A Break From Moving

The condo is cleaned out. The hubster and my dad are probably close to our new home base with the truckload of possessions. I'm staying north for a while in order to do the walk through with our landlord this afternoon. In the meantime, I'm taking advantage of Baby Bananaface being at daycare and taking some time to myself at a local cafe :o)

Here's a slew of random questions I decided to work through as a bit of distraction and release. Feel free to answer them yourselves! Let me know if you do and I'll go and read them :o) You're more than welcome to pop your answers in the comments too.

Have fun and Happy Friday. Blue skies here! We're shocked!




What random acts of kindness have you done? I can't name them all so I'll just name a few that I've done recently: taking carts from strangers in the parking lot back to the store for them, complimenting strangers' bags or clothes etc., handing a stranger my half-full punch card for a local doughnut shop.

Do you think any kind of afterlife exists? Not 100% sure either way. I tend to think of souls being recycled in whole or part as I imagine everything else in life does. I guess that isn't exactly an afterlife, is it?

Would you kill an innocent person if you thought it might mean saving a dozen other people? Ooh... I think it depends on the details. Not convinced I'm capable of killing though I wouldn't be shocked if I was. Wow. That sounds kind of bad. :o/

What’s the biggest personal change you’ve ever made? I've made a lot! Losing and gaining weight as much as I have has been major (talking fluctuations around 75 lbs). Changes in fitness has changed my life in many ways. That said, I think the biggest change I've made (making) is altering my internal landscape. Altering my self-talk and "scripts" into healthier habits. Pretty damn difficult and very much worth it. Lovin' me that DBT. 

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done? Well, there's quite a few. A recent one involves mistaking a green light for a green arrow then turning left in front of an oncoming, massive pickup. It was terrifying and a very unusual mistake for me! 

What do you think would be one of the best steps we could take toward ending poverty around the world? Having everyone experience poverty for themselves-not just a tour or a video or an article, actually experiencing poverty for however long it takes to appreciate it (that may vary from person-to-person). 

What is Satan's last name? Natas (Satan backwards) Why? No clue.

Can crop circles be square? Yes. Because I say so.

If someone gave you the power to save just one animal species on earth, which would it be? Bees. I'm not just saying that because Baby Bananaface loves "Bee Movie," although that could have something to do with it ;o)

Do people really get any wiser as they get older? No. They get wiser as they get wiser. Has nothing to do with age. Experience certainly has a place in developing wisdom, although wisdom cannot be developed from experience alone.

If you could be a farmer, what would be on your farm? Alpacas? I think that'd be more fun than sheep... IDK, that's the first thing that popped into my mind after mushrooms. Definitely seems like more fun than mushrooms. I do love mushrooms though...

If you could have something named after you as a memorial what would you choose? (building, park, school, that kind of thing) Oooh. I think I'm torn between a gym (a community hub like my beloved YMCA) and some sort of crisis center with counseling and skills training and such.

What would your DJ name be? Boo, Who? Same as my mixed-martial arts fighter name ;o)

When did you consider yourself an 'adult'? Don't know that I do... I'm not sure exactly what "adult" means. I think we always have more to learn although I suppose finding the hubster and decided to share my life with someone else, that felt pretty adult. Certainly deciding to stick around be Baby Bananaface's mother felt adult. So, I suppose I felt adult when I began loving and accepting others for who they were, are, and will be.

What's your earliest memory? This is a tough one for me... I think the earliest memories for me are of my childhood home and school. Maybe 1st grade? Mrs. Loftness (tall gal with curly hair) and Mrs. Olsen (dark hair cut in a bob) come to mind. There were guinea pigs too.

Do you define yourself based mainly on your intentions, your actions, or something else? Maybe heart? A combination of intentions and effort. Actions come into play although I can't place too much credit on them because when I'm depressed I can't do much and sometimes I do very terrible things due to my disease that I wouldn't want to blame myself for. I can also do very stupid things while hypomanic that I wouldn't want to blame myself for.

If required, could you saw off your (unconscious) partner's leg to save them (a la the Grey's Anatomy episode)? Yeah. No problem. I'd use my teeth and karate chop it if I had to. Drop a boulder on it. Steak knife. Chainsaw. Anything.

What motivates you to improve yourself? The hubster and Baby Bananaface. I mostly live for them. Working up my self-worth still to feel like I can live for myself, even so, I think they'll always be up there as far as motivation and reason to improve myself and meaning of life.

Would you rather be bald or hairy? Bald. Easier to put on lotion than wax and shave. 

Would you be disappointed to learn that 200 years from now you will have no living descendants? Not particularly. Maybe the hubby would, he's got more of that type of pride. I think I'd be disappointed if humans weren't around and bettering themselves and the planet, although if the whole of nature was doing well, I wouldn't be too upset over that either.

Which do you prefer, odd numbers or even numbers? Odd. For whatever reason they feel more solid to me. Maybe it's because they don't divide easily? They gotta stick together?

Do you have a favorite number? 13. That's my birthday day. I've always liked 23 and 27 as well, and BB's birthday is on the 27th!

Does a person's happiness level depend mostly on the good or bad things that have happened to the person, or on something else? I don't think it has anything to do with what's happened to them. I've have horrible, traumatizing, heartbreaking things happen in my life and that hasn't impaired my ability to be happy. There are also people that have had simply wonderful lives without pitfalls and aren't necessarily happy!

What was the last thing you remember shoplifting? Two shot glasses (well, tasting glasses). I have a little bit of a problem regarding this... out of character. Tends to happen when I'm stressed.

Would you take a one way mission to mars trip? HELL-TO-THE-NO!

You have to drink four pints of a liquid per day (not water). What is it? Not water?! What?! Damn. Not even sure I can drink that much coffee... maybe tea? I like rooibos/chai, although that much I think peppermint or green tea would be best.

What is the most commonly held belief that you personally find deeply offensive? That there is such a thing as being more or less than another being. We have to make judgments to stay safe, I think it can be quite dysfunctional though.

Would you rather be a giant, or microscopic? Microscopic. Seeing the world more easily would be fun, just seems like all the tiny stuff would be quite exciting! Also, I wouldn't want to be sleeping out in the open and never fit in a shelter...

What long-lost childhood possession of yours would you like to see again? This odd fairy toy thing I had. I can't remember all the details about it. I remember a lovely periwinkle color and a few tiny fairy toys that fit in some sort of jewelry box that acted as their home. It was cute and fed my imagination and I loved it! I think the tops of the fairies were flowers too, instead of hair. Talk about a great disguise ;o)

If you had to pick a new first name, what would it be? Used to Crystal. I even named a pet rat Crystal and signed my school work with that name for a while. Nowadays... Hmmm. I like Rebecca. Makes me feel like  a strong, beautiful pioneer! I also think I could do with a cheery name. Something that ends with a "y" or "ie?" Don't know. I think Hannah suits me pretty well!

X is for Xmas #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

X is for Xmas because A) I didn't have a ton to work with when it came to the letter X and it's the only word I found in my dictionary that actually got my brain juices flowin' (see below)

and B) Xmas (pronounced Christmas, please) is a big deal in my first family and even though it can be quite stressful being such a big to-do, it's also very distracting and having an elongated holiday season of madness can distract me from my own madness which is quite appreciated and necessary to help me get through the dreary winter sometimes.

Even more than the season itself, Christmas in my family is a yearlong affair. Whether it's scouting Christmas presents or stitching Christmas stockings (Baby Bananaface's is nearly done, BTW), Christmas is always a viable topic of discussion in my first family and, honestly, it's nice to have a go-to, back-up, easily distracting topic that is safe to discuss and easy to fall back on when it comes to my family (conversations can easily go sideways or get hurtful in my family and changing the direction with "Hey, what about Christmas...." is a very appreciated emergency tool for me and the hubs).

I love Christmas not for any religious reasons, I'll sing "Silent Night" but that's about it, but for many little reasons like seeing ornaments that have been on my parents' Christmas tree for decades and watching twinkly lights or Christmas movies that I've seen too many times to count and baking or making sweets that I only bake around Christmastime... I love the traditions. I enjoy seeing people that I don't get to see but once or twice a year, I might not like them or care what they have to say or what's going on in their lives but I like mixing things up!

As far as my mental health goes, Christmas can be a positive and a negative all at once. I get out more, I have things to do, it motivates me to be active and social but it also stresses me out and can trigger a lot of social anxiety and often makes me realize just how distant my family can be.

What about you? Do you celebrate Christmas at all? Does Christmas relax you in certain ways or totally stress you out? What are your favorite things about Christmas? Do you have certain decorations that have been in your family for years and years?

Can't Sleep-So... Cheesecake.

I should be sleeping but I'm not. Heard the rain and decided to get outta bed (I was just lying there twiddling my toes and scanning FB on my phone, yuck) grabbed my robe and slippers and sat on the balcony. Love sitting and watching the rain.

Anyway. The cheesecake. Baked it Tuesday, chilled it overnight, put on the fudgy topping today, chilled, and then had the big reveal this evening. Hubs was impressed. Hell, I was impressed!

Oh that fudgey topping. So lovely!

Cross section turned out pretty well though I was
confused and concerned trying to bake it correctly.

The hubs soldiering through his last rich bites. Also featured, some
disappointing digestives. Stickin' with the LUs I like even if they are
difficult to track down at the market! Tangent done.

Good news, the cheesecake turned out well. Bad news, the cheesecake turned out so well that we now have a standard that excludes the convenient yet not-so-tasty store cheesecakes from our menu. Thankfully we have The Cheesecake Factory handy for any acute cravings when I'm not feeling up to making this labor intensive baked good.... which will be quite often. ;)

My Last Full Day

Today is my last full day here on the unit.

I feel so many things... Sadness, fear, joy, gratitude, acceptance, nervousness and more.

And then on top of all those feelings are feelings from my parents' visit. I am so grateful for the empathy exercises we did with one of the night nurses the last few nights, it really helped me see how scared and uncertain my parents were. They are trying their best and I sometimes neglect to appreciate that. I do wish that I could feel as supported as they seem to want to be, if that makes sense. There is just a bit of a gap, like a language barrier, something lost in the translation...

After their visit this afternoon I felt a lot of pressure fall upon me. I flashed back to school and trying to maintain straight As as if my life depended on it (which I did) and avoiding emotional outbursts to stay in good favor, not rock the boat, people please etc. (which I managed most of the time).

It didn't feel good to be in that head space again. I want to feel like I am enough just as I am. I don't want mounds of pressure put onto my well being, to risk every future relapse feeling like utter failure on top of all the shitty feelings that come with an episode to begin with! I don't want to live in fear of my human element, the inevitable mistakes, the dependable ups and downs that come with life at unpredictable intervals... I want acceptance. Encouragement. Calm support. A net to catch me not a net gun with threatening implications.

I will have to work at cultivating that environment, and thankfully the hubs was pretty awesome in mediating our visit and trying to keep that pressure element at bay. He say my mom "boot camping" me as we call it and slowed her roll a bit!

In other news, I can feel the anxiety in the unit about multiple discharges coming in the next couple of days. For the most part everyone stays chipper but everything seems a little more molasses-y and less "go get 'em." There are a lot of good people here and I'm very happy that we happened to be here at the same time.

I painted another peep-inspired painting today. One lady inspired the swan and a dude inspired my take on "Ferdinand the Bull." I'm hesitant to give it to him, I'm not sure how he'll take it, I mean not every guy would be happy to have this painting... but there you have it! I'm nervous about giving any gifts really, heh.

Painted a "Thank You" and I don't like it
but the hubs says it's fine. Hmpf. Should've
let well enough alone!

Maybe more later... Right now it's dinner time. And time to stop thinking and just be and just do. *deep breath*

:)

2nd Saturday "on the inside"

It has been a slow, sleepy day here on the unit. It was overcast yesterday and while it is brighter today there are large clouds hustling across the blue sky and winds picking leaves off the trees.

This morning the day nurses neglected to turn on the overhead lights in the common area until nearly 8:30 AM and despite the sky light's glow, it was simply too easy to sleep in. I think everyone outside our rooms was walking and talking more quietly with those lights off, it set the day off in a sleepy fashion.

Even now at three in the afternoon we are all rather reserved. I know you would think that would be the natural state of a unit full of depressed folks but for most days there is a bit of forced energy. Today we are all laid back.


I am feeling much better than when I arrived here last week. My baseline mood is higher, I feel hope, my anxiety isn't making me sick and tense all day long, I haven't been suicidal or wanting to self harm or hurt my baby. So much has changed for me in what feels like a very short period. I was skeptical at first that being here would be able to have much impact but I have been proven wrong.

There are some here that aren't so lucky. Weeks have gone by and they are still extremely depressed or anxious or angry. I can understand. I feel bad for them but I am also hopeful, I see their little glimmers of hope even when they do not. They are trying and it is so noble.

There are others that I do not think will truly get better for quite some time. The drugs may help, they may have remissions but I see dark futures for them. They aren't able to accept their situation, acknowledge their feelings, absorb the lessons to be taught here. I feel sad for them, annoyed at their stubbornness and their sort of arrogance. They act as if they don't belong here and through that denial I feel rebuffed.

I try to not take it personally, accept that we each have our own journeys and focus on my recovery, because I have flopped around like a fish out of water long enough and I'm ready for change even if those other people are not.


There are many things that I have been introduced to here that I plan on exploring and utilizing throughout my life. Nonviolent communication, DBT, radical acceptance, relaxation techniques, and more. I recognize that I have a ways to go in establishing a healthier lifestyle that helps me maintain better mental health but I am also so grateful and proud of myself for being where I am at this stage of my life. There are many people here that are much older than I am but are not able to delve into their issues that same way. My insight and sensitivity have caused a lot of pain in my life but they are also my tools to recovery and relief and I am coming to terms more with that now. Nothing is ever all bad-or good for that matter.

I'm sure there is more to be said and updates to be shared but this feels like the right post for me at this moment. I will close with another piece of artwork that I completed today. I quite enjoy it but I feel compelled to give it to one of my unit peeps, a lovely woman and mother that has inspired me during my stay. I hope that she will enjoy it and I hope my readers will as well. I am very glad to have positive memories to take with me as I prepare to leave 2 East. So grateful.

A Wonderful Visit, A Good Day

So often I use my "Family" tag to categorize something troublesome but today I get to add something positive....

For today's visit my hubs and Baby Bananaface brought along my mother-in-law and for the first time in a long time (since I've been feeling low) I was able to really connect with her and we shared some wonderful moments. She was so supportive. Actively supportive in a way that was strange and fabulous to me. Asking me about my meds and how things are going and the food I'm eating and what I'm doing and actually listening. She said that she thinks I'm doing a great thing and even sweet nothings like "things are gonna get better" and putting an arm around me... just so wonderful.

Even without those gems it was a good visit. I got to nurse B.B. and he even fell asleep in my arms for the first time all week. It felt so nice to be reassured that I can still mother him like I used to and I wasn't overwhelmed as I have been in previous visits. I also felt connected to hubs, synced up again, even a little flame. We kissed and hugged more than we have all week. It's funny how those pathways shut down in times of stress almost without noticing...

Today was good as far as groups and socializing around the unit as well. There are a couple of people here that are very... guarded? deluded? emotionally ignorant? divorced from their feelings? They approach everything in a very controlling, almost aggressive way instead of trying to understand, accept, and accommodate their feelings. It is very frustrating for me but I understand that they are on their own journeys.

I enjoyed groups and while some of the time I was light-headed from anxiety or meds I felt better overall. I did have some chest tightness come up during a video on acceptance and I think I really need to put in some hard work toward accepting my sister's pregnancy. She is just about 7 months in after all. Jeesh. I can't believe I am still refusing to accept that... Anyways.

I've really been fascinated with the groups presented on nonviolent communication and am very interested in delving further into that topic. I think it would be very useful for me and my little family to help facilitate the changes we want to make happen for ourselves.

I achieved all the goals I set for myself except working on a schedule for when I return home. So I may putter around some ideas on that before bed tonight... But overall, a good day.

Oh, and I started a swan painting. We shall see how it turns out. I am thinking of giving it to a unit peep but undecided. I think I will know to whom it belongs once I finish it.

Note: I must see the movie "Inside Out."

Subnote: Journeys is a weird ass word as far as spelling. Can't even count how many times I've typed "journies." Pfffft.

A week "on the inside"

Today marks a week since I came to "2 East."

Yesterday was a pretty good day for me but I got pretty tuckered out and wasn't able to fit in blogging. That said, I do think it is worth noting that I felt connected to my hubs and the baby, even if just a little bit, and it felt good. I am actually starting to feel little whisps of hope blowing into my mind now, like little spiderwebs on the wind. I hope they stick.

Today I am still tense and a little weepy but feeling hopeful. Trying to get some good work done to prepare for my transition back home but at the same time not over-doing it and sending myself into a spiral. I'm hoping to get a paper prescription for a breast pump today and I'm hoping to start working on a schedule for when I get back home... and patio time. Need to get outside :)

Upped my meds to 200 mg last night. That is our goal dose and should be staying at that for a couple days to make sure I'm stable on it. I was feeling pretty "up" even though I was exhausted last night, my thoughts racing and I found myself focusing on my belly bulge and losing weight. Apparently being preoccupied with health is a common warning sign of an oncoming episode-good to know! Thankfully the manic feeling gave way to sleepiness and I wasn't up half the night plotting.

Being here has helped me realize that the hubs and I have fallen into some bad patterns regarding my illness. Enabling bad eating and normalizing crisis behavior, not communicating openly both ways-the hubs is usually stoic and in manager mode and I miss hearing his experience or his feelings. It makes me feel really bad about myself and it took another unit peep sharing her story to make me realize that that could affect my recovery.

I'm having a hard time focusing, so here are some pics and I'll post more later if I can sort out my thoughts.

6 MONTHS! He rocked his peds appt. In the 90s on all percentiles again (99 for weight, of course! 23 lbs)

My first "anger artwork" lots of sadness too

OH! I did decide to invite my parents up for a visit. Since I am in Seattle at the moment my invitation gave deference to traffic patterns and also took into consideration the family group that takes place on Sundays. After the fact I realized that Sunday is also my father's birthday and I felt terrible for forgetting but the hubs called my parents again for me and clarified that they didn't have plans and that it was okay to visit me.... I feel bad but also don't want to feel too bad. I matter. Ya know? So hopefully both the grandparents can come, we can celebrate Baby Bananaface's birthday and my dad's and they can go to the family group and maybe that will help facilitate some communication about the future and my disease and creating a better support network for me....

Okay. Now I will sign off for a bit and get to business :)

Day 4 - Monday "on the inside"

I don't have my girls with me, but they are always with me in a way... Quotes spring to mind, images, feelings-and of course there is something to be said about jello! (no green so orange today)

Rose Nylund: Here you go, Sophia, the perfect after dinner treat, a nice dish of Jello. 
Sophia Petrillo: I hate Jello, if God wanted peaches suspended in mid-air He would've filled them with helium. 

Slightly less well known than the more popular “Anger is like a piece of shredded wheat stuck in your dentures. If you leave it there, you'll get a blister and have to eat jello for a week.”  Also by Sophia....

---

Cream of rice with brown sugar.... pretty dang scrumptious.

Today was on the whole better but with some rough patches. Had another bad anxiety episode with some nausea and I ended up getting my Ativan a little late, curling up on my bed and crying for a bit before it kicked in and I felt a lot better. I was more active, got outside TWICE and hit all the groups.

I opened up more today and was more social and shared more despite taking my necessary private time breaks and pumping. I've initiated double pumping which was a bit of a chore and exploration/experimentation but it's paying off! I'm spending much less time "on the rig."

Might as well photoshop
black splotches and a
cowbell on me!

Anyways. Gonna try to sleep better tonight. Last night sucked and then I woke up at 3:00 AM... This whole feeding a human and trying to sleep thing doesn't even work when the babe is off site! Trying again tonight to get good rest. May use another Ativan on top of the Seroquel dose to get me down, but we'll see. 

Seems like the plan is to get me out of here Friday but everything is "wait and see." Gonna try to get me up to 100 mg of the Seroquel tomorrow. 

We had a good self-esteem session (though distressing) and I'm looking forward to boundaries group tomorrow. Enjoyed exercise/relaxation today. Got some positive feedback about the boundaries I've been using with my mom but also some gentle nudges as far as areas I can improve - NOTE TO SELF: do the positive dreamscape activity, rewrite "internal tapes" that replay negative scenes with my mother as a positive encounter :)

I get along with most everyone though I do struggle with sucking up other people's emotions and one lady in particular is quite a seeper and very negative when she talks. Lots of "I just gotta say" or "I have something to share" and then major negativity and dumping and blaming and whatever. I'm over it. I try to tune out and remember that she has some major issues and that's her problem, not mine.

---

I finished my fishy painting and had fun with that today though I am a little disappointed with how the coral above "Gillybert" turned out I like most of it. The orange coral at the bottom right in my favorite and me and my unit peeps had a good laugh about the shape of the rock in the top right-heart? butt? boobs? testicles? It's a conversation starter.

Before ink lines

Inked

It is a bicolor parrotfish and I chose to paint it because A) purple and blue are some of my favorite colors B) bicolor/bipolar-get it? C) I went on a night dive in the Great Barrier Reef and saw a parrotfish sleeping in it's mucous sac and I use that visual when I'm warding off other's emotions :)

Haven't decided if I will keep it or leave it... 


Good visit with babe and hubs. Still not synced up with B.B. and feeling distant and disinterested and low tolerance. Helps me realize that I'm where I need to be and what I'm working towards. The hubs had my mom up for helps today (very controlled circumstances and he kept her well away from me!) Apparently she talked more about my sister's baby shower than anything else and she and my dad haven't had many questions about my situation (well, my dad wanted to know if Disneyland was still on next month. Classy).  But maybe part of that was the hubs intentionally protecting our privacy and not opening up too much. He can be pretty stoic and "shut downy" when he wants to be.


Okay. Bedtime.

Good night all.

Day 2-Saturday "on the inside"

Last night and today have gone pretty well. I got to sleep *YESSSSSS* but getting up to pump was a bit obnoxious. I'm still getting used to the schedule here. It's a bit.... rigorous? There's always something around the corner and it can be exhausting as I hate to miss anything!

The food is pretty good. I met a nice lentil soup today at lunch though I did not enjoy my chicken noodle at dinner. The chocolate cake for dinner's dessert was good and I really enjoyed the turkey sandwich and chips (one of my fav types) at lunch. We get an evening snack at 8:00 PM which was definitely called for last night. I guess it's a good sign that I have more appetite and feel so hungry now, though it is somewhat shocking after going so long with next to no interest in food.

I'm really into my fruit cups but don't eat the honeydew.... I hope I have one coming for evening snack but I can't remember what I put on my menu. It's funny, I fill these things out and then forget and then my meal is like a surprise but exactly what I want! D'oh. 

Anyways.... Today I managed to get to all the groups and get my pumping done and the hubs and B.B. came to visit and I got to nurse and cuddle and stuff (way exhausting but good). I had made him a card at group with watercolors and he really liked it, "The most beautiful card I've ever received" he said. I'm not sure about that but I enjoyed making it for him. 

I randomly decided to paint a seahorse and looked up a picture on my phone, I would've liked to have gone into more detail but didn't have a good pencil or good ink/marker. But hey, it was fun and I like it regardless :) Afterward I realized that seahorse daddies bear the kidlets and that the hub's is taking over with the baby right now so it was sort of symbolic in that way... didn't put that together until after though. Silly brain.

Had some anxiety flare up today (during our relaxation exercise oddly enough) rode it out for a while but ended up taking some meds for it. Got my first round of Seroquel last night, 25, going to be moving it up throughout the week. So far it has been okay, just felt sleepy and maybe a little more relaxed but as I said still anxious here and there. Some tears today and yesterday but I haven't been bawling and the release is good.

So far everything is OK with breastfeeding which calms me. I've been pumping and popping the bags into the freezer (am I the only one that misread that as "pumping and pooping?"), and since the hubs said we were down to 3 or 4 bags at home I guess it's good I'm staying hard at work here! Must make sure I don't run out of bags!

Whew. 

Tired. Better in some ways. Still hurting. Working on it. 

Ordering jello again tomorow.  Orange is my preference :)

Now to group....

"I should've said no" to "Damn, I am good"

My mom asked me to do the thumbprint guestbook for my sister's baby shower coming up next month and despite feeling totally overwhelmed with Baby and like I would never be able to craft anything I said yes. It's been wearing on me for a while now and the hubster has asked multiple times, "Why didn't you just say no!?"

I have agonized over the project for days after putting it off for weeks and tonight I finally just banged it out. The hubster helped keep Baby occupied and happy and I just went with my gut.

These where the ideas my mom gave me to work with A & B, and this is how my project evolved:

I asked the hubbo and he said that it doesn't reflect any of the anger or resentment I've been coping with, so I'm claiming bonus points for that! I'm pretty happy with how it turned out except for the font, I feel like I could've done better on that part. 

Now I'm excited to try and do some nursery art with my watercolors, we shall see...

Belly Cast Project

Quite a few stages but here's the belly cast including the initial cast, trim, smoothing finish, sanding, base coat, and then all the little painting stages I spread out over the last 10 days or so. 

The hubster got more attached to the project than we expected so he got to chime in on the design a bit too-we ended up mushing together "galactic/night sky/constellations" and "mandalas" and "labyrinth" and "bright colors, like purple and orange" though I refused to add a squirrel or portrait of Millie...

Believe it or not we still have a couple stages to go-the hubster has to spray a clear coat on the inside of the cast and the front and we have to rig up a system to hang it on the wall.

I wasn't quite sure how I wanted it to turn out and while I love certain aspects I'm not sure if I'm supremely happy with the entire piece... Though I'm never thrilled with any of my crafts so I guess being satisfied is about as good as it gets!

As for the hubby he was surprised to find the whole project more interesting than he initially expected and "not just for hippy-dippy types." He's a fan of the paint job and likes the sparkly/metallic parts :)

In other news, we had a midwifery appointment today and while I was feeling pretty pissy due to more Facebook "any baby yet?" nags I felt a lot better hearing that baby was in a better position and a bit lower this week.

Still day-by-day, anybody's guess when baby will arrive!

Christmas Tree 2014

Little different this year, we've got an artificial tree. Also, I burned out my last string of green lights so we went with a red/white tree this year at the hubster's request. 

Every year we name our tree and while this tree will bear it's name for multiple years, it gets a name nonetheless. For the first time we went with a female name, Agatha, for our pencil tree. Behold! Agatha!

It's a special Christmas with our first baby on board and I found this stork ornament on clearance at Hallmark. It was originally blue and boy-themed but I painted it up more Christmas color-y and now it's our "waiting for baby" ornament :)

Aches, Pains, Progress

As I mentioned before, ornament season has arrived and I've been personalizing about 4-5 days a week. That's a lot less than usual for me and a lot fewer hours (I stay about 5 hours instead of all day) but my body has been complaining.

I'm not sure how things will shake down after Thanksgiving when orders really pick up. I'm physically incapable of doing the workload that I have in past years and it stresses me out thinking about "slacking off." In reality, I ain't slacking one bit-I'm just baking a baby!

Not only have my shoulders been aching, my pubic bone barking, and my back sore I've felt my jaw grinding kick it up a notch. My baseline anxiety has been increasing and while the midwives said that is totally normal for this stage of pregnancy it makes alarm bells go off in my head-I don't wanna devolve into "Unhealthy Hannah" again just in time for the birth.

***On this note, I did have a panic attack last weekend but it was precipitated by a specific event and dealt with pretty efficiently. I'm a little more wary now but not quite freaking out that I'm losing my cool entirely. Overall my mood has been pretty stable and good. Was pretty dehydrated afterward but the aches and days-long hangover wasn't as bad as usual, I bounced back pretty quick!***

Thankfully, the hubbo and I are a pretty good team with an established coping strategy. Talking about "issues" is nothing new to us (even though some of these troublesome pregnancy symptoms are) and being able to share what I'm struggling with has helped. More than that the hubster helps pick up the slack around the house when I'm flagging and reminds/encourages me to treat symptoms. He's helped make sure I'm taking baths, using ye olde donut pillow, heating pad, Bengay, and massage therapy and somehow he still has the gogetum to ask me "what's bothering you?" when I'm fidgety.

While I'm not feeling stellar, it certainly helps to feel like I'm fighting back to some degree-though some days I'm totally walloped and end up doing oodles of couch and heating pad time! Which probably explains why I was able to complete my stocking project so quickly....

I was so happy to finally find this kit after dead-ending at oodles of online shops where it was listed as in stock but actually not. I got my share of "We're sorry, this kit is out of print" emails but when it popped up as in stock on Amazon I pounced and got my dream stocking! Barely a month later I had the thing stitched!

Now it's back to working on baby's stocking, which is much more difficult. Smaller aida grid and way more color variance but it'll be worth it when it comes together.

In other news, Fio finally got groomed and Iroh has become quite the couch czar. If he isn't sitting on the right side when you approach he'll come up and try to take the spot by force after you sit down! I think it's warm for him or something... Millie has been bogarting my body pillow and still loves the foam mat in the bathroom. Such a classy broad.

6 1/2 months down and I'm feeling the baby weight! I've only put on about 10 lbs overall but must be in all the right places because my pelvis is feeling it!

Glorious Rainbow Elephants-It's True!

Today is my sister's birthday and 12 days ago I finally got around to making her present...

It was a special request item. She sent me the black and white tribal elephant drawing and wanted me to "make it rainbow." Well, that's what I did!

I ended up taking some artistic license and didn't translate her sketch exactly, but I really like the way this project turned out. Leave it to my sis to get me to do something out of my comfort zone!

While I nearly quit and tried something different, I decided the rough-edged look worked well with the tribal influence of the design and stuck it out. Eventually the piece came together and I ended up really liking it. The process was a bit tedious and challenging but I always enjoy getting immersed in an art project. Even better when I know exactly what I'm going to do with it when I'm done!

I will often make gifts for people and while I thoroughly enjoy this and usually believe homemade gifts are better than throw-away junk I very often will panic and think, "Is this enough? Is it good enough? Is it worth (cost) enough to be a good gift?" It's frustrating and sad but not that uncommon a worry. I have to reassure myself that my heart is in the right place and that the amount of money spent doesn't necessarily communicate care or generate worth.

Also (not pictured) the hubbo picked out a nice frame for the piece, which I think adds some oompf. I still feel a bit sad and self-conscious, but I can't control what others' think of my gifts. My heart is in the right place, so be it!

Making this project all the more delightful were the bright and fresh smelling tulips at my table. The perfect colors I might add! I put the elephant next to them for a glamour shot... I guess the tulips influenced me and I put their colors at the top ;)

In reality, I couldn't remember the colors of the rainbow and looked up the pattern. I even learned a handy acronym, Roy G. Biv: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet. I'm sure many folks learned that as youngsters but I guess I missed it. My blue and indigo are one, but oh well. I dig it.

Looking forward to seeing the birthday girl this weekend for a birthday get together. Should be a fun time.

In other news, we have some budding wildflowers in the balcony boxes but I'm concerned about my calla lily. While I tried to keep it dry this winter, I think leaving it in its pot was a bad life choice. Very mushy. Well, there is always next year!

Me and plants. The ongoing learning curve saga.

Snotty Week Abroad

This past week was out of the ordinary as it involved a lot of illness and travel!

The hubster needed a little spring break and wanted to visit the beach so that's what we did. Saturday we drove down to my parents and we hung out with them until Sunday after lunch. Then we drove to Long Beach (leaving the mutt with the parents) and spent two nights over which my illness became more pronounced. By the time we drove back to Yelm on Tuesday I was speaking two octaves lower than usual and the mucus machines were gearing up.

The hubster went home Tuesday night after a challenging game of Progressive Rummy. He took Monday and Tuesday off but had to work the rest of the week. Meanwhile I stayed in Yelm and spent time with my mom and my sister once she arrived Thursday. By then I was a groggy snot machine with no appetite trudging around the house and consuming lots and lots of tea!

Saturday my mom, sister and I picked up some art supplies at Michael's and then we all drove north with Fio to bring me home. For the project we each picked a word and a color that would appear on each art piece however the individual artist designed. I chose "nourish," my sister chose "bonkers," and my mom chose "acceptance." Our colors were purple, orange, and green. It was really fun. Not just since I hadn't done any crafting in quite a while but because we hadn't done a project together just for fun in a really long time!

After lunch and farewells I had time to decompress with the hubby, watching episodes of "Burn Notice" until I felt as if bullets were to whiz through our windows at any moment!

There was a bit of deflation after my sister and mom left. I wrote a note to my brother and generally felt sad about  not knowing my family that well, or feeling that they know me. My husband reminded me that my family knows my past, not necessarily a bad thing and something to appreciate. It was an enjoyable visit, although whether I have a good or unpleasant family visit I feel sad afterwards. Either missing what I don't have or have but don't see often enough! I suppose I need to focus on my personal health and gratitude despite the negative feelings.

Now the hubby and I are at home, both recovering from mucusy sickness (he started feeling sick Wednesday but didn't tell me til I was headed home so I wouldn't fret or feel guilty) and readjusting to our normal, working schedule.

In other news, Fio has been scratching a hot spot on his neck into a bloody mess. This week I'm recommitting myself to monitoring him and keeping his paws on the ground! Millie puked ON the couch, the hubby cleaned it, and then I sat in the clean wet spot to watch marathon "Burn Notice" without realizing my mistake until I stood up and found the wet spot on my pajamas. Smooth. Iroh got his nails clipped and a thorough brushing, which he very much enjoyed (along with the treats afterward). 

Spring is coming to the PNW and today was my first day of spring cleaning... Well, more accurately my first 2 hours of spring cleaning hehe I started cleaning the patio and working on my plants but have plans to meet the hubby at a potential new dentist at 1:00 pm so stopped and showered, made some coffee, and opted for an episode of "Murder, She Wrote" before errands this afternoon. More bleach to come with more spring cleaning....

I think Washington has two seasons: molding and de-molding!