Baby Bananaface Update

Well, he ain't no baby no more! We're talking about a 9 year old, folks. He's got his own sass and style and already hates homework and wants a job so he can "do something useful" and make money. We have him in an accelerated learning program in school and he's doing enrichment work outside of school to stay on top of math and reading skills. He's a whiz, but he doesn't always feel that way. He loves LEGO, Pokémon, and goofy TV shows. 

He's also got some struggles and we're trying to learn more about how he's wired, so he's going to have an assessment for autism and anxiety in September. He's already been diagnosed with ADHD and has meds and accommodations at school for that. I've heard from some that "we're all atypical somehow" and that diagnoses don't matter, but for us it seems like it might help better understand and assist BB in learning life skills. 

We realize that he's a borderline case. Perhaps subclinical. That said, autism keeps coming up in conversations around BB. Whether it was work friends, caregivers, near-strangers, family, or just the hubs and myself-it keeps on coming up. So we're addressing it. Hell, maybe it's anxiety or just ADHD being more extreme than we think, but we hope to find out for sure. 

The meltdowns and gut issues, some issues with social cues and struggles with transitions are some of the red flags for us. Some of those can also be related to ADHD, including his hyperfocus (good and bad sometimes). 

So. That's where we're at. Just considering another diagnosis for BB has made me even more patient and helped me be more understanding. It's tough to stick to routines (it made up a huge chunk of my extended visit to WA state this year), but it's worth it. I'm reading about autism and learning already. I think it's helped me parent BB better regardless of what the doc says.

Side note/separate update: BB is having the time of his life with our two cats. I'm so glad we brought them into the family and enjoy them myself, but they are the hubs's and BB's cats for sure. The black and white bonded to Hubster from the get-go, and the silver is BB's soul mate.

Ya give your family heart disease, why not the ducks?

Slept in til 11 but feeling better overall today. Decided to wrap the baby on and take a little stroll to the park. It's sunny but cool, just how I like it.

Unfortunately saw flagrant park violations that dampened my mood; off leash dogs and people feeding the ducks. My mood perked up when I saw the eagles and heard one of the adults screeching to their young as it alighted in their nest tree.

Yesterday my mom and brother came to visit. It was a pretty decent visit though not without its awkwardness. My brother pissed off the hubster by playing "Ticket to Ride" to make other people lose instead of playing to win. I think the hubbo was primed to be pissed off since he doesnt appreciate my brother's everpresent sarcasm. With my mom things went a little smoother now that I expect her to only talk about herself and my sister and not listen to me. Still felt the sting of disppointment but it didnt burn as bad as usual.

She did say something that bothered me at the end of the visit. Instead of "okay we're taking off" she said "we'll get out of your hair." Sounds like some gaslighting/passive aggressiveness to me! Hurts not being able to communicate well but hurts less recognizing the dysfunction and not blaming myself.

Lactation consultant tomorrow, the hubster is gonna meet me there since it's right between our apartment and his work (same building as the birth center) and we want to get everything out and be on the same page as far as whatever treatment she suggests. Boy, I hope she has some ideas I havent found myself!

In other news, we've decided to take Millie to the shelter before our move at the end of the month. She had another pissing incident and we're not willing to prioritize cat needs over family matters at the moment. Took one piss too many that cat!

Iroh is hobbling along but we are discussing when he may need to be put down. He doesnt seem like he's in too much pain, still eating and sauntering but we feel like the time is nearing. I feel bad that a lot of our decision is simply shifting priorities and not wanting as much on our plate. He's not too much work at the moment but we definitely arent gonna draw out his dying.

Fio is doing well, gassy as hell as usual but a good family dog. Sometimes he leaves his bones in the way or sits on Baby's tummy time mat but overall he respects the baby bubble and has been doing very well.

Hell Day

The hubster calls days like today "growth spurts" but I call them "hell days."

This morning the baby was awake for 3 hours straight. If he wasn't putting my nipples to the test he was spitting up, if he wasn't spitting up he was filling yet another diaper and during it all he was fussing, crying, or straight up pounding me with his little big baby rage fists. I lost track of how many diapers and onesies and burp clothes we went through, but it was a disheartening number!

I was able to get a bowl of cereal in, sneak a piece of banana bread, but I didn't get enough food, I couldn't refill my water bottle, I barely had breaks for the bathroom. Eventually I started to lose my sanity a bit and just let him cry while I showered but that attempt to shore up my mental reserve wasn't enough to prevent a full on sobbing breakdown around noon while on the phone with the hubbo.

Somehow the baby went down during that phone call (stupid menfolk, it's like a rule of nature things get better just as they show up) and the hubster drilled it into me to eat. I got a sandwich down and half a can of sparkling water before Baby woke up. Up 3 hours and then only sleeps for maybe 45 minutes!?

He was up and down for the next hour before crashing around two. At that point all I could do was sit and stare at cartoons with Baby snoozing on my chest. I was pretty tired and afraid to move in case he started up again but I think most of all my brain just shut down. Making any kind of decision was out of my capacity.

When the hubster got home from work he took Baby, fed and watered me before the next cycle. I fed the baby yet again and then left him with Dad so I could nap-a good hour's worth before waking up to another feeding.

I really think the CIA should just give prisoners a baby to take care of instead of torture; they'd have guys talking in less than a day and they'd be giving parents a well deserved break!

On top of it all my rib pain (what we thought was a pulled ab muscle may actually be a rib out of alignment, TBD) was worse today. It's starting to creep around to the back and despite using an ice pack, a heating pad, and arnica gel throughout the morning I'm still feeling the ache. Not exactly what I need on a day like today.

OH-and I wanted to punch Fio in the face earlier. He barked at our neighbors as they stomped up the stairs and woke the baby. Another unnecessary "topper" for my day. I totally understand how pets end up in the shelter after a new baby arrives...

One hour at a time. Over and over. Let's hope tomorrow this carousel ride has a different tune.

One Week Later

It's been a week now. A week. I can't tell if it feels like two weeks or two days but we're managing somehow.

I'm definitely feeling the choppy waves of hormones and "baby blues." My depression memories make any downward dip extra scary but I think I'm staying within the realm of normal with symptoms including feeling emotional, easily tearing up/crying, lack of appetite, and feeling overwhelmed. The lack of appetite is pretty frustrating. I've had to force myself to eat and nothing ever seems to "sound good," but it helps my mood when I do eat.

The ups and downs have been crazy. Going from over-the-moon in love with baby, feeling in sync with the hubster, and flooded with gratitude to feeling overwhelmed, isolated, and unsure of myself to the degree that I wonder "what was I thinking having a baby?!" Of course, that's all normal, but when it's going on inside your own head it's hard to maintain perspective.

Adding to the tumult I got some texts from my mom about going south so the neighbors can meet baby. Cue the tears. Totally overwhelming. We are really close with these neighbors so it's not unexpected but the pressure (however slight) tumbled me.

My feelings of insecurity had salt rubbed in them and my mood crashed. Should I be traveling with baby already? Should I be doing more chores? Walking farther? And then all the "don't knows" about breastfeeding, cord stumps, baths, rashes, meds crawl out of the woodwork to pile on the agony.

It's been a roller coaster.

Even with the downs I know it hasn't been all bad. The hubster and I have been closer than ever and very grateful for each other. Sharing laughs and basking in the unknown together has been a beautiful experience. I have felt exceptionally close to Baby but find myself sideswiped by feelings of apathy or mild resentment after especially long or fussy feedings-or a 3rd blowout in less than 24 hours! Still, I know it's normal. I know I'm in love even if those feelings are obscured by momentary frustrations.

And with that I'll share some more pics of this new love of mine...

I still haven't compiled a birth story but it's on my radar. I will post it when I get around to it... Still getting settled and still processing some feelings, but definitely want to review it all!

In other news, Fio has been with my parents this past week while we have been adjusting to parenthood. Millie and Iroh have been doing pretty well as pet-siblings, though Iroh has jumped up on the bed and walked over the baby while I'm trying to nurse a couple times. Not to mention trying to eat my sandwich while I was nursing... He just might be on my shitlist! Merf!

Pet Post

It's been a while since I've posted many pictures other than pregnancy shots and I can't remember when I posted about the pets so here is a little guilty pleasure pet post! 

The cats are pretty independent so Fio and I spend quite a bit of time together during the day, which may explain why I have the most pictures of him. This picture is from a few weeks back when he got a new rawhide bone-it hasn't lasted long! There is a nub of one end left so a couple of evenings' good work and he'll have it finished. I didn't think miniature poodles were destructo-dogs but this guy has proven he is bad to bones! ;)

Even if he's a destructive little bugger (we have one stuffy devoid of fluffy guts floating about the house and one ready to be completely disemboweled as well in addition to his nearly destroyed rawhide) he's also a cuddler and loves naps (which works great for me). I don't let him up on the couch very often but this picture is from one rare instance when I invited him up for a snuggle!

It hasn't always been smooth sailing, but the three pets have found peace-at least on sunny days. Fio and Millie will play chase sometimes and all three seem to enjoy barging into the bathroom whenever the door isn't securely shut and there is a vulnerable (AKA seated) victim to be bombarded for pets. They're also devoted co-beggars at the dinner table though Fio will throw any pet-sib under the bus for a table scrap.

Lately, Millie has been enjoying her daytime naps on the bed amid all my extra pregnancy pillows. In fact, she enjoys the pillows so much she's taken to sleeping on me when I'm sleeping with them! Rather interesting waking up with my legs pinned and Millie-the-jailer staring at me with a "well what did you expect?" look. As long as she doesn't start peeing on me I think we'll be okay sharing pillows for a bit longer ;)

Unfortunately I don't have any photos of Iroh to share though the hubster did take a little video of him recently. Iroh turns 13 this month and I think the video was an attempt to insure the eldest pet is memorialized properly!

Even though Iroh is getting up there in years he doesn't seem to be slowing down much. He's been holding steady with his achy hips and thyroid meds, still active (for his age), eating and drinking well. The only fly in the ointment is this annoying wormy issue!

Busy Busy Busy

Saturday was our baby shower so last week was last minute errands and then the trek south. Thankfully we were pretty prepared with a plan of attack and lists of supplies to be purchased right before the shower but it was still tiring. 

I had my usual pre and post event anxiety (with the post event fallout being worse, as usual) but overall I think things went really well. We had exactly 24 people which meant exactly 6 tables for BUNCO which was exactly what we had prepped for! We got RSVPs from many people but there was still an element of mystery so I was very surprised when our estimate was right on. 

Our Costco food plan went over well and the party went pretty smoothly. We had a great time playing BUNCO and while I'm not a huge fan of opening gifts playing gift bingo seemed to help distract from the awkwardness. 

I think the gifts were a huge source of anxiety for me. Before the shower I was worried about getting what we need for baby and after the shower I was worried about getting what we need. Ha! Lots of cute stuff of course but not a single pack of diapers and only one pack of wipes! My mom and the hubster reassured me that our baby will be taken care of and on a rational level I understand that but the pre-birth anxiety, hormonally crazed, control freak Hannah level resists all convincing.

That said we brought home our first box of Costco diapers and wipes last night :) The wittle diapers are so wittle! I told the hubster he had to check them out and he pulled one out and said, "They're so cute. They're so fucking cute." Haha He also insisted on getting the "Frozen" themed baby wipes. That's my man! Kinda funny since we watched the movie once and weren't that into it, but Disney is Disney.

In other shower-related news my sister wasn't able to attend but gave me a call and heads up and even sent a little card saying she wished she could be there and wishing us love. I would've enjoyed having her but it worked out so perfectly with who showed up and her giving me notice leaves me very un-bothered :)

On the other hand, my "best friend" did not show and did not give notice despite having texted me the night before the shower. I'll admit I wasn't at my finest communication-wise since it was past 8:30 and I was playing a game with the fam but it was one of those conversations (as much as texting is a conversation) that goes on for half an hour without saying anything at all. I was annoyed enough by that but then to realize she blew me off after talking about being there for so many months doesn't sit well with me. 

Funnily enough I didn't even notice her absence until my mother-in-law or somebody at the shower asked about her. Whoops. I guess we've grown more distant than I initially thought! Ever since that doomed visit in October and the subsequent realization that I put out too much without getting enough back I've been withdrawing my commitment to our relationship. I still feel guilt pangs but I think I have a case and it seems like a natural development. Our lives are diverging and have been for some time. It's scary to release one of the only friends I consider myself to have but I try to remember that there is opportunity for new friendships in the future, I just can't see them yet.

In other news, I'm on to weekly midwife appointments and feeling more preggers than ever. Just when I think the belly can't grow any rounder it does and new stretch marks pop up or existing ones seem to expand like they're in a carnival funhouse mirror! I've been feeling zings and zangs in my pelvis and baby's putting more and more pressure on my bladder. Rolling out of bed keeps getting more complicated too.

Overall, it's more of the same. The only thing that I've been worried about is weight and diet. The hubster and I are exhausted and my mood swings have been throwing him for a loop so our usually mild bickering has become more toxic and frustrating. Thankfully we are conscious of the issue and trying to work through it but it's got me stressing and concerned and bombarded with comfort food impulses. I only ate one corndog and half a pint of Ben & Jerry's this week but considering how well I've been eating that is definitely a sign of the times! 

I suppose it's only natural to feel at the end of your rope when you've made it this far into a pregnancy. We're both ready to be done, even if we're not quite sure what we're getting into once the baby is out!

Oh, in other-other news the pets will be getting a round of flea treatments and the house will be worked over before we take all the pets in for more worm treatments. We thought we nipped it in the bud but now the vet tech is thinking we have tapeworm not roundworm (so what was the point of the fecal sample testing, may I ask?) and they all have to go in for a shot of some kind. We don't have a flaming flea problem, the pets don't even seem that itchy, but it's been such a mild winter, who knows? I haven't seen any but then again, they are fleas.

Here's a pic from this weekend with my pumpkin :)

Feelin' Real Pregnant

It's difficult for me to make statements sometimes, such as judgements about my status, even though I may be an authority. I think it has to do with my self-esteem issues and years of abdicating authority, but by golly I feel pretty compelled to say I'm feelin' pretty durn preggers.

Immediately my mind rallies against this statement with thoughts like, "it's only going to get worse" or "you think you're pregnant now, just wait a few weeks." Any and all undermining comments that a real life bitch would volley in my direction, I seem to take care of myself.

Yes, I know that while I may be experiencing late pregnancy now the symptoms will only continue to escalate up until birth but that doesn't negate my current experience does it? For so long I've suppressed my feelings and opinions because of the awareness that I "don't have that much to complain about" or "other people have it far worse" but that's really just a invalidating bad habit.... right?

It's complicated and I'm still mulling over these thoughts (it's all pretty convoluted in my brain) but I think the right direction is owning my experience and sharing my thoughts and feelings regardless of the minimizing impulse I feel. So here goes....

I'm pretty sure this baby is migrating south. The past couple weeks have involved increasing pressure on my bladder (and more potty breaks) and a "zingy" sensation in my pubic region. I think it's referred to as "lightning crotch" in some circles and is caused by baby hitting certain nerves as he/she lowers further into my pelvis.

My cowboy-monkey waddle is getting more dramatic after longer periods of sitting or lying down. I'm sure I still waddle when I've been standing for a while but those first few minutes after sitting on the couch for a bit feel extra-crazy. Like sumo-stance/waddle/pubic bone explosion crazy.

I've also noticed that my once-a-day fiber supplementation is no longer cutting it. Not exactly joyous news but I've upped my fiber intake and it seems to be helping. On a similar note, I seem to be able to eat more-for a while I thought my portion capacity was limited and now I seem to have more room for food and am able to breathe more deeply (double yay!).

Not exactly a sign of baby moving down but of the end drawing near may be some anxiety of late, very specific anxiety focused on the hubby.

His work routine involves waking up shortly after 5 AM to get to work by 6 AM and lately I've been waking up, anxiously listening to him leave and then tossing and turning for hours trying to get back to sleep. More and more often I find myself haunted in these early hours by a fear or anxiety that he won't come home or simply dwelling on the fact that he's left. My rational mind can't make sense of it, it's simply a strong emotional blip on my mornings of late. I thought it would go away after last week (his first week back at work after the holiday break) but I guess not.

Well, that's a picture of pregnant Hannah at the moment. Oh! I should also mention my current pregnancy food fad... The hubbo and I got a joint birthday present from his parents (a panini press/griddle thing) and I took the opportunity to make one of my favorite sandwiches from Panera (one of my first jobs was at a Panera).

It's called a Sierra Turkey and is normally a cold sandwich but I like them grilled. Asiago bread, turkey, spring greens, red onions, and a spicy chipotle mayo. I've made quite a few at home now and have been adding a bit of cayenne to the mayo for extra kick (this baby sure loves spicy). Ahhh. Makes pregnant Hannah a happy pregnant Hannah :)

In other news, I've been trying to cut back on the sweets and super refined stuff in an attempt not to produce an overly chubby baby. At my last appointment the midwives said baby seems to be on the "high side of normal" size and cautioned against ice cream every night or lots of white, refined foods (not that I've been on a sweets bender just a little surge over the holidays). No news there but a little difficult lately since I've been craving comfort foods and they aren't exactly the highly nutritious variety!

Went on a walk for the first time in a long time, just me and Fio. It has been so gorgeous the last few days I had to get out there and enjoy the sunshine and blue skies. Fio was a bit of an a-hole, yanking and barking and lunging and generally making me want to tie him to a stop sign and walk off until he calmed down (no I don't actually do that-EVER). By the end of the walk he calmed down quite a bit and we had a memorable moment on the home stretch when a hummingbird hovered above us and chirruped rather noisily and scared Fio. It was pretty funny. That tiny bird sure put that fiesty poodle in his place! Even as we walked away the loud chirps made Fio's ears perk.

Millie and Iroh are doing well though I've noticed Millie is turning into quite the schmoozer. She didn't used to be such a treat hound but lately she's been working the circuit, gunning for the crunchy treats and the wet food. Gonna have to watch her or she'll balloon up! Guess she's not a kitten anymore, they grow up so fast :) Iroh certainly reaps the benefits of her newfound cat-ness haha

Thanksgiving-Done!

Been feeling busy lately so blogging has fallen by the wayside a bit. Between ornaments and self care and trying to get quality time in with the hubbo the days have been coasting by pretty quickly-and now it's nearly December!

Last week things got a bit rocky for me... I mentioned before how the personalizing has been getting to me and last week I started out weak. Monday I came to work with a load of anxiety which was only made worse by the atmosphere that day. By Tuesday I was feeling pretty fragile and the infant CPR class we attended that night seemed to put me over the edge.

I think it was partly the instructors nonchalant, sarcastic, "your efforts are futile" attitude but also the fact that we shelled out twenty bucks for what I considered a disappointing and offensive class. What kinda guy thinks talking about dead babies to a room full of about-to-pop moms-to-be is a good idea!? We're already tweaking!

Even though I was rationally aware of the anxiety inducing pitch of his presence and the frustration I felt regarding the money (as nominal as twenty bucks is, you know me, a nickel on the wrong day could be a trigger) I couldn't prevent the excruciating slide into panic mode. That night I was crying and anxious and overwhelmed.

I didn't work that following day and even opted to work from home the day after that. The time away from additional stress definitely helped though I hated to raise alarm bells and have people worried about me (though in my mental state it seemed they were just worried about the workhouse disappearing and not so much my well being). In the end I'm glad I isolated and healed up a bit before returning to work. Thankfully that Friday and the weekend was pretty slow and this week was a short work week since we left for Thanksgiving at the in-laws Wednesday morning.

The drive to Pasco wasn't quite arduous but definitely uncomfortable and slow going. I needed 4 pit stops on the way (North Bend, Ellensburg, Yakima, Prosser) and 3 on the way back (should've taken more, by the time we got home I loony and achy and done for!). I'm glad we weren't planning to make the drive for Christmas this year, I'd be crying already!

I wasn't a huge fan of sitting elevated on the donut pillow the entire drive but it really did save me. It couldn't save me the aggravation and pain of Fio's psychotic barking at every stop. I was starting to go dog-crazy he was so piercing and noisy.

Overall our visit went well though I was definitely low-energy. I spent a fair amount of time with a heating pad battling shoulder and back ache and a noticeable amount isolated in cooler areas because I was burning up in the heated house. At one point I sat outside reading with Fio on my lap to cool down and at others I shut myself up in the guest room we stay in with the window open. I thought I was running hot but nothing like this!

Baby is definitely getting bigger and stronger, kicking against mugs of tea and rolling around in there like some Cirque do Soleil act :) I'm feeling the increasing weight and pressure though my overall weight is still on a very slow incline (I'm at about 13 lbs gained overall).

Emotionally I've been feeling more ups and downs. When I'm tired and achy I feel overwhelmed and not ready for baby but when I'm energetic and relaxed I feel excited to meet him/her. My baseline anxiety is still up but recognizing it as a pregnancy symptom helps me manage the waves of negativity.

Getting excited for the holidays but also wary of the next 3 weeks of ornaments. A short burst of craziness but I feel vulnerable this year and I'm already balking under the pressure and Cyber Monday hasn't even hit. Guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time... Those weekly massages sure help.

In other news, Millie didn't take our Thanksgiving trip too well. She was upset (crawled in a corner and mewed, shying away from pets and treats) when we left and took a while to get back to normal when we returned. Iroh, of course, was totally fine. Munching kibble and rubbing legs as we left and when we returned.

Fio. Well. Fio and I aren't exactly best friends at the moment. Maybe once my ears stop ringing I'll be able to enjoy his company more ;)

A Tough Tuesday

It's been a tough Tuesday. I was so tired this morning (I think I overdid it yesterday with the walk, yoga, cleaning, etc.) and I think it really set me up for a bad fall this afternoon. The trigger? Some kinda worm crawling around Iroh's furry ass. Lovely, I know, but that disgusting stressor pushed me over the edge and now I'm swimming in negativity and loneliness.

Initially I was angry about the worms thing, as if Iroh has some sort of maniacal plan to mess with my life! Then I was freaking out because I'm pregnant which turned into a Google session which turned into a cleaning session when I should've been having a snack session. Next thing you know I'm lightheaded and crawling around the bedroom floor to fetch Saltines from my nightstand.

The Saltines didn't exactly do the trick so I wobbled out to the living room. The hubbo was doing his own thing, intermittently checking in on me (he later claimed "what more could I do") while I felt neglected. He did fetch me an applesauce but that didn't help much. Eventually I managed to get enough gusto to stand up and make some ramen to hold me over til dinner.

It was upsetting feeling so ill but I think the communication breakdown between the hubster and myself was most upsetting. I knew from the moment he got home (in the midst of my WORMS! freak out) that he felt neglected but in my panic I thought he would understand if I didn't ask about his day as I got caught up in frantic vacuuming. While he was holding that against me I was holding his lack of sympathy for my panic against him which shaped up to a horrible climax of mutual frustration and neglect by dinner time.

We talked, or tried to talk, but didn't really resolve anything. I still feel lonely and upset and we ended up spending a lot of the evening "alone" in the same room. I went to bed early but couldn't sleep and now I'm out in the living area with a case of heartburn and sadness. I tried to cry but couldn't. It really feels like a depressive episode I just don't know how bad it will get. I seem to have acknowledged it which may help head off complete meltdown but it doesn't always work that way...

Tomorrow I will have to get back on the self-care bandwagon and really police my thoughts (I've been having lots of isolation/loneliness mulling and put downs) and see if I can head this off. I really don't want to have to deal with a really dark episode just when I start to feel my baby kicking (Yes! I feel little Inchy for certain now, quite the swimmer!). Funny how pregnancy is such an amazing, life-affirming time yet can be riddled with such darkness. Did I mention that I've never thought about death more than while I've been pregnant? And that's counting the suicidal episodes!

I'm still working in my thoughts from the birth, another impact on my mood I'm sure. Everything went "fine" but there were some things that didn't sit well with me... I guess between the mental impact and the physical impact it's no wonder I'm feeling vulnerable.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Curious

My entire "Reading List" through Blogger has disappeared. Maybe this is what other Blogger bloggers mean when they abstractly refer to "issues with Blogger" before jumping ship to another service. Many moons ago the hubster tried to introduce me to WordPress but it didn't take. 

I remember one of the blogs that I regularly read but I have yet to refill all my "follows." I may never regain the list as I don't remember all of them! Maybe I'll find some new ones. I am slightly annoyed and befuddled but overall not too upset. Sometimes I fantasize about a fire wiping out all my possessions so I don't have to fret about what to keep and what to toss, I guess a Blogger glitch is close enough.

In other news, I played a (kinda mean) game with Fio today. 

Not sure if I've mentioned it before but he has "blankies." As in, he picks a favorite blankie that we get for his crate and he humps, sucks, nibbles, and drags this blankie around with him for months on end until we eventually have to throw it out (his current blankie is near the end of it's life and looks like it's been attacked by moths or pirahnas). 

Well, he gets possessive of this blanket so I decided to play a little game whereby I took the blankie and made him wait to go get it back. The catch was that he would have to calm down before I would let him go to his blankie. Little did I know that it would take him damn near half an hour to completely give up, lay down and stop whimpering, rolling around, crawling toward, sneaking around, and otherwise begging for his blankie. 

Yeah. It sounds pretty cruel. But it was an interesting experiment and I felt like it was important to exercise dominance over the beloved blankie since he can get a bit territorial if the cats sniff or walk too close to it. 

Dogs!

Not Sleeping.... Typing

Today was odd.

Odd that for the 4th consecutive day my FAM temperature is the exact same. Odd that I was wide awake at 5:30 AM until nearly 7:00 AM. Odd that I stayed in bed with the dog, wide awake, until I fell asleep after quieting my 7:37 AM alarm and stayed in bed until 11:00 AM.

Once I got out of bed my day took off. Pilled the cat, fed the cats, fed the dog, ate brekkie, drank water, walked the dog, crafted extensively, cleaned up thoroughly, made dinner, went for a walk with hubster and dog, watched a movie, got IcyHot on my eye, endured backache, chatted about preconception appointments with the hubster, cried, and now I'm awake, typing with a heating pad pressed to my back and perusing the internet for articles on obesity and pregnancy.

A full day.

Tomorrow I go to the ND for a follow-up about my lab test (thyroid, metabolic, CBC, vitamin D screenings) and also some preconception questions. The main concern is my weight and maintaining proper nutrition, especially iron and folic acid levels. Does that mean we're going to start "trying" soon? No. I'm just a worrier and a planner. Maybe it's better to call it a pre-preconception appointment!

In other news, spring is sweeping into our corner of the country. Sticky pine projectiles litter the sidewalks and cling tenaciously to Fio's fuzzy ankles. Warm breezes and sunshine are sneaking into the forecast while heavy rain spells persist. The weather is invigorating and I've been feeling more active and encouraged. I hope this year the spring season will boost my healthy living efforts as has happened in the past, yet I have missed the last few years.

The pets are doing pretty well. Millie had a slobbery fit after her flea treatment was applied. Iroh was not concerned at all. Shocker. Fio got a bath and is delightfully fluffy, although the sappy pine bombs have curtailed his cleanliness.

Been feeling productive in the kitchen of late. I made some yummy stuffed peppers, baked banana bran muffins, and tomorrow am making my favorite soup, beef 'n barley. Later on I'm making a good ole fashioned pot pie-yum! So much better than frozen pot pie. I pity anyone who has never had homemade pot pie! One of our favorites.

While I've been able to reduce my coffee intake, chocolate intake has spiked lately... Two walks per day may be quite necessary!

Snow Day-February 8th

 Funnily enough I didn't notice the snow falling until my mom texted something about snow, then lo and behold! I look out the slider window and see flakes falling fast. Mind you, she lives about 2 hours south in a weird Bermuda triangle of weather activity-they'll get snow when no one else does, lose electricity when no one else does, or just the opposite! So if they have snow, I don't get my hopes up that I'll get snow, but this little snowstorm made it up to our neck of the woods.

Walks in the snow can be a bit uncomfortable, soggy pant hems, biting flakes hitting you in the face, and the constant anxiety that idiot drivers will mow you and your loved ones down at any moment. That said, I always get excited to talk a "snow walk" when we are blessed with a few inches of the stuff!

We tried to shield Fio from a coatful of icy moisture with his little yellow slicker but his nose accumulated a layer of snowflakes and his legs became matted with balls of ice. I think he enjoyed nibbling the snowballs off later though!





The lake had begun to freeze and gather snow but watery patches made it look like a "Dalmatian Lake." The next morning I snagged pictures of Millie watching the snow and our wedding prayer flags and the snow. So peaceful. You'd never know she hates the stuff! Or maybe the angle or hers suggests her disdain...

Change Of Pace

Tis the season for ornament work and I am feeling the adjustment period. I can't believe it's already been a year and that I was personalizing ornaments for over ten hours straight without losing my mind last season! This year I'm more aware of the breaking in period and feeling my tolerance grow while remaining aware of my self-care.

Yes, those snowmen are making
s'mores!

That said this past week wasn't a stellar example of personal responsibility. I was able to eat breakfast most days but failed to pack a lunch all week. I remembered a snack a couple of times and have been drinking water while I work, even calling it a day when I start feeling burnt out but before I go nuclear. I know things will only get busier, especially after Black Friday and Cyber Monday, so getting into a lunch habit now will help me prepare for the extra pressure.

Goal set! Lunch everyday at least three times this next week.

Resuming a regular work schedule isn't the only change of pace, I've been adjusting to post-IUD life and tracking my waking temperature for a new type of birth control.  So far I really enjoy it. 

That's an odd thing to say about waking up around 5:00 am everyday to take your temperature, but I have a special affection for "mystery prizes" like quarter machine toys or concealed design mystery items, so having a different temperature every morning satisfies a weird gambling/surprise/mystery urge for me.

The whole "natural birth control" thing is really Fertility Awareness Method, a similar type of birth control to Natural Family Planning although unlike devout Catholics, we're allowed to use barrier methods in addition to tracking fertility. The basic gist involves tracking my waking temperature to monitor ovulation habits and my general menstrual cycle habits as well as tracking cervical fluid to calculate potential fertility and in turn likelihood of pregnancy. 

My DO didn't have a lot of positive things to say about the practice, which I can understand. Every type of birth control has its limitations. For FAM to be effective users have to utilize sympto-thermal tracking and practice discipline when planning unprotected sex. Adding condoms to the mix improves effectiveness. 

As it is, we're on a condom regimen until we've had a few successful months of tracking and gained confidence in the FAM rules and methods. We just have to wait and see if this technique will work for us and if the non-hormonal birth control really improves my mood.

So far I've felt great! I don't think that can be wholly attributed to the IUD removal, but I don't think it hurts. Time will tell.

And I don't necessarily think my crying episode after sex earlier this week was a negative thing... Just out of the ordinary. We think it was hormones. 

Yikes! It was not pretty crying either, totally out of my control and my face contorted into a half-laughing, half-sobbing look that was pretty confusing for my poor husband. Not that I had a total grasp of the situation either.

I think part of it was me feeling guilty about changing up our birth control situation and placing more responsibility on the hubby. An IUD is pretty carefree as far as birth control goes! The hubster reassured me that he was supportive and that we are working together to manage our fertility. He even mentioned some positive changes in my mood since the removal. I felt better, I felt encouraged, and hopefully next time I won't end up sobbing!

As I said, time will tell.

In other news, the battle of the flea-splosion continues and we aren't exactly happy with the effectiveness of our flea treatments so far. Topical ointment and flea baths for the animals and still flea hitchhikers are being dropped all over the apartment. Looks like a second round of baths is coming our way and I'm not looking forward to it.

Feeling Changes

Today I was at my ornament gig personalizing ornaments and realized something wonderful.

I was sitting next to a scalpel and NOT concerned with it at all. Not a glimmer of self-harm on my horizon.

In past ornament seasons I've felt myself tempted by potentially harmful objects, my mind drawn to the possibility of self-harm. Sometimes I would wonder, "Do they have any idea how bad off I am right now? How can they trust me with this?" But today I recognized a change in this behavior, and I'm so happy.

I may not be totally out of the woods, but it's important to recognize positive changes. I know that the next couple months will be trying for me, exhausting and stressful, but I seem to be at a better starting place this year. I've even said "No" to personalizing beyond my personal wellness already, and hope to continue the practice! That's not to say I won't stay at work until 2:00 am again this year, but I'll try to take better care of myself and set limits.

In other news, the temperature tracking for FAM has been going well. I'm not sure if I'm experiencing a true period or if it's just a withdrawal from the progesterone, but so far that's going well too. Although I have been really focused on mac 'n cheese lately... and chocolate. Hmm. ;)

Iroh, Millie, and Fio are all recovering from flea treatment baths and we've been vacuuming the house trying to eradicate the last few visitors. So far we've avoided a major breakout but boy, this warmer fall weather really snuck those flea-bastards up on us. Thanks Mother Nature.

Nope, Still Here!

Had a couple births over the last few weeks and kinda got distracted from the blog.

Okay, that's not the only reason I haven't blogged but it's a big part of it. After a birth I'm usually out of things for a few days and August had two births crammed into it but I've also been hiding.

When I'm on top of taking my pills and supplements I use a weekly pill planner (two actually) and fill them weekly as I run out. Well after the first birth I didn't refill them and stopped taking most everything. After the second birth, I didn't refill them and still wasn't taking anything. I've popped a thyroid medication intermittently maybe twice a week but I've pretty much ceased all other supplements.

I kept it from hubster because I knew he wouldn't be pleased. I'm not very pleased with myself either!

The pills are one thing, but another down-on-my-health bother is my right hip. It's been bugging me for weeks now, usually only when I've been sitting on a hard surface for too long but occasionally after driving or even sitting on the couch.

I think it's because I've been so inactive and haven't been doing yoga for months now. At least that makes sense to me and I don't recall any injuries. Either way, it makes me hobble like an old crone until things unlock and start working again, thankfully it usually goes away with a few minutes of walking.

I seem to have aggravated my already annoying shoulder knot, but shoulder tension is a pretty regular part of my life so just a teensy more bothered by that lately! Need to suck it up and do some dang yoga already!

Otherwise, I've had a few down days but overall haven't taken a huge dip (thankfully). I know I'm walking the line and need to get my butt back in gear though, no need to tempt fate and the suicide gremlin (why yes, that's what I call it).

In other news, I went to British Columbia with my sister for a couple days this week and had a really good time. I sweated like a pig and stunk up the place but still enjoyed the trip and even the rain and thunderstorms (dang humidity I could've done without!).

Fio went to the vet and she deemed his recent scratching and skin irritation to be summer allergies that shouldn't need medication just the occasional Benadryl based on symptoms. Also said he should get a professional teeth cleaning next year and have his anal glands done soon. Lovely. That conversation led the hubby and I to this video:

We laughed and cringed. What mature pet owners we be!

Tired and Loopy

I have been on call for two clients and now I'm down to one!

This birth wasn't quite as long as the 4-day induction I attended at the beginning of the year, but I'm tired all the same and chuggin along a little slower, and a little off-center (well,  more so than usual).

There was a moment when I was tired and wondering if I should be a doula but those doubts faded fast with the miracle of birth and a couple of ego-boosting compliments from my client and one of the birth center staff.

The hubster was out of town the past couple days and I really missed him. As annoyed as I get sometimes sharing a bed I really don't like sleeping alone anymore!

In pet news, Millie hasn't pissed on anything for weeks! *knocksonwood* Iroh has some stunning bald patches and Fio seems to be following his lead and over-grooming above his tail as well. Oh the neurotic pets never let up, do they?!

A Walk

Fio and I just went on a mid-morning walk for the first time in a long time. It just kinda happened!

Still feeling blubbery (like the whale, not a hysterical female) and it doesn't help that I've been on an emotional roller coaster with the news that big changes might be coming into my life via my hubby's job and possible relocation. One of those possibilities is Wyoming.

 W Y O M I N G.

 It's sinking in how different that would be and it scared the crap outta me yesterday. But also intriguing and more sunshine.

Oh yeah, yesterday was my birthday too. It was good. Lots of flowers and cute cards.

I don't know if this was a sign but a crow just flew on the eave outside with a mawful of what looked like fresh guts. Not sure what I would glean from that-could be abundance, resilience, or death!

In medication news I've been tapering off Paxil and onto Lexapro and today will be my first *intentional day off of Paxil!

Kitty of the Week-Jones

This is Jones, whom I had the pleasure of meeting at PAWS this week. He is HUGE!

His tail is curled constantly and he has long legs and behaves almost like a dog. What a charmer and a sunny spot on my week.

1st Attempt @ Video Blogging

Yes. I like laying on the ground while I computer. For that matter, I like laying on the floor period... I'm sure some of you fellow floor-dwellers can understand that preference :o) 

Here's my first video blog EVER. I hope to refine this form of blogging and blog more often with this extra form of blogging expression. Definitely a challenge for me to talk instead of type! We'll see how this goes....

Much Needed Cuteness

PAWS Cuddles-Raisin, Cleo, and ... uhh that black & white one!

KITTEHS!

 Iroh's fashionista side, Millie doing her human sit and Millie getting trashed.