Thursday, March 31, 2016


Sunshine, family (mom and sister and nephew), and Baby Bananaface walking all over!

Hit up the outlets after... I'm pretty tuckered out now. Long day! Lots of people, lots of good times, but I'm glad to be home and winding down for bed.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Words for Wednesday

I wasn't feeling up to writing this week but then I thought, "It's Wednesday. It's Words for Wednesday. That's just what I do." While I am not excited for this like I usually I am, I will write anyway! *harrumph*

The words this week were provided via Elephant's Child care of Margaret Adamson & Sue Fulton:

This month the prompts will be published here - but are provided by Margaret Adamsonand her friend Sue Fulton.

This weeks prompts are:





I didn't know how gullible I was until it was too late. I'm sure he wasn't intentionally insidious. Nearly sure. If he were that cruel and managed to appear that oblivious for so long I could've been in bed with a prized secret agent. As it is, he was never smug; despite his beauty, his genius, his supposed selflessness. My care and love slid off him like cold rain on a window. He was too occupied despising himself for such softness, yet burrowed into my tender heart like a prickly weed. Oh, how old thistles sting.

His past was off-limits. The tidbits given to me bits of bread luring me closer, as if I were an innocent bird. Entranced by his pluck and tales of abusive parents, growing up without money and then a winning lawsuit lining his pockets just before his high school graduation made me think he was a success story. It was a confusing dichotomy; shopping at discount grocery stores and ordering expensive electronics off the internet, but I followed his directions. I changed my status quo to fit into his twisted, fantasy realm, always feeling not quite enough or off balance. He played a victim to maintain the upper hand. How was I to know?

I couldn't see the manipulation or name the sickness coming over me as we dated. He was the modest genius and I let myself be proven wrong until I didn't have an opinion, until I began to dissolve. His love was killing me and I simply thrashed in the water believing he was my lifeguard as he stood by and told me how to drown. He feasted on the fear and pain, it sustained him, some backwards side effect of his abusive childhood that I couldn't comprehend. 

The depression sunk deeper into me each day, dark logic driving me to cut my wrists and wish for my own death. I avoided friends and family, cried and trembled alone waiting for him to tell me how to fix myself. Waiting for him to tell me how to be loveable again. 

I was wandering blind to my demise until one afternoon I had the duct tape ripped from my eyes. A friend set her jaw and told me what she saw: how I had changed since this man entered my life, how he had knocked me asunder not enveloped me in caring guardianship. "Where is the Hannah I used to know?" she shook me me with her words as if she had gripped my shoulders and thrown her weight behind the motion until my hair danced back and forth, my head jerking as I was wrested back from the ledge.

I escaped. It took many tears and I was never quite sure of myself only sure of the all consuming pain and sickness I felt. Something had to be done. I pulled up roots and quit my job, moved out of the ramshackle house I shared with him, fleeing for my life. I uprooted all that I could, wrenching on that prickly weed of affection he had anchored in me until my hands bled. Today the thistles it left behind still bristle and sting me from time to time, but maybe one day I will have each and every tiny thorn removed. 

Or at least all but one. 


Not entirely factual (he had money from selling some discovery or chemical process he had developed during community college not a lawsuit) but not entirely fiction. I don't think I've ever told the whole story but longtime readers will know that I went through a bad relationship in college that left me a little scarred. Quite a contrast when I think of my wonderful husband. 

Those words didn't inspire me at first, but now I'm glad I took up the challenge and got this thistle out! 

Thanks for reading. Happy Hump Day!

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Sunshiny Day (ish)

Today I had a psychiatrist appointment at 9:00 AM. Right direction, carry on, same ole, same ole.

This afternoon I had a dentist appointment and drove myself (2nd time I've drive since January before the hospital).

Oh boy. I got disoriented. Memory issues major. Thought I was going the right way and ended up doubling back and then going in an HOV only/bus stop area and nearly crying before I doubled back AGAIN and got to the office in time to talk it out with the hubs over the phone and get the tears flowing just before my appointment. Thankfully I have a regular hygienist I see and we vibe so she just rolled with it.

On the way out the office folk behind the desk were all talking about the sun and the upcoming high temps and I was all BLAAAAAHHHH take it back! I like 60 degrees not 70.

They asked if I was going out to enjoy the sun and I said probably not, not my thing. But on the way home, I stopped at a park that I used to walk through all the time when we lived on the other side of the lake. I saw some cormorants and some mallards, a coot or two, and even saw the two bald eagles soaring very far above me on my little saunter.

For a few moments I did enjoy this sunshiny day, a cool breeze and a warming sunbeam or two was soothing after my anxious morning and upsetting afternoon. I was freaked out about driving and all the people around the park area and trail but I survived and I'm okay and I did it. Sunshine: done.

But don't think I totally enjoyed it, I'm still not convinced this bright stuff in the sky is a good thing:


Couldn't decide which pic "captured the emotion" better so y'all get two! Double chin be damned. Any votes? A vs. B in da comments!   ;o)

Hope those who are pro hot weather are happy!    :o)

Monday, March 28, 2016

Off-loading Some Worry

As I mentioned before, we did Easter at my parents' house. There were many wonderful parts to our day but there were also some worrisome bits that stressed me out a lot and inspired a lot of worry-and let's face it, I know how to worry with the best of them!

Why the worry, you ask? It has to do with my parents and my sister and my nephew.

Being at their place for the holiday did give me and my sister a little bonding time (playing catch/talking birth) but it also gave the hubs and I a teeny peek into what life has been like for those residing in my childhood home. It wasn't pretty (to us).

This is the point in my therapeutic writing where I start to doubt myself and qualify everything I type with internal commentary. For instance, You and Hubbo were there for a single day as guests, you don't really have the full picture, you don't know for certain what life is really like there, you don't know for certain how that baby is really taken care of, it's not your worry to worry, get over it, you sound so stupid, you're the daughter not the parent, stop worrying...

Well. I can't hush this worry. I don't want to write off my feelings. Maybe they're not completely logical or valid but I can't keep my concern locked up---I have tears brimming as I write this because I am so conflicted, so worried, so confused and concerned, but all I can do is try to express myself and hope it helps me get a bit of better grip, so please bear with me!

*psyching myself up*

During our visit we heard chatter about the upcoming move. My parents have had a realtor (or a gaggle of "realtor ladies" as they refer to them) check out the house and apparently after a bit of painting, a few new doors, and a few other little projects they'll have it up for sale.

It's a little emotional thinking about my childhood home going into a stranger's care but the sadness that plagues me seems to have more to do with my concern for my parents making a productive move, a healthy change. When I heard my sister and mother talking about large split level homes I became worried about their future. My father seems to be thinking the same direction as me, smaller, less work, paying off some things off-not moving into an equally large if not larger home to make room for my sister to have as separate a living space as possible... uh, WHAT!?

I know my sister is in the shit and needs the extra help but do they expect to help her raise this child forever? I don't want them jeopardizing their retirement buying some big ass house and giving themselves extra stress with some large yard to take care of just because my sister happens to be living with them at the moment. I'm sure as soon as she can afford it she will jump ship to her own place.

When I can think a bit more clearly I tend to think, Of course they are aware of this, Dad even mentioned 55+ neighborhoods and townhomes, you don't have anything to worry about, they are the "adults" they'll take care of themselves, don't worry, but the anxiety still clings to my heart as anyone with anxiety will know.

It doesn't make much sense, but I feel compelled to voice my worries to them as I can't seem to quiet them but I also feel that it is quite inappropriate. Speaking with my father and the hubster around the card table while my mom and sister did baby things, it seems like my dad is geared toward trying to make a smart move to a smaller place, lower maintenance, travel friendly, paying off what they can etc. That is reassuring to me but hearing my mother and sister talk about the move like they were freaks me the hell out! *sigh*

My other worries have to do with my sister and the baby. My nephew is four months old and doesn't seem quite up to speed. They say he smiles but we've never seen it and his movement seems... off. I don't know if it's just the giant gourd or what (his head is definitely 100th percentile).

She is affectionate towards him but at times ambivalent and annoyed, to some degree that's totally normal but I also worry if it's a bonding issue or postpartum setting in or both but watching the baby and her and my parents and the whole awkward situation was quite distressing. Listening to my sister on the phone with her baby's daddy was upsetting because of the dysfunction and her seeming unconcern with leaving her child with him and his family for Easter... maybe my standards are just different.

It puts my stomach in knots thinking of that dude. I think he might be twenty now but not more than that and the way they spoke (or from what I heard on my sister's end) doesn't bode well for this "family's" future. He was a virgin when they met, they supposedly weren't "doing anything." He grew up in a heavily Christian family and was spoiled, "never held accountable for his actions" as my father puts it and apparently the boy's parents blame my sister for the entire thing. Don't get me wrong, she has her fair share of responsibility, but this dude is just as much a part of the clusterduck* as she is!

So. These are the things that are bearing down on me of late. Things that I cannot do anything about, things that worrying over is quite useless, things that don't have a lot to do directly with me as it goes anyhow! But I struggle. Hopefully this post will help me :o)

*trying to work on my cussing ;o)

Sunday, March 27, 2016


What a day! A super long day.... It all started around 6:00 AM when the baby got up and the hubs started shaving and chopping potatoes for me so I could make my scalloped potatoes for the Easter food thing. 

I nearly had a panic attack in the middle of it as I thought of sharing my small victory (cooking something) with my secret FB group from the ward. I got so nervous and self conscious and confused if it was appropriate or not I started to panic BUT I used my DBT skills and was able to hush the panic before the light-headedness or creepy smell or tingly tingles! It was doubly proud then and I did post to the FB group with the extra "GO ME!" of conquering a panic moment :)

The hubster was very excited for me.... and the potatoes. They were a hit and we didn't have to bring any leftovers home *score*

The Easter visit to my folks' house (where my sister and her child are living as well) went pretty well, though I was quite exhausted and overwhelmed by the time we left. My nephew cried A LOT, and I'm talking we were thinking he might have colic. There were a few rare quiet moments but not enough to keep me un-stressed and unconcerned... anyways. Pictures time!

Awkward family photos with blue bunny ears. Of course!

 On the hunt with Grandpa and Grandma (my folks) and Daddy.

 The first egg had puffs in it and he offered me one so I had to try it... not the best (sweet potato I think) but he ate the rest!

Baby Bananaface passed out in his cousin's bouncy thing WITH THE TECHNO MUSIC BLASTING! It was crazy, but pretty much captures how tired we all were with our epic Easter Saturday.

I wish we had pictures of playing catch with the softball. My abs were sore that night and this morning! I sweat, was pretty uncomfortable with my fat roll and tight jeans, and missed my fair share of catches but it was a lot of fun and really nice to actually have a chat with my sister (she got to share her birth story with me, night and day compared to mine and I felt sorry for her but it was 'successful' if sadly conventional, at least now she knows what the doctors meant when they told her '3' about her tear, ugh pisses me off how women are treated in hospital when it comes to birth-speaking generally of course). 

Also got to play with my dad and the hubs, which was fun and it felt so good to hear my dad tell me "Good job" but boy the poor hubs has a lot of practicing to do! W O W it was rough. He looks all rugged and manly and stuff but I forget he ain't so sporty (thank goodness, really, I ain't so much either and I need the tech support something silly).

The way home I had to take an anti-anxiety tablet and thank goodness for good ole Starbucks for a little sugar boost, but I had a marvelous night's sleep last night and am feeling back to good, mostly today-except for this damned runny nose.

I'm gonna say success. I had moments of feeling close and connected with my family and then I had horrendous anxiety and sadness thinking about my nephew and my parents and.... that's a whole other post. I'll dump my worries some other day!

For now, Happy Easter, whatever that means to you :) Enjoy this Sunday and hopefully something delicious (we had ham, pretzel rolls, my scalloped potatoes, asparagus, corn, and the ugliest "bunny" cake my sister and mom could find haha) and enjoy your family and/or friends if you can. To me, that's what holidays are all about! and then the whole "meaning" behind the .... WHATEVER! I'm logging off, I can't stop babblin!

Hugs to all, be well.


Saturday, March 26, 2016

Seeking Wisdom and a Reality Check

Saw my bastard nephew yesterday (I mean technically, it's true, not to mention he's one whiny, tough nut of a baby).

He's ugly. He's got a biggest pumpkin, blue ribbon at the fair type of head and never smiles and just doesn't seem "right" and the hubs and I are worried something is off there. Maybe our baby was just a stellar deal and this kid is just toward the other end of the spectrum?

Anyways. I tried to connect. I fed him his bottle, I lugged him around IKEA in a ring sling trying to soothe him (big ole head, drool, complaining nearly the entire time, it was not a great aunt-to-nephew bonding moment.)

At first I thought, "Oh my gawd. It's only been a year and I've already lost my momma skills;" but the hubster reassured me that it wasn't my fault, this baby is just a case!

So here's the pickle.... I want to be a good aunt. I don't want to resent this child, I don't want to resent my sister, I want to be able to function as a member of my own family, even if that family is a bit.... dysfunctional.

How can I reframe this? I have a tendency to worry so "the ugly duckling" storyline doesn't help much. Just too much left to faith and chance there. This kid's head is so ginormous he's not even fun to cuddle, it's either bearing down on your arm making it hurt cuz it's so heavy or making him loll around like a reverse weeble-wobble thingamajig.

Part of the issue is I had this weird thought when she was pregnant that the baby would be ugly because he was born out of wedlock. This coming from the proclaimed atheist that is somehow still influenced by religious pressures and beliefs. Oy. It's just so confusing and frustrating!

I guess this is all coming up because A) saw The Nephew at IKEA and B) gonna see him and my family and my sister today for Easter-not-on-Easter.

I feel sort of bad for having these thoughts and feelings but then I feel glad that I can own up to them and get them off my chest. My dad admitted that this child is never really happy and complains and whines and cries and fusses a lot. He also admitted that the kiddo's head is impressively large but didn't quite commit to, "boy howdy that kid is ugly!."

SO. That is one of my life challenges lately. I want to be a good aunt. I want to feel affection and love and connection with my family, but it's just not there in some cases...

Any thoughts? advice? wisdom? stories? I feel like I'm in the wrong but also feel like, "yay for you, embracing some feelings!"

Life. Is. Complicated. And. Messy.

*insert ookey feelings here*

Linda! That quote is so helpful and reassuring! Thank you for posting this: Please don't keep all your feelings pent up inside of you.  Sometimes you need a good cry.  Even if you don't know exactly why you're crying.  It's okay not to be okay.  But it's not okay to give up.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Words for Wednesday

Words for Wednesday! Went differently than expected, so I'm a bit nervous posting, but hey, I'm an honest gal and that's how I roll.

Here are the prompts via Elephant's Child:

This month the prompts will be published here - but are provided by Margaret Adamson and her friend Sue Fulton.

They are again challenging us with photographs.

First this one:

And then this:

Next month the prompts will be supplied by Riot Kitty who you can find here.

Mark Koopmans has offered to provide the prompts for May.


These prompts brought out a secret dream of mine of writing a romance novel someday. Totally random but it resulted in my first foray into... uhhh, romance noveling? Whatever you want to call it, I had to censor my last chapter due to content (thus, the pretty, red WARNING message below) I didn't feel comfortable putting the naughty bits up for all to see, I'm not exactly... shy about the sexy times! but if you would like to read my first efforts at a sex scene, just let me know and I'll get you the details ;o)


WARNING: These prompts took me in an unexpected (naughty, y'know *wink, wink*) direction and the last "chapter" has been "censored" due to content (I ain't shy about the sexy times so if you're not into graphic scenes you probably won't enjoy my writing-fair, extra warning). You can send me a carrier pigeon or comment that you'd like to read the last chapter and specify how you would like me to send it to you. Otherwise, just enjoy the jungle adventure!


"Women need their time too."

Offering a close lipped smile, Veta lifted a large basket to her head and turned away from her sons and their grandmother, Maricel. Leaving them gathered around the fire she headed for the door of their small hut with her load of woven blankets, food, water, and other essentials.

Maricel smirked, "Be careful, child. Watch your step. Sleep well."

"I will Mama." Veta turned back at the threshold of their ramshackle home, "Faro, Ramon, you boys be good to your grandmother and help each other, si?"

"Si, Mama," the boys chirped in unison, already content with her simplistic answer to their earlier inquiries about her impending departure and immersed again in their game. Something to do with stones and little twigs the size of her forefinger. *****

Veta smiled, tears coming to her eyes as she watched the boys and thought of their father. She never would have chosen Salomon for her partner but he had done the best he could to provide for them and brought food home for the family.***** She wasn't sure if she ever loved him, her cheek had known the back of his hand too well, but she knew easily how much she loved her boys. It was hard for her to leave them, even if only for a night. Their father's death had made life harder in many ways, but in others she was relieved.

Maricel caught her daughter's eyes and nodded, smiling reassuringly.

Veta nodded back and turned to the morning light creeping into the village. She had a long hike ahead of her to the abandoned citadel at the top of the mountain to the west of her small village. She had arranged to meet a man named Lorenzo. He was from a neighboring village on the other side of the mountain, they knew each other from the monthly market and had begun an illicit courtship.

It would be the first time she'd left her boys alone overnight. The first time she'd followed her feelings for a man. No one was dictating her actions, telling her whom she would be with, this was her choice. There was a lump in her throat and her heart was racing but she also felt a swell of pride and excitement as she left the village just before the day begun, avoiding any questioning eyes.


Stomping around the last bend, she huffed toward the meager clearing in the forest floor around the old stone structure and wondered if Lorenzo were at the citadel yet. She whistled in a short, questioning trill and hearing no response wiped at her sweaty forehead and trudged up the worn stone stairs and into the stone building.

Vines and moss had began a hearty invasion while the tropical rains had massed an impressive assault against the rugged building. The Spainards had given up their quest to tame her ancestors' jungle but they hadn't been half-hearted in their initial efforts, leaving behind a hardy building and sticky religious doctrine in their wake.

Setting her basket down, Veta gathered leaves to make a broom and clear the small room adjacent to the windowed entrance hall. She swept the floor and carefully laid the blankets down before collecting firewood. By the time Lorenzo wandered into the clearing she had rubbed the scent of jungle blossoms on her wrists and neck, tucked a few blooms behind an ear in a moment of whimsy, and rearranged her few items in the small room three times.

The sun was on it's way down and he cast a long shadow. She saw a string of fish dangling from one hand, his sword and sling packed with a few essentials on his back. He was sweaty and tired but smiled a sweet, toothy smile as Veta brought her hands together in glee over her own broad grin. His friendly face, high cheekbones, and soft eyes were a warm hug even from a distance.

As he reached her at the citadel he brought his free hand to the hair just above her ear and slid his fingers through the thick black locks until his hand cupped her ear, then neck, then came to rest at her shoulder as his eyes closed in pleasure.

"You give me my breath back." Lorenzo sighed, bringing his sweaty forehead to the top of Veta's head, "I have been waiting for this night all month. Missing you and wishing we lived in the same village."

"Ahh, but if we lived in the same village we could both hardly disappear for a night without raising everyone's eyebrows!" Veta chuckled and rested her hands against his strong chest. Happy tears prickled her eyes.

"Ha! True. Let us eat. I've carried these fish for so damn long I can't wait to put them to flame!" He laughed and lifted the fish in weary emphasis.

Veta described the contents of her basket, they caught up on village gossip and family news, prepared a small fire and shared a pleasant but rather speedy meal, hastily cleaning up as dusk fell. Lorenzo cleared his throat and Veta twiddled her thumbs before they both giggled nervously and excused themselves, disappearing to separate edges of the clearing to ready themselves for the evening's pleasures ahead.


Upon request....

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Fwd: When camels attack!

"When Camels Attack!" a photo essay by Hubster himself.


I tried to dress "springy" today. I turned out autumnal! Just like the hubby said in his "why I love you speech" about me loving autumnal colors all year 'round.

Told him this afternoon when he saw, he laughed so hard his nostrils bulged. 

He knows me well.


Monday, March 21, 2016

#atozchallenge Theme Reveal

This is my first year participating in the A to Z Challenge  and selecting a theme posed a challenge nearly as taxing as the posts themselves, but the theme I choose is Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive

If you are a regular reader, you will already know that I happen to have Bipolar II disorder and that I welcomed my first child in February 2015. Motherhood set off a major battle with postpartum depression and anxiety, transforming my life into a journey of much joy and delight but also pain and confusion. 

I decided to gear my theme toward helping me reclaim my health and happiness, and since the hubs has let me know (very plainly) that I have an issue with "depressive logic" I thought utilizing a theme of gratitude would help me retrain my brain to work in a more helpful, positive way.

Each of my posts will try to be A) Positive B) Related to postpartum or the life I'm trying to reclaim C) Frank and illustrative as it relates to the experience of PPD, BPD, motherhood and my life in general. 

While I'm trying to be positive, I'm not a candy coating type and I may very well drop an f-bomb or two, just fair warning. I have the suspicion that expressing gratitude may function with a comparative aspect on occasion though I will refrain from "I'm grateful for blankety blank because blankety blank is so freakin' blankety blank, f-bomb this and that." That's just not what I'm going for here. :o) 

Not sure where this challenge will take me, but I'm launching this voyage the best way I know how! 

Let's do this.

Theme set.

Let's get grateful! 

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Check out this mural!

Well, online I mean.

A must if you're a bird lover and there are factoids and recordings and bonus tidbits if you click on the birds! Much fun. I enjoyed it.

Also like, great resource!

As far as life goes...

Baby is sick. No temperature but TONS of boogers and TONS of tears and TONS of shrieking. It sucks. I can handle a bit of it but then I'm totally off the rez and have to isolate to recoup.


I'm achy. I was just lying down covered in heating pads trying to untense my body and settle my mind and instead I had some sort of unsettling panic attack. There was even this creepy smell that came over me as my mind collapsed (it's happened before)... it was so scary and sad and frustrating but at least I was able to tell myself "I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm okay. I'm safe" out loud and I just kept repeating it until I was strong enough to look around, see that I was safe and eventually get out of bed.

Today was up and then down. The hubs, babe, me, and the dog took a long walk this morning and it was  mostly good except for the fact that I got to thinking about everything that has gone on and it was saddening. I felt feisty at first, "hey, look what I've accomplished, I survived, etc.," but then the crying baby got to be too much and then the hen-pecking hubby pushed me over the edge. I was a yelling, cussing, pained bitch but anyways.... the everything.

I remember years ago being hauled away in the back of a cop car, spending the night in a crisis center. I remember therapy and therapy and therapy. I remember spending nearly two weeks inpatient and then working through an outpatient program. I'm aware that I don't remember all the meds that I've tried, I just know it's a lot (in my book at least). I remember spending over two weeks in inpatient and getting ECT and then spending weeks doing ECT outpatient and all the nausea and pain and impatience as I waited for the depression to leave me and never quite getting satisfaction. I remember self-harming. Crying. Screaming. Wrist-banging. I remember hugging and clinging and long talks and tears and sighs and relief. I remember confusion... that hasn't changed much!

As I feel myself edging toward the light, having more good days, but still struggling to leave the darkness behind, I feel hope and excitement but I also feel fear. I'm so afraid of backsliding, or of the madness returning full force at some point further down the road. I feel haunted, cursed, broken. Not so good!

Anyways. I need to do something else. Maybe I'll browse the mural again, maybe I'll watch TV, maybe I'll just rock myself for a little bit.

Wishing easier nights (or days) for those reading.

Keep keeping on.

Friday, March 18, 2016

This day so far... (and notes from last night)

I have been feeling UP!

Since doing the dishes hasn't happened in I don't know how long (I didn't even remember where the cutting boards went) and since doing any housework is an uber-achievement for me, I wanted to post these pics :)

And because I'm feeling jazzy I wanna add these just for kicks!

Happens to be my new profile pic as well-
that hasn't changed in YEARS!

Reminds me of Elvis.
Don't know if it's the belly and arm rolls
or the shades and 'tude. 
Runner-up for profile pic... or should it be #1?


Also wanted to post this funny pic of the hubs from last night.

I was texting (group texting) with my mom and sister (we're having a streak of "togetherness") and they text these weird cartoons that look like themselves and they were "text streaking" as I called it and then I posted a pic with a cartoon that looked like me (manual) so I could "text streak" back and then the whole I saw my grandmother naked 2-3 times while she was alive thing came up AGAIN. I catch flack and get teased about that way too much. In my personal opinion.  

I texted this back with "Take that." and did my
sassiest fishlips.

But anyways, I mentioned that family history to the hubs  while he was eating and he was very upset, making this face and saying "dude, my mouth was full." So that's what that picture is all about. :o)

Thursday, March 17, 2016

From My Imagination

These are two blips from inside my head that I felt that writing & sharing. Although they reflect negative aspects of my thinking they also reflect some positive changes and self defense!

I drop a couple f-bombs, FYI :o)

Conversation 1

"I hate you. I don't know why my brother ever married you. You are ruining his life. Worst mistake of his life marrying you! And for you both to have a kid together! Oh my God!"

"Your brother happened to have married someone with Bipolar II Disorder. He knew I had it before we got married and he married me anyways. He decides to help me stay alive, almost everyday he has to make a decision not to walk away, to help me manage this disease. You don't know me and what I go through. You can't understand where I'm coming from or why I'm so disjointed or confusing. You have no idea what having a baby did to me because I have this disease. I don't care what you say or what you think and I don't care if I never see you again because you have never brought happiness into our lives as far as I can tell and the way you treat your brother makes me sick and furious. Fuck you!"

Conversation 2

"I hate you! Your vacuuming woke me up. It was so loud and disruptive, don't you understand that you live above someone?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? A) It's past 11:00 AM and I waited until double-digits to vacuum or even start laundry out of consideration for my neighbors, especially my downstairs one! B) Do you have any clue what a big deal it is that I even vacuumed at all!? Just for me to be out of bed is a big deal, doing anything remotely 'house-cleany' is a major accomplishment. I have been so sick lately, you have no clue. You can just go fuck yourself for all I care, I am proud of my vacuuming and I don't give a rat's ass what you think. And learn how to friggin' park a car! Jeesh!"

PS Got this off FB and really enjoyed, literally LOL!

St. Patrick's Day

I have been festive today. Why? I have no idea. I suppose it's because, "Why the hell not?" 

The hubs asked what shirt he should wear and I promptly said, "The green one." The kiddo has green on and back-up green in his to-go bag. I was even making comments about his Irish ancestry and his festive green boogers (holy cow they were really, really sticky this morning). 

I leave a comment on a blog, I tack on "Happy St. Patty's." Not every time, but often enough.

On the flipside, I was pissed off this morning A) because I didn't want to get outta bed one lick and B) because I have a horrendous pimple near my lip line that hurts like hell. I cussed a lot, we dubbed it the "St. Patrick's Day Pimplecre" and I made a bad herpes joke that the hubs took seriously and then we had to have a discussion and now I'm Googling how exactly one might get herpes and the whole cold sore thing... Good grief.

So THAT'S how my St. Patrick's Day is going. A little all over the board.

In other news, yesterday got quite dark for me and then things got better at DBT group. It was quite confusing to be jerked around by my emotions so much... Before class I told the hubs "If this doesn't work, that's it" implying that I would kill myself this fall if I'm not feeling better by then and then after class we were joking and loving and talking about the future, it was wonderful. Just confusing.

I really don't feel like my medications do much for me but the hubbo reminded me that it hasn't been all that long since I've been on this new one and that I gotta give it a chance... so I'll hurry up and wait. Grr.

ANYWAYS. Have some goals of doing some laundry and vacuuming without stubbing any toes today and eating lunch, all of which are going to be more challenging than expected (already proving as such).

Fair thee well blog reader...

and Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Oy vey....

Too late now. I kinda just redesigned to some extent. Oh well. This ain't the permanent design, I don't know what I'm doin' I will tell ya that much! Should've waited for the hubster to be home to help me. In the mean time, I will review my previous post about redesign ideas and try to get my shit in order.

Please bear with me.

Thank you.

:o( & :o)

Words for Wednesday

This week I'm trying to get back into life a bit, unfortunately that has meant a lot of meaningless FB browsing and some unfortunate triggering articles from some Postpartum sites etc. ANYWAYS going to Elephant's Child's blog and finding "Words for Wednesday" is a much more promising prospect for me :) Maybe afterward I will tack on some life update jazz but we'll see how my fingers are feeling :) 

From EC's blog: 

This month the prompts will be published here - but are provided by Margaret Adamson and her friend Sue Fulton. 

This week Margaret and Sue have challenged us with two phrases.
They are:

Any port in a storm


Keep it under your hat

Kayla perused the tea service and flicked through the parade of rigid teabags lined up in the little 
ceramic serving dish. The large pump pot of hot water was filled to the brim and seated 
securely in the back left corner of the sturdy wheeled cart while tall piles of white paper cups 
and even whiter plastic lids served as a back drop to bowls of different types of sweeteners 
and a large red mug of wooden stirrer sticks. 

Caffeine. Disgusting. Gross. Yeah right. Caffeine again. They go through all this trouble to 
present a tea service and they can't remember plain ole decaf black? 
Kayla thought as she shook her head, sighed, and walked back to the large cluster of meeting
tables at the center of the room. Plopping her tote bag on the table she took her seat, a convenient rolling office chair 
with padded armrests and an adjustable height feature like all the other chairs, and refocused 
her attention on unloading her bottle of water, pen, pencil, eraser, notebook, and several 
required or recommended books pertaining to the topic of postpartum mood disorders. 

As the rest of the women filed into the office, Kayla noticed the miffed reactions at the tea 
service and the bags of what looked like quite untouched books-maybe she wasn't the only 
one struggling to find time to read assigned chapters and avoiding caffeinated tea or herbal 
modge podges that may interact with her variety of psychiatric medications. The office space 
was on the first floor of the "Verdansky Clinic for Babies and Mothers" a building specializing 
in perinatal complications and care, boasting an acclaimed and "baby friendly" birth center 
while providing pediatric and postpartum care on the other floors. It was supposed to be a 
specialized resource for those facing the most difficult and trying challenges surrounding their 
reproductive journeys and yet Kayla felt that it resembled more any port in a storm than an 
ordained savior. So far, she wasn't vary impressed with the help she was receiving and 
considering the miserable faces all around her, it seemed that her support group sisters hadn't 
been impressed with the past few weeks either.

"Hey Kayla, how'd your week go?" Brianna, a tall blonde with thick legs and broad shoulders, 
bypassed the tea cart and strode toward the seat next to Kayla. "If I have to smell old formula 
anymore I think I'm going to throw Nora in a stall with a milk cow and just hope for the best." 

Kayla smiled at the sarcastic comment about Brianna's 7 month old daughter, Nora. She was 
grateful that she and Brianna and some of the other mothers were able to share some of their 
true frustrations and feelings between meeting discussions. 

"Hi Brianna. I know what you mean, Trevor gets back from daycare and he smells so bad I 
have to strip him down and give him a little bird bath with some wipes or I want to leave on the 
porch just to keep the smell away." Kayla shook her head and shrugged, "My week was more 
of the same. Pills. Forcing myself to eat. Trying to read these chapters that I never seem to get 
started and watching stupid daycare ladies take care of my child because I can't get my shit 
together. Ya know, the same." 

"I don't know how you manage letting him go everyday but you'll get through this." Brianna tried 
to smile but the encouragement came off all consoling, "It's better for you to get the help you need 
than try to keep it under your hat after all"

"Yeah, but sometimes I wonder about just taking it all back, acting like I am A-OK just so I can 
get a break from all this 'keeping it together' stuff!" Kayla whispered in a sideways 
confession to Brianna as she flipped open her notebook and scooted up to the table. The 
support group came to attention as the doors were shut along with the blinds. The nurse and 
psychiatrist running the support group huddled at the front of the grouping of tables near some 
whiteboards waiting for the group to settle. Their fake smiles chafed and Kayla found herself 
rolling her eyes as she leaned back in her chair fiddling with her pen.

Another night of bullshit. Another night of ladies that probably had no postpartum problems of 
their own if they'd even had children yet telling a room of traumatized mothers about 
medications and psychological tricks to "get back on top of things."

Kayla looked over to Brianna who grimaced back with an understanding smirk as the 
group quieted to take turns sharing the past week's triumphs and trials.


The hubs let me know that this comes off "a little whiney" but I don't care. I'm cranky and tired and sick of this mess and annoyed at my stupid Blogger indenting like a crazy asshole street artist... I'm a little off. As if you didn't already see that! *sigh*

Anyways. Been on a break from ECT. Been on 40 whatever grams or somethings of Latuda. Been popping Ativan and Klonopin and taking Lunesta every once in a while trying to sleep instead of lay there wondering if someone has broken into the condo... Been trying to eat a regular meal or two while the hubs is at work but it's tough.

Sometimes I feel upbeat, positive, like I am making progress and that I can get on top of this, but at 8:30 in the morning before my coffee while the dog is barking at regular ole apartment/condo sounds-not feeling so upbeat. Feeling... homicidal. ;) and I guess whiney. Whoopee. Sarcasm. Blah.

This friggin' blog formatting! My goodness, as if I need one more thing to piss me off! Ahhhh!

I know I'm not expressing it, but I wish everyone is doing well and I do care about ya'll and wish you well. 

Friday, March 11, 2016

Pony Surfing

He's also climbing couches now too.

How is it...

How is it that I have such an utterly terrible copy of one of my favorite movies? I'm still enjoying watching it, don't get me wrong, but in the age of Blu-Ray ya can sure tell when a DVD isn't quite up to snuff!

What is this movie? Why let me tell you...

One of my favorite movies of all time is a John Wayne flick called "McLintock!" It has Maureen O'Hara, Patrick Wayne, Stefanie Powers, Jerry Van Dyke, Chill Wills, and Yvonne De Carlo in addition to John Wayne and even more actors that have become beloved and familiar after I've watched the movie so many times since my single digit years.

If you peruse this page of quotes you may just get a feel for it but there are many moments and quotes that aren't mentioned that have become favorites in my family. One of my personal favorites in the film is when Maureen O'Hara takes over driving a wagon and John Wayne (riding a horse) rides up and asks "Just where do you think you are going?" and she replies, "Don't use that range boss tone of voice with me!" and drives on by to a local mine where a big brawl takes place.

Also favorite in my family is the word play of the movie. There is a lot of drama between the country folks of McLintock in the territory and the city folk of the established states and cities and such. You've probably already gathered from my blog that I'm a word-lover and being an English major to boot just lines me up to enjoy the word play even more I suppose... but my whole family enjoys the back-and-forth and the "What does ________ mean?" questions that pop up every so often!

I'm not sure if "McLintock!" is my favorite movie ever but it's certainly one that I would never leave out of my collection. It might be a little... heavy? on the spanking/violence but I think everyone gives as good as they get-and any movie with molasses and feathers like that... and Maureen O'Hara chasing down her man in the end! Ya just gotta see it if you have the chance, I'd be typing all day if I tried to capture every special moment.

And did I mention, that in my family we have had a stuffed animal or two take the name of a character from this movie and a cat take the name of a character too!?


In other news I finally found my favorite pair of glasses (the purple ones with the plastic frames) lying on the sidewalk outside just over the railing of our stairs! They weren't cracked or anything but I'll have to clean 'em up a bit-been missing all week!

Started DBT this week and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think "crabby" might be the word? Having to change my ways is a bit annoying but I think it has to be done if I ever want to live the life I keep yearning for... guess we'll see. Still feel like a mess... guess the important thing is to remember I can change, things can change, and I'm not just a lost cause.

Been feeling a bit down on myself for not driving and being... reduced (?) in my capacity of late but I'm trying to do some chores and keep up with things even if I'm not taking care of the babe or quite up to par lately. Ugh. One foot in front of the other...

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Words for Wednesday (on Thursday)

Thank you Margaret, Sue, and EC for these visual prompts :)

Gerald tipped the coffee cup back and took a healthy swallow of cooler-than-hot, warmer-than-warm java before sighing and looking at Susan and the carved stone she held. The stone was about the size of a Quaker oatmeal cylinder and covered in coral growths that collided to form one large blanket of coral. The divers had found the carving near the end of their dive and while it had taken two divers to wriggle the item from its sandy bed, it was light enough for Susan to carry back to the surface on her own.

Susan cradled the stone and peered into the face of the cloaked figure. It appeared to be female, wearing a veil over the large cloak the covered 98% of her body. Two small hands, a chipped face coated in teeny coral with a large beehive hairdo shrouded by a stone veil were all that detracted from the flowing cloak. The coral clung close to the stone and was a golden tone, a separate growth near the base carried some magenta hues; Gerald clenched his jaw imagining the coral dying off as the artifact was imprisoned on land.

"I wonder who she was." Susan mumbled and cocked her head to the left and shrugged. She hugged the carving closer to her body as she reached toward the rattan and glass table in front of her that held her creamy alcoholic concoction of coffee, rum, Kahlua, and cream. His belly flopped.

Leaving his cup of coffee on the side table, Gerald excused himself and walked off the covered porch onto the tropical garden path leading away from the large private rental. He trudged toward the sun-bleached dock, wondering how he'd ended up in a tropical hideaway with a bunch of self-centered, spoiled boozers. He was fairly certain Susan wasn't aware of whom the vice president was, but at twenty-nine with several million in the bank, why should she be?

Gerald shook his head and groaned as he plodded onto the dock and stared across the bright water. He needed off these islands, out of these mansions, and away from the fresh asphalt and bright white borders that gave the turistas the impression that their every activity was sanctioned and welcomed by a forgiving, tropical God.

"A little much?" Gerald heard a female voice behind him and turned to find Andrea, a curly haired dirty blonde about his age. She grinned and laughed, "I would say Susan is the most ignorant murderess in the islands but I think she actually relishes the triumph." Andrea sighed and clicked her tongue.

Gerald shrugged in return and shook his head. "I just wanted to escape for a little bit while my divorce went through. I didn't expect to come down here and survey a bunch of boozing fat-cats ripping up a coral reef."

Andrea smiled sympathetically. "Why don't we leave the gangsters behind and check out some more isolated coves? I have access to a little powerboat and some diving gear; we can check out the reef without changing a thing." Her hands lifted up and to the sides as if leaving the offer completely open for his consideration.

"Hmmm." Gerald murmured as his eyebrows perked. He looked over to her and nodded. "Why the hell not?"

Nearly two hours later they were in a cozy cove half and hour away from the rental and diving though some bright reefs without touching a thing. Andrea carried a waterproof camera and Gerald paddled through the cove enjoying the scenery without worrying about capturing a memory. As their oxygen tanks neared empty levels they reconvened on the powerboat for drinks and snacks, leaving their diving gear on the deck to dry and digging through the hastily packed cooler for water bottles and salsa.

"I'm glad we got a chance to dive out here. Thanks for being willing to give it a go." Andrea toasted Gerald with her sweaty water bottle and reached for a tortilla chip.

"Thank you for suggesting it, I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't been able to do any real diving-murder just ain't my thing." He smirked and toasted Andrea with his own water bottle before plunging a chip into a bowl of bright salsa. "This trip was supposed to be about moving on, recovery, not more bad memories."

"You're telling me." Andrea's eyebrows leaped, "I wasn't expecting a tropical escape to include a ragtag team of spoiled brats looking to scoop up whatever bounty they can find."

Gerald scoffed, "I find it just as satisfying swimming by for a visit and letting it stay right where it is." Andrea smiled and nodded as Gerald lightly grazed her knee with his right hand, "What do you say?"

Andrea sighed and gave a sidelong gaze at Gerald. "I think that a touchless visit can be just as wonderful as any plundering venture," resting her hand on his thigh she turned her head questioningly, "but there are always fun things to do with full contact-though I would never want to endanger any coral."

"Of course, if it were to protect the coral..." Gerald nodded firmly and cleared his throat.

In no time at all the salsa was very much forgotten and the coral certainly had no marauding divers to worry about, while Gerald's recuperating vacation to the islands finally took on a curative tone.
Nope. No idea where that came from!

I cancelled my ECT for today since Tuesday was kinda scary and upsetting. So far it's been writing and laundry and we'll see what else I can manage.

Been pretty storm around these parts, hope everyone else is having some nicer weather!

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Caring Thoughts, Nice Read

Really related to this article and if there are any other bipolar ladies in the pregnancy arena they might appreciate it too?

My pregnancy went pretty well, no meds or major issues that I recall, but this postpartum. Sheesh. If only I'd been better prepared. If that would've even helped! I'm not sure!

Thinking of everyone and hoping they are well.

Be strong.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016


I feel like shit. I feel like shit and the backs of my hands are green with bruises from that idiot anesthesiologist and my head is hurting and I feel sad because I'm not feeling better despite being fried for I don't know how many weeks. I'm over it.

Thinking about ECT and what I am going through boggles my brain... looking at the bruises and holes in my arms and feeling my head throb and thinking about all the resources getting me to and from the hospital twice a week all because of my broken brain and for so many weeks---so many weeks, so much pain, so many pokes, so many pills and I still feel like crap. I sure hope that the DBT therapy helps (I started seeing a new therapist yesterday and I start a new group therapy tomorrow).

My memory has been terrible lately because of the ECT... ugh.


On a separate note but also related to my personal annoyance, my period finally started (relief) but good grief I guess holding it in for a few extra days made for an extra saucy menses. As if I need anything else bugging me!




PS The hubs and I started re-watching Burn Notice since we finished watching The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. for the second time..... that's enjoyable at least :)