As I mentioned before, we did Easter at my parents' house. There were many wonderful parts to our day but there were also some worrisome bits that stressed me out a lot and inspired a lot of worry-and let's face it, I know how to worry with the best of them!
Why the worry, you ask? It has to do with my parents and my sister and my nephew.
Being at their place for the holiday did give me and my sister a little bonding time (playing catch/talking birth) but it also gave the hubs and I a teeny peek into what life has been like for those residing in my childhood home. It wasn't pretty (to us).
This is the point in my therapeutic writing where I start to doubt myself and qualify everything I type with internal commentary. For instance, You and Hubbo were there for a single day as guests, you don't really have the full picture, you don't know for certain what life is really like there, you don't know for certain how that baby is really taken care of, it's not your worry to worry, get over it, you sound so stupid, you're the daughter not the parent, stop worrying...
Well. I can't hush this worry. I don't want to write off my feelings. Maybe they're not completely logical or valid but I can't keep my concern locked up---I have tears brimming as I write this because I am so conflicted, so worried, so confused and concerned, but all I can do is try to express myself and hope it helps me get a bit of better grip, so please bear with me!
*psyching myself up*
During our visit we heard chatter about the upcoming move. My parents have had a realtor (or a gaggle of "realtor ladies" as they refer to them) check out the house and apparently after a bit of painting, a few new doors, and a few other little projects they'll have it up for sale.
It's a little emotional thinking about my childhood home going into a stranger's care but the sadness that plagues me seems to have more to do with my concern for my parents making a productive move, a healthy change. When I heard my sister and mother talking about large split level homes I became worried about their future. My father seems to be thinking the same direction as me, smaller, less work, paying off some things off-not moving into an equally large if not larger home to make room for my sister to have as separate a living space as possible... uh, WHAT!?
I know my sister is in the shit and needs the extra help but do they expect to help her raise this child forever? I don't want them jeopardizing their retirement buying some big ass house and giving themselves extra stress with some large yard to take care of just because my sister happens to be living with them at the moment. I'm sure as soon as she can afford it she will jump ship to her own place.
When I can think a bit more clearly I tend to think, Of course they are aware of this, Dad even mentioned 55+ neighborhoods and townhomes, you don't have anything to worry about, they are the "adults" they'll take care of themselves, don't worry, but the anxiety still clings to my heart as anyone with anxiety will know.
It doesn't make much sense, but I feel compelled to voice my worries to them as I can't seem to quiet them but I also feel that it is quite inappropriate. Speaking with my father and the hubster around the card table while my mom and sister did baby things, it seems like my dad is geared toward trying to make a smart move to a smaller place, lower maintenance, travel friendly, paying off what they can etc. That is reassuring to me but hearing my mother and sister talk about the move like they were freaks me the hell out! *sigh*
My other worries have to do with my sister and the baby. My nephew is four months old and doesn't seem quite up to speed. They say he smiles but we've never seen it and his movement seems... off. I don't know if it's just the giant gourd or what (his head is definitely 100th percentile).
She is affectionate towards him but at times ambivalent and annoyed, to some degree that's totally normal but I also worry if it's a bonding issue or postpartum setting in or both but watching the baby and her and my parents and the whole awkward situation was quite distressing. Listening to my sister on the phone with her baby's daddy was upsetting because of the dysfunction and her seeming unconcern with leaving her child with him and his family for Easter... maybe my standards are just different.
It puts my stomach in knots thinking of that dude. I think he might be twenty now but not more than that and the way they spoke (or from what I heard on my sister's end) doesn't bode well for this "family's" future. He was a virgin when they met, they supposedly weren't "doing anything." He grew up in a heavily Christian family and was spoiled, "never held accountable for his actions" as my father puts it and apparently the boy's parents blame my sister for the entire thing. Don't get me wrong, she has her fair share of responsibility, but this dude is just as much a part of the clusterduck* as she is!
So. These are the things that are bearing down on me of late. Things that I cannot do anything about, things that worrying over is quite useless, things that don't have a lot to do directly with me as it goes anyhow! But I struggle. Hopefully this post will help me :o)
*trying to work on my cussing ;o)