Japanese Gardens

Pics from one of the outpatient Wednesday outings:

Gingko was one of my fav trees

Can't see him, but there was a turtle making quite an effort
to combat the koi for nibbles!

Turtle island.

(A) Can't decide

(B) which daisy picture

(C) I like best!

For whatever reason I like this "up the nose" selfie

Lots of paths

Felt symbolic of choosing a new path

Loved this special spot by the the stream

Looking forward to making my own Wednesday outings with B.B. :)

Faster than a slug, slower than a bee

I haven't been posting lately and I'm not quite sure why. Probably in part because I've been busy doing self care and getting to bed and making it to outpatient-it's very helpful but pretty tiring. I also feel like I've been lacking inspiration. 

Sure, stuff comes up in group and I'm working on changing habits and patterns at home, but for some reason translating that into blogging has been tougher. I'm not sure if maybe my meds are kicking in and changing my status quo in unexpected ways or if I'm simply tired and something had to give. Either way, less posts have been posted or even attempted.

So. I'm doing pretty well. Less and less suicidal thoughts/flashes and self harming urges and I'm able to do more self care and take better care of myself. I'm still struggling with the eating enough and feeding myself when I'm hungry but overall I've been improving. 

I've been quite worried about my mood taking a sharp upswing last week and fearing the bottom dropping out. It hasn't happened and I've been able to maintain an even keel for a few days, but the worry is becoming worse and worse. My shoulders ache, my thoughts aren't quite blatantly running away but in a subconscious way I feel the hum of anxiety in my mind.

The babe has been crawling (full crawl, belly up style now) and cruising along the level change between our living room and dining area, more babbling and his grip has improved-so much growth. In the negative we've had some fall out from my mastitis meds. The antibiotics affected his gut flora and he started getting diarrhea-not full on but enough to get major diaper rash and cause discomfort. We've got him taking probiotics and we're coating him with Vaseline and A&D waiting for things to calm down. I've still got a few days left of antibiotics.

My supply seems to be coming up again, which is good, but I am worried about keeping the freezer stash up.

Tired. Gonna laze around a bit. Maybe a lovely hot beverage.... REST is on my menu.

Sluggin'

Today was my first day at outpatient. I cried more than I would've liked. My boob is still flushed and infected and painful and plugged. I used to pump 5-6 1/2 oz outta Righty and now I'm struggling to get 3 oz.

At outpatient we went to the botanical gardens on the "Wednesday Outing" today and I was so weak and tired I only made it to the first rock garden. I hadn't been able to pump and eat my lunch during the allotted time so I plunked down in the shade and ate my lunch and watched a svelte slug chug up the side of a rock face. I felt defeated, hopeless, weary. I wasn't interested in trying anymore. I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, after doing a compress on Righty, talking with my uncle on the phone, taking a hot bath with a luscious shea bath bomb, talking to Mom on the phone and finding out she and Dad can help out with childcare (it was actually a very good phone call where I felt like I had the stage and got to share my feelings and BONUS we get reinforcements!) and then icing Righty and checking in with my blogosphere... now I'm feeling a little hope. Not quite a light at the end of the tunnel but maybe a flickering, half-obscured, murky glow. Seems to take a lot more to squeeze out a bit of hope than it used to, maybe that's just how bad today was.

Three steps back, half-a-step forward.

Back at it tomorrow, doin' the sluggo shuffle.

I DO NOT LIKE MARASCHINO CHERRIES

***WHINE ALERT***

Today. Oy. I'm exhausted, I'm in pain and I am not looking forward to getting up early tomorrow to haul my ass down to Bellevue for outpatient (yep, I'm in, had my intake marathon appointment today).

So those aches I thought were my anxiety hangover yesterday? They only got worse. Last night was awful, tossing and turning with my heating pad on all night fighting chills and aches. This morning and all day I've had some of the worst headaches of my life.

I thought flu. Great. How am I supposed to do outpatient with the flu?

Then I noticed my boob was horribly tender.

Aha! Mastitis!

It's sucks butt. I have never felt my body so achy so fast, even worse than the swine flu. And to boot I have a huge new bottle of pills to take 4x a day for 10 days that may or may not give me or the babe diarrhea. Whoopee! Just what I need to spice up life, right? Pills pills pills. At least I should feel better. I'm just so wore out with all this "get better" stuff on top of "get better" stuff, need more "just be" and "I'm actually good right now."

Yeah. I was sure a happy camper at urgent care.

The hubs called the new pills "Star Treky" due to the
cool turquoise color.

Not the sort of "cherry on top" that I needed to my hard times. Not at all...

Not quite sure how I'll manage to get to outpatient by 8:30 AM and pump often enough to keep the mastitis duct from plugging and take all my pills and eat enough and get better enough to be on my own in a couple weeks... but I have to stop thinking of all that and just do it. One foot in front of the other, baby steps.

Here goes. *pouty face*