Honestly.

I had ECT this morning. Now, it's this afternoon and I'm recuperating on the couch, watching a movie called "50/50." If you haven't seen it, I'd recommend it-just, maybe not on a day when you're keenly aware of your own illness.

Not too long ago I paused the movie and lurched off the couch and creaked down the hall to the bathroom. The boys had been playing for a bit and somehow I couldn't put it together where they were... Mind you, we live in a three-bedroom apartment. 

Standing in that hallway there was an open door to our bedroom on my right, a closed door ahead of me, and an open door on my left to the bathroom. They weren't in our bedroom or the bathroom and I couldn't remember what was behind the door in front of me.

I couldn't visualize BB's room. I could hear the boys playing and I couldn't imagine where they were. I forgot where his bed was, the blue mini-trampoline by the toy box and his bookshelf. I could hear their voices and had no idea the space they inhabited, the physical plane where they existed, what they could possibly look like behind that door.

My breath caught and the tears came. I stifled sobs and ducked into the bathroom, collapsing onto the floor in the dark. My nose ran. I wiped away tears and tried to keep quiet. Sucking air as I scrambled onto BB's plastic IKEA stool, I swiped at the door until it was mostly closed and slumped against the cabinet.

I was sick. I am sick. 

It's not usual for people to forget what their son's bedroom-a room they're in everyday-looks like. It's not usual for people to be getting IV sticks more than ice cream cones. When I can't remember what I read on the gym whiteboard or any part of the Super Bowl that I watched with the hubs, my gym friend, and our sons... it's not average. It's not a personality trait. It's a side effect. 

I'm sick. I'm sick and there's no cure. I can-I have-achieved remissions. I won't always be experiencing such dramatic side effects. I'm still sick. I'm still hitting up the pharmacy more often than most people visit The Olive Garden or some shit... I mean, you should see my medicine "cabinet." Honestly, I should be upgrading my storage options, 'cuz it's a cluster, I tell ya what.

Honestly. That word. It's a tough one for me. I have a difficult time gauging what's "honest" and what's "dramatic." Maybe that's because sometimes the honest truth is dramatic. Well, I don't want to be dramatic and I want to honest, so not only am I writing this post-I'm sharing some pictures that I've only ever shown to the hubs (well, he's not even seen some of them!).

So. Here goes. Some pictures. And more about my experience of being sick-not that I'm nearly as sick as some people! I know that it could be worse. I just want to be honest about how bad it is. I think a lot of it's about admitting to myself what I'm feeling... I've been opening up to some gym friends lately and it's a little confusing being so "chill" when I'm feeling so bad some days-ANYWAYS. Here goes.

I'm just gonna do it. (might've shared some of these before, just so ya know)

Heading into ECT w/ my hair net.
We put gowns over our street clothes
& cram all our belongings into bright green bags
that they leave at the foot of our bed during treatment.
Sometimes I'm lucky and get the Bair Hugger!

I got a butterfly IV today. Really easy stick too!
Took a picture to taunt the hubby-

Guess it's all about perspective, eh?
He's not one for needles-

Annual blood work does him in.
Kind of lucky that
I'm the "sick" one in that way!

Coming out of ECT.
This seems like my uniform of late-
striped cap, green sweater, Crocs!
It looks like I've been crying, although
I'm usually just misty-eyed post-anesthesia. 

Recovering last week at my parents' w/ BB
eating "yee-gurt" and watching Olympics.

Today.
Hard to see the goop on my temple from treatment-it's there.
Watching a movie about cancer made my cap feel way more "sicky!"
Hurt pretty bad post-treatment today.
Worst in a long time.
Getting a bit better now.

Found this from last month.
I can't remember exactly-I think we went
to the ER. The hubs claimed that he called
ahead and that they "had a room." Later
he admitted that he didn't know, he just told me
so to get me to the hospital.
Smart man.

So, I'm lying on the couch with a mass pillows and extra soft couch blankets (we're "couch blankets" people around here) and posting all these pictures... I feel like I've said something and not enough. Earlier, those sobs, that pain, I really, truly, deeply felt it. Now I feel numbed again. "It's not that bad" again.

Tapped for now.

Thank you. Love and hugs and gratitude and smiles. I'm getting back to "my life" more and more, hopefully that means more blogging. Even if it doesn't quite yet, know that I think of you all!

Bonus pic:

Made it to 29!
First official (29 yrs) bracelet :o)
PS: Good game in the background!

Checkin' In

Had my third ECT treatment so far this morning and with the way things are looking-I should be out of here Wednesday.

It's been, well, what you would expect: good and bad.

It's stressful making the adjustment to being "on the unit" and it's going to be stressful adjusting to "the outside" again. I've seen others come and go. I've gotten used to the nurses-especially those that I remember from years ago. At first I was a little ashamed to see them again after all these years (as if I should've "had everything figured out" or something) and now I'm just glad that they're here. It seems like they're used to a little bit of turnaround and they probably don't remember me as clearly as I remember them.

Either way-I'm very grateful for them.

I made a few new friends while I was here and I'll be able to keep in touch on Facebook etc. There was another (newer) mother here that I had particular fun with and I think we will be trying to hook up IRL once things settle down for each of us.

Right now, I'm looking forward to time with the hubs and BB. Baking in my kitchen. Seeing the outside of a building. Drinking some decent fuckin' coffee (for serious, c'mon people, folks be dying in here and ya give them this shit coffee?). *excuse my language plz*

So. I'm glad I checked in for another visit. It hasn't been and won't be easy, although I think everything has helped get me headed down the right path again.

I'm pretty nervous about making the transition with mental habits to get in a healthier spot again as well as transitioning back to daily life with the gym and such. I won't be driving for a bit while we finish up ECT (I've got three treatments this week and then we'll see about doing 3 again next week or going down to 2 and so on).

Not sure when I'll be able to get back to the gym, although it's looking like even next week is going to be a bit of a strain. Going on week three now that I've been away? No... yeah. This is week three. I was gone a week when my sister-in-law came to stay with BB and I, last week while I was in hospital, and now I'm entering into the third week. Jeesh. Could be a month out of the gym... Oh well.

Priorities.

One day a time.


Thank you everyone <3

Happy/Sad Days

Last week I got to graduate from my DBT therapy. Wednesday the 1st was my last group night and Tuesday the 7th was my last individual meeting. I can still contact my therapist if I need help or need a random session. Still, it was a goodbye rather than a "see ya later."

Saying goodbye to my classmates was more emotional than I expected. I knew that I would cry, I just didn't expect to be sniffling and stuttering and seal-barking hardcore crying like I was!


For DBT graduation we each hold a seashell and share our thoughts and goodbyes to each graduate before they get to hold the shell and give their goodbyes to the class. I started crying while people gave me their goodbyes and when I started into mine the dam really broke. Before I even addressed the class I gave them all individual cards and handed the instructor my bin of "special prizes" for the weeks when they get double homework or when they get to play Jeopardy for module reviews. It was a good feeling.

I got so many great compliments. People spoke about how different I am now compared to when I first started. I don't slump and mumble anymore. My shoulders are back and I'm a beaming light and I take up the whole room with my laugh-it was so sweet. They talk about how supportive and friendly I am. How hard I've worked at the skills. How different class will be without me.

My therapists each called me a "community maker." That meant a lot to me. For so long I've battled loneliness and felt so isolated. Now I initiate conversations with acquaintances and strangers. I reach out and don't worry about reciprocation. I'm not paralyzed by fear anymore. I'm me. Take it or leave it.


My individual therapist also talked about how much has changed over the past year. How she was really worried about me being able to do DBT with my history of ECT. When I started DBT I was still doing ECT. She said that they'd never encountered anyone who had done ECT that could effectively learn DBT-until me. She called me an anomaly. Special. It was magical. I felt like a diamond. It meant so much to have someone point out just how much I've battled through. How I've beat the odds.

I'm a success story. I want to stay a success story. One day a time.


We have done so much trying to get me back to good since Baby Bananaface was born. Medications, therapies, inpatient, outpatient, ECT, TMS, DBT, exercise. The medications have been a part of my recovery, sure, though I really feel like the DBT and my gym routine are what saved me.

For my birthday I got to share my thanks with my gym instructors and last week I got to share my thanks with my DBT community. I'm so happy that I'm in a place where I can share like that as well as acknowledge how far I've come.


Whew. So many emotions! Anywho. That happened. :o)

Reflection

I've been concentrating a lot on focusing my attention on the now and participating fully in the moment to help maintain my mood and well-being through the tumultuous holiday rush, but as New Year's nears I find myself looking back...

It's been quite a year. 2016 wasn't an easy one, that's for sure!

**I've plugged in some random photo highlights that may or may not correlate to my text, but I hope you enjoy them!

Thinking back to last January, I was in the hospital. According to my blog I went to my aunt's memorial, but I can't remember because of all the ECT treatments. For a good chunk of time I was doing so much ECT that I wasn't allowed to drive.

For a big part of the year I wasn't able to be alone with Baby Bananaface. It was too overwhelming or didn't feel safe.

For a while the hubster confiscated my tweezers because I was having a hard time controlling my urges to self harm.

In the spring I tried to kill myself.

Another chunk of my year was dedicated to TMS treatments multiple times a week. Throughout it all I've been on and off more drugs than I can name trying to find a mood stabilizer that'll work for me. To top it off I had those seizures and got diagnosed with a seizure disorder and got a prescription goin' for that...

There's been a lot between those headliners, including countless tears and hugs and kisses and fears shared between me and the hubster. Nights and days where I didn't feel safe. When I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the next day. When I didn't believe that I could ever find happiness or stability again.

Thankfully, things are changing. I have come far enough now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope again. I'm still working on the confidence part but my faith is certainly growing and despite the hiccups along the way I haven't given up.

So much has changed... I've come so far this year.

I'm driving again-even taking BB to and from daycare. I'm making meals and able to safely use my tweezers. I'm socializing and going to the gym nearly everyday. I'm even thinking about finding part-time work soon.

I've felt like a failure. I've felt broken. I've felt hopeless. More and more I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling strong. I'm feeling proud. I am surviving.

I'm glad to put this year behind me and I hope to have more positive memories to stir up this time next year :o)

Don't really remember doing resolutions much but I think I will be concentrating on keeping up with maintaining my health and moving forward.

I wish everyone a wonderful 2017 and thank you all for sharing 2016 with me.

Lastly, let's hear a big cheer for baby steps! Hoorah!

"It's Official" & Some Baby Bananaface Pics

Whew. Had to stay up late and get up early so I was sleep deprived enough for my EEG test this morning and it's made things a bit more challenging today, that's for sure! Somehow I'm still awake and I wanted to blog since I'll be on the road and busy with a family gift exchange tomorrow...

Anywho. This morning I did the MRI and EEG before meeting with my neurologist. He reviewed the results and said that my MRI was normal-even saying that my hippocampi are in great shape considering my chronic mental health conditions. So that was good!

Unfortunately, my EEG was not so normal. He says it's official that I have a right temporal lobe originating seizure disorder (or something like that, my hearing isn't the best and it was a lot of words strung together!).

The good news is that it isn't anything super rare and it's usually easily controlled by meds and won't necessarily disrupt my life. The medication he prescribed happens to also function as a mood stabilizer (I tried it out earlier this year or last year, I can't remember-it didn't work then but my psychiatrist thinks we have a shot at it working better this time since I'm not in such a deep depressive hole) and we're sure hoping that it kills two birds with one stone!

So that's the news! It's a bit of shock but with everything I've been through lately it doesn't seem to rattle me as much as I thought it might... I guess being aware of how much danger I was in when my depression was much worse makes something like these seizures and a new disorder seem a little less threatening or scary?

In other, more jolly news, I've been listening to Baby Bananaface a little more intently lately and observing what words he seems to have. I'm happy to report instances of garbled "Thank you" and "Please," even "Love you!" He's pretty good at "Buh-bye" and "Momma," too. :o) He got a new haircut and looks so much older and listening to his "talking" is such a sweet thing... I so look forward to meeting the man he's gonna be and watching him grow up <3

I Been Busy!

Boy howdy. It's been a busy few days!

Saturday the hubby and I got an extended date day when my mom surprised us and said that she wasn't planning on staying for lunch, just grabbing Baby Bananaface and heading out (she was taking him for an overnight babysitting session so the hubs and I could go to a game group party). So the hubster and I took the opportunity to dine in the bar section and the hubs even had a fufu mojito!

That was just the beginning of our date day-some shopping, a murder mystery party, and a movie at the theater followed! The movie was a pretty big deal considering I hadn't been to the cinema in over 6 months for fear of triggering my anxiety or panic. I definitely experienced some stress but I was able to ride the waves, use my skills, and make it through the movie without succumbing to the anxiety or a panic attack-I'd even say that I had a good time ;o)



Sunday I juggled ornaments and the gym before my sister arrived with BB (worked out really well that we could drop him off halfway to my parents' Saturday and then my sister could bring him back to us on Sunday since she and I had plans). She and I proceeded to have a girls' night out with a trip to a local nursery/shop for their Christmas extravaganza (I enjoyed some free decaf and Christmas cookie treats).

We then proceeded to have a fun dinner out before nabbing some lattes on our way downtown to the theater where we got to see a live production of "The Little Mermaid!" We were both a little worried about how they would handle one of our favorite movies ever but the production was nicely executed and we weren't disappointed. We both got the crap scared outta us by some confetti cannons but it was fun overall!

I think my favorite part of the night was listening to music while we drove to Seattle and back; singing at the top of lungs together. My sister and I aren't always on the same wavelength and sometimes it feels like we don't know each other very well, but last night we had a great time together and I'm so grateful for the experience.

Today I had to just keep rollin' as I had two appointments downtown and still have one to go (thankfully not as far a drive but still outta my way). 

My endocrinology appointment went super fast as did my blood draw. Good news! If this thyroid level is good like my last test I can switch to following up with my primary care provider instead of seeing a specialist-and that means just driving or walking across the street instead of driving 45 minutes into downtown *woot*

My psychiatry appointment went well too. We talked about all the progress I've made and how I'm handling the challenges that remain and agreed that waiting and seeing how the Lamictal treats me this time is the best idea for now. I had tried the Lamictal months ago for purely mood stabilizing purposes but now I've been prescribed the drug for anti-seizure purposes. My psychiatrist thinks it might work better this time around as a mood stabilizer since my mood is much better now to start with than it was. As she put it, "you were in a hole, a BIG hole." I sure hope she's right and I can get a 2-for-1 with this med! 

Whew. So that's a bit of what's going on here. Trying not to think too far ahead but still working toward my goals, one step at a time :o)

Happy Monday! 

Don't Fear The Progress

I now have "Don't Fear The Reaper" stuck in my head. D'oh!

Anyways-the progress I'm referring to in the title is my TMS taper. Yesterday was my last appointment for an entire month (assuming things go well). I'm a little nervous about going without some sort of treatment (TMS or ECT) and having such an open schedule but I also recognize that I've made a lot of progress and that I'm probably stronger than I think. And even though I'm not doing TMS or ECT all the time anymore I'm still working with medications and DBT skills/therapy-so I'm not totally out in the cold by any means!

The taper from 5x/week to 3x/week to 2x/week to 1x/week went pretty well-better than I expected for sure. I definitely need to find things to pop into my schedule and keep myself busy but I have gym classes and I also know that I'll be signing up for an online course through the community college soon and I'm looking forward to that.

I'm nervous and a bit frightened but I can also see that I'm making progress and that taking yet another step in the right direction is a good thing. It's okay to be afraid sometimes and I'm still building up my confidence.

So that's the news. Still staying the course, still plugging along.

OH! I can't remember if I mentioned or not that I managed to bring up the issues I was having with my therapist and we were able to talk through some things. I now feel much more comfortable piping up about how I'm feeling and as of right now I think things are going to be all right. I still reserve the right to change therapists if I need to at some point in the future but as it is I think we were able to reach a better place. She was very helpful last week during our session when I was having a very down day and I was very grateful for that....

Anyways. I haven't been feeling 100% physically, little sore throat and coughing, so I'm going to brew some hot beverage and cuddle up for some TV time (another mini-challenge for myself trying to relax into watching some TV without my brain going haywire).

Happy Friday to everyone!

Sunday Review/Happy Monday!

Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of 9/11 and even though I had been thinking of the event all week, I honestly forgot about it that morning until halfway through my walk with Fio.

It was a beautiful morning and I found myself feeling so grateful that I could be taking a peaceful walk without fearing for my life, even swapping content "good morning" greetings with my neighbors. We're just about strangers to each other but we're also countrymen with an undeniable link and that's so important to remember.

The radio station I happened to have on played the anthem on the hour all day and the hubs and I both really appreciated it (even got a little teary!) despite not being in love with the version they selected... but Whitney Houston's take on the anthem grew on us during the day I think.

I always end up feeling very grateful even though there are also many dark feelings like fear and anger that come along with these anniversaries.

Speaking of anniversaries, Sunday also happened to mark 5 months since I attempted to take my life. I still feel like I'm "sick" and frustrated to still be striving for some undefined "all better" or sense of feeling good enough (but really, even when I'm "healthy" I'm not sure if I've ever been able to maintain a sense of feeling good enough). I think that's a really complicated aspect of my mental health, but someday I hope to be at peace with myself and really, truly accepting my best as good enough.

All that said, I think I've made a lot of changes and my baby steps are adding up to many positive shifts in my health and my life. I still have hard days and I still wonder if I can hold it all together, but more and more I find myself believing in my own strength and appreciating the little things that I'm able to do now that I just couldn't manage those several months back-even simple things like getting out of the condo, feeding myself, and doing chores.

We didn't do anything specific to commemorate the date but the hubs and I were both contemplative and able to appreciate our family hike and time together a little more than usual :o)

Here are some fun pictures from the trail: a cool frog I spotted, a family selfie, and some goofy pics. Also, another selfie from story time at home that night.

Many emotions and ups and downs but overall a good day.

So far, my Monday is going well. I was feeling well enough to cancel the ECT appointment I made "just in case" last week. There were a few pretty bad days last week that made us think I might need a treatment to get the suicidal thoughts to subside, but I think I'm transitioning out of the darkness-at least I'm working hard to try and make that happen!

Anyways, the ECT staff and TMS staff have been very helpful and supportive and I'm so glad to have them as part of my treatment. It's amazing how such wonderful people manage to be in some of the darkest spots of life and brighten things up no matter how bad things get.

Happy Monday all!

A Busy Day

Today I had appointments for TMS and meeting with my psychiatrist, the first of which was at 8:00 AM! Lemme tell you, driving into Seattle for an 8:00 AM appointment is something special, but I made it right on time and had a good treatment session.

I had some time to kill between appointments and enjoyed myself at a local mall even though I accidentally consumed a caffeinated coffee beverage (sometimes I just forget to mention the decaf part when I order!) and set myself up for some exaggerated anxiety in the afternoon. I was a little late to my psychiatrist appointment because I didn't leave soon enough to compensate for traffic but overall the appointment went well and I enjoyed seeing my doctor.

We've decided to give another new mood stabilizer a try although it all depends on my insurance giving approval. I'm a little nervous and afraid of experiencing the jittery symptoms again since this is another atypical and I've tended to have that reaction in the past but I'm willing to try and see and hope for the best.

I've been having challenging days but not terrible days and I'm grateful for the little perks and positive moments throughout. The anxiety has definitely been plaguing me but the DBT skills certainly help and I've been trying to keep busy and keep fighting back.

*sigh*

Feeling fearful anticipating the new medication and potential reactions and considering how I haven't been feeling super great and already wore down by anxiety but I'm also aware that I've been feeling a bit better and am holding on to at least a little bit of hope that I'll find a medication that helps me in some way... all I can do is keep slugging along taking things one day at a time! So many people tell me things will get better and I have a hard time believing it but I believe it enough to keep juggling all these treatments and therapies and coping skills and yadda yadda yadda! Ugh! I want to be confident in my wellbeing!



Also, I heard that Gene Wilder passed. I was sad to hear this but hope he's at peace. The remembrances on the radio have brought bittersweet tears to my eyes multiple times. He was a good soul in my book.

Vacay Mega Post!!!

For our vacation we went up north to a little town called Birch Bay and stayed with my parents at a condo. We played a lot of card/dice/word games and also saw some of my relatives (my two remaining aunts from my dad's side and even a cousin of mine and my sister for a little bit the first day) as well as participating in a variety of day trips and other fun.

It was a good trip even though I battled through some anxiety at times. Some of the highlights included working out at the gym watching "I Love Lucy" and "The Golden Girls" from the treadmill, communicating with my mom about my anxiety and getting support from her, going to Canada and golfing as well as getting Baby Bananaface his first haircut, and playing in the pool with my family.

Here are some pics captured by my mom throughout the trip, there are a few repetitive ones and quite a variety but I felt like some were too good not to share!

All of us at my alma mater, Western Washington Uni.
I got a new sweatshirt that I've been wanting for months-
yay!

The hubs and BB enjoying the pool

Apparently Mom took a shot of me in the pool-
I look so happy I'm even comfy sharing
the pic even with me in a bathing suit!

The hubster had some very angry energy
with his very aggressive swings...
I happened to find him a perfect keepsake
afterward-an angry golfing Donald Duck ornament!

Can't golf without a binkie!

Action shot. He held onto that golf ball
nearly the entire time!

This reminds me of Godzilla for some reason :o)

Baby Bananaface preparing for takeoff
at his first haircut-he really enjoyed the
"Dora the Explorer" on the TV!

Me and my parents happily observing

Not phased at all-totally chill the entire time!

The "after" picture :o)

The hubs and I playing around
with Mom's "Snapchat" app thingy face-swap!

I used a lot of my DBT skills throughout the vacation and I think it contributed to me enjoying the trip more. I also really appreciated being able to use the skills to reach out to my husband and my family for support as I struggled with some anxiety instead of keeping quiet and trying to hide my truth.


Speaking of DBT, I had class tonight that was the end of a module and involved the graduation of 3 ladies that I really appreciate having in class and am going to miss quite a bit... I decided to be brave and wrote them each a little note with my contact information so maybe I'll hear from them and we'll stay in touch. We shall see! I think this is an example of one of the ways DBT is helping me and I'm growing as a person and I'm really grateful for that :o)

In other news, I start TMS tomorrow and see one of my friends from college/childhood so gonna be a busy day! I'm scared but trying to believe in myself and stay calm and focused and just do my best.


Mega post out!

Just Don't Give Up

So I'm getting help from 3 main sources-a psychiatrist trying to help me through medication, other psychiatrists trying to help me through ECT, and a therapist trying to help me through DBT-and now one of my psychiatrists has suggested a different type of brain stimulating therapy instead of ECT called TMS. It's all so confusing and borderline overwhelming but I'm trying to hang tough and keep fighting. I don't know exactly what therapy or combination of therapies is going to help me most but I know that I can't give up and I have to keep trying...

Right now I'm in an awkward place where I'm starting the transition from ECT to TMS and trying to balance DBT and waiting to see how things are going to work out.

I'm scared and nervous and just trying to keep on keeping on.... as long as I don't give up I can't fail, right?

It Ain't Easy

Been chugging along lately doing my best and accepting that things aren't always easy or pretty. Sometimes I just have to do what I have to do to get by and that meant an ECT appointment on Thursday and means another this Wednesday as well (potentially Friday too if I'm still feeling shaky). That's more ECT than we were planning on but if it helps us avoid a major spiral, boy-howdy, we gonna do it!

We have also switched up things on the medication front by discontinuing an anti-anxiety pill (it was primarily a blood pressure medication and while I didn't get any anti-anxiety benefits I was getting a lot of dizzy spells during my exercise classes that I didn't appreciate!) and starting another mood stabilizer. I've had such little luck with these meds that my hopes aren't up very high but I do hold out some hope that I'll see some type of benefit. At least I haven't seen any hives this time (yet!).

I've been staying active with my gym classes and walk/jogging at the park down the street and I've definitely seen my mood improve and my stress decrease with the increase in activity level. I've also been reaching out to friends and trying to be more social, which can be stressful for me but also benefits me in many ways. I've even begun a new volunteer gig with the blood bank! I have to take it slow and be aware of my stress levels and anxiety but the increased activity tends to keep me outta the darker spaces in my mind and I think is the right way to go for me :o)

In other news, my uncle isn't doing so hot. Like, he could go any minute type of thing. Apparently he has three types of cancer and some other health issues that make treatment impossible and it's complicated and not pretty.

This is my mom's brother and I think I mentioned on here that her sister, my favorite and bestest aunt, died this past January while I was hospitalized the 2nd time-so having her brother pass in the same year... I mean, come on. She's having a tough time. I don't know what more to say about it other than I'm hoping that he is comfortable and that his son gets to see him before he passes, he hasn't been doing so great for years so it's not shocking or that unexpected, but definitely still sad and a shift for our family.

Oh, speaking of, my sister had her gallbladder out. That was unexpected but not necessarily shocking because she's had wonky health issues and if anyone was gonna have their gallbladder out at 23 it would be my sister...

Anyways. My thoughts have been doing some racing and I've had some dark moments but thankfully my DBT skills have been helping a lot. Sort of odd, there was a local shooting and one of the victims was a babysitter that the hubs and I used during my first hospitalization... hearing that on the news definitely stirred up some feelings! So scary having something like that hit so close to home. Ugh.

This post is all over the place but so be it. Life is happening and it ain't neat and pretty or easy, it just is!

Sorry if I haven't been keeping up with your posts lately. I haven't been on the computer much at all but I've been thinking about it and wondering about everyone! Thanks for reading :o)

Fruit Salad Post

I'm just gonna go for it and throw in a handful of the thoughts and feelings that are with me today and let this post turn into whatever it is meant to become!

A) I really appreciated this blog post and how it helped simplify and validate my disorder while also providing some concrete tools for improving communication with others. I don't get to talk with people in this fashion about bipolar II very often but it's something that I would like to feel confident talking about if ever I got the chance.

*I was concerned about the comments she made about bipolar being highly genetic and the 50% stat she threw down, but the hubster has reassured me that it is more complex and less stark/severe than that and that I shouldn't feel like Baby Bananaface is a timebomb or that I've poisoned him... he found some other statistics that were more realistic and thankfully, reassuring. That said I am not an expert on this so I can't clarify what the "truth" is, I just don't want anybody freaking out like I did!

B) I've been having a lot of feelings about my aunt's passing and my relationship with my cousin and some of that involves feeling grief but also shameful or fearful or upset about the distance that has evolved between me and my cousin and my sorta-uncle (I don't call him "Uncle __" I just call him "__" and they weren't officially married til later in their relationship so... it's confusing but I like the guy). 

Part of the reason that distance evolved was because of my postpartum depression and the fact that I was in the hospital while my aunt was in a different hospital dying. She had had cancer for months prior to that and I hadn't seen her because she was a heavy smoker and I had stopped visiting years before because it was physically uncomfortable and very emotionally painful for me to see her and "__" smoking and, in my eyes, hurting themselves. I feel like a part of me knew that a very painful end was coming and I backed away early because I just didn't know how to cope with all the feelings I was having at the time.

Since she died I've been more and more expressive about my sadness but I've felt a little odd and "on the outside" of the grief since I didn't see her during her sickness and death. It feels like my cousin and my sorta-uncle and my first family have more license to be sad than I but I think this is the mark of an invalidating family structure, a part of the ongoing battle I experience around being myself and being okay with that... 

The fact is that I was too sensitive to watch my aunt slowly kill herself and I had to get distance, I had a lot going on in my own life and my mental health issues prevented me from coping with that high stress situation and prevented me from seeing her not only while she was sick but before then too. The fact is that my experience is unique and different from everyone else's and it happens to involve grieving from a greater distance and I am thankful that I protected myself from potentially very traumatic memories surrounding her disease and death. It has made things awkward, but I really don't regret my decision to run for the hills when I did-it was the best I could do for myself and that's all I can hope for. I don't know if I'll ever regain as close a relationship with my sorta-uncle or cousin but I can't blame myself for that, I can just do my best and be me and hope for the best.

*Still sorting through this, but that splat of feelings certainly helps!

C) I have a little update related to reintroducing myself to myself (I talked about feeling like a stranger in my own life the other day and the hubbo suggested reframing my loss of self as a journey to rediscover myself, to reintroduce myself)... On Monday I was up to some good ole Hannah mischief! Here's the scoop:

The hubster had a dentist appointment to get a filling. He's been complaining about it for weeks because he hates the feeling of the needle they use to numb him up and generally isn't a fan of the dentist anyway. That morning as I was driving home from the gym I had an inspiration to make him a little encouragement card and drop it off at the dentist's so they could give it to him when he checked in. I made him a little card with a scattering of shiny red foil hearts and a grumpy Garfield cartoon and a little note and dropped it off just before the dentist's office went to lunch. 

That afternoon I could cheery text from the hubster about "running into Garfield at the dentist's" and he was so grateful for the card! I was so glad I could help him relax and also grateful I could feel like myself again. It was a wonderful moment and I'm hoping I can continue to build on the positive vibes.

D) Overall, my wellness is improved. The jitters are gone and I'm off my Latuda now (we are keeping a watchful eye out for any symptoms that may crop up related to this). I am still struggling with anxiety but I've been able to use my DBT skills to help me cope and there is a little piece of me that sidling up to the idea of thinking of a future, looking ahead, buying into life more-and that's a big deal.

I still very much feel like a work in progress (and/or a "hot mess") but I feel like I'm starting to push back against those dark, sticky ideas that I'm worthless and hopeless and while that bit of fight in me feels a little strange, it also feels a little good too. 

E) Here are this week's "Words for Wednesday" prompts provided by River:

1. energy

2. caravan

3. drop

4. whispering

5. farmer

6. tracker

and/or

1. slinging

2. risking

3. young

4. absolute

5. morsels

6. contain

and/or

"the headlights were the only illumination on the single lane road"

I didn't write anything based on the prompts but wanted to share them around in case anyone needed some inspiration! :o)

F) Bonus link for anxiety disorder related boost-ya-up/perk :o)

So there is this fruit salad post, hope it doesn't hurt yer eyes too much!

Changing It Up

The past week has been a rough one. I've been writing down when I have certain symptoms (jitters, anxiety, panic) to prove to myself that I'm experiencing certain side effects and my little sticky note chart came in handy at my psychiatrist appointment Tuesday.

It's pretty obvious from my notes and the hubster's and my testimonies that I've been having akathisia and increased anxiety, likely due to the increase in my mood stabilizing medication, Latuda. We've also been concerned about my use of benzodiazepines for anti-anxiety as they have been known to increase impulsivity/reduce inhibition and with my suicide attempt April 11th, the hubster has been paying close attention to my anti-anxiety use and helping me make sure that I'm not too distraught when I take them so I'm less likely to hurt myself or act on those bad thoughts. It's been tough but I learned some different tricks to help calm me down in DBT class that are coming in handy...

Anyways. The "Changing It Up" part of things is a new, lower dose of the Latuda and a different anti-anxiety medication called gabapentin. The gabapentin comes in a big bottle and I take it up to three times a day which makes me feel a little ridiculous but I try to remember to be kind to myself and not judge, to remember that it doesn't matter how many pills I have to take, it's about getting myself to feel better. We should know by the end of the week if these new doses/pills are going to help me.

The physical symptoms have been rough but the mental reaction has been challenging as well. I haven't been reacting as poorly as I could (no self injury or major suicidal ideation), I have been somewhat gentle with myself but I am quite resistant, down on myself, and upset at the jittery and anxious feelings and the negativity just makes me more miserable. Doing the surveys before my psychiatrist appointment made me realize just how depressed the increased anxiety and akathisia has made me-I knew that my anxiety survey would be high but my depression survey surprised me!

Thankfully my psychiatrist was supportive and my therapist was quite helpful at my appointment Monday as well; reminding me about changing my reactions and making my thoughts more positive and helpful. It's difficult, and I have a long way to go to making my brain automatically chill itself out, but I feel like I am aimed in a better direction now and that helps. Between the DBT skills and the new pills I feel like I'm doing something to try and improve the situation and that is a vast improvement on feeling miserable and helpless.

So. I'm trying to be gentle with myself, stay positive in the face of some frustrating symptoms and patient while I wait for the medication changes to set in. I'm also trying to cut back on my self-pity and dwelling on the frustration and move toward being more proactive, active, and tricky when it comes to utilizing DBT skills and coping that way instead of letting things get the better of me and feeling like I am powerless.

I haven't been as social or active lately on the blog scene, but I did get to read and comment a bit today which felt good... hope to get back into my old blog groove now that the A-to-Z is over but it's another transition of sorts.

Hope everyone is having some better days while I'm juggling these nasty ones! I've been able to do some laundry, some Sudoku, and even cleaned the bathroom floor so it's not all bad! :o)

One day-one hour-one minute at a time... nice deep breaths and I'll make it through! I can do this!

L is for Learning #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

L is for learning, or learnin' as I sometimes say, as in book learning (knowledge gathered from books or study as opposed to experience) because not only do I truly enjoy learning I am very grateful for learning new things as a piece of my recovery. 

While I was inpatient we would have a variety of learning experiences during therapy that involved articles, workbooks, worksheets, and educational films. I am currently in a DBT class (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and seeing a DBT therapist to learn new coping mechanisms and make positive lifestyle changes, and boy, is that workbook hefty! There are also various articles that I read online and research into my diagnoses that I do mostly online that are a more freeflowing, unpredictable but essential part of my learning in recovery that I also consider book learnin'. 

I gain a lot of knowledge through experience, but I find book learnin' to be more enjoyable and rewarding. The hubster seems to be a bit different. He would gain a lot of knowledge and rewarding feelings from say, falling down the side of a mountain whereas I would just be upset! I think it shows how there are different types of people in the world. Some people prefer book learnin' to experience, some people prefer experience, and some people prefer not to learn at all (a la #Trump and his supporters). 

Learning is one of those complicated things that can be quite pleasurable or quite unpleasant. One of those big ticket items in life that can be considered what life is all about like love, family, experience; learning is unending and sometimes convoluted, other times delightfully simple:

live to learn; learn to live.

For someone like me, who has considered taking her own life on multiple occasions, learning to live is no joke. While I'll probably be working on this lesson for the rest of my life, learning to live well can be as satisfying as it is challenging. Some of it comes natural, but there are a lot of ways I've had to learn to take care of myself and I'm really glad I have books and resources to help me!

And seriously, if we didn't learn anything ever we wouldn't last very long, would we?!

Take care and be well :o)

Status Update

I came across this article the other day and .... enjoyed isn't the right word, maybe "appreciated" is the right word? I appreciated this article. I felt encouraged and inspired and reassured  and that doesn't happen too often when it comes to embracing my bipolar disorder.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to "come out" other than through this blog and with my psych ward friends (we have our own secret FB group) but this article made me feel like one day, maybe I could be open about it, educate others, live healthier.... maybe. I don't know. We'll have to see.

I swear, I did not drug his Cheerios!

Yesterday I met with one of my ECT doctors to discuss my treatment and progress with the right side unilateral treatment and today I had my first bifrontal treatment with both electrodes on my forehead-not bilateral where they are on both sides-with one of the other doctors. Thankfully one of my favorite nurses did my IV and everything went really well, unlike Tuesday where the anesthesiologist ran my IV and fucked it up twice, once on each back of my hand (I'm still sportin' the bruises) before she got it in the crook of my arm. 

The anesthesiologist  I had today asked about my last experience and if there were any issues with anesthesia and while I hesitated at first she encouraged me and I told her about the torturous IV placement and she was understanding . This time went pretty well, a little sting but hardly noticeable as the sleepy juice went in. 

I also saw my psychiatrist this week and discussed my drugs.... oooh so many drugs. I have Lunesta, Klonopin, Ativan, and Latuda. I know some people have more, but for me, this is enough. Grr. 

Since I had some pretty bad days earlier this week she's thinking that we may have to up the Latuda in addition to switching up the electrode placement for ECT. Hopefully something will kick into gear, I'm sick of my life being on hold. 

It has been really been bringing me down not being able to clean my house, drive, having nausea and headaches, difficulty sleeping, trouble with jaw clenching and shoulder tension.... I'm just not feeling great. That said I have been laughing and joking more. So something is changing, however slowly. 

BB's funny blank face and the hub's happy face.

In good news, I have been feeling affectionate and attracted to the hubby (yay!) and loving toward the chitlin even though I don't have it in me to take care of him all that much... I get wore out pretty quick. I even play with Fio and cuddle some!

Also, it's been interesting having my mom, dad, and sister help get me to and from ECT. I've never let them see me so vulnerable and out of it (like today I panicked a bit when I couldn't remember if I had scheduled my next appointments) but they have surprised me in a good way. 

We still don't talk in too much detail about the bipolar but just the fact that they are acknowledging it and helping me get treatment in such an active and involved way (not just assuming I'm getting drugs/therapy and that it's working) is important to me.

Lastly, I'm sorry I haven't been reading or commenting around the blogosphere much, I just haven't been up to it. That said, ya'll are on my mind and I hope each of you and yours is doing well.

No, it's not a crime scene photo... he just passed out mid-bottle.
Also, he loves playing with leashes, cords, and remotes...

Okay, That's Quite Enough Now...

Had ECT earlier today. The hubby dropped me off and my dad met me there and afterward we went out for lunch (we both have a thing for Port of Subs' #5 smoky cheddar, turkey, and ham sub and I have a thing for McMenamins' salted-caramel hazelnut tart and wouldn't ya know it right down the street from my condo we have both those restaurants so we were able to have exactly what we wanted for our main course and dessert! They served some killer coffee and just as I predicted, Dad really enjoyed the dessert as well-he has a thing for caramel and hazelnut.) Anyways, that's all fine and dandy, but my memory has been a bit troublesome this afternoon.

The doctors and nurses have been asking me if my memory has been giving me grief and I have been replying that it's a little rough right after treatment but I bounce back pretty quickly and it's not too bad overall. Well today, things were really rough afterward. I was more disoriented and struggled to recall memories more than ever before. Whether it was telling the recovery nurse what day it was or picking up what my dad was alluding to going on next weekend (BB's birthday) I was having a tough time. Even now, as I sit in my living room looking at BB's giant elephant stuffie I had a struggled to remember where the hell we got the thing (Ikea) and at lunch throughout our conversation I had a tough time recalling memories and stories that Dad brought up.

Basically, I'm getting more concerned and upset about my memory troubles and thinking that I'm getting to the point where I need to take a break from ECT. I'm not sure if I've quite got to the point where I've maxed out my benefit but I think I've got to the point where I need to lay off the zaps for a while. I can't remember exactly how many sessions I've had but I think I'm to the point where the docs have people take a break because they seem to getting concerned about my... noggin.

So that's going on and I'm also a little upset because I totally forgot that the hubster is in school online right now and I haven't asked how he's doing or offered any support, so I feel pretty shitty about myself as a wife at the moment.  I'm feeling better about myself as a mother since I've been playing and cuddling and changing Baby Bananaface more lately as my mood has improved with treatment (yay) and even as a pet-mom I've been more friendly as things have improved.

Oh, did I mention that I forgot to get the hubby a Valentine's Day card? More negative points in the wife category! Although we've been screwing around more so he's not totally getting the short stick lately....

Anyways. I'm feeling scared, disoriented, upset, and forgetful and although I want my mood to improve a little bit more I'm coming to accept that it's time to take a break soon.

In other news, I'm hoping to read more WEP stories soon and there is also something going on with one of my friends from inpatient; one of the guys texted me earlier letting me know that one of the girls is in another inpatient unit around our neck of the woods. I was already planning on contacting her to talk about DBT since I have an intake appointment for a DBT group next week and she's been through a DBT skills course but now I'm even more motivated to catch up with her and find out how she's doing.

So that's some of what's going on with me... and now I'm going to mix up some hummingbird sauce and get back to watching some "Brisco County Jr.". Kind of an obscure, short-lived TV show from the 90s but one of my favorites. As a little girl I had a crush on Bruce Campbell and he was also in this series called "Burn Notice" more recently that the hubby and I enjoyed watching together. He also did those... uh, what are they called... (memory struggles, give me a moment to Google) Evil Dead flicks. I'm not as into those because I'm not really into scary/creepy/ooky stuff but I understand that they are quite popular and have a cult following.

Anyways, off to do my hummingbird sauce! Hope that everyone is doing well, I can't remember if I've kept up with my blogging buddies' blogs lately or not but I'll certainly be trying to catch up when I get the time :) just know that you're on my mind even if I can't recall so!

Grumble.

Not feeling so great today. Yesterday the ECT doctor asked about switching to bilateral treatment. Part of me doesn't care about potentially losing memories but I am upset about the ECT not doing exactly what it's supposed to do. I've been going under anesthesia and being zapped in the head for weeks and haven't felt much difference. I'm disappointed to be feeling this crappy after this much time. I'm not sure if I have much confidence in switching to bilateral if unilateral hasn't done much for me.

I also get to look forward to new medications that may or may not work. Woohoo.

Ugh. Unilateral. Bilateral. Medications. My therapist says I need to find someone else that is better able to assist me.

...

I'm sad. I feel like a failure. I'm losing faith in the treatments, my doctors.

This sucks.



Poop on a stick.

Poop on a flippin' stick.

Whatever that means.

New Day, New Gauge

I've named this pink beauty Heinrich. I was really close to getting stuck in my hand but I've heard that sucks so I whined a bit and the IV nurse admitted that I did have another vein in my arm after all.

Today was a rough day for me. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was suicidal and really negative. Got to brekkie close to two hours late after my nurse rustled me outta bed. Despite my low mood and high anxiety I stayed in the common area for the football game (we lost) and worked on a puzzle.

This afternoon the hubs came by. Was nice just being the two of us for a bit, having the baby with my folks. Later my mom and friend S came by. I hadn't seen S in a long time, I was so glad she reached out and came to visit.

My mood is still low. I'm not looking forward to having this catheter in my arm and doing treatments and waiting around and having headaches and throat aches and missing meals but there isn't much choice. The hubs said the nurse says that the low mood is a good sign, that we have to go through the dark to get to the light sort of thing.

I could do without.

Ugh.

Here and....

Queer. That's a good word for it. I don't feel sick/crazy and yet part of me, somehow I know that I'm sick/crazy. It's a queer feeling. A powerless feeling yet threatening, like if the dark side gets to powerful suddenly I'll be a suicidal raptor no one can catch.

Even that paragraph was flippin' queer as hell---and they ain't even changed my drugs or nuthin.

So that's a taste of where I'm at.

Talked with the doctor today and there is a newer drug option or the ECT option or the TMS option.

Talked with the hubs and BB (well, ya know, he crawled all over the conversation) and we decided this time ECT is where we need to go with treatment.

It's a bit scary. The procedure, a little bit, but the possibility of success and the pressure of having a life to live is scary too. I am in a place where I've given up, I'm all out not all in, the possibility of taking back responsibility for a broken life when I've been prepared to hand it over like an expired credit card...

Lots of confused feelings.

Funny food note (cuz that's what I do when I'm in a hospital) I ordered angel food cake with raspberry sauce and got a teensy container of raspberry sauce. I guess I circled the sauce part but not the cake? It was pretty funny seeing the conspicuous space for the cake part on my tray. I think someone was feeling crabby down in food services! No cake for Hannah!

Jello tomorrow. Orange. :)



Thanks for reading as I figure this out.