August?!

Wowza. Summer is over soon! BB starts 5th grade (yes, you read that right) on the 18th and we will be getting into a whole new routine again.

Last week was frustrating and confusing at work. Things went pretty well and I was feeling pretty good about things until the end of the week when my boss didn't give me the time I needed with him to get his to-do list even partially attacked. He spent time talking about were to hang his degree and license and shit and talking about the podcast he wanted to do... "my clients love me" doesn't seem like it's going to last if you don't ever take care of them.

Anyways, I did have an interview scheduled for this Tuesday but I cancelled it. I don't think a car dealership is the place for me, but my friend says that they always seem to friendly to each other there that she thought it might be a good place for me. Maybe she was right, but I decided that things aren't too bad at work and the flexibility to take time off whenever I need (outside of tax season) is just too valuable for us as a family.

That said, it's very dysfunctional. I've found myself concerned more and more for one of my work friends and her verbally abusive boss/husband. Yes, I live in fear for myself and how long I can stay on the good side of these volatile accountants --- but she is regularly abused and put down and insulted and it's horrible.

My other anchor is about to quit if she doesn't get a raise or get to charge more for her services. I don't think the accountants are going to spring for it. Today she did six returns for only $450 because the boss gave the family a discount... a discount from $175 a return to $75 a return. He whisked away $600 without consulting her. 

In other news, I've been trying hard to change my eating habits to try and battle the nausea I've been dealing with. It does seem connected to what I eat and when and how much. I'm down a few pounds because of it apparently (it didn't feel like I'd lost weight until I weighed myself and I was under 220 lbs for the first time in.. a long time). A GI diagnosed me with silent reflux months ago and the Nexium equivalent was working for a while, but then the nausea came back. I had tried to change my eating and got rid of a lot of things, but it wasn't enough. I was even scheduled for an endoscopy when the hubs found a different provider that can provide a second opinion and slightly different approach to the whole thing.

So I'm seeing a nurse practitioner that specializes in gastro and then a gut-brain specialist and a dietitian as well for a multi-faceted approach instead of the traditional GI route. We shall see. I'm hopeful. Getting labs done Monday.

It's been so frustrating. I can't even eat half a sandwich with chips like I used to for lunch (and that was a half of what I used to eat before that). Every meal is smaller, I have to snack now, and I'm drinking water all day at work to try and help as well. None of my favorite spicy foods or onions. It's just a bummer for what I'm seeing results-wise. It's so hard to feel better about it when the good sign is the absence of something. Like... I have to notice, "Oh, I'm not nauseous" to feel good about things and I miss that element and then just feel angsty for all the changes I'm making.

It's like living life in manual instead of automatic now. Which is mindful and good in many ways, but I'm feeling bitchy about it. We also think going down on my Vraylar may be contributing. Either that or work stress. I've been... well, bitchier is a good word. Just lashing out and sassy and angry, not like me. So I'm seeing my psych this month too to talk about that as well.

Whew. Long post. Hope everyone is doing well! Just keep swimming... :o)

Honestly.

I had ECT this morning. Now, it's this afternoon and I'm recuperating on the couch, watching a movie called "50/50." If you haven't seen it, I'd recommend it-just, maybe not on a day when you're keenly aware of your own illness.

Not too long ago I paused the movie and lurched off the couch and creaked down the hall to the bathroom. The boys had been playing for a bit and somehow I couldn't put it together where they were... Mind you, we live in a three-bedroom apartment. 

Standing in that hallway there was an open door to our bedroom on my right, a closed door ahead of me, and an open door on my left to the bathroom. They weren't in our bedroom or the bathroom and I couldn't remember what was behind the door in front of me.

I couldn't visualize BB's room. I could hear the boys playing and I couldn't imagine where they were. I forgot where his bed was, the blue mini-trampoline by the toy box and his bookshelf. I could hear their voices and had no idea the space they inhabited, the physical plane where they existed, what they could possibly look like behind that door.

My breath caught and the tears came. I stifled sobs and ducked into the bathroom, collapsing onto the floor in the dark. My nose ran. I wiped away tears and tried to keep quiet. Sucking air as I scrambled onto BB's plastic IKEA stool, I swiped at the door until it was mostly closed and slumped against the cabinet.

I was sick. I am sick. 

It's not usual for people to forget what their son's bedroom-a room they're in everyday-looks like. It's not usual for people to be getting IV sticks more than ice cream cones. When I can't remember what I read on the gym whiteboard or any part of the Super Bowl that I watched with the hubs, my gym friend, and our sons... it's not average. It's not a personality trait. It's a side effect. 

I'm sick. I'm sick and there's no cure. I can-I have-achieved remissions. I won't always be experiencing such dramatic side effects. I'm still sick. I'm still hitting up the pharmacy more often than most people visit The Olive Garden or some shit... I mean, you should see my medicine "cabinet." Honestly, I should be upgrading my storage options, 'cuz it's a cluster, I tell ya what.

Honestly. That word. It's a tough one for me. I have a difficult time gauging what's "honest" and what's "dramatic." Maybe that's because sometimes the honest truth is dramatic. Well, I don't want to be dramatic and I want to honest, so not only am I writing this post-I'm sharing some pictures that I've only ever shown to the hubs (well, he's not even seen some of them!).

So. Here goes. Some pictures. And more about my experience of being sick-not that I'm nearly as sick as some people! I know that it could be worse. I just want to be honest about how bad it is. I think a lot of it's about admitting to myself what I'm feeling... I've been opening up to some gym friends lately and it's a little confusing being so "chill" when I'm feeling so bad some days-ANYWAYS. Here goes.

I'm just gonna do it. (might've shared some of these before, just so ya know)

Heading into ECT w/ my hair net.
We put gowns over our street clothes
& cram all our belongings into bright green bags
that they leave at the foot of our bed during treatment.
Sometimes I'm lucky and get the Bair Hugger!

I got a butterfly IV today. Really easy stick too!
Took a picture to taunt the hubby-

Guess it's all about perspective, eh?
He's not one for needles-

Annual blood work does him in.
Kind of lucky that
I'm the "sick" one in that way!

Coming out of ECT.
This seems like my uniform of late-
striped cap, green sweater, Crocs!
It looks like I've been crying, although
I'm usually just misty-eyed post-anesthesia. 

Recovering last week at my parents' w/ BB
eating "yee-gurt" and watching Olympics.

Today.
Hard to see the goop on my temple from treatment-it's there.
Watching a movie about cancer made my cap feel way more "sicky!"
Hurt pretty bad post-treatment today.
Worst in a long time.
Getting a bit better now.

Found this from last month.
I can't remember exactly-I think we went
to the ER. The hubs claimed that he called
ahead and that they "had a room." Later
he admitted that he didn't know, he just told me
so to get me to the hospital.
Smart man.

So, I'm lying on the couch with a mass pillows and extra soft couch blankets (we're "couch blankets" people around here) and posting all these pictures... I feel like I've said something and not enough. Earlier, those sobs, that pain, I really, truly, deeply felt it. Now I feel numbed again. "It's not that bad" again.

Tapped for now.

Thank you. Love and hugs and gratitude and smiles. I'm getting back to "my life" more and more, hopefully that means more blogging. Even if it doesn't quite yet, know that I think of you all!

Bonus pic:

Made it to 29!
First official (29 yrs) bracelet :o)
PS: Good game in the background!

Damn Dairy, Damn Inflammation!

I've felt like quite the crone the past few days!

My shoulders have been aching to no end, so much so that I've needed to ice, soak, and take breaks throughout the day. I suspect the extra pain might be related to extra awareness after my naturopath appointment Wednesday.

I mentioned I was interested in acupuncture (first appt. in a couple weeks!) and my doc did a quick exam on my back and shoulders and neck while we discussed the treatment. She confirmed that I did have some knots in my shoulders and also mentioned the my left side is more inflamed and sensitive, even that my achy shoulders relate to my occasional headaches!

I'm glad that I've started the process toward treating my painful shoulder tension but now that it's in the forefront of my mind the pain has been miserable.

A couple of bad days with anxiety over weight and clothes and socializing really notched up the pain and I've been in recovery mode since Thursday.

In addition to the shriveled shoulder feeling I've been battling my dairy demon.

After removing dairy from my diet for a week I really noticed a difference-and improvement-in my congestion and digestion. No post-nasal drip, phlegm, constipation, or runny nose!

That's the good. The bad is that the past few days I haven't been excising all the dairy in my diet and my body isn't likin' it! I've been hobbling around with achy shoulders, carrying a Nalgene, blowing my nose and clearing my throat. 

Funny how I can look and feel so sick without having a cold or flu or such!

Symptoms

In my last post I got a little off-track when I actually meant to talk about withdrawal symptoms.

I did mention the nausea haunting me all day off-and-on. It's the kind of stomach-sick that I feel when my vitamins might be starting to make me ill but with the sensation that vomiting won't resolve the situation.

When my vitamins make me sick (when I haven't drunk enough water or eaten beforehand) throwing everything up makes it better like that *snap* but this sort of nausea isn't easily resolved.

My appetite is sapped and I crave comfort foods but they don't help settle my stomach.

It just won't quit.

I've been trying to drink oodles of water and avoid anything too racy-even cut back my coffee intake.

Equally upsetting is the poo-factor. Happens to me every time I go on or off psychoactive drugs.

There is no real rule about how often people should be going #2-it varies from person to person and depends heavily on diet and individual metabolism. Traditionally, I'm a twice-a-week kinda gal and I don't begin to feel ill until it's been about a week to ten days between movements.

This is my life. The hubster is more of a twice-a-day kinda guy! But I digress...

Lately this has changed to three or more times a day. A DAY. Not pleasant.

All together my body feels like I'm being overtaken by flu although I will say that my energy level is up, not down!

Hopefully all these symptoms will wane in the next couple weeks and I'll be moving forward with different, more natural treatment.