Boy howdy. The commutes are long but the weeks fly by (the weekends even faster).
My training is wrapping up and I should be on the phones and doing the actual job by the 16th. I haven't been applying to other places, but I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing commuting an hour each way for this much money. I haven't actually spoken to a live customer yet, but the general consensus is that this isn't a desirable job.
I'm still exploring that mediocrity complex... maybe a simple job like this will be for me? I'm still curious and optimistic with a sprinkling of cynicism. Teaching was too much of a stretch. I was upset that I could never feel accomplished. It was draining seeing the broken system and feeling powerless to combat it. It made me feel bad for not rising to the occasion, but then I started reflecting and wondering if that's just not me.
Maybe I'm not a superhero. Maybe that's okay. I have friends that have a different energy that teach and they have a certain feist about it. I've never been a climber; someone driven to climb the ranks and reach positions of authority and power. I want to work and bring home money and make some friends and leave it at that. Maybe that's okay.
Growing up there was always pressure and expectation to "do something" with my life. There seemed to be a path ahead of me to a career and independence. Now, I don't have that. I don't think I ever did. My schooling left much to be desired despite the appearance of achievement. More importantly, my drive to challenge myself and achieve more has always been subdued.
Ack. I know I've probably written about this before. I guess it feels like I won't know until I try out this gig. Hopefully I'll have some resolution then.
It's kinda scary that gossip has already begun and friendships have been forged at work after only a couple months of training. I have my friends and I have my avoids. There are whispers and confiding, stories being spread. I find myself participating and then worrying. It's so hard for me not to reciprocate when someone confides in me, ya know? But I don't want to have certain things I say haunting me. I've struggled with that for years. Not being a gossip, but having socially awkward moments replaying in my head for eons.
The management brought us into the fold with statements like, "We're a family and you don't always like your family but you shouldn't let that get in the way of work" and "Sometimes you won't like someone but you have to find a way to work with them regardless." WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS PLACE!? It's a red flag for me, but not enough to scare me off just yet. I'm wary though.
BB's doing pretty well. He had an essay he struggled with at school and we had to work on at home. I'm not sure we hit the mark, but he got the four paragraphs he said was required and I got him to write about a page and a half single spaced. I was satisfied. We're getting fewer emails from the teachers and since the parent-teacher conferences I feel more at ease. They get him, they're just communicative and trying to find the best path forward with him. I appreciate that.
Farewell for now. For my northern hemisphere friends, enjoy this fall transition! We're having hot afternoons but cool mornings and it's been nice to feel the change in the air. Holidays are coming and I'm excited!
