December!!?

Time is flying. 

Thanksgiving went really well and it was a bummer seeing my folks leave knowing that I won't get to see family for Christmas. With this job I don't just get two weeks off in December and I can't go to visit anyone That said, I'm doing better mentally since leaving teaching and I'm making plans with friends so I won't be completely isolated while BB and the hubs go back to WA to visit family. They'll be home Christmas Eve, but I'll be solo for a bit before then.

Work has been tiring. Talking to folks and troubleshooting constantly is draining but the drive is the worst part. The hubster hates how much time is wasted with the commute and how it limits our family time and time for housework and stuff. We definitely fall behind every week.

If I go to work for some place like Costco my schedule could include weekends and nights or holidays and that isn't ideal either, despite being much closer to home. I'm trying to find office gigs with regular hours and applying. It's slow going. I'm so tired and there isn't a lot of time during the week and then the weekend is full of catch-up and decompressing. 

On another note, I haven't opened my Christmas playlist once yet! I usually start around Thanksgiving listening almost exclusively to Christmas music and haven't. I'm in good spirits but haven't even thought of it until yesterday. Not sure what it means besides being busy.

My mind is fried and I'm blanking. I will share a little moment: I had a tie and tie tack for the hubs as a Christmas gift but he has a dinner with his men's group today and wanted to wear a tie... I hinted that I could help with that and so I told him he could open some gifts early if he really wanted. He wobbled but then opened it and loved them! I'm not a great gifted to him and it felt so good to see him so happy. The tie is a more modern color than the ones he has and sports blueprints of the Apollo missions dashboard. 

Wishing everyone wonderful holidays and healthy winters (for those in that season). I know it's a challenging time sometimes, but I hope it goes well for everyone. Hopefully I'll remember to post again soon! We shall see!

Really Almost Thanksgiving

 My folks decided to come down early and surprise me with an extra weekend of visiting time! The hubs and BB kept the secret and I was very happy. I was concerned about getting in all the activities we want to get done with only one weekend to accomplish the list. Now we have more time.

We love hosting Thanksgiving and I've been really grateful to have my folks come down the last few years and one of my sister-in-laws is going to be coming down too (same as last year). My parents really like her and how she ribs Hubster a bit-so they're excited too.

We got family photos done for Christmas cards today and I think they turned out pretty well for a rapid fire shoot. BB had some ideas of his own for poses. HA! Shocker! Not.

Work is going fine but I'm quite tired from the driving. I applied to a couple positions closer to home and had an interview on Thursday. We shall see... It wouldn't be an easy job I think but it would be WAY closer to home. A five minute commute might be worth it though.

This Christmas I won't be able to travel and I'll be home alone for a bit while the boy go up to Washington state. I think it'll be fine though. Just gotta remember to feed the cats and I'll be busy with a rowing challenge at the gym. Will be quiet though!

Hope everyone that celebrates Thanksgiving this Thursday has a wonderful holiday and if you don't-just have a wonderful day. 

Almost Thanksgiving

Ya know, I had a post titled "Almost Halloween" and never got around to writing it! So, here's "Almost Thanksgiving."

Work has been going well, although that commute is wearing me down. I need to start applying to places closer to home and in the meantime, I'll stick it out. A lot of folks still complaining at work. Some having bad calls that end in tears. I've been fine so far. Teaching was much worse for me and I'm glad to leave this at the office and live for the now.

My folks are coming down for Thanksgiving and we're all excited. I took Black Friday off because my mom and I like to go out early (even if we have nothing to shop for) and get breakfast and then shop some more. Black Friday isn't really Black Friday anymore, but we enjoy it all the same. They are driving down with their cats, so we'll have four cats in the house while they visit. Our cats better brace themselves!

Menu is the same as always. Our Thanksgiving includes: da bird, gravy, sausage and sage dressing, mashed potatoes, mashed yams, green bean casserole, rolls, cranberry sauce. We usually have pecan and pumpkin pies (or my dark chocolate bourbon pecan pie). That said, the hubs wants to shake something up. He has said he wants to bake a cake from scratch (which he's never done) and make a cream cheese cranberry frosting (which neither of us have ever done). Well, he was saying that. Now he's starting to bake away. So we'll see what happens. 

BB is doing well at school despite some flunked math tests. I think he starts overthinking and gets mixed up, because these tests are not above him according to his other work, past endeavors, and his enrichment program. Luckily, this ain't the big leagues. He's going to be fine I think. 

We recently did a little redo on his room and now he has more Pokemon stuff and fewer books (we really needed to donate some). He's still very much into Pokemon and video games and is always spouting off random factoids, interesting stories, and things he imagines. 

We're reading a book together and really enjoying it. I read it in 5th grade, it's the first in Tamora Pierce's Alanna series. Only catch is this book talks about her getting her period and we're not quite there yet with BB. Might have to happen to be reading that chapter and skim over some information! He's supposed to learn all about that stuff next year and I'm sure the hubster and I will be supplementing the Utah state standard "maturation" schpiel with our own material. We'll see how he takes it. I was NOT thrilled and kinda traumatized by discovering this whole secret side to life that had been kept from me. Right up there with learning the truth about Santa!

Anyhow. My knuckles are cracking from the wintry air and I am in dire need of lotion... I'll leave this here and hopefully check in next weekend. Hoping everyone is well! 

Time Flies

Boy howdy. The commutes are long but the weeks fly by (the weekends even faster). 

My training is wrapping up and I should be on the phones and doing the actual job by the 16th. I haven't been applying to other places, but I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing commuting an hour each way for this much money. I haven't actually spoken to a live customer yet, but the general consensus is that this isn't a desirable job. 

I'm still exploring that mediocrity complex... maybe a simple job like this will be for me? I'm still curious and optimistic with a sprinkling of cynicism. Teaching was too much of a stretch. I was upset that I could never feel accomplished. It was draining seeing the broken system and feeling powerless to combat it. It made me feel bad for not rising to the occasion, but then I started reflecting and wondering if that's just not me.

Maybe I'm not a superhero. Maybe that's okay. I have friends that have a different energy that teach and they have a certain feist about it. I've never been a climber; someone driven to climb the ranks and reach positions of authority and power. I want to work and bring home money and make some friends and leave it at that. Maybe that's okay. 

Growing up there was always pressure and expectation to "do something" with my life. There seemed to be a path ahead of me to a career and independence. Now, I don't have that. I don't think I ever did. My schooling left much to be desired despite the appearance of achievement. More importantly, my drive to challenge myself and achieve more has always been subdued. 

Ack. I know I've probably written about this before. I guess it feels like I won't know until I try out this gig. Hopefully I'll have some resolution then.

It's kinda scary that gossip has already begun and friendships have been forged at work after only a couple months of training. I have my friends and I have my avoids. There are whispers and confiding, stories being spread. I find myself participating and then worrying. It's so hard for me not to reciprocate when someone confides in me, ya know? But I don't want to have certain things I say haunting me. I've struggled with that for years. Not being a gossip, but having socially awkward moments replaying in my head for eons. 

The management brought us into the fold with statements like, "We're a family and you don't always like your family but you shouldn't let that get in the way of work" and "Sometimes you won't like someone but you have to find a way to work with them regardless." WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS PLACE!? It's a red flag for me, but not enough to scare me off just yet. I'm wary though.

BB's doing pretty well. He had an essay he struggled with at school and we had to work on at home. I'm not sure we hit the mark, but he got the four paragraphs he said was required and I got him to write about a page and a half single spaced. I was satisfied. We're getting fewer emails from the teachers and since the parent-teacher conferences I feel more at ease. They get him, they're just communicative and trying to find the best path forward with him. I appreciate that.

Farewell for now. For my northern hemisphere friends, enjoy this fall transition! We're having hot afternoons but cool mornings and it's been nice to feel the change in the air. Holidays are coming and I'm excited! 

Oh yeah, writing

Boy. It's been go-go-go and then crash-crash-crash. Not like bottom out, but sleep a lot and not do much type of thing. The hubs and I have been having busy weeks and then unproductive weekends. The house is messy and we are behind on laundry for sure!

In other news, we've been getting a lot of emails from BB's teachers. He has two this year in preparation for middle school type scheduling in a couple of years. So far he says he likes these teachers, but we are getting the impression from them that things aren't going so well.

This week it was about him telling another student "I hate you" and then making "distracting noises" when that student looked at him. Last week it was a meltdown after some doodles were taken away I think. Week before that we had another issue with missing work. I'm expecting a weekly (at least) email now and that's sad to me.

I appreciate communicative teachers, sure. I just wonder how they're coping with Nels because last year and year before we didn't get so many emails. Is he doing worse? Were those teachers more dismissive and just less communicative? I'm not sure. We have conferences next week, so I'll see what vibe I get and what the homeroom teacher says about it all. 

Work has been going pretty well, but the 70 minute drive there and 85 minute drive back is tough. The morning most of all. We're going to be closer in October, by about 15 minutes, when our location changes.  I'll be getting on the phones with actual customers then and trying to utilize the MASSIVE amounts of information that they have been shoving into our brains for the last several weeks. It's a tough situation because I might not use all of that knowledge regularly, but they have to try and prepare us for anything so we have some clue how to react.

One positive bit from the commute is my freeway anxiety is very low (I get anxious about getting on the freeway when I don't do it frequently) AND I've been enjoying some podcasts for the first time. I've never really listened to any and now I enjoy Here to Help, Handsome, and The Golden Girls Deep Dive podcasts. I might branch out even more once I've run out of new episodes. We shall see.

I'm tired. I have writing group next weekend and nothing written. Not even an idea! I must get something done this weekend or risk being empty handed on the 28th. Right now though, I am going to clean up my cross stitching, shower up, and hit the hay.

It's taken me forever to get around to writing here, but I think of you all! Well wishes. :o)

Of course there's something going on...

This has been sitting my drafts for a few weeks. I'm just going to post it!

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Of course there's something going on with my family and, of course, it involves my sister. Unfortunately, it also involves her kids.

Lately my sister has taken to withholding the grandchildren from my parents. Why? Because they don't approve of the verbal abuse heaped upon the kids-mainly the oldest (the one from the college fling) while the younger of the boys doesn't seem to be degraded and disciplined as harshly (this one from the marriage with a different father). There is also another young one, a little girl less than 2, but she does not seem to be afflicted yet.

*NOTE* my parents don't use the term verbal abuse when talking about this, I do. 

My parents stood by for years and let my sister parent as she would and choose a husband that was verbally abusive to my oldest nephew from before they were married-when this child was only 2 or 3. He is known for taking him away and yelling fiercely into his face with insults and reprimands usually resulting in tears and flinches. 

He is NOT always the worst-in fact, he's a great guy when he's not overcome by his anger issues and emulating his father's parenting style. It is so sad how he criticizes his family for how he was raised, but doesn't seem to see the same mistakes repeating themselves in his parenting choices.

Well, a few months back things came to a head with my parents and my sister and her husband. My sister and her husband are known for FaceTimes and phone calls to my parents where they scream and complain-my mother handles it quite well and calmly I've been told (my brother witnessed one of the calls). She's born the brunt of the rage while my father only recently became directly involved after saying something in defense of my mother to my sister/brother-in-law. Now they're both in the ring.

It's sickening. I don't see children as currency and I don't see how it makes sense to withhold the kids from people that want them to be treated better. My sister takes the feedback quite personally (I can understand) and cannot stand to see the parents when the conflict escalates. Her husband is also quite torn up and I believe they both seek approval from my parents (which I believe makes everything worse but makes sense to me as well-I think if they didn't have seeds of doubt and seek approval they wouldn't be so bowled over my criticism). 

I don't know how it will resolve. My mother predicts that the oldest nephew will choose to live with his biological father at some point. He already tried to run away a couple years ago, but they got my mother on the phone with him to talk him down. I don't see the kids very often, though I've witnessed the issues at hand, but my mom is seeing changes-negative changes-in their behavior and psychological wellbeing. 

My sister has yet to ask my opinion. She's only ever asked if I've been told by our parents that that my "parenting is bad." I was honest, that I've received some feedback about not being involved enough, but I take it as feedback and I can see some truth in it even, but that's it. I think she knows that I don't approve of her parenting choices and I don't think she wants our parents' observations to be corroborated. 

Her defenses have included a statement like, "[husband] had it so much worse," which to me is an admission of guilt. She's told my parents that they're raising leaders and are strict with their kids, but there is a line there that we believe has been crossed. Strict doesn't have to be denigrating and abusive. Strict doesn't have to be yelling and insults.

It makes me sad. Emotional abuse doesn't leave visible marks and our society just doesn't have a way to intervene right now. I know what goes around will come around, but it's not about them getting their comeuppance-it's about those kids' futures.

All the while, and I know this might be selfish, I'm so glad to be these hundreds of miles away. It's hard enough to remain neutral and support my sister and my mother as best I can (my mom has emphasized many times she wants me to be there for my sister while she can't). 

Work

So tired. So, so tired. 

The training is taking place about 70 minutes away and I have to leave by 5:30 am each day to ensure I'm not late so I wake up at 5:00 am to be there before the 7:00 am start time. It's supposed to wrap up September 30th and we move back to the main location a town or two more south.

You may know already, I struggle to fall asleep in a timely manner. Thursday night I was so tired I laid down at 8:00 pm to try and be asleep by 9:00 pm but that didn't happen and Friday I was nodding off and sitting with my eyes closed most of the day. I hate to be that person, but coming from so far away is tough.

There are people that travel even farther distances than I do-we were told that the position was telework after training but have been since told that it might take up to six months after certification to earn that privilege and that they actually prefer newbies to be in-office for the first year. Turns out it was a little bait-and-switch, just like the training being only 45 minutes away initially...

That said, I'm enjoying the people and being there and having something to do and bringing in some money. Haven't quite been paid yet, but it's definitely a motivator. They haven't scared me off even though I feel like I can't trust anything they say and that most of the time I'm getting different answers from different people. I guess working as a teacher has my expectations calibrated a little lower than usual. 

I don't have any other prospects at the moment, so I want to keep going. It sure does suck up the gas and time though. I am wondering if my tendency to people please is driving my desire to continue as well as the money and moderate interest in the work itself. I'm sure it's a combination. 

I've made some friends and one that seems special. We share lunch most days and have started bonding I think. Makes it easier when I have compatriots in the same boat.

Been listening to the Handsome podcast and thoroughly enjoying myself. Laughing out loud while driving does make me a little self-conscious (I wonder what others' might think). It's a little raunchy at times, but three comedians swapping bits and jabs and stories is apparently just what I need on a longish commute.

The hubs is skeptical. When they moved the training twentyish minutes north he was miffed. The commute does affect our family's schedule and puts a lot of pressure on the hubster to keep things up on the front alone. That said, when/if I get to work from home it would be a benefit. 

Just trudging along and waiting and seeing at this point... 

Baby Bananaface Update

Well, he ain't no baby no more! We're talking about a 9 year old, folks. He's got his own sass and style and already hates homework and wants a job so he can "do something useful" and make money. We have him in an accelerated learning program in school and he's doing enrichment work outside of school to stay on top of math and reading skills. He's a whiz, but he doesn't always feel that way. He loves LEGO, Pokémon, and goofy TV shows. 

He's also got some struggles and we're trying to learn more about how he's wired, so he's going to have an assessment for autism and anxiety in September. He's already been diagnosed with ADHD and has meds and accommodations at school for that. I've heard from some that "we're all atypical somehow" and that diagnoses don't matter, but for us it seems like it might help better understand and assist BB in learning life skills. 

We realize that he's a borderline case. Perhaps subclinical. That said, autism keeps coming up in conversations around BB. Whether it was work friends, caregivers, near-strangers, family, or just the hubs and myself-it keeps on coming up. So we're addressing it. Hell, maybe it's anxiety or just ADHD being more extreme than we think, but we hope to find out for sure. 

The meltdowns and gut issues, some issues with social cues and struggles with transitions are some of the red flags for us. Some of those can also be related to ADHD, including his hyperfocus (good and bad sometimes). 

So. That's where we're at. Just considering another diagnosis for BB has made me even more patient and helped me be more understanding. It's tough to stick to routines (it made up a huge chunk of my extended visit to WA state this year), but it's worth it. I'm reading about autism and learning already. I think it's helped me parent BB better regardless of what the doc says.

Side note/separate update: BB is having the time of his life with our two cats. I'm so glad we brought them into the family and enjoy them myself, but they are the hubs's and BB's cats for sure. The black and white bonded to Hubster from the get-go, and the silver is BB's soul mate.

Identity and Working

I've been wondering about myself a lot lately and I'm a little sick of it all. I feel like so much of my life is trying to figure out who I am and what I'm going to do while I'm here and trying to answer "Why?" for so many different things. 

Lately, it's been an identity crisis of sorts. Identity is something I struggle with and have for many years-sheesh, I suppose I could say decades now. Quitting teaching means that I have relinquished a big label in my life. "Teacher" is a pretty heavy mantle and while I always felt like an imposter, it was easy to wear that identity through life. 

I tried hard and did well in school. I followed rules and took compliments with buckets of skepticism, but even while I always doubted myself it seemed like I was supposed to be on the right track to being something special. Somehow that "special" focused on a career and making money and producing something of use. 

This idea of being special was a huge part of my adolescence and fought with my heart a lot. I remember giving up art classes in about 4th grade because "You can't make money doing art" and I figured it was a pointless, selfish, and indulgent thing to pursue despite my natural talent and enjoyment.  Somehow, that didn't quite happen with writing despite a similar thought process. 

I ended up with a English degree... well, that wasn't the plan at first (because, what useful, special thing can you do with an English degree?) as I wanted to pursue science. Cue my first chemistry class and a radical realization that my high school career did NOT prepare me for the major I had in mind. So, what was I good at? English. New major-there ya go. It was heartbreaking, but a couple of years in the English department was nourishing and fun.

It didn't help me nurture a career or define a future.

This might sound denigrating, and I know it isn't true of me all the time-I have done some difficult things over the years, but I don't think I'm one for scaling mountains in the career field. I'm tenacious in certain ways, but climbing the ladder and challenging myself to excel at something I might not be naturally gifted with-it doesn't appeal to me. Hell, I haven't truly challenged myself with writing very much. I simply do what I can, when I can and leave it at that. It feels lazy. It feels shameful. 

As I look at my life, the mediocrity of what could be defined as traditional achievements is clear. I wasn't truly an exceptional student-I actually missed out on a lot of high school education because I decided to do concurrent enrollment and get my associate's degree at the same time as my high school diploma, watering down my well of knowledge significantly. I didn't attend the hardest classes and I didn't strive to learn the challenging subjects... I got a 3.98 GPA by playing it safe whether or not it was intended that way.

I ended up wandering through life as a bank teller until I met my husband and had our child. Career never happened and when I tried teaching it didn't fit. So what if I'm not the career type? Maybe I'm just a worker bee. I have to see. I have to try. I have to accept that that is acceptable and that "special" isn't my only option. 

Right now, I'm focused on the expectations the idea of "special" comes with. I think I need to abandon them. I've had mean thoughts about myself, that I'm lazy and complacent. But what if that is simply true and not an insult? What if I'm content? What if I'm easy to please? Maybe I don't have to want the world and wage great battles. The world needs it hobbits too, right? I might be capable of great things, but reading a book and baking a cake instead might be fine as well.

My husband has a 1950s streak in him, as I call it. He's a hard worker and he believes in working your ass off and climbing the ladder to where you want to be. He isn't a fairytale type, he's a real world, "It is what it is, suck it up and get to it" type. He isn't about glory and glamor. Maybe having "just a job" and not being "special" is fine-I just have to get used to that.

I can be driven and hardworking. I can succeed with certain things. I can be passionate or pragmatic. And while I'm obviously not content right now with everything, I think for the most part... I am that content, easy to please, simple person. I'm not a shark. I don't have to be. I don't think I'm a guppy necessarily, but whatever I am, it isn't exactly what I feel I was expected to be and I have to cope with that now.

So, I'm going to try something new to try and help support my family in this new job. It might not be a career or a nifty identity, but I can try to make things work and help support us. 

Well, Hello There Old Friend

Another big life transition. Another bout of insecurity. Another chance to grow. And maybe another chance to get back into blogging ;o)

I gave up teaching and said goodbye to my compatriots at the high school I taught at from 2020-2024 back in May. I made it to the end of the school year after going back to part-time partway through the last quarter. Part of me wonders if I could've held on longer staying part-time, but I'm not sure that's what I really wanted. I quit because of my mental health and even when I was part-time I struggled to be alright. 

It wasn't just the stress and angst of teaching, it was feeling like I wasn't doing right by it all. Imposter syndrome plagued me the entire time I think, but I also felt like I wasn't applying myself. Somehow I cared too much and too little all at once. It sucked at my soul.

I've stayed in touch with my closest teacher friends, but as the school year creeps near I wonder what it'll be like as that classroom and those people become less and less colorful in my mind. I'm starting a new gig soon and it's not something I'm terribly excited or proud of, but it's NOT teaching and I'm glad for that.

Will I be able to cope better with this job? Will I be able to find satisfaction in my work and feel like I contribute? Can I handle a commute longer than 7-1/2 minutes?! Ack! I don't know and I just have to try.

The whole transition away from teaching has stirred up big questions for me. Last November through March I did a bootcamp and earned a certificate in UX design. Now, I've lost momentum pursuing that field. It's competitive. It's a field where you have to stay hip to the jive, and let's face it, I'm a person that actually says "hip to the jive" and remains consistently behind the times. I'm just not sure it fits me as a person. I don't mind being something of a luddite and tech dunce. Give me a physical book any day and I will take notes for you with a pen and paper all day long. It appealed to my creative side and my helpful nature and I loved learning all about the process, but I am not convinced I can succeed there and be healthy there.

So where do I belong? I want to thrive and not feel like I'm barely surviving (a la the teaching life) and I'm wondering about my limitations and expectations. It feels like a re-evaluation is in order... of myself and what I want from this life.

It's a tall order... and possibly another post entirely.