Checkin' In

Had my third ECT treatment so far this morning and with the way things are looking-I should be out of here Wednesday.

It's been, well, what you would expect: good and bad.

It's stressful making the adjustment to being "on the unit" and it's going to be stressful adjusting to "the outside" again. I've seen others come and go. I've gotten used to the nurses-especially those that I remember from years ago. At first I was a little ashamed to see them again after all these years (as if I should've "had everything figured out" or something) and now I'm just glad that they're here. It seems like they're used to a little bit of turnaround and they probably don't remember me as clearly as I remember them.

Either way-I'm very grateful for them.

I made a few new friends while I was here and I'll be able to keep in touch on Facebook etc. There was another (newer) mother here that I had particular fun with and I think we will be trying to hook up IRL once things settle down for each of us.

Right now, I'm looking forward to time with the hubs and BB. Baking in my kitchen. Seeing the outside of a building. Drinking some decent fuckin' coffee (for serious, c'mon people, folks be dying in here and ya give them this shit coffee?). *excuse my language plz*

So. I'm glad I checked in for another visit. It hasn't been and won't be easy, although I think everything has helped get me headed down the right path again.

I'm pretty nervous about making the transition with mental habits to get in a healthier spot again as well as transitioning back to daily life with the gym and such. I won't be driving for a bit while we finish up ECT (I've got three treatments this week and then we'll see about doing 3 again next week or going down to 2 and so on).

Not sure when I'll be able to get back to the gym, although it's looking like even next week is going to be a bit of a strain. Going on week three now that I've been away? No... yeah. This is week three. I was gone a week when my sister-in-law came to stay with BB and I, last week while I was in hospital, and now I'm entering into the third week. Jeesh. Could be a month out of the gym... Oh well.

Priorities.

One day a time.


Thank you everyone <3

Back on the Inside

Friday I had another plan with a set date. The hubs was onto me and I confessed in a note, so he skipped out on work and took me to the ER up in Seattle where they do my ECT treatments now.

We clocked in at 1:25 and I got into my room almost exactly 9 hours later.

T I R E D

So far so good. Found some nice folks and like the staff. Got some great tomato soup here.

Hoping to get onto the ECT schedule for Monday and we shall see.

I think we're gonna be trying a "new" medication to try and help with my sleeping.

We aren't allowed to have laptops or cellphones on the unit so I will be sparse for the next week at least (as if I haven't been sparse for MONTHS now!).

Thank you all for your support. I hope-truly-to see those days when I'm well enough to catch up with all of your blogs and stories too.

Be well.

Throwbacks

While I was rooting around the closet and packing up some of my crafting supplies I happened across these art projects from my time in the hospital.

The fish I made as a gift to the hubster:

A therapeutic watercolor with lots of words integrated into the pictures:

And a cute hart:

I'm sure I did more projects while "on the inside" and maybe someday I'll come across them... these were a surprise even!

Come a long way since then... :o)

L is for Learning #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

L is for learning, or learnin' as I sometimes say, as in book learning (knowledge gathered from books or study as opposed to experience) because not only do I truly enjoy learning I am very grateful for learning new things as a piece of my recovery. 

While I was inpatient we would have a variety of learning experiences during therapy that involved articles, workbooks, worksheets, and educational films. I am currently in a DBT class (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and seeing a DBT therapist to learn new coping mechanisms and make positive lifestyle changes, and boy, is that workbook hefty! There are also various articles that I read online and research into my diagnoses that I do mostly online that are a more freeflowing, unpredictable but essential part of my learning in recovery that I also consider book learnin'. 

I gain a lot of knowledge through experience, but I find book learnin' to be more enjoyable and rewarding. The hubster seems to be a bit different. He would gain a lot of knowledge and rewarding feelings from say, falling down the side of a mountain whereas I would just be upset! I think it shows how there are different types of people in the world. Some people prefer book learnin' to experience, some people prefer experience, and some people prefer not to learn at all (a la #Trump and his supporters). 

Learning is one of those complicated things that can be quite pleasurable or quite unpleasant. One of those big ticket items in life that can be considered what life is all about like love, family, experience; learning is unending and sometimes convoluted, other times delightfully simple:

live to learn; learn to live.

For someone like me, who has considered taking her own life on multiple occasions, learning to live is no joke. While I'll probably be working on this lesson for the rest of my life, learning to live well can be as satisfying as it is challenging. Some of it comes natural, but there are a lot of ways I've had to learn to take care of myself and I'm really glad I have books and resources to help me!

And seriously, if we didn't learn anything ever we wouldn't last very long, would we?!

Take care and be well :o)

K is for Kismet #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

K is for kismet because I am grateful for a few things that have fallen into place in seemingly perfect alignment for me (I know that seems like an odd statement when you look at the challenges I've faced lately but I'll explain in a moment). 

Before I go any further, I must specify what I mean by the word kismet, since I use it in my day-to-day language in my own particular way that may be a less common usage.

A dictionary definition might be, "a power believed to control what happens in the future; fate; your lot in life; destiny." My personal definition is quite similar but I don't really believe in fate or destiny or some type of god or force guiding everything along. I believe in things just falling into place as they happen to based on the confluence of many combined factors that are usually beyond my comprehension. When I say kismet I'm referring to dumb luck, not an orchestrated event. It sounds spiritual, feels spiritual, but when I say it it's coming from an atheist's mouth with a different kind of faith behind it than the usual type. I hope that makes sense for folks, it's kinda confusing even for me!

Moving on...

So what has fallen into place so well for me as I face a variety of scary diagnoses and fight for my life and struggle to contribute to a happy, healthy life for my family? 

First off, my husband. He's such a calm and unflappable type suited to being the partner of an emotionally unstable type like me-it's amazing how we found each other and have been so happy together despite my health challenges. 

Second, my son. Sure he cries like any kiddo does but he is generally a calm, happy child that is very happy and sociable and joyous and that is such a blessing. We didn't know that severe postpartum depression would crash down on me after three months of mothering, but it sure tore me apart and having a child like Baby Bananaface helped make the struggle a little less of a nightmare.

Third, my care providers. Being a part of the Swedish system and finding such a wonderful inpatient facility with such wonderful nurses and staff was so helpful and is reassuring as I know that if I ever find myself in that type of crisis again, I have a safe and welcoming place to go. My doctors and therapists are also wonderful finds and have been a huge part of the progress I've made towards wellness and I'm so grateful that I happen to have come into their care. Even as I think back over the years to a few specific providers (not quite all I've encountered over the past decade or so) I was quite lucky to have happened into their care and they have positively impacted my life in very specific, very wonderful ways. Did you know part of the reason I love birds so much is due to my first ever therapist? It's part of why they encourage and calm me so much!

Fourth, my blogging circle. I don't know how they all found me, but some very wonderful people have embraced me in the blogosphere and it is a delightful chance happening that I am so grateful for! I think it was Birdie who first commented on my blog and showed me that she read regularly (it blew my socks off, I hardly knew what to do!) and then more ladies showed up (mind blown). The fact that I found caring, considerate, creative bloggers that share about their own challenges in life and try to maintain positive points of views as they work through things... that's quite the lucky break, I say. I love you all. Thank you!

Kismet is a weird word to some a complicated concept, but for my English major/symbolism minded mind it sure helps me frame my world and make sense of life and find things to be grateful for. Sure, not everything "kismet" is positive (I happen to have been saddled with some shitty challenging mental health issues) but even then, recognizing that things fall into place in a way that is usually beyond our control-helps the rough stuff go down a little smoother.

Whatever your kismet is, happy trails and good luck ;o) Be well!

I is for Intimacy #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

I is for intimacy because intimacy, for me, is a vital part of a life worth living and an essential part of my recovery and maintained wellness.

Intimacy is defined in a variety of ways but for my purposes I'm referring to the  definitions that include: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group; the quality of being comfortable, warm, or familiar; an act of expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection or the like; an amorously familiar act; sex.

What in my life fits that bill? Well, sex is pretty obvious. It is what it is (and thankfully the hubbo and I aren't having problems in that department! we have enough challenges methinks!). Those other types of intimacy take some translating, some scouting, some sussing out on occasion to really appreciate and recognize.

Take for instance the simple act of eye contact shared with my husband during an emotional, upsetting moment this weekend when I was crying and out of sorts; his hand on my thigh as we are driving down the freeway; playing catch with my sister and listening to her birth story and sharing my insights (I'm a trained birth doula); even bringing someone a cup of water without a request having been made are all examples of intimacy. 

Playing cards can be an intimate act that is validating and distracting and soothing. Hiking or going for a walk and sweating my ass butt off and getting all grody with someone is intimate (to me) as is sharing how I'm really feeling or shedding tears in front of someone and having them acknowledge my feelings or tears. 

Of course, many of my favorite intimate moments are shared with my husband (that's a big part of why he's the hubster, after all) and many of those are private and not meant to be shared BUT I will share this story with you...

It was late, say 10:30 or 11:00 at night, Baby Bananaface had been asleep for a couple hours and the hubs and I had watched our couple episodes of "Burn Notice" and hopped into bed only to realize that I hadn't taken my evening medication (big no-no for someone with BPD). With my particular medicine I need to eat about 300 calories when I take it to make sure that it absorbs properly. Well, I haven't been particularly interested in food so getting me to eat is a bit of challenge; especially after I've brushed my teeth and already been snuggled into bed ready to sleep!

As I'm consuming random bits of food after taking my pill I see the hubbo suddenly lurching around kicking as high as he can into the air followed by stifled groaning and "shaking it off" and rubbing and flexing his inner thigh/hip. I asked what he was doing and he said he was trying to do a "kick like Michael does in the show."

Next thing you know, I'm attempting a roundhouse kick and nearly launching my hubby into the pantry as I make *surprising* contact with his chest as I whirl around. He lost his balance, I wobbled around like a rhino on two legs and we ended up clonking heads, tickling each other, giggling and squealing as quietly as we could as we regained our composure. 

I had teased him just before my stunt about "obviously didn't learn how to do a roundhouse kick when you were younger" and he asked, after his attack, "Where did you learn to do a roundhouse kick?! Were you a Girl Scout?" 

I laughed heartily and replied, "A) No. I was not a Girl Scout. B) Do they even teach roundhouse kicks in Girl Scouts?" 

Guess we have a conversation starter next time we go in for some Thin Mints....

Anybody have a favorite "intimacy" story they'd like to share? A moment with a total stranger or a moment with a close loved one?

#5

This one is in the back of my hand. Lovely! The hubs says we should name it "something painful, something Russian, maybe Ivan."

I'm still having a hard time gauging my feelings but I'm chalking it up to ECT and hoping that things will become clearer in the next few sessions.

I was chatting with some of the other patients and it's a little crazy imagining being back home soon and maybe never seeing them again. It's sad. I know we don't necessarily have much in common other than being in this psych ward at the same time but it seems important to know each other, we support each other, it's something special. I appreciate them.

That said, there is one gal that creeps me the heck out. As far as I can gather she's here for streaking and is in some legal trouble. She kept asking me my name and when I got here.... definitely a little off. Always seems like there is one chick here that bugs me to some degree, minimum. I guess that's just Murphy's Law or something?

How am I feeling?

I'm having a difficult time gauging my feelings... I'm looking forward to going home but I'm also nervous about making a successful transition. I think I am feeling better but I still feel like my brain is indecisive, confused, jumbled with anxiety and depression. I have a hard time letting that be, not freaking out about my state of being, not feeling like a failure or dysfunctional.

There are a few people here that I have swapped contact information with and hope to see sometime in the future. Making friends is so confusing and nerve-wracking for me. Guess we'll just see what happens, I can't get too caught up in it or I'll be paralyzed.

Been thinking about my aunt and feeling sad that she's gone. I didn't want to see her sick, I didn't want to have that memory stuck in my brain but part of me is sad that I didn't get to spend more time with her. I haven't decided if I'm going to go to the memorial or not. I would be going on my own and I wouldn't be able to drive because of ECT.... BB couldn't come because of the smoking in the house, not that I want to be exposed either hmmm. I'm not sure. I think I will but I guess we'll see.

In other news my sister has broken up with her baby daddy as it seems he was scoping out other chicks on the internet. She's moving back in with my parents. I must admit that I felt a sort of sick pride in my prediction being proven right, well, not quite a prediction but thinking that it was a 50/50 shot that my sister would end up moving back in with my folks and the baby.

Not exactly the best news for my folks! I'm sure seeing your grandkids is nice to a certain extent but losing sleep and being wrangled into babysitting right and left, questionable.

#4

Got my fourth catheter-yippee! Named him Boris. Not counting the one the gal stuck me with and didn't land.... Really looking forward to not having needles stuck in my arm and getting to sleep in my own bed again... Miss my boys, dog included, doc says I might go home Tuesday. I sure hope so.

Another Poke

Got another catheter today and it's freakin' obnoxious, achy and uncomfortable. I named it Fritz.

In other news, I'm feeling kinda blah. I want to go home but I don't quite feel up to that yet. I go to groups and participate in a minimal fashion but I don't feel as interested or involved as I have before.

Don't feel like the ECT is doing anything yet, the doc says we're probably gonna have to give it til the end of the week at least. Ugh. Looking forward to extra sleepy time tomorrow but not the pain.

Blah blah blah.

New Day, New Gauge

I've named this pink beauty Heinrich. I was really close to getting stuck in my hand but I've heard that sucks so I whined a bit and the IV nurse admitted that I did have another vein in my arm after all.

Today was a rough day for me. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was suicidal and really negative. Got to brekkie close to two hours late after my nurse rustled me outta bed. Despite my low mood and high anxiety I stayed in the common area for the football game (we lost) and worked on a puzzle.

This afternoon the hubs came by. Was nice just being the two of us for a bit, having the baby with my folks. Later my mom and friend S came by. I hadn't seen S in a long time, I was so glad she reached out and came to visit.

My mood is still low. I'm not looking forward to having this catheter in my arm and doing treatments and waiting around and having headaches and throat aches and missing meals but there isn't much choice. The hubs said the nurse says that the low mood is a good sign, that we have to go through the dark to get to the light sort of thing.

I could do without.

Ugh.

Here and....

Queer. That's a good word for it. I don't feel sick/crazy and yet part of me, somehow I know that I'm sick/crazy. It's a queer feeling. A powerless feeling yet threatening, like if the dark side gets to powerful suddenly I'll be a suicidal raptor no one can catch.

Even that paragraph was flippin' queer as hell---and they ain't even changed my drugs or nuthin.

So that's a taste of where I'm at.

Talked with the doctor today and there is a newer drug option or the ECT option or the TMS option.

Talked with the hubs and BB (well, ya know, he crawled all over the conversation) and we decided this time ECT is where we need to go with treatment.

It's a bit scary. The procedure, a little bit, but the possibility of success and the pressure of having a life to live is scary too. I am in a place where I've given up, I'm all out not all in, the possibility of taking back responsibility for a broken life when I've been prepared to hand it over like an expired credit card...

Lots of confused feelings.

Funny food note (cuz that's what I do when I'm in a hospital) I ordered angel food cake with raspberry sauce and got a teensy container of raspberry sauce. I guess I circled the sauce part but not the cake? It was pretty funny seeing the conspicuous space for the cake part on my tray. I think someone was feeling crabby down in food services! No cake for Hannah!

Jello tomorrow. Orange. :)



Thanks for reading as I figure this out.

I feel like a huge fat loser....

I'm back on the inside. Same hospital as last summer and I believe the same room my friend and fellow blogger had (odd and funny).

Thursday night my mood dipped and by Sunday I had a plan, notes, date, method and was researching for a shopping list. It was bad. The hubs caught on since I got super calm and happy all of a sudden and after we talked I emailed the psychiatrist and therapist.

Instead of driving to therapy I walked the hour walk. Turns out it worked out to not have an extra car because my therapist is mandated to report when she feels someone is a threat to themselves or others and she had the hubs pick me up and take me to the ER.

Treatment plan up in the air, meet with doc tomorrow and want to talk with my psychiatrist too. I have heard ECT which is scary. I don't feel like it's that bad but everyone around me seems to think so.

I think my brain is in kill mode and I can't fully process everything. Right now I think my family would be better off without me and it just seems obvious! (as I suppose the hubs and my docs and my friends would say it's obvious that that's wrong!)

So. Here we go again.

I'm sorry if I disappointed anyone.

Ordered enchiladas for tomorrow but no jello yet.

A Little Big Update

What's up with the meds?
So I was running high on lithium (thus the tremors and maybe a little of why my mild state of hypothermia on the mountain was a bit more kukoo than I expected) and now I'm back down to 900 mg at bedtime. The Seroquel wasn't working and I was already backing that down but my depression was so severe last week and the last couple days that my psychiatrist is ramping up that dialing down=I take 100 mg for two more nights and then no more Seroquel. Instead I have started taking Risperidone 1 mg and will for those next two nights and then up it to 2 mg at bedtime. I'm also taking Klonapin in the morning for anxiety. I'm not sure if it does anything....

Symptoms?
I'm having those "danger is everywhere" thoughts, feeling a little paranoid and irrational. It's pretty unlikely that our downstairs neighbor (been writing passive aggressive notes to us) is going to blow up her apartment in an attempt to kill us or sneak in and turn on our stove top to try and burn us down but that's where my mind goes lately. I'm having body aches and tiredness beyond tiredness, lack of appetite but nomming junk food and chocolate when nothing else sounds good (hell, the chocolate doesn't even sound good!), I have some angry outbursts still, been struggling to cope with the baby for very long, oversleeping, and still obsessive about my sister and my mother and not feeling like I'm moving on. Self-harmed on Monday, scratched my right forearm with my left nails. I should be disappointed in myself, but I just don't care.

Side Effects?
Still waiting for tremors to go away. Wiggly worm legs and arms after evening meds is back.

Motherhood?
Nursing during the day and sometimes in the evening but he bit me several times last week and this weekend and that had made me angry and not willing to breastfeed (along with my very poor mood). It's been better lately but I have a therapist telling me to wean and a psychiatrist asking if I am still breastfeeding so I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to make it. Part of me is heartbroken and disappointed, but for the most part I just don't care about much anymore.

Wifedom?
Ugh. The hubs and I have little moments or normality but lately there has been more lapses in communication and resentment building. I feel like he doesn't help me do certain things around the house but he's busy with work and taking care of me and the kid and the dog and other things, but I can't feel appreciative, I just feel frustrated and angry. He's not a saint, don't get me wrong, but my reactions are amplified for whatever reason and unreasonable... Part of me is concerned, but, again, for the most part I just don't care. I just don't want him to bother me. I just want to be alone. No kid. No husband. The dog is okay. Usually.


Overall?
Still not good. Not good at all. Today I got up at 8:30 am and made it through breakfast but ended up back in bed for 45 minutes before I could actually start my day. The hubs worked from home Monday, Tuesday, and today. This is not sustainable. I'm not functional. This isn't fun. And at the same time... fuck it. I just don't give a rip. I'm miserable, I'm sad, and I don't give a fuck.

So, not good.

I think I'm safe, but I did self-harm Monday and have had suicidal flashes. Psychiatrist wanted me back in the hospital and I said no it would "just set me up for another fall, I don't have support (IRL) when I get out and I just slide back down." She also recommended something called TMS which I haven't had much time to look into. So, I slog on.

Now, I shall draggeth myself to the gym.

Farewells, A Letter

A slightly different Monday Missive today...

I sit here in my corner room. The room that I was shocked and scared to find myself in a little over a week ago. Tonight the room isn't a bare-walled holding pen with locked cabinets but my room. The scuffs on the wall, the sticky patches on the floor are familiar. The sounds of my slippers wresting from the adhesive effect and clapping back down on the linoleum my own personal theme song. The simple room calms and comforts me. I am safe here now.

My name on the whiteboard seemed so securely emblazoned and yet I know it will be easily whisked away from its compatriots. I feel tears of joy and sadness welling up as I think of leaving my friends behind. I am so grateful for their companionship, their insight, their understanding and support. I wish that I could ease their pains, accelerate their journey, somehow make my graduation our graduation so that we may all leave together. 

But our paths part here and while I am sad to go I am hopeful for all of us. I have seen such beautiful things among all our darkest feelings and most tragic memories. We have shared such tender moments, reaching out to help each other despite our own immense burdens. That is something remarkable. Not every unit will experience such grace or kindness on any given day, let alone for as many days as we have shared and I commend those special souls for contributing to such a marvelous healing atmosphere.

Somehow we have created a magical equation where immense sadness plus more sadness equals hope. Part of that has been the wonderful relationship and supportive peer community we have forged and another large part is the amazing staff here at 2 East. All the hard work they have poured into this program and all the care they take in coaxing wellness back into our lives is as sneakily effective as it is beautiful. This culture of caring is not universal and it is not a fluke. Well done. I never thought that having my vitals taken would become therapeutic!

I leave with a lighter heart, a good dose of fear, and a rekindled sense of hope but I also leave with tears in my eyes and a deep, deep gratitude for all those that have helped me on my path to recovery. From fleeting smiles to life affirming and life altering conversations, I have experienced a level of respect, care, and consideration that I had never conceived of before. 

To my special friends and the staff of 2 East, thank you. Thank you and best of luck. I must give myself credit for hanging in with the program and letting the magic happen but I also appreciate the special effect that such a wonderful group of people added to this experience. Not every unit can do what we did here. I may have been able to recover at some other unit with some other people, but I know that I would not have felt as good as quickly if it had not been for all of you.

Keep on fighting the good fight.

Be well,

Hannah 

My Last Full Day

Today is my last full day here on the unit.

I feel so many things... Sadness, fear, joy, gratitude, acceptance, nervousness and more.

And then on top of all those feelings are feelings from my parents' visit. I am so grateful for the empathy exercises we did with one of the night nurses the last few nights, it really helped me see how scared and uncertain my parents were. They are trying their best and I sometimes neglect to appreciate that. I do wish that I could feel as supported as they seem to want to be, if that makes sense. There is just a bit of a gap, like a language barrier, something lost in the translation...

After their visit this afternoon I felt a lot of pressure fall upon me. I flashed back to school and trying to maintain straight As as if my life depended on it (which I did) and avoiding emotional outbursts to stay in good favor, not rock the boat, people please etc. (which I managed most of the time).

It didn't feel good to be in that head space again. I want to feel like I am enough just as I am. I don't want mounds of pressure put onto my well being, to risk every future relapse feeling like utter failure on top of all the shitty feelings that come with an episode to begin with! I don't want to live in fear of my human element, the inevitable mistakes, the dependable ups and downs that come with life at unpredictable intervals... I want acceptance. Encouragement. Calm support. A net to catch me not a net gun with threatening implications.

I will have to work at cultivating that environment, and thankfully the hubs was pretty awesome in mediating our visit and trying to keep that pressure element at bay. He say my mom "boot camping" me as we call it and slowed her roll a bit!

In other news, I can feel the anxiety in the unit about multiple discharges coming in the next couple of days. For the most part everyone stays chipper but everything seems a little more molasses-y and less "go get 'em." There are a lot of good people here and I'm very happy that we happened to be here at the same time.

I painted another peep-inspired painting today. One lady inspired the swan and a dude inspired my take on "Ferdinand the Bull." I'm hesitant to give it to him, I'm not sure how he'll take it, I mean not every guy would be happy to have this painting... but there you have it! I'm nervous about giving any gifts really, heh.

Painted a "Thank You" and I don't like it
but the hubs says it's fine. Hmpf. Should've
let well enough alone!

Maybe more later... Right now it's dinner time. And time to stop thinking and just be and just do. *deep breath*

:)

Saturday Night at the Movies

Watching "Little Miss Sunshine" with some of the unit peeps and reflecting on our evening group about empathy and remembering my last post and how judgmental I was. It felt good to be annoyed and let off some steam and now I feel calmer and more accepting. I acknowledge that everyone is different. Different life journeys and different strengths and weaknesses and fears and burdens.

We had a real awesome group doing nonviolent communication exercises and I felt....  lit up.

I feel the strength returning to my heart and soul, the strength that lets my best character traits flourish, the strength to hold a safe space for others and get in touch with my power of my intuition and insight... I feel ME returning. It is nice. So nice. I feel grateful, excited and maybe a bit hypomanic but encouraged even while a bit cautious.

Had a good visit with my boys and I'm using the movie as a distraction technique to head off some anxiety regarding tomorrow's family visit while my meds kick in.

Little by little I'm uncovering my self from this depressive episode, like brushing sand away at an archaeological dig, before ya know it I may be revealed.

Wow. I sound so hypomanic! Way flowery and optimistic but I'll take it.

This is part of me too.

And I am okay with that.

PS really savoring the sound of rain on the skylight tonight, watching the rain slash across my window until the view was obscured....  Love my rain. Love my fall storms.

2nd Saturday "on the inside"

It has been a slow, sleepy day here on the unit. It was overcast yesterday and while it is brighter today there are large clouds hustling across the blue sky and winds picking leaves off the trees.

This morning the day nurses neglected to turn on the overhead lights in the common area until nearly 8:30 AM and despite the sky light's glow, it was simply too easy to sleep in. I think everyone outside our rooms was walking and talking more quietly with those lights off, it set the day off in a sleepy fashion.

Even now at three in the afternoon we are all rather reserved. I know you would think that would be the natural state of a unit full of depressed folks but for most days there is a bit of forced energy. Today we are all laid back.


I am feeling much better than when I arrived here last week. My baseline mood is higher, I feel hope, my anxiety isn't making me sick and tense all day long, I haven't been suicidal or wanting to self harm or hurt my baby. So much has changed for me in what feels like a very short period. I was skeptical at first that being here would be able to have much impact but I have been proven wrong.

There are some here that aren't so lucky. Weeks have gone by and they are still extremely depressed or anxious or angry. I can understand. I feel bad for them but I am also hopeful, I see their little glimmers of hope even when they do not. They are trying and it is so noble.

There are others that I do not think will truly get better for quite some time. The drugs may help, they may have remissions but I see dark futures for them. They aren't able to accept their situation, acknowledge their feelings, absorb the lessons to be taught here. I feel sad for them, annoyed at their stubbornness and their sort of arrogance. They act as if they don't belong here and through that denial I feel rebuffed.

I try to not take it personally, accept that we each have our own journeys and focus on my recovery, because I have flopped around like a fish out of water long enough and I'm ready for change even if those other people are not.


There are many things that I have been introduced to here that I plan on exploring and utilizing throughout my life. Nonviolent communication, DBT, radical acceptance, relaxation techniques, and more. I recognize that I have a ways to go in establishing a healthier lifestyle that helps me maintain better mental health but I am also so grateful and proud of myself for being where I am at this stage of my life. There are many people here that are much older than I am but are not able to delve into their issues that same way. My insight and sensitivity have caused a lot of pain in my life but they are also my tools to recovery and relief and I am coming to terms more with that now. Nothing is ever all bad-or good for that matter.

I'm sure there is more to be said and updates to be shared but this feels like the right post for me at this moment. I will close with another piece of artwork that I completed today. I quite enjoy it but I feel compelled to give it to one of my unit peeps, a lovely woman and mother that has inspired me during my stay. I hope that she will enjoy it and I hope my readers will as well. I am very glad to have positive memories to take with me as I prepare to leave 2 East. So grateful.

A Wonderful Visit, A Good Day

So often I use my "Family" tag to categorize something troublesome but today I get to add something positive....

For today's visit my hubs and Baby Bananaface brought along my mother-in-law and for the first time in a long time (since I've been feeling low) I was able to really connect with her and we shared some wonderful moments. She was so supportive. Actively supportive in a way that was strange and fabulous to me. Asking me about my meds and how things are going and the food I'm eating and what I'm doing and actually listening. She said that she thinks I'm doing a great thing and even sweet nothings like "things are gonna get better" and putting an arm around me... just so wonderful.

Even without those gems it was a good visit. I got to nurse B.B. and he even fell asleep in my arms for the first time all week. It felt so nice to be reassured that I can still mother him like I used to and I wasn't overwhelmed as I have been in previous visits. I also felt connected to hubs, synced up again, even a little flame. We kissed and hugged more than we have all week. It's funny how those pathways shut down in times of stress almost without noticing...

Today was good as far as groups and socializing around the unit as well. There are a couple of people here that are very... guarded? deluded? emotionally ignorant? divorced from their feelings? They approach everything in a very controlling, almost aggressive way instead of trying to understand, accept, and accommodate their feelings. It is very frustrating for me but I understand that they are on their own journeys.

I enjoyed groups and while some of the time I was light-headed from anxiety or meds I felt better overall. I did have some chest tightness come up during a video on acceptance and I think I really need to put in some hard work toward accepting my sister's pregnancy. She is just about 7 months in after all. Jeesh. I can't believe I am still refusing to accept that... Anyways.

I've really been fascinated with the groups presented on nonviolent communication and am very interested in delving further into that topic. I think it would be very useful for me and my little family to help facilitate the changes we want to make happen for ourselves.

I achieved all the goals I set for myself except working on a schedule for when I return home. So I may putter around some ideas on that before bed tonight... But overall, a good day.

Oh, and I started a swan painting. We shall see how it turns out. I am thinking of giving it to a unit peep but undecided. I think I will know to whom it belongs once I finish it.

Note: I must see the movie "Inside Out."

Subnote: Journeys is a weird ass word as far as spelling. Can't even count how many times I've typed "journies." Pfffft.

A week "on the inside"

Today marks a week since I came to "2 East."

Yesterday was a pretty good day for me but I got pretty tuckered out and wasn't able to fit in blogging. That said, I do think it is worth noting that I felt connected to my hubs and the baby, even if just a little bit, and it felt good. I am actually starting to feel little whisps of hope blowing into my mind now, like little spiderwebs on the wind. I hope they stick.

Today I am still tense and a little weepy but feeling hopeful. Trying to get some good work done to prepare for my transition back home but at the same time not over-doing it and sending myself into a spiral. I'm hoping to get a paper prescription for a breast pump today and I'm hoping to start working on a schedule for when I get back home... and patio time. Need to get outside :)

Upped my meds to 200 mg last night. That is our goal dose and should be staying at that for a couple days to make sure I'm stable on it. I was feeling pretty "up" even though I was exhausted last night, my thoughts racing and I found myself focusing on my belly bulge and losing weight. Apparently being preoccupied with health is a common warning sign of an oncoming episode-good to know! Thankfully the manic feeling gave way to sleepiness and I wasn't up half the night plotting.

Being here has helped me realize that the hubs and I have fallen into some bad patterns regarding my illness. Enabling bad eating and normalizing crisis behavior, not communicating openly both ways-the hubs is usually stoic and in manager mode and I miss hearing his experience or his feelings. It makes me feel really bad about myself and it took another unit peep sharing her story to make me realize that that could affect my recovery.

I'm having a hard time focusing, so here are some pics and I'll post more later if I can sort out my thoughts.

6 MONTHS! He rocked his peds appt. In the 90s on all percentiles again (99 for weight, of course! 23 lbs)

My first "anger artwork" lots of sadness too

OH! I did decide to invite my parents up for a visit. Since I am in Seattle at the moment my invitation gave deference to traffic patterns and also took into consideration the family group that takes place on Sundays. After the fact I realized that Sunday is also my father's birthday and I felt terrible for forgetting but the hubs called my parents again for me and clarified that they didn't have plans and that it was okay to visit me.... I feel bad but also don't want to feel too bad. I matter. Ya know? So hopefully both the grandparents can come, we can celebrate Baby Bananaface's birthday and my dad's and they can go to the family group and maybe that will help facilitate some communication about the future and my disease and creating a better support network for me....

Okay. Now I will sign off for a bit and get to business :)