Sickness

Still feeling sick, also feeling down. I'm frustrated with feeling so high maintenance and not feeling like my needs are being met. Had an appointment with my ND to check up on my thyroid and today I'm feeling overwhelmed and bad about myself. I feel bad about not eating well enough, about not taking enough supplements, about not exercising enough. Just bad. I've already spent the majority of my life so far feeling worthless and not good enough, is that going to be my story for the rest of my life?

I had the thought that I should find a new provider. Find someone who is realistic and positive, able to help me make good changes not just pile on should dos and skepticism. Part of me thinks that I should do this, and another part of me sighs and says "why bother?" I think I need to make changes, I just feel like I don't have the reserves to launch any new offenses. It's like my life is a war zone and I'm able to defend my little tiny reserve of sanity (with the occasional breech) but not able to make a push and take more ground...

In other news the hubbo and I made a wager. It's sick, but we make wagers and have bets regarding weird life things, like "if your dad says this during our visit then you when, if he doesn't then I win" or "I bet my mom will do this."

Well, this bet originated out of one of our conversations about my sister and I was imagining what it will be like visiting them once the baby arrives. The hubbo said something like, "what you wanna bet she'll have a c-section? I'm like 80% sure she will. I pretty much know it." The wager? Who gets to pick the design of an easy chair for the living room. We are a certain kind of twisted, aren't we?

Off to my 3rd cup of tea today... or is it the 4th? Whatever. Hot liquid is sooo necessary to me at the moment... Soothing hot liquid, you are my friend.

ND Appt.

Had my first appointment since having Baby with my ND to check up on my thyroid mostly but also talked about overall health.

My thyroid is way outta whack, which I didn't expect. I guess having it stay good throughout pregnancy I wrote off the hormone flux of postpartum. It totally didn't occur to me that some of my increased anxiety could be the thyroid but now I'm thinking it may be a contributing factor. So I'm glad I'm getting a different script for that and hope that it will help alleviate some symptoms.

In other health news (well, not to me) my diet ain't so good lately and I should be taking more supplements (Vit B complex and fish oil). Nothing new really but a reminder of where I need to get...

For whatever reason I feel like my ND resents me a little bit, or doesn't like me since I don't follow her advice to the T. Maybe it's just her personality and I take it personally, I don't know, but it makes me want to prove her wrong and get in great shape, eat right, take all the right supplements, cross my Ts and dot my Is and show her that I'm not the lazy fat slob I think she thinks I am! Makes me a little anxious at appointments but I think having that negativity and slight pressure to improve my baseline is good. I guess that's the normal provider-patient relationship, but I did enjoy the positivity and encouragement I got from the ARNP I saw in Seattle a few years back.

Anyways. Got new script, recommendations to improve diet, exercise, and supplementation as well as instructions to help me relieve what we think is a plugged duct but may be something else in my boob. Nothing majorly concerning just annoying and worth looking into.

Now it's sandwich time then gonna clean the house and do some shopping this afternoon in anticipation of our first date tomorrow and having Mom come up to babysit.

Time is flying....

Geekin' Out Withdrawals

At the Calgary Zoo we got to see wood bison (as opposed to plains bison) for the first time. Having had no idea there were different subspecies of American bison I felt my head implode a little bit.

Another implosion moment occurred when I was surfing Wiki and read the scientific name for the plains bison, Bison bison bison.

Seriously. Gotta be the best scientific name ever.

It also reminded me of this trivia from high school, I think a history teacher brought it up? But maybe my lit teacher? I don't recall, but I certainly remember "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."

After using one word that many times it ceases to resemble a word at all, don't you think?

I suppose I'm withdrawing from the vacation and missing the beautiful blue skies, chilly air, and gorgeous mountains-and apparently the zoo visit ;) The withdrawals got me thinking of Iceland again and that beautiful landscape. *lesigh*

I think I've spent too much time indoors since we've returned, the rain has been so gloppy! Now that my sinuses are clearing up and my back is almost back to normal (tweaked it hardcore Tuesday or Wednesday, lower back has been agony) I should be able to resume some walking this next week. I hope the time outdoors will satiate my need for scenery!

In other news, I finally got around to tuckin' in the balcony for the season. It was a little dried out but still wet so many of the pine needles clung to the surface and it's not pristine by any means, but I did empty out pots and planters and such. I'm saying "good enough!" and letting it go for now. I'll be on my hands and knees scrubbing algae off this spring regardless.

I did get more thyroid pills and the visit to my ND went better than expected. I think I'm doing a better job of separating myself, creating boundaries and realizing that other people are just doing their jobs. I pay her for her opinions but that doesn't make them law and I don't have to feel bad about myself for not adhering to every bit of advice. I do the best I can and make my own judgement calls as life rolls on, and that's that.

And really, I'm doing loads better and I need to appreciate that!

November already and 6 months pregnant tomorrow! Time is flying. Welcome to the holiday season everyone! I can't wait to put up the Christmas decorations, feeling very festive this year and savoring it already. Too many "ho-hum" Christmases in the recent past ;) And on that note, I'll get back to stitching my stocking.... !!!

Switchin' Things Up

Saw my ND on the 21st and have been on a different supplement lineup since.

I noticed positive changes up til yesterday and the last two days have been crappy.

Damn feng shui!

Funny and pathetic how feng shui has become a trigger for me. I was trying to improve the apartment's energy and became overwhelmed with a book that made it seem like everyone should know flying star feng shui or be able to pick it up right off the bat.

Uh. No.

My perfectionism was flaring up like a bum knee and before ya knew it I was down and out. Achy, naps, horrible self-talk, feeling worthless.

Still upset about my weight but unable to do much. With hardly any appetite eating has become a chore and only the crappy foods sound good. Between the welts from my clothes being too tight and snippets from my mother floating around in my brain ("Don't you ever get those arm rolls like whatshername") I've been feeling pretty hopeless and pretty sad.

Still lonely, although I have been able to go out to some game group meetings.

The hubby and I are going camping instead of the traditional family BBQ at my parents' yet I still feel anxious. Maybe for the backlash that might ensue but it kinda feels like the familiar "4th of July is coming, I'm still fat, I'm still me, I'm going to get teased" anxiety.

What I lovely life I had led thus far. Unfortunately I missed my dose of spring hope and now feel like an overheated hippo lost in the Sahara.

Damn Dairy, Damn Inflammation!

I've felt like quite the crone the past few days!

My shoulders have been aching to no end, so much so that I've needed to ice, soak, and take breaks throughout the day. I suspect the extra pain might be related to extra awareness after my naturopath appointment Wednesday.

I mentioned I was interested in acupuncture (first appt. in a couple weeks!) and my doc did a quick exam on my back and shoulders and neck while we discussed the treatment. She confirmed that I did have some knots in my shoulders and also mentioned the my left side is more inflamed and sensitive, even that my achy shoulders relate to my occasional headaches!

I'm glad that I've started the process toward treating my painful shoulder tension but now that it's in the forefront of my mind the pain has been miserable.

A couple of bad days with anxiety over weight and clothes and socializing really notched up the pain and I've been in recovery mode since Thursday.

In addition to the shriveled shoulder feeling I've been battling my dairy demon.

After removing dairy from my diet for a week I really noticed a difference-and improvement-in my congestion and digestion. No post-nasal drip, phlegm, constipation, or runny nose!

That's the good. The bad is that the past few days I haven't been excising all the dairy in my diet and my body isn't likin' it! I've been hobbling around with achy shoulders, carrying a Nalgene, blowing my nose and clearing my throat. 

Funny how I can look and feel so sick without having a cold or flu or such!