Pet Post

It's been a while since I've posted many pictures other than pregnancy shots and I can't remember when I posted about the pets so here is a little guilty pleasure pet post! 

The cats are pretty independent so Fio and I spend quite a bit of time together during the day, which may explain why I have the most pictures of him. This picture is from a few weeks back when he got a new rawhide bone-it hasn't lasted long! There is a nub of one end left so a couple of evenings' good work and he'll have it finished. I didn't think miniature poodles were destructo-dogs but this guy has proven he is bad to bones! ;)

Even if he's a destructive little bugger (we have one stuffy devoid of fluffy guts floating about the house and one ready to be completely disemboweled as well in addition to his nearly destroyed rawhide) he's also a cuddler and loves naps (which works great for me). I don't let him up on the couch very often but this picture is from one rare instance when I invited him up for a snuggle!

It hasn't always been smooth sailing, but the three pets have found peace-at least on sunny days. Fio and Millie will play chase sometimes and all three seem to enjoy barging into the bathroom whenever the door isn't securely shut and there is a vulnerable (AKA seated) victim to be bombarded for pets. They're also devoted co-beggars at the dinner table though Fio will throw any pet-sib under the bus for a table scrap.

Lately, Millie has been enjoying her daytime naps on the bed amid all my extra pregnancy pillows. In fact, she enjoys the pillows so much she's taken to sleeping on me when I'm sleeping with them! Rather interesting waking up with my legs pinned and Millie-the-jailer staring at me with a "well what did you expect?" look. As long as she doesn't start peeing on me I think we'll be okay sharing pillows for a bit longer ;)

Unfortunately I don't have any photos of Iroh to share though the hubster did take a little video of him recently. Iroh turns 13 this month and I think the video was an attempt to insure the eldest pet is memorialized properly!

Even though Iroh is getting up there in years he doesn't seem to be slowing down much. He's been holding steady with his achy hips and thyroid meds, still active (for his age), eating and drinking well. The only fly in the ointment is this annoying wormy issue!

Feelin' Real Pregnant

It's difficult for me to make statements sometimes, such as judgements about my status, even though I may be an authority. I think it has to do with my self-esteem issues and years of abdicating authority, but by golly I feel pretty compelled to say I'm feelin' pretty durn preggers.

Immediately my mind rallies against this statement with thoughts like, "it's only going to get worse" or "you think you're pregnant now, just wait a few weeks." Any and all undermining comments that a real life bitch would volley in my direction, I seem to take care of myself.

Yes, I know that while I may be experiencing late pregnancy now the symptoms will only continue to escalate up until birth but that doesn't negate my current experience does it? For so long I've suppressed my feelings and opinions because of the awareness that I "don't have that much to complain about" or "other people have it far worse" but that's really just a invalidating bad habit.... right?

It's complicated and I'm still mulling over these thoughts (it's all pretty convoluted in my brain) but I think the right direction is owning my experience and sharing my thoughts and feelings regardless of the minimizing impulse I feel. So here goes....

I'm pretty sure this baby is migrating south. The past couple weeks have involved increasing pressure on my bladder (and more potty breaks) and a "zingy" sensation in my pubic region. I think it's referred to as "lightning crotch" in some circles and is caused by baby hitting certain nerves as he/she lowers further into my pelvis.

My cowboy-monkey waddle is getting more dramatic after longer periods of sitting or lying down. I'm sure I still waddle when I've been standing for a while but those first few minutes after sitting on the couch for a bit feel extra-crazy. Like sumo-stance/waddle/pubic bone explosion crazy.

I've also noticed that my once-a-day fiber supplementation is no longer cutting it. Not exactly joyous news but I've upped my fiber intake and it seems to be helping. On a similar note, I seem to be able to eat more-for a while I thought my portion capacity was limited and now I seem to have more room for food and am able to breathe more deeply (double yay!).

Not exactly a sign of baby moving down but of the end drawing near may be some anxiety of late, very specific anxiety focused on the hubby.

His work routine involves waking up shortly after 5 AM to get to work by 6 AM and lately I've been waking up, anxiously listening to him leave and then tossing and turning for hours trying to get back to sleep. More and more often I find myself haunted in these early hours by a fear or anxiety that he won't come home or simply dwelling on the fact that he's left. My rational mind can't make sense of it, it's simply a strong emotional blip on my mornings of late. I thought it would go away after last week (his first week back at work after the holiday break) but I guess not.

Well, that's a picture of pregnant Hannah at the moment. Oh! I should also mention my current pregnancy food fad... The hubbo and I got a joint birthday present from his parents (a panini press/griddle thing) and I took the opportunity to make one of my favorite sandwiches from Panera (one of my first jobs was at a Panera).

It's called a Sierra Turkey and is normally a cold sandwich but I like them grilled. Asiago bread, turkey, spring greens, red onions, and a spicy chipotle mayo. I've made quite a few at home now and have been adding a bit of cayenne to the mayo for extra kick (this baby sure loves spicy). Ahhh. Makes pregnant Hannah a happy pregnant Hannah :)

In other news, I've been trying to cut back on the sweets and super refined stuff in an attempt not to produce an overly chubby baby. At my last appointment the midwives said baby seems to be on the "high side of normal" size and cautioned against ice cream every night or lots of white, refined foods (not that I've been on a sweets bender just a little surge over the holidays). No news there but a little difficult lately since I've been craving comfort foods and they aren't exactly the highly nutritious variety!

Went on a walk for the first time in a long time, just me and Fio. It has been so gorgeous the last few days I had to get out there and enjoy the sunshine and blue skies. Fio was a bit of an a-hole, yanking and barking and lunging and generally making me want to tie him to a stop sign and walk off until he calmed down (no I don't actually do that-EVER). By the end of the walk he calmed down quite a bit and we had a memorable moment on the home stretch when a hummingbird hovered above us and chirruped rather noisily and scared Fio. It was pretty funny. That tiny bird sure put that fiesty poodle in his place! Even as we walked away the loud chirps made Fio's ears perk.

Millie and Iroh are doing well though I've noticed Millie is turning into quite the schmoozer. She didn't used to be such a treat hound but lately she's been working the circuit, gunning for the crunchy treats and the wet food. Gonna have to watch her or she'll balloon up! Guess she's not a kitten anymore, they grow up so fast :) Iroh certainly reaps the benefits of her newfound cat-ness haha

Corn Sniffs

There is something special about corn on the cob boiling away on the stove. It just smells so good. So "summery." Of course, it's also in the 80s and boiling corn on the cob in our little kitchen is making our whole apartment feel like a Calcutta hostel but the smell is still delightful.

The heat has been getting to me-again. Yesterday I took a nap and woke up dehydrated and over heated. I stumbled around to the kitchen where I sipped water and tried to cool myself down with a wet washcloth but it took the hubster and a bag of ice to get me back to sensible.

I cannot wait until fall.

It's beautiful with the bright blue skies and shimmering lake, all the plants happily growing for the skies but without AC I'm miserable. I can enjoy weather in the low 70s but anything higher and I just wanna mope in a pool of cool water like a hippopotamus.

Who knows? We could have warm weather through most of September too! Yuck!

Well, if I can't enjoy the heat of summer at least I can enjoy the bounty. Corn and watermelon and such. And somehow lemonade just tastes better in the summer...

In other news, Millie killed a massive insect that got in the house this weekend. That thing cast a shadow. I could feel it banging around the ceiling it was so big! Took her nearly 30 minutes but she waited for her opportunity, smacked it into the wall, watched it skitter to the ground, and then pounced on it. Pawed for a bit and then carried it off to munch it down. She scares me sometimes.

Iroh has been enjoying the heat. I think it helps with the arthritis. He is such a slob though, laying in all the pine needles on the balcony with dried wet food on his nose and all his dandruff and scruffiness. If he were a human he would be a most interesting specimen.

Fio has been taxed by the heat much like me. Our walks our cut increasingly short as the temperature climbs. He starts slowing down, looking toward home and even laying down in whatever shade he can find until I cave in and reverse march to base.

My mood has been all right but I'm starting to feel the affects of isolation and getting lonely. We are going to my parents for a BBQ this weekend but I'm missing my best friend and wanting to have someone visit me up at my place so I can host. There is something different about having someone visit you instead of constantly visiting them. Maybe something about validation? Reciprocation? Whatever it is, I want it.

Kinda missing the age of the water sprinkler and kiddie pool, but that could very well be in our near future!

Warm Days

It's been nearly 3 weeks since my bad episode in late May. The marks on my arm are shiny pink and healing well, though the larger one may scar. Hard to tell. Sometimes the littlest things will scar on my skin and other times not. No idea what the rules are there.

I've been feeling in pretty good spirits but have had several days where I've been immensely tired. A nap or early bedtime is helping but it is odd being the one excited to hit the hay, that's usually the hubbo!

I've fallen behind on some housework but haven't seen any molds sprouting up so I'm giving myself a break. The more important thing is that I haven't self-harmed and I've been doing very well taking my thyroid and supplements.

In wellness news, I've managed to lose a little more weight and have been exercising at least every other day. The tiredness can complicate the exercise regimen but more often than not I just exercise and yawn at the same time.

Fio is well on his way to recovery after spraining his leg several weeks ago. He's still not 100% but he does use the leg more often and can jump and run again.

Iroh is also doing well in recovery. Still taking medication for his bladder infection but already looking much more chipper. We've also upped his thyroid medication and are helping him off the couch and things when we can as the vet says he has some arthritis in his hips.

Millie. Millie doesn't really have any problems and I'm a little on guard waiting for something to go wrong since both the other pets had issues recently! Although she still vomits all the time. Maybe she doesn't have concentrated issues but rather an eternal problem to bother us with?

The weather has been warmer and I have really enjoyed being a few pounds lighter. It doesn't make a huge difference in my overall appearance but it has made me feel a little more comfortable wearing t-shirts and skirts (down to my knee or lower as a rule!). The hubster and I are getting excited for camping and having a road trip planned for July already :)

Day by day, I'll get where I'm going...

Snow Day-February 8th

 Funnily enough I didn't notice the snow falling until my mom texted something about snow, then lo and behold! I look out the slider window and see flakes falling fast. Mind you, she lives about 2 hours south in a weird Bermuda triangle of weather activity-they'll get snow when no one else does, lose electricity when no one else does, or just the opposite! So if they have snow, I don't get my hopes up that I'll get snow, but this little snowstorm made it up to our neck of the woods.

Walks in the snow can be a bit uncomfortable, soggy pant hems, biting flakes hitting you in the face, and the constant anxiety that idiot drivers will mow you and your loved ones down at any moment. That said, I always get excited to talk a "snow walk" when we are blessed with a few inches of the stuff!

We tried to shield Fio from a coatful of icy moisture with his little yellow slicker but his nose accumulated a layer of snowflakes and his legs became matted with balls of ice. I think he enjoyed nibbling the snowballs off later though!





The lake had begun to freeze and gather snow but watery patches made it look like a "Dalmatian Lake." The next morning I snagged pictures of Millie watching the snow and our wedding prayer flags and the snow. So peaceful. You'd never know she hates the stuff! Or maybe the angle or hers suggests her disdain...

Taking Off Old Band-Aids

Over a month ago I received a F'book message from my cousin, M. I'm not sure quite how long it had been since we last saw each other but we guesstimated a year and a half. I think it had been nearly as long since I'd spoken to him or my aunt or vice versa, so definitely a bit of growing apart that so often happens in life.

I've written about my family dynamic a few times but it bears repeating or rehashing as I'm still in the midst of figuring all my feelings out and it's part of what is happening in my life lately.

Remembering my childhood I recall a lot of discussion about family. Mostly about how my immediate family wasn't very close to my relatives (usually as a response to me and my siblings' jealousy of other family units).

We saw my dad's side of the family a few times a year, and after my grandparents died usually only once a year at the family gift exchange and maybe at our family's 4th of July BBQ. We saw my mom's side of the family more often and the only relatives I recall ever "being close" to were my Aunt S and cousin M.

Aunt S and cousin M were the relatives I remember coming to graduations, seeing around the holidays, going to fairs with during the fall and summer, or just getting together with for games or a dinner party. M was the only cousin I remember really getting to know, being excited to see, or feel that knew me at all.

In addition to my blood family there are some close family friends that I consider family. My childhood neighbors R & I, and their daughter D and her husband P. My mother's best friend from college K and her children were like an extra aunt and cousins to me as well. My mother's teacher friend S and her family are also important to me and have been a great source of support for our family. For the most part I saw these people more often than relatives growing up.

I would say the status quo for my family involved seeing my Aunt S and cousin M several times a year, my other relatives a couple times a year, and my extra family friends often throughout the year. I remember being about 16 or 17 when I felt things beginning to change.

I don't know what the overarching story for my family was during this time, but for me I was growing up and getting new perspective (not accurate or good or bad, just new) and whether related or not, feeling and dealing with my depression for the first time.

From the middle of high school through college and even today I felt immense sadness for my Aunt S and for my family. With my depression and anxiety it quickly became overwhelming to see my Aunt S. I could not stand the sadness and despair I felt around her. Why so sad? Because my aunt is a chain smoker and killing herself. It sounds cliche but she has multiple surgeries under her belt, a cancer scare, difficulties walking and has never (to my knowledge) stopped smoking. Slowly I began to see less and less of Aunt S until we no longer knew how to talk to each other. It hurts me very much and I'm crying typing this, but that's what has happened. In turn, I saw much much less of my cousin M as well.

To complicate an already complicated transition period from childhood relationship to adult relationship, my other cousin J reappeared after nearly a decade absence. Where was he? Well, I had been led to assume he was in Bali but he was in prison. There was never a sit down discussion about this just secrecy, lying, and withholding information. In the end I found out from a friend of my aunt's, afterward that friend told my aunt what she had told me and Aunt S started talking about J like I knew the whole story, but she never told me herself. Eventually my mom apologized for not figuring out a way to tell me after I grew up (he initially went away when I was in grade school) but it's still a taboo and most of what she told me felt like a therapy session for her not a dialogue. So yeah.

I understand not telling the whole truth to a child, but withholding that information through high school and college, never discussing it... It really stung me. I suppose all the years I had been so close to my mom and aunt made it sting all the worse. Especially when the close relationship I had with my mom was a confusing codependency where I was sometimes made to feel like a companion or co-parent instead of a daughter, but that's a whole 'nother crazy story!

Basically, the relationship with my aunt and cousin started a downhill slide years ago was further complicated by my sense of betrayal over my invisible cousin J and then (from what I gather) further hindered by arguments and grudges between my mom, aunt, and their brother. What's all that amount to? A whole lot of distance, words unsaid, closeted feelings, and awkwardness.

So where does that put me today? Well, today I saw my cousin for the first time in over a year, maybe closer to two years. We walked Green Lake and caught up on each other's lives (he's moving out of the state soon and engaged to be married which kinda helped spur contacting me outta the blue) and while I tried to keep my cool, I cried a bit.

Things are still as confusing as ever. Our mothers aren't talking and he doesn't know what happened between them just as I have no clue. But solving our family's issues wasn't what I took from the visit. What struck me were the parallels between me and my cousin.

Both of us are in that marrying stage of life, he's engaged and I'm a newlywed. Both of us are working on ourselves, our emotional issues, our baggage, our relationships and thinking about kids. Both of us carry specific struggles with our moms, more precisely issues being typecast as "primary support person" instead of simply daughter or son. And both of us seem to desire that family we never had, or at least the family we miss having.

I wouldn't say there was any resolution to anything this afternoon, it certainly left me in an emotional tizzy! But I think it was important and valuable to see my cousin and have him tell me he loves me and tell him I love him too. I don't know where things go from here. All I know is I'm sad, I'm glad, I'm worried, I'm anxious, but I'm trying to simply be and remember that I can't help anyone until I help myself and I can't help anyone that won't help themselves first. M and I reiterated that numerous times today, "It's not our jobs to fix everything!" Ha!

Right now, I'm still reeling. I haven't had a therapist for a couple months now so sorting through my family issues had taken a back burner before being thrown in the fire today! But I've felt the sadness, worried about the relationship between my brother and sister and myself, wondered what type of support system my children will have, or I would have as a mother. I've felt lonely and today brought that back to the surface for me. Sure, it hurts and it makes me cry but I don't think it's a bad thing.

As an adult I've come to realize that families are always changing even though we like to think of them as stationary, reliable things they may actually be more like living, breathing entities. I can't say I know what a "functional" family looks like (then again, who does?) but I'm starting to see that a healthy family requires nourishment, exercise, and care just like any other living thing.

Feelings will be hurt, contact waxes and wanes, but love remains. A lot of families are out of practice, a lot of families don't quite have a language with which to conduct repairs and improvements, but the simple act of thinking, caring, and trying is worth the while. I may fail, I may be rebuked, I may be hurt, but the close family I want and miss isn't going to fall out of the sky. It's only as close as I'm willing to reach.

So I'll try. It may mean baby steps, it may mean popping a Xanax and charging into unknown territory, but I owe it to myself and the ones I love to try.

In other news, I saw Dave Matthews today without realizing it. Kind of a creepy moment while waiting for drinks at Starbucks. My initial reaction was, "Eek!" and thinking he was a hobo with a Dave Matthews complex wanting me to say he looked like Dave Matthews (had some grey-faced gauntness happening) but after the excited titters once he left I realized that was no hobo! That was Dave Matthews!

Fio goes to the groomer Friday bright and early (good grief I hope he kicks these "allergies" soon!) and Iroh has something funny stuck to his ear that I've yet to wash off (and the parenting award goes to...) and Millie came out of the catbox with litter on her nose recently. That pleased me, in a "ha, that's what you get!" sort of way. :)

Symptoms

In my last post I got a little off-track when I actually meant to talk about withdrawal symptoms.

I did mention the nausea haunting me all day off-and-on. It's the kind of stomach-sick that I feel when my vitamins might be starting to make me ill but with the sensation that vomiting won't resolve the situation.

When my vitamins make me sick (when I haven't drunk enough water or eaten beforehand) throwing everything up makes it better like that *snap* but this sort of nausea isn't easily resolved.

My appetite is sapped and I crave comfort foods but they don't help settle my stomach.

It just won't quit.

I've been trying to drink oodles of water and avoid anything too racy-even cut back my coffee intake.

Equally upsetting is the poo-factor. Happens to me every time I go on or off psychoactive drugs.

There is no real rule about how often people should be going #2-it varies from person to person and depends heavily on diet and individual metabolism. Traditionally, I'm a twice-a-week kinda gal and I don't begin to feel ill until it's been about a week to ten days between movements.

This is my life. The hubster is more of a twice-a-day kinda guy! But I digress...

Lately this has changed to three or more times a day. A DAY. Not pleasant.

All together my body feels like I'm being overtaken by flu although I will say that my energy level is up, not down!

Hopefully all these symptoms will wane in the next couple weeks and I'll be moving forward with different, more natural treatment.