Monday, September 12, 2016

Sunday Review/Happy Monday!

Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of 9/11 and even though I had been thinking of the event all week, I honestly forgot about it that morning until halfway through my walk with Fio.

It was a beautiful morning and I found myself feeling so grateful that I could be taking a peaceful walk without fearing for my life, even swapping content "good morning" greetings with my neighbors. We're just about strangers to each other but we're also countrymen with an undeniable link and that's so important to remember.

The radio station I happened to have on played the anthem on the hour all day and the hubs and I both really appreciated it (even got a little teary!) despite not being in love with the version they selected... but Whitney Houston's take on the anthem grew on us during the day I think.

I always end up feeling very grateful even though there are also many dark feelings like fear and anger that come along with these anniversaries.

Speaking of anniversaries, Sunday also happened to mark 5 months since I attempted to take my life. I still feel like I'm "sick" and frustrated to still be striving for some undefined "all better" or sense of feeling good enough (but really, even when I'm "healthy" I'm not sure if I've ever been able to maintain a sense of feeling good enough). I think that's a really complicated aspect of my mental health, but someday I hope to be at peace with myself and really, truly accepting my best as good enough.

All that said, I think I've made a lot of changes and my baby steps are adding up to many positive shifts in my health and my life. I still have hard days and I still wonder if I can hold it all together, but more and more I find myself believing in my own strength and appreciating the little things that I'm able to do now that I just couldn't manage those several months back-even simple things like getting out of the condo, feeding myself, and doing chores.

We didn't do anything specific to commemorate the date but the hubs and I were both contemplative and able to appreciate our family hike and time together a little more than usual :o)

Here are some fun pictures from the trail: a cool frog I spotted, a family selfie, and some goofy pics. Also, another selfie from story time at home that night.

Many emotions and ups and downs but overall a good day.

So far, my Monday is going well. I was feeling well enough to cancel the ECT appointment I made "just in case" last week. There were a few pretty bad days last week that made us think I might need a treatment to get the suicidal thoughts to subside, but I think I'm transitioning out of the darkness-at least I'm working hard to try and make that happen!

Anyways, the ECT staff and TMS staff have been very helpful and supportive and I'm so glad to have them as part of my treatment. It's amazing how such wonderful people manage to be in some of the darkest spots of life and brighten things up no matter how bad things get.

Happy Monday all!


  1. I think many of us were reflecting yesterday. I know that I cried with some of the reminders.

    Your hike looks like a lot of fun yesterday, and I especially like the family portrait in your pictures. Your son is really cute.

  2. Love the photo of the three of you. Baby Banana face is quite the cute boy. I am glad you're still here for him, your family and all of us who have cried , cheered you on and sent hugs. You are a remarkable young woman and I hope your light will shine for a long time. Hugs!

  3. I am so glad you are doing so well!

    Isn't it maddening that we as women bear children, give birth (in your case a 10 pound + baby) and breastfeed only to have said baby to look exactly like the father! BB is a clone of his daddy! :-)

  4. Loved those photos.
    And join the chorus saying how glad I am that your baby steps have taken you SUCH a long way.

  5. I am so happy that your baby steps are helping you so much, Hannah! Your photos are lovely, and the frog is so beautiful! You have such a radiant smile! It is amazing how much baby steps can help, isn't it? Sending you warm hugs and much love. I am very proud of you!

  6. You have people helping you. 9-11 there were people helping. Sometimes were forget the helpers. What would any of us do without them.

  7. I love all these photos! What fun. And may I add, as well, how happy I am to hear that you are doing so well! WOOT WOOT

  8. 9/11 is always a sad day. It stirs many emotions within.

    Continue believing in yourself...and keep taking those steps forward, one at a time....and if sometimes you feel like running instead of just free with the wind through your hair. :)

    I love the little frog...I love frogs. They're wonderful creatures.

  9. Thank you all for your comments! <3


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF