Words for Wednesday

This week I'm trying to get back into life a bit, unfortunately that has meant a lot of meaningless FB browsing and some unfortunate triggering articles from some Postpartum sites etc. ANYWAYS going to Elephant's Child's blog and finding "Words for Wednesday" is a much more promising prospect for me :) Maybe afterward I will tack on some life update jazz but we'll see how my fingers are feeling :) 

From EC's blog: 

This month the prompts will be published here - but are provided by Margaret Adamson and her friend Sue Fulton. 

This week Margaret and Sue have challenged us with two phrases.

They are:

Any port in a storm

And/or

Keep it under your hat

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Kayla perused the tea service and flicked through the parade of rigid teabags lined up in the little 

ceramic serving dish. The large pump pot of hot water was filled to the brim and seated 

securely in the back left corner of the sturdy wheeled cart while tall piles of white paper cups 

and even whiter plastic lids served as a back drop to bowls of different types of sweeteners 

and a large red mug of wooden stirrer sticks. 

Caffeine. Disgusting. Gross. Yeah right. Caffeine again. They go through all this trouble to 
present a tea service and they can't remember plain ole decaf black? 
Kayla thought as she shook her head, sighed, and walked back to the large cluster of meeting
tables at the center of the room. Plopping her tote bag on the table she took her seat, a convenient rolling office chair 
with padded armrests and an adjustable height feature like all the other chairs, and refocused 
her attention on unloading her bottle of water, pen, pencil, eraser, notebook, and several 
required or recommended books pertaining to the topic of postpartum mood disorders. 

As the rest of the women filed into the office, Kayla noticed the miffed reactions at the tea 
service and the bags of what looked like quite untouched books-maybe she wasn't the only 
one struggling to find time to read assigned chapters and avoiding caffeinated tea or herbal 
modge podges that may interact with her variety of psychiatric medications. The office space 
was on the first floor of the "Verdansky Clinic for Babies and Mothers" a building specializing 
in perinatal complications and care, boasting an acclaimed and "baby friendly" birth center 
while providing pediatric and postpartum care on the other floors. It was supposed to be a 
specialized resource for those facing the most difficult and trying challenges surrounding their 
reproductive journeys and yet Kayla felt that it resembled more any port in a storm than an 
ordained savior. So far, she wasn't vary impressed with the help she was receiving and 
considering the miserable faces all around her, it seemed that her support group sisters hadn't 
been impressed with the past few weeks either.

"Hey Kayla, how'd your week go?" Brianna, a tall blonde with thick legs and broad shoulders, 
bypassed the tea cart and strode toward the seat next to Kayla. "If I have to smell old formula 
anymore I think I'm going to throw Nora in a stall with a milk cow and just hope for the best." 

Kayla smiled at the sarcastic comment about Brianna's 7 month old daughter, Nora. She was 
grateful that she and Brianna and some of the other mothers were able to share some of their 
true frustrations and feelings between meeting discussions. 

"Hi Brianna. I know what you mean, Trevor gets back from daycare and he smells so bad I 
have to strip him down and give him a little bird bath with some wipes or I want to leave on the 
porch just to keep the smell away." Kayla shook her head and shrugged, "My week was more 
of the same. Pills. Forcing myself to eat. Trying to read these chapters that I never seem to get 
started and watching stupid daycare ladies take care of my child because I can't get my shit 
together. Ya know, the same." 

"I don't know how you manage letting him go everyday but you'll get through this." Brianna tried 
to smile but the encouragement came off all consoling, "It's better for you to get the help you need 
than try to keep it under your hat after all"

"Yeah, but sometimes I wonder about just taking it all back, acting like I am A-OK just so I can 
get a break from all this 'keeping it together' stuff!" Kayla whispered in a sideways 
confession to Brianna as she flipped open her notebook and scooted up to the table. The 
support group came to attention as the doors were shut along with the blinds. The nurse and 
psychiatrist running the support group huddled at the front of the grouping of tables near some 
whiteboards waiting for the group to settle. Their fake smiles chafed and Kayla found herself 
rolling her eyes as she leaned back in her chair fiddling with her pen.

Another night of bullshit. Another night of ladies that probably had no postpartum problems of 
their own if they'd even had children yet telling a room of traumatized mothers about 
medications and psychological tricks to "get back on top of things."

Kayla looked over to Brianna who grimaced back with an understanding smirk as the 
group quieted to take turns sharing the past week's triumphs and trials.

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The hubs let me know that this comes off "a little whiney" but I don't care. I'm cranky and tired and sick of this mess and annoyed at my stupid Blogger indenting like a crazy asshole street artist... I'm a little off. As if you didn't already see that! *sigh*

Anyways. Been on a break from ECT. Been on 40 whatever grams or somethings of Latuda. Been popping Ativan and Klonopin and taking Lunesta every once in a while trying to sleep instead of lay there wondering if someone has broken into the condo... Been trying to eat a regular meal or two while the hubs is at work but it's tough.

Sometimes I feel upbeat, positive, like I am making progress and that I can get on top of this, but at 8:30 in the morning before my coffee while the dog is barking at regular ole apartment/condo sounds-not feeling so upbeat. Feeling... homicidal. ;) and I guess whiney. Whoopee. Sarcasm. Blah.

This friggin' blog formatting! My goodness, as if I need one more thing to piss me off! Ahhhh!

I know I'm not expressing it, but I wish everyone is doing well and I do care about ya'll and wish you well.