Birthday Incoming & General Update

BB is turning 11 -  E L E V E N ! - this week. It blows my mind. Not just to think how long I've had this blog, but how long it's been since he was born. It doesn't feel like a decade ago. I love the person he is so much. He's sensitive and sweet, smart and insightful but innocent still. He loves reading and art and Minecraft (of course) and LEGO (fun!). 

There are hard things too. He had a breakdown yesterday and has had them before where he gets overwhelmed and can barely speak and cannot enunciate what's wrong. It's difficult, but familiar in a way that I can relate to. His ADHD definitely complicates things sometimes and makes school a lot more challenging. His conference last night was a little sad talking about how hard it is for him to complete his work and turn it in (but his test scores are awesome). The teacher hopes that next year's introduction of letter grades and percentages will help him lock it in and improve those executive functioning skills. After all, you can talk about the future and how things will change and what will need to happen until you're blue in the face and it won't do much until the change is at your doorstop and begins to happen. 

We are having a birthday party at a local fun center where they have games, inflatables, a rink and more. They serve pizza and ice cream to the kids and take care of just about everything, but it still stresses me out trying to keep track of the kiddos for the pizza and for the cake and for the present opening and when their parents come to pick them up... that said, I think it's better for everyone compared to a home birthday. BB went to a party there years ago and it was all over - he has never wanted anything else for his birthday since haha. I'm glad he's happy.

My birthday was two weeks ago and went super well. We had friends (my goddaughter's family) come into town for President's Day weekend and we had some fun adventures and good times. The cake I bought I believe I could've made just as well, so that was a little disappointing, but now I know and it was fun to try a new bakery item out at a local stop. I felt special and grateful. It was a good birthday, and 37 doesn't feel too bad yet.

Three weeks ago I hosted a Galentine's Day party and two people stood us up without any notice or apology. That leaves a little stank on the whole thing, but the party itself was lovely. Everyone really like the bag charm kit and we had fun catching up. These were friends that I met through my last job and while it was a little... bleh talking about my boss and the old job, it was nice to catch up and have some girly social time. 

In other news, I've been doing pretty well since leaving that job I think. I really like being able to help out more around the house, run BB around more, and my stress levels are way down. I do feel a bit bad about not subbing more and bringing in funds. We're not in a tight spot yet, as far as I know, but I have been looking for a steady job as well. I think I'm going to be pretty picky though. I'm already feeling scarred from this last gig, I don't think having another flame out would be good for me.

I've been reading about religions and trying to reorient my own spirituality as we look into a private religious school for BB and the hubster explores on his spiritual journey as well. I'm still in a transitory phase, but at least I'm feeling more.. curious and less desperate. I'm in a transition and I've got to meander through and wait for the journey to unravel. 

Weather in Utah has been warm generally, but we've had some rain lately. Thankfully. Unfortunately the snow has been non-existent to pathetic and sad. The early blooming bulbs are out blooming in the front yard and the tulips and other bulbs are coming up too. It's wild!

Sending good vibes out to y'all.

Ah ha! It works now!

 I was trying to post a while ago, but got an error and then was deterred. But I'm here now.

It's been a bit of a ride lately.... I got the new job at the private business as an assistant and receptionist, which meant resigning at my other job which happened to be subject to the Trump mass layoffs. Wouldn't you know, the day after I left most of my department was cut??? The last few days at the office were so strange as the rumor mills ground away. I'm glad I got out when I did, but now I'm unsure if my situation is stable.

What I mean is that my new job has some drama attached to it. The job itself is great. I like being a receptionist and assisting. I've run to get food, I've fielded phone calls, done research, composed letters. It's all good. That said, the boss is a bit... emotional. There was a huge angry blow up a couple weeks ago and it makes me feel like I could be a victim at some point. So there's that. There is also the employees talking shit about my boss that I'm supposed to support and assist, which puts me in an odd spot. He feels victimized and the other employees don't feel appreciated. It's a hot mess. I knew there were some red flags when I interviewed and heard the way the people spoke about the boss, but I needed out of the other gig so badly... I don't regret everything, I'm just feeling unsure about the future. 

In other news, BB is having existential crises now. He was utterly distraught the other night and it turned out to be about not feeling like he deserves his LEGO and books and toys. He made a huge pile of some books (including some of his faves) that he felt he didn't deserve and wanted to give away. It was a tough run, but we talked it out a bit. Apparently part of it is feeling lonely too. We ended up talking about siblings a little bit. He wishes he had someone that he could share with but still keep the shared items close... it was awkward what he described but I got the gist. But he's an only. And that's what it is. 

The hubs looked up some info about adoption but I don't think that's right for us and I feel bad adopting just to give BB a sibling. It seems wrong. I know that a huge part of what it is, but I am happy with the three of us. I don't feel an urging to adopt like I felt an urging to have BB-if that makes sense. I'm not completely opposed and if the feelings change, they change. But right now, I'm happy with us as-is.

Crazy looking car crash this morning on the way to work. A Cybertruck up a hill and a dude in cuffs, and then a hug Ram truck smooshed from the nose to the cabin like I've never seen. I don't know how it got so smooshed! There were other vehicles involved too, but I couldn't gather all the details. I am always fascinated and befuddled at crashes and what happened and trying to put it all together after the fact. The dude in cuffs really intrigued me. What the hell happened at that intersection!? 

Writer's Block Edition 1,213

 Okay, I probably haven't had writer's block 1,213 times in my life, but it feels like it today. 

I have writing group with some teacher friends on Saturday morning (which is going to be a busy day) and this might be my last chance to get something written before then unless I stay up late some day. 

The past few months I've written "Convo Exercises" where I focus mostly on dialogue and it's focused around the conflict between my parents and my sister (and to a certain extent her husband as well). It's been interesting, I certainly like writing dialogue and my sister is a fount of inspiration as usual--except for today. Just can't figure out where to go with the next convo. Who would be included? Would it remain about that conflict or branch out? 

My teacher buds had ideas that maybe I could string together several conversations into a little novelette or something and cover more than just the conflict and all the different angles. That said, I'm still frozen.

In addition, I've realized more and more just how different the realms of skill are between me and the rest of the group. The other two are much more versed in technique and better read and more complex. Their feedback is helpful and specific and backed up... I'm so dull in comparison. I haven't torn myself up about it too much, but I feel increasingly like a squeaky third wheel with my purpose being mainly social. A writing duo is different from a writing trio. With three you can call yourself a group, ya know?

In better news, I have an interview today. I'm hopeful but nervous. It's for a receptionist/personal assistant position at an accounting office. I don't have direct receptionist/personal assistant experience but feel qualified and that I would be able to meet expectations quickly. I've had to hit the ground running with teaching and this current position, learning so many systems and regulations quickly... I just have to convince the hiring team of this. 

Overall I usually have a good time at interviews, so hopefully it'll at least be a good meet up. 

My mother is coming down for BB's birthday in a couple weeks. I'm excited and plan to take his birthday day off to spend with my mom and prep for a celebration. His party is that following Saturday. Ten years old, can you believe it??? He's a cool kid. I'm so glad for him. Sure, he's got challenges and we struggle sometimes, but overall he's a joy and a quirky little entertainment and well of love.

At night when I turn off his light, I  say, "I love you."

He says, "I love you more."

I start to close the door and say, "I love you most."

He tries to counter with, "I love you most times infinity!"

"That's not how it works!"

Haha :o)

Really Almost Thanksgiving

 My folks decided to come down early and surprise me with an extra weekend of visiting time! The hubs and BB kept the secret and I was very happy. I was concerned about getting in all the activities we want to get done with only one weekend to accomplish the list. Now we have more time.

We love hosting Thanksgiving and I've been really grateful to have my folks come down the last few years and one of my sister-in-laws is going to be coming down too (same as last year). My parents really like her and how she ribs Hubster a bit-so they're excited too.

We got family photos done for Christmas cards today and I think they turned out pretty well for a rapid fire shoot. BB had some ideas of his own for poses. HA! Shocker! Not.

Work is going fine but I'm quite tired from the driving. I applied to a couple positions closer to home and had an interview on Thursday. We shall see... It wouldn't be an easy job I think but it would be WAY closer to home. A five minute commute might be worth it though.

This Christmas I won't be able to travel and I'll be home alone for a bit while the boy go up to Washington state. I think it'll be fine though. Just gotta remember to feed the cats and I'll be busy with a rowing challenge at the gym. Will be quiet though!

Hope everyone that celebrates Thanksgiving this Thursday has a wonderful holiday and if you don't-just have a wonderful day. 

Time Flies

Boy howdy. The commutes are long but the weeks fly by (the weekends even faster). 

My training is wrapping up and I should be on the phones and doing the actual job by the 16th. I haven't been applying to other places, but I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing commuting an hour each way for this much money. I haven't actually spoken to a live customer yet, but the general consensus is that this isn't a desirable job. 

I'm still exploring that mediocrity complex... maybe a simple job like this will be for me? I'm still curious and optimistic with a sprinkling of cynicism. Teaching was too much of a stretch. I was upset that I could never feel accomplished. It was draining seeing the broken system and feeling powerless to combat it. It made me feel bad for not rising to the occasion, but then I started reflecting and wondering if that's just not me.

Maybe I'm not a superhero. Maybe that's okay. I have friends that have a different energy that teach and they have a certain feist about it. I've never been a climber; someone driven to climb the ranks and reach positions of authority and power. I want to work and bring home money and make some friends and leave it at that. Maybe that's okay. 

Growing up there was always pressure and expectation to "do something" with my life. There seemed to be a path ahead of me to a career and independence. Now, I don't have that. I don't think I ever did. My schooling left much to be desired despite the appearance of achievement. More importantly, my drive to challenge myself and achieve more has always been subdued. 

Ack. I know I've probably written about this before. I guess it feels like I won't know until I try out this gig. Hopefully I'll have some resolution then.

It's kinda scary that gossip has already begun and friendships have been forged at work after only a couple months of training. I have my friends and I have my avoids. There are whispers and confiding, stories being spread. I find myself participating and then worrying. It's so hard for me not to reciprocate when someone confides in me, ya know? But I don't want to have certain things I say haunting me. I've struggled with that for years. Not being a gossip, but having socially awkward moments replaying in my head for eons. 

The management brought us into the fold with statements like, "We're a family and you don't always like your family but you shouldn't let that get in the way of work" and "Sometimes you won't like someone but you have to find a way to work with them regardless." WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS PLACE!? It's a red flag for me, but not enough to scare me off just yet. I'm wary though.

BB's doing pretty well. He had an essay he struggled with at school and we had to work on at home. I'm not sure we hit the mark, but he got the four paragraphs he said was required and I got him to write about a page and a half single spaced. I was satisfied. We're getting fewer emails from the teachers and since the parent-teacher conferences I feel more at ease. They get him, they're just communicative and trying to find the best path forward with him. I appreciate that.

Farewell for now. For my northern hemisphere friends, enjoy this fall transition! We're having hot afternoons but cool mornings and it's been nice to feel the change in the air. Holidays are coming and I'm excited! 

Oh yeah, writing

Boy. It's been go-go-go and then crash-crash-crash. Not like bottom out, but sleep a lot and not do much type of thing. The hubs and I have been having busy weeks and then unproductive weekends. The house is messy and we are behind on laundry for sure!

In other news, we've been getting a lot of emails from BB's teachers. He has two this year in preparation for middle school type scheduling in a couple of years. So far he says he likes these teachers, but we are getting the impression from them that things aren't going so well.

This week it was about him telling another student "I hate you" and then making "distracting noises" when that student looked at him. Last week it was a meltdown after some doodles were taken away I think. Week before that we had another issue with missing work. I'm expecting a weekly (at least) email now and that's sad to me.

I appreciate communicative teachers, sure. I just wonder how they're coping with Nels because last year and year before we didn't get so many emails. Is he doing worse? Were those teachers more dismissive and just less communicative? I'm not sure. We have conferences next week, so I'll see what vibe I get and what the homeroom teacher says about it all. 

Work has been going pretty well, but the 70 minute drive there and 85 minute drive back is tough. The morning most of all. We're going to be closer in October, by about 15 minutes, when our location changes.  I'll be getting on the phones with actual customers then and trying to utilize the MASSIVE amounts of information that they have been shoving into our brains for the last several weeks. It's a tough situation because I might not use all of that knowledge regularly, but they have to try and prepare us for anything so we have some clue how to react.

One positive bit from the commute is my freeway anxiety is very low (I get anxious about getting on the freeway when I don't do it frequently) AND I've been enjoying some podcasts for the first time. I've never really listened to any and now I enjoy Here to Help, Handsome, and The Golden Girls Deep Dive podcasts. I might branch out even more once I've run out of new episodes. We shall see.

I'm tired. I have writing group next weekend and nothing written. Not even an idea! I must get something done this weekend or risk being empty handed on the 28th. Right now though, I am going to clean up my cross stitching, shower up, and hit the hay.

It's taken me forever to get around to writing here, but I think of you all! Well wishes. :o)

Baby Bananaface Update

Well, he ain't no baby no more! We're talking about a 9 year old, folks. He's got his own sass and style and already hates homework and wants a job so he can "do something useful" and make money. We have him in an accelerated learning program in school and he's doing enrichment work outside of school to stay on top of math and reading skills. He's a whiz, but he doesn't always feel that way. He loves LEGO, Pokémon, and goofy TV shows. 

He's also got some struggles and we're trying to learn more about how he's wired, so he's going to have an assessment for autism and anxiety in September. He's already been diagnosed with ADHD and has meds and accommodations at school for that. I've heard from some that "we're all atypical somehow" and that diagnoses don't matter, but for us it seems like it might help better understand and assist BB in learning life skills. 

We realize that he's a borderline case. Perhaps subclinical. That said, autism keeps coming up in conversations around BB. Whether it was work friends, caregivers, near-strangers, family, or just the hubs and myself-it keeps on coming up. So we're addressing it. Hell, maybe it's anxiety or just ADHD being more extreme than we think, but we hope to find out for sure. 

The meltdowns and gut issues, some issues with social cues and struggles with transitions are some of the red flags for us. Some of those can also be related to ADHD, including his hyperfocus (good and bad sometimes). 

So. That's where we're at. Just considering another diagnosis for BB has made me even more patient and helped me be more understanding. It's tough to stick to routines (it made up a huge chunk of my extended visit to WA state this year), but it's worth it. I'm reading about autism and learning already. I think it's helped me parent BB better regardless of what the doc says.

Side note/separate update: BB is having the time of his life with our two cats. I'm so glad we brought them into the family and enjoy them myself, but they are the hubs's and BB's cats for sure. The black and white bonded to Hubster from the get-go, and the silver is BB's soul mate.