So... I guess that was that

Today I handed in my notice and said that my last day would be December 18th. The boss told me to leave on the spot. That he couldn't handle seeing me here anymore knowing that I was leaving. Something like, "I can't see you there... crying." Not exactly "I'd be crying" or "You would be crying." It was odd.

So that went pretty well considering what could've happened! There could've been yelling, it could've been almost two weeks of micro aggressions or retaliation. But no, I'm here at my fave cafe writing.

He said he'd pay me through the 18th (we'll see about that). My only hang up are the ladies I left behind and the clients that will never get help now. But it's not my circus. Not my monkeys. I gotta let it go.

In other news, I'm looking to start substitute teaching in the meantime and looking for something else that will work better for me. The hubs is supportive and glad we avoided a full relapse. Last week I went into work on Tuesday, promptly broke into tears, and had to leave for the day. The boss didn't see it, but I texted him that "I couldn't hang" and who knows what he assumed. I don't particularly care.

I am interested to see if he talks shit about me like he has the other people that have left. He really thought that I'd be happier once he sold payroll and the other workers were gone. I... that's not true. I never suggested that, I just didn't say anything when he said that he was thinking that it would be better.

Anyways. I'm looking more forward to holidays now, but still well aware that I have a winter to be skillful through and manage. I want this to be a positive break, a worthwhile gap in my employment history I suppose haha 

Side note: Thanksgiving went well, although both of my parents were struggling with injuries. My dad had a torn plantar tendon and my mom had something with a knee issue. She asked something I'm struggling to remember exactly, but can't recall the words she used. Something about what is it like seeing them struggling more to do stuff. Slowing down. I said something along the lines of that it was happening slowly, it doesn't seem dramatic, so it seems natural. 

I don't worry too much about them, except for what happens when they just can't be as active anymore. What happens when my dad can't do tennis? When mom can't do her cross stitch or take care of the grandkids how she wants? Those are what they love most. I don't know what their backup plans are. I hope they don't go stagnate like my in-laws. I hope the games continue and they stay sharp. I hope they still walk and take in scenery. 

The boys are good, although we are struggling to keep BB on track with school. The 504 meeting went well, but we didn't get the best vibes off one of the teachers. She seems... inflexible. Set in her ways. Old school. BB needs a little customization and she doesn't seem like she easily adjusts to strange kiddos -- which I say affectionately. There are different types and some are a puzzle, and BB is a puzzle. 

Hubs is looking for new gigs. He wants to move up and out. Not really management but more active and able to program his heart out. We shall see what happens! I am hopeful for him, but a little scared of change like usual. I want him to be happy, not change and be disappointed.

Farewell for now. All the best and hugs for everyone. 

November is here

November is here and I'm still a bit shaky from the work stress, but hanging in there. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and the holidays, but concerned about how I've handled the winter in the past. Last year was the first year in a very long time that went well for me. This year already looks like I could be in for some struggles.

My therapy appointment was blasé and not super helpful. I'm not sure if I want to pursue a different therapist or not right now. I wanted some hardcore therapy-tising sort of strategy meeting and it was a little too casual and chatty. It had been over a year since my last session and I think I expected something with more formality. We will see how the next few weeks go, I guess.

Today I was off. Especially when I got home from work. I didn't talk much, I skulked upstairs and stared. Just sat down on the floor by the bed and stared. Stared at a lot of different shapes and fabrics and patterns, whatever I could see. Hubs found me eventually and asked if I was safe type of thing, which I was. But I'm off. I'm still off. Couldn't manage to get myself together for CrossFit in time. I'm doing this and I just submitted a job application... so I guess I've done something worthwhile.

But I don't feel well. I feel... off.

Now I'll go feel off doing something else!

Wishing everyone a good November. Not sure if I'll post again this month considering my recent posting history!

Well shit.

I did it. I made a therapy appointment. I think I've been backsliding for some time with this new gig and it's gotten to where I can't amble on anymore without addressing it. I'm disappointed. I did so well last winter, but we're gearing up for a tough one this year now. I graduated therapy last summer. Well, I guess not for long. I hope it isn't awkward chit chat and I can feel like I'm actually doing something... it had devolved the last time around.

Work was so weird today. Perhaps it had to do with having an interview this morning. It was for an attendance assistant spot at a middle school. I didn't realize exactly how badly I wanted it until the interview was over. I realized that I wanted to be back in the parking lot again, not just driving off from an interview spot that I'll never visit ever again. 

Anyways, work. It's been drama. More than usual since the boss decided to sell the payroll part of the company and axe three people essentially. Well, he didn't really tell them until it was absolutely necessary. And then one of them quit... so the other one had a chance at replacing them (up until that point she was just going to be let go or so we assume, because, once again, he didn't tell anyone anything). It's a mess!

With all that it was a bummed out, giving up type of attitude with a twist of quirky "who gives a fuck anymore?" between the gals in the office. The other assistant and I danced and sang at certain parts of the day. We sent someone to fetch lunch when her sardines did not go over well. It was a good day, with a horrible backsplash of anxiety and dread and sadness related to losing our compatriots from payroll. 

That's a third of the office gone in a poof. The one payroll person that quit did so on Friday when I was outta town with the hubs and BB (it was the hubs's first marathon!) so I didn't get to say goodbye but I did help make his birthday card for today. What a sucky birthday week...

I'm all over the place it feels. Life is a bit of up in the air right now. Shucks. I wish I could focus a bit more, but I can't and my hands are cracking and bleeding again for some reason so I'm going to get some lotion and hit the hay. 

Hope everyone is enjoying the autumn or spring. I do love the fall :o)

September '25

 It's been a while. I'd say not much has happened, but I don't remember my last post and where I was and where I've been! 

I'm on a bit of a health journey lately trying to get rid of persistent nausea and doing pretty well with it. Hard to stay disciplined with all the changes, and lawd knows I'm not good at following specific diet recommendations! but I have been eating way smaller portions and it helps A LOT.

BB and I got to go to a Home Run Derby last night and he had WAY too much sugar. Great time though and it was nice having a mother/son excursion. He even got a balloon kitty and we watched a drone show.

Had a weird dream that Weird Al did my nails. Well, at least started to but then ran away from something on a three-wheeled motorcycle... yeah. I can't explain it.

Summer is coming to a close and while I'm glad I'm not teaching anymore, I'm still confused about my work situation. The job isn't too difficult in the technical sense but the social aspect is a burden. The schedule is great and I can help drop BB off in the morning and make early appointments etc. but the pay isn't great. I'm not sure exactly where to go from here either. Anyways, that's all in the air.

In other news, I'm trying to find my way on a writing project for my writers' group. I think I found a format I want to try and pursue, but working on an outline is proving challenging. I have always struggled with structure and story arc and laying out a path, my writing incongruous and mismatched. I'm trying a new thing and I wrote from my sister's perspective this month. Going to meet with the group today and see what they think!

Time for BB's enrichment program, so I've got to go. I'm thinking of y'all and wishing everyone a fabulous fall transition.

Hugs.

August?!

Wowza. Summer is over soon! BB starts 5th grade (yes, you read that right) on the 18th and we will be getting into a whole new routine again.

Last week was frustrating and confusing at work. Things went pretty well and I was feeling pretty good about things until the end of the week when my boss didn't give me the time I needed with him to get his to-do list even partially attacked. He spent time talking about were to hang his degree and license and shit and talking about the podcast he wanted to do... "my clients love me" doesn't seem like it's going to last if you don't ever take care of them.

Anyways, I did have an interview scheduled for this Tuesday but I cancelled it. I don't think a car dealership is the place for me, but my friend says that they always seem to friendly to each other there that she thought it might be a good place for me. Maybe she was right, but I decided that things aren't too bad at work and the flexibility to take time off whenever I need (outside of tax season) is just too valuable for us as a family.

That said, it's very dysfunctional. I've found myself concerned more and more for one of my work friends and her verbally abusive boss/husband. Yes, I live in fear for myself and how long I can stay on the good side of these volatile accountants --- but she is regularly abused and put down and insulted and it's horrible.

My other anchor is about to quit if she doesn't get a raise or get to charge more for her services. I don't think the accountants are going to spring for it. Today she did six returns for only $450 because the boss gave the family a discount... a discount from $175 a return to $75 a return. He whisked away $600 without consulting her. 

In other news, I've been trying hard to change my eating habits to try and battle the nausea I've been dealing with. It does seem connected to what I eat and when and how much. I'm down a few pounds because of it apparently (it didn't feel like I'd lost weight until I weighed myself and I was under 220 lbs for the first time in.. a long time). A GI diagnosed me with silent reflux months ago and the Nexium equivalent was working for a while, but then the nausea came back. I had tried to change my eating and got rid of a lot of things, but it wasn't enough. I was even scheduled for an endoscopy when the hubs found a different provider that can provide a second opinion and slightly different approach to the whole thing.

So I'm seeing a nurse practitioner that specializes in gastro and then a gut-brain specialist and a dietitian as well for a multi-faceted approach instead of the traditional GI route. We shall see. I'm hopeful. Getting labs done Monday.

It's been so frustrating. I can't even eat half a sandwich with chips like I used to for lunch (and that was a half of what I used to eat before that). Every meal is smaller, I have to snack now, and I'm drinking water all day at work to try and help as well. None of my favorite spicy foods or onions. It's just a bummer for what I'm seeing results-wise. It's so hard to feel better about it when the good sign is the absence of something. Like... I have to notice, "Oh, I'm not nauseous" to feel good about things and I miss that element and then just feel angsty for all the changes I'm making.

It's like living life in manual instead of automatic now. Which is mindful and good in many ways, but I'm feeling bitchy about it. We also think going down on my Vraylar may be contributing. Either that or work stress. I've been... well, bitchier is a good word. Just lashing out and sassy and angry, not like me. So I'm seeing my psych this month too to talk about that as well.

Whew. Long post. Hope everyone is doing well! Just keep swimming... :o)

Cruise Pics

Beginning of the plane ride to Pairs (before we went on to Athens)

BB sleeping on the floor at Charles de Gaulle airport. I got a pastry and espresso and read some Edith Wharton while on French soil... she's my fave and after her divorce settled in France instead of New York. Anyway. Hubs ended up running off plane and to grab BB's Nintendo Switch from the bench we were waiting at!

Pinky up for "Dutch tea" on the cruise ship.

Hagia Sophia mosque and my head scarf that gave the hubs the giggles.

Turkish street snack for BB at a lovely park we walked through.

We enjoyed hanging out in the Crow's Nest at the front of the ship and had many lattes and hot cocoas there. Also got hooked on Sorry! and played some chess.

Sea glass found on Mykonos beach.

Shavin' parts of eyebrows off (the left one)

Family pic at the site of the ancient Olympics

Outside Dubrovnik

Learning about silk production (was hilarious how BB reacted! "creepy" "freaky" and "can I touch???")

Mango was the flavor du jour this trip

BB with his stuffy for the trip in Venice

My last pic of the trip for whatever reason... Gotta crack those eggs haha

 

That Girl

Had dinner with a teacher-friend last night since the hubs and BB were outta town.

I enjoyed myself but also feel sad. 

I've never been able to keep up with this woman. She's a force. So smart and thoughtful, maybe lacking a little insight to herself, but a thinker and a doer. Once she gets going I don't have to say much, just a couple questions and "Mmmhmm" nods here and there... and that's what makes me sad. I don't contribute much outside an earnest ear. I don't know the news she does, the politics, and despite having an English degree and time on my hands, I've hardly ever read the same books or seen the same movies or have anything to say about them. It speaks to why I can't be a teacher, too. 

Lemme clarify... it connects because despite the feeling of lacking (intelligence, knowledge, motivation, and achievement) I don't change. I don't try harder to get connected and I don't read the books that I think sound interesting from her descriptions. I don't listen to more podcasts or try more movies that I've never seen or heard of. Just like I felt stunted as a teacher, I stay in my lane. And I'm comfy there, but I feel shame for sticking to it, too. I feel like an embarrassment to Hubster, who is a try-and-see-what-happens type and a hardworker that wants to grow as a person.

I'm complacent. Dependent on the hubs. And while I'm sad, I don't see anything changing anytime soon. I'm that girl.

We switched my meds up a little bit to see if it would help with my motivation and such. I felt a bit more optimistic and willing to try for those several weeks, but I think it was a trick of the mind. 

Perhaps this is complicated by frustrations at work as well, but I've felt bad about myself after hanging out with this friend and another friend that we do a writing club with for months. I'm the squeaky third wheel there and we know it, but a writing group of two just doesn't cut it, so I'm there. And I value it and enjoy it, but the pitfall with my self-confidence gnaws at me.

I know this is jumbled, but I trust my readers will understand. I thank you for being there and receiving this.

Now, I'll do some cat boxes... the boys are coming home in a couple hours with my nephew in tow for a week's visit in lieu of a summer camp. I'm apprehensive and I'm sure that doesn't help with the aforementioned feelings! This is my sister's oldest son. The one I've been so concerned for. And I've been warned he's been "sassy" lately, so we'll see what this week holds!

Side note: also had an interview that ended in a rejection and a job that I wanted to apply for that disappeared, so these sad feelings are getting more understandable for me... sigh. D'oh! 

Hugs!

Trip Success

More later, but just dropping a few pics to let everyone know that the vacay went well :o)

Ephesus, Venice, and a couple shots of Istanbul included.

 

Med Switch

My medication downshift has been going well so far. My sleep isn't too disrupted by reducing my Seroquel, although we do think that it may be contributing to some nausea. The pills are tiny, so my psych said to stagger until I'm off instead of a usual halving taper. I think it's causing some discomfort, but it's getting better. 

The lowering of my Vraylar seems to have been inconsequential really. I'm feeling a little boost in interest, not as passive when it comes to self-improvement and positive growth, but I can't be sure it's related. 

Psychiatric drugs are so tricky! 

My anxiety hasn't been out of control, but I'm dwelling on work stress a bit too much. Especially around bedtime. I spend a lot of semi-conscious time rehashing and predicting and it sucks. I'm not sure that this is a forever home, unfortunately. My boss is gone this week and it feels like such a relief. There's still drama to be had, but not as much. He's also a bit disgusting so it's nice not to feel so dirty. 

My writing group was moved from April to early May and now to late May. I started something, but don't want to continue with it so I need a new topic. A lot of people have been saying my workplace is a rich source of writing fodder, so maybe character profiles? I don't know. I'd also like to do some screenwriting again. 

I've ordered some books on minimalism, cleaning and organizing with ADHD (between Hubs and BB and me not being a Susie Homemaker it's kinda wild in here), as well as something about Hygge??? Swedish comfort living or something? It had great reviews and intrigued me. So that's my newest improvement mission about to take off. 

The Hubs and I are touring a private school for BB's middle schooling and high schooling. It's a religious school so I'm a little apprehensive, but the academic rigor looks awesome and they offer more than a pubic school in ways of concurrent enrollment. I'm not sure exactly what will work best for BB, but he needs a challenge and he might be motivated to graduate early or with college credits and I want to accommodate. Of course, if he dials it down that's fine too. But I want options.

Off to work! It's Wednesday, so they wear pink. Well, I guess "we" wear pink. I chose my pink jungle dress with jaguars on it and flowers. You can only imagine, right? Haha It's dress season just about here! I'm glad, but gotta be careful about long dresses catching under my office chair...

TTFN. Hugs. Hope. Happiness be upon you!

Allergies. Good Grief.

I've never had allergies like this. So much sneezing. I don't typically have spring allergies and I'm a little suspicious of some new perfume I got (but I really don't want that to be the case!). The Hubs has been sneezing and dripping a lot too.

An example of work drama for you...

This past Friday my boss was looking forward in the schedule and noticed that he had appointment scheduled around the first two weeks in July. Well, he's going to be overseas. His vacay hadn't been put on the communal calendar and appointments had been made. I immediately offered to reschedule everything and he put the vacation on the calendar. 

That wasn't it though. He swore that he had known about the trip since December/January and put it on the calendar a long time ago. Then he started talking about the last receptionist and issues there and postulated that the old receptionist deleted the vacation on purpose. 

I rescheduled most of the appointments and left messages for others to call back Monday to reschedule. Then another employee catches me and says she wants to strangle the boss because he planned a vacation at the end of a quarter and didn't bother to tell anyone. Another employee practically cackled when she perused the calendar and found out I had to reschedule people (an employee he happened to mentioned was working closely with the previous receptionist). 

The bad part for me is being between. The boss straight up said he needs someone "on his side" and "faithful to me" and I'm his assistant. But I'm also seeing unhealthy tendencies and desperate to stay neutral and maintain relationships with the other faction (the rest of the office) that is "against" the boss. 

So that's a taste. I'll try to paint pictures of this workplace for y'all. I have some buddies that are quite intrigued by the drama already!

Got my first pedicure in a LONG time today and felt like a slob. But I got it done despite the furry pants (thank you cats) and the semi-shaved legs and slightly hairy toes. Oh well! I like the salon and scheduled out for May near Mother's Day. I'll get another right before the cruise I think and try to keep up at least through the summer and sandal season. It was good self-care and BB did a great job waiting and entertaining himself with a comic book and LEGO axolotl. 

Anyways. Not a vital update I suppose, but I wanted to type!

In other news and probably another post itself, I'm tweaking some medication to try and bring a little more versatility to my emotional plane. I've been a little flat and maybe overmedicated, but we'll see. Gotta be careful. 

Cruise 2025 Comin' Up

Hubs, BB, and I are going on a big ole cruise in a bit. If anyone has any tips or "must sees" shoot me a comment! I've included the itinerary below.

I'm nervous. I haven't been abroad since 2009 (I don't count Canada and Mexico for whatever reason), but excited as well. We have liked our cruises so far and while we haven't been with this cruise line before, we are hoping to have another good experience. 

BB told us he wanted to go to Ancient Greece a while ago and we told him that we couldn't go right away, that it would take planning and saving. He was distraught. Draped himself over the Costco cart and refused to walk and moaned throughout the rest of the shopping trip. Even samples weren't enough to break the funk. Well, the hubs took his request to heart and made a Greece trip happen and then some!

We are a little concerned about how we'll be received in Europe as Americans in the Trump era, but excited nonetheless. I have never been to Europe, but am happy to be going with Hubs and BB. It's going to be quite an adventure.

My mom is coming down to catsit for us and then BB will fly up to WA state with grandma for some summertime fun. It's going to be quite a summer for him... sometimes I wonder if he'll ever know how privileged and blessed he is. I never could imagine these types of adventures when I was his age and he doesn't even seem phased! My main concern is I don't want him to be entitled. I don't need a big thank you card or anything, I'm just wanting to make sure he understands that this is special.

The spots we're stopping at:

Piraeus, Greece (Athens)

Istanbul, Turkey

Kusadasi, Turkey (Ephesus)

Mykonos, Greece

Souda, Greece (Chania)

Katakolon, Greece (Olympia)

Sarande, Albania

Dubrovnik, Croatia

Trieste, Italy (Venice)

Well, I guess it's time for supper makin'. And more coughing and blowing my nose. Hopefully those don't get mixed up.

:o)

Ah ha! It works now!

 I was trying to post a while ago, but got an error and then was deterred. But I'm here now.

It's been a bit of a ride lately.... I got the new job at the private business as an assistant and receptionist, which meant resigning at my other job which happened to be subject to the Trump mass layoffs. Wouldn't you know, the day after I left most of my department was cut??? The last few days at the office were so strange as the rumor mills ground away. I'm glad I got out when I did, but now I'm unsure if my situation is stable.

What I mean is that my new job has some drama attached to it. The job itself is great. I like being a receptionist and assisting. I've run to get food, I've fielded phone calls, done research, composed letters. It's all good. That said, the boss is a bit... emotional. There was a huge angry blow up a couple weeks ago and it makes me feel like I could be a victim at some point. So there's that. There is also the employees talking shit about my boss that I'm supposed to support and assist, which puts me in an odd spot. He feels victimized and the other employees don't feel appreciated. It's a hot mess. I knew there were some red flags when I interviewed and heard the way the people spoke about the boss, but I needed out of the other gig so badly... I don't regret everything, I'm just feeling unsure about the future. 

In other news, BB is having existential crises now. He was utterly distraught the other night and it turned out to be about not feeling like he deserves his LEGO and books and toys. He made a huge pile of some books (including some of his faves) that he felt he didn't deserve and wanted to give away. It was a tough run, but we talked it out a bit. Apparently part of it is feeling lonely too. We ended up talking about siblings a little bit. He wishes he had someone that he could share with but still keep the shared items close... it was awkward what he described but I got the gist. But he's an only. And that's what it is. 

The hubs looked up some info about adoption but I don't think that's right for us and I feel bad adopting just to give BB a sibling. It seems wrong. I know that a huge part of what it is, but I am happy with the three of us. I don't feel an urging to adopt like I felt an urging to have BB-if that makes sense. I'm not completely opposed and if the feelings change, they change. But right now, I'm happy with us as-is.

Crazy looking car crash this morning on the way to work. A Cybertruck up a hill and a dude in cuffs, and then a hug Ram truck smooshed from the nose to the cabin like I've never seen. I don't know how it got so smooshed! There were other vehicles involved too, but I couldn't gather all the details. I am always fascinated and befuddled at crashes and what happened and trying to put it all together after the fact. The dude in cuffs really intrigued me. What the hell happened at that intersection!? 

Writer's Block Edition 1,213

 Okay, I probably haven't had writer's block 1,213 times in my life, but it feels like it today. 

I have writing group with some teacher friends on Saturday morning (which is going to be a busy day) and this might be my last chance to get something written before then unless I stay up late some day. 

The past few months I've written "Convo Exercises" where I focus mostly on dialogue and it's focused around the conflict between my parents and my sister (and to a certain extent her husband as well). It's been interesting, I certainly like writing dialogue and my sister is a fount of inspiration as usual--except for today. Just can't figure out where to go with the next convo. Who would be included? Would it remain about that conflict or branch out? 

My teacher buds had ideas that maybe I could string together several conversations into a little novelette or something and cover more than just the conflict and all the different angles. That said, I'm still frozen.

In addition, I've realized more and more just how different the realms of skill are between me and the rest of the group. The other two are much more versed in technique and better read and more complex. Their feedback is helpful and specific and backed up... I'm so dull in comparison. I haven't torn myself up about it too much, but I feel increasingly like a squeaky third wheel with my purpose being mainly social. A writing duo is different from a writing trio. With three you can call yourself a group, ya know?

In better news, I have an interview today. I'm hopeful but nervous. It's for a receptionist/personal assistant position at an accounting office. I don't have direct receptionist/personal assistant experience but feel qualified and that I would be able to meet expectations quickly. I've had to hit the ground running with teaching and this current position, learning so many systems and regulations quickly... I just have to convince the hiring team of this. 

Overall I usually have a good time at interviews, so hopefully it'll at least be a good meet up. 

My mother is coming down for BB's birthday in a couple weeks. I'm excited and plan to take his birthday day off to spend with my mom and prep for a celebration. His party is that following Saturday. Ten years old, can you believe it??? He's a cool kid. I'm so glad for him. Sure, he's got challenges and we struggle sometimes, but overall he's a joy and a quirky little entertainment and well of love.

At night when I turn off his light, I  say, "I love you."

He says, "I love you more."

I start to close the door and say, "I love you most."

He tries to counter with, "I love you most times infinity!"

"That's not how it works!"

Haha :o)

Still Grinding Along

Still commuting a ton and worn out. I have been applying to other places but not enough and haven't heard back from anything recently. I've had two interviews total since I've started looking-so I'm a little hopeful!

I've been going from day-to-day really and it's been flying by. Some people say January is 346 years long, but it's been fast for me this year. I've been much better mentally than previous years, but the physical exhaustion from all the driving and running from place to place without a lot of rest is tough.

Still glad to not be teaching.

Speaking of rushing off to places-I've got to get to CrossFit!

Good vibes to all readers :o)