove through the mountains all the way to Twisp on HWY 20 and scoped out the sights-namely, the three dams on the skagit, the most rugged mountains we've ever seen, jaw-droppingly cold and gorgeous glacier run off, and some local wildlife.

Even though I grew up a couple of hours from the park, I wasn't aware of the dams, wildlife, or awesomely gargantuan mountains in the northwest corner of our state. Driving east on I-90 does not give you the same sights as HWY 20, and not all of the "Cascades" are created equal!

The Pickett Range

People were climbing Mt. Everest before they had

traversed the Picketts-how's that for rugged?

While we only saw deer, chipmunks, and birds on our visit the North Cascades are obviously an idyllic refuge for many other animals. While on a hike, the fiance and I spotted some bear scat (very large, intimidating bear scat at that) and we saw signs suggesting we keep an eye out for pika and elk.

Pika

I also recognized (for the first time) that mountain goats are endemic to our state. I know, a slight "durrr" moment on the Hannah front, but for every time I see them at zoos, I never realize they are roaming around a few hours away! Driving through the North Cascades, I finally put two-and-two together. You can't drive by the massive, rugged mountains along HWY 20 and not imagine mountain goats roaming around the jagged peaks.

Washingtonian mountain goats

While I am endlessly fascinated by wildlife, a lot of sight seeing involved the man made dams along the Skagit river. The three dams are called Gorge Dam, Diablo Dam, and Ross Dam. Together they provide 20% of Seattle's electricity. What the fiance and I found most impressive was that the dams were constructed as early as the 1920s. Considering the mountains and limited access around the dams-it was quite a feat!

Ross Dam

Newhalem has a visitor center with history on the dam projects and it was quite an eye-opener. Not only did I have NO CLUE there were dams on the Skagit, I had no clue what a big project the Skagit River Hydroelectric Project had been and is today. 

As for our camping portion of the trip, the fiance and I spent a night at the Goodell Creek campground but relocated to the Colonial Creek campground for our last two nights. Both are nice grounds but we especially enjoyed Colonial Creek and the programs hosted at the grounds by the rangers-who wouldn't like Sasquatch and glacier talks?!

While we embarked on a hike Sunday, we did not complete the trek (it was a bit out of my league) but we certainly shared a growth opportunity as a couple-let's just say it was a rough morning for the two of us. All in all, by the end of the weekend we could say that we had a good time and it was well worth the trip. 

In other news: The fiance and I visited the Tulalip Casino last week to redeem a few free coupon offers from the Aquasox game and had ourselves a fun little casino experience-buffet dinner and some wins at the slots! We then proceeded to spend our winnings at the outlets buying some clearance shirts :o) They sure got things figured out up there!

The cats were happy to have us home and even happier to get some kibble and tuna from Pops. 

I am still stripping ye olde sewing cabinet. Joy! I just keep telling myself that it will be worth it in the end!

Last Day of June

Yes-I did have to check my calendar to make sure that June does indeed only have 30 days (I ain't so hip with the days of the months and who gets what).

Anywho. End of the month makes me look back on what has happened this June, and it's been a busy/crazy month. Mostly crazy. I thought I'd blog this day with a list of thirty thoughts and happenings from June. So here goes...

1) The tree out front has sprouted a new, bright green pine cone. I am enthralled. This tree ain't pine cone-heavy, so this is big news!

2) I've weaned myself off of my expensive non-generic antidepressants. One source of financial anxiety eliminated-a bevy of emotional issues unleashed. Genius.

3) I've had multiple anxiety attacks this month.

4) I've had multiple depressive episodes this month and don't think I've ever been so depressed during JUNE-it's supposed to be fun summer fun!

4.5) Realizing more and more how lucky I am and how wonderful my fiance is-he's freakin' amazing. Like better than Captain Amazing by 100 million-bazillion.

5) I'm still sore from my most recent episode. (Seriously in pain-which to me shows just how serious a disease depression can be. I am in physical pain because of my brain not workin' right. Yikes!)

6) I'm seeking counselling and a psychiatric evaluation and becoming more and more familiar with the feeling of rejection due to A) Lack of insurance B) Having clinical depression that may require medication (Seems like folks are annoyed that I need help and they completely disregard the fact that I just told them I'm suicidal when they dismiss my inquiries for help in a way that makes me MORE DEPRESSIVE)

7) Camping was awesome and Mt. Rainier was gorgeous.

8) The fiance and I have found our wedding venue and LOVE it.

9) I have found multiple blogs from fellow depression battlers to read and am trying to build a sense of community and understanding around myself to prevent debilitating feelings of isolation and rejection.

10) I have realized that I have gained at least twenty pounds since last summer.

11) *Trying not to think of myself as a ghastly whale of a gal*

12) Actually spoke my mind after my sister started playing the blame game with me-big news for Hannah!

13) My brother found out he was accepted to a college in PA and will be moving this August.

14) My dad won gold in men's singles tennis at a national tournament in Houston and silver for doubles.

15) I've decided to drastically reduce the amount of alcohol I consume to avoid depressive dips.

16) I've decided to actively avoid violent/suicidal/depressive films and TV shows to avoid depressive dips.

17) I made progress on our wedding invitation designs.

18) We reduced our guest list and our guest list stress by A LOT.

19) I've decided to find an independent book binder to buy our wedding guest book and design and create the innards myself. Found this style on Transient Books' Etsy shop site> http://www.etsy.com/listing/69193678/personalized-handbound-wedding-guest?ref=v1_other_2

*I'm really excited about this project-we're going to have puzzles and pictures and art and poems and prompts and places to sign in our guest book. No more empty pages, we're making something pre-packed with awesomeness

20) I've missed Iceland and really wanted some of that awesome hot cocoa from the shop across from the Odinsve.

21)I've seen some gorgeous birds.

22) The fiance and I have been on some rather lengthy impromptu drives to battle cabin fever and general angst. Had some good talks and learned a lot about dealing with each other during times of crankiness.

23) I have started to manage my anxiety over finances better (still a LONG way to go)

24) The fiance and I are discussing the reality of not wasting money on rent and possible putting money into ownership.

25) I took a yoga class at the Women's Wellness Center in downtown Everett and really enjoyed it. Think this might become a regular haunt for me.

26) Added some flare to the blog.

27) Took some awesome pictures of the kittehs.

28) Worked on a wedsite with the fiance.

29) Weakly contemplated the prospect of inpatient treatment for my depression and have reserved that option for a darker day that may or may not be in my future. While I try to battle the stigma affiliated with my depression, even I am deeply ingrained with a level of disgust. The idea of inpatient treatment makes me feel like a loon or a psycho, not to mention my anxieties over the cost of treatment. I'm even scared of what the other patients would be like, as if they'd all be dangerous or drooling or scary.

30) Made it through.

Rough Times

Had an enjoyable-though slightly stressful weekend. The fiance and I drove south to camp with my best friend and her new hubby and we all went to check out a potential wedding venue at the base of Rainier. We had some good camping grub prepared with our little portable propane grill (okay-we didn't do everything by the fire, but it was still rustic) including some delicious dawgs and biscuits and gravy in the mornin. Also made s'mores for the first time in a long time and probably ate way too many!

The stressful part was driving over two hours and taking a wrong turn outside Elbe and being late to our meet-up at the campground with the BF and hubby. Also had some financial anxiety pangs after looking over the potential wedding venue and calculating costs. It's scary how much a "small" wedding costs (<40 people) I can't imagine stomaching anything larger. But the place was beautiful, as were the views of Rainier.

After we got home Sunday, I had another depressive episode right before bed (I think watching a movie where the main character commits suicide didn't do me any good).

I started to come out of my funk this evening but still feel terrible-achy and guilty and ashamed. The fiance was so frightened by this episode he called my folks and they're coming up for a visit tomorrow. I'm anxious about it. My mother has given me her "Hannah Pep Talk" too many times, and it just makes me feel worse about myself as she outlines all the things I should be doing.

This is the third time I've seriously considered inpatient treatment and I feel like it's only a matter of time before I have another episode and end up handing over the keys to my life to some ER tech. Right now I know that I can't go on like this, my oscillations are tightening up and the happy spaces between episodes are shrinking-but the depression has sucked up so much energy and fight I'm having a hard time comprehending a comeback. All I can do is take things an hour at a time.

PS I'm very lucky to have a man that knows when to bring out my "Golden Girls" DVDs and let me rest up and try to fill up my happy tanks again. Right now I'm just trying to figure out how I deserve such a great guy and how I can avoid screwing up his life with my plight.

Early Spring Camping in the North Cascades

This weekend the fiance and I took off to the North Cascades for some impromptu (and rather chilly) camping. We ended up at Goodell Creek Campground about 15 minutes out of Marblemount and right on the banks of the Skagit river amidst moss-strewn trees and gorgeous mountainscapes. While we enjoy camping, we haven't been out and about quite yet because we're waiting for our true Washingtonian spring to be sprung-but when I was asked what I'd like to do this weekend I found myself replying, "I want to burn some shit," and so we took to the mountains!

The fiance had been researching new tent options and we found ourselves at the local REI with a 20% off coupon in our hot little hands and our REI member annual refund ready to be redeemed. We ended up purchasing a Marmot Limelight 3-person tent in a fantastic shade of orange. Why 3-person for 2-people? The only 2P tent in stock was the display model and we anticipate using the tent not only for backpacking trips in the near future, but as a blooming family camping trip tent. The fiance might be packing an extra pound or so of material up the trail for a while, but we are quite pleased with our purchase.

The rain flap has a handy vestibule with a teardrop window and the tent was almost too-easy to erect. In addition to the new tent we whipped out a Christmas present we had yet to use-a set of (assumed-to-be-novelty) LED Coleman Mini-Lantern String Lights. We strung the lights up in the tent's stash pocket expecting some cute twinkling lights and a romantic time but found ourselves bathed in blazing LED light and a read-aloud session ensued (we're currently working our way through Dumas' The Three Musketeers-drama, action, and French names that leave you needing to be resuscitated).

The lights are powered by 3 AA batteries, light enough to be hung easily in the tent, and bright enough to replace a traditional lantern option. We were happily surprised by the utility of the lights and immediately sent a thank-you picture text to the folks. Check out the lights here: http://www.amazon.com/Coleman-2000001475-LED-String-Lights/dp/tags-on-product/B001TSCDBQ

In other early spring camping news, we were prevented from reaching our trailhead to our planned Thornton Lake/peak hike by some intermittent, deep snow. The fallen boulders and trees we found on our way up the gravel road should have been indicator, but we pressed on until we found ourselves outplayed by a sharp corner covered in deep snow and slick gravel. We walked past the snow to see how hazardous the rest of the road was and found more snow and a large tree blocking the way up ahead. We gave up our hiking plans and resolved ourselves to some warm and outstanding breakfast at Patty's Eggnest outside Arlington (which has some delectable Swedish pancakes and biscuits-n-gravy you won't be able to stop munchin').

The blocked trailhead turned out to be a blessing. We had forgotten to leave extra food for the cats and they were very pleased to see us home sooner rather than later!

As for the cats: Millie's spaying wound is healing up quite well and didn't bust open and eek gut juice when she tossed herself down the kitty tower. Iroh is still grouchy about my recent vacuuming and seems to have dropped a bomb in the box as a form of revenge. Lovely!