One Year

One year ago today, I was in the hospital. My aunt was also in the hospital.

On this day she died after a short, nasty fight with cancer.

As much as today marks a sad event for my family, it's also a day of deep gratitude as we reflect on how far we've come. My aunt is no longer with us, but I am still here and doing a lot, a lot, a lot better. She would've liked to hear that :o)

I didn't see my aunt while she was sick, or for many months before that. Years ago I started tapering off seeing her because it was too upsetting for me. She was a big smoker and somewhere deep inside I just knew she would get sick and leave us too soon. I couldn't stand it.

It's sad, but I don't really regret my decision. I couldn't handle the sadness and the stress of watching her kill herself. I did what I had to do at the time. While I probably would've gone to see her in the end if I hadn't been in the hospital myself, I'm glad that I didn't see her like that. Instead, I can remember the Aunt Sally that meant so much to me in a happier light.


So I raise my coffee cup to my aunt as well as to myself on this anniversary of sorts. I'm glad to have shared so many wonderful years with her and glad to feel once again like I have many wonderful years ahead of me.

Love. Love. Love.

<3

How is it...

How is it that I have such an utterly terrible copy of one of my favorite movies? I'm still enjoying watching it, don't get me wrong, but in the age of Blu-Ray ya can sure tell when a DVD isn't quite up to snuff!

What is this movie? Why let me tell you...

One of my favorite movies of all time is a John Wayne flick called "McLintock!" It has Maureen O'Hara, Patrick Wayne, Stefanie Powers, Jerry Van Dyke, Chill Wills, and Yvonne De Carlo in addition to John Wayne and even more actors that have become beloved and familiar after I've watched the movie so many times since my single digit years.

If you peruse this page of quotes you may just get a feel for it but there are many moments and quotes that aren't mentioned that have become favorites in my family. One of my personal favorites in the film is when Maureen O'Hara takes over driving a wagon and John Wayne (riding a horse) rides up and asks "Just where do you think you are going?" and she replies, "Don't use that range boss tone of voice with me!" and drives on by to a local mine where a big brawl takes place.

Also favorite in my family is the word play of the movie. There is a lot of drama between the country folks of McLintock in the territory and the city folk of the established states and cities and such. You've probably already gathered from my blog that I'm a word-lover and being an English major to boot just lines me up to enjoy the word play even more I suppose... but my whole family enjoys the back-and-forth and the "What does ________ mean?" questions that pop up every so often!

I'm not sure if "McLintock!" is my favorite movie ever but it's certainly one that I would never leave out of my collection. It might be a little... heavy? on the spanking/violence but I think everyone gives as good as they get-and any movie with molasses and feathers like that... and Maureen O'Hara chasing down her man in the end! Ya just gotta see it if you have the chance, I'd be typing all day if I tried to capture every special moment.

And did I mention, that in my family we have had a stuffed animal or two take the name of a character from this movie and a cat take the name of a character too!?

Anyways...

In other news I finally found my favorite pair of glasses (the purple ones with the plastic frames) lying on the sidewalk outside just over the railing of our stairs! They weren't cracked or anything but I'll have to clean 'em up a bit-been missing all week!

Started DBT this week and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think "crabby" might be the word? Having to change my ways is a bit annoying but I think it has to be done if I ever want to live the life I keep yearning for... guess we'll see. Still feel like a mess... guess the important thing is to remember I can change, things can change, and I'm not just a lost cause.

Been feeling a bit down on myself for not driving and being... reduced (?) in my capacity of late but I'm trying to do some chores and keep up with things even if I'm not taking care of the babe or quite up to par lately. Ugh. One foot in front of the other...

A Wonderful Visit, A Good Day

So often I use my "Family" tag to categorize something troublesome but today I get to add something positive....

For today's visit my hubs and Baby Bananaface brought along my mother-in-law and for the first time in a long time (since I've been feeling low) I was able to really connect with her and we shared some wonderful moments. She was so supportive. Actively supportive in a way that was strange and fabulous to me. Asking me about my meds and how things are going and the food I'm eating and what I'm doing and actually listening. She said that she thinks I'm doing a great thing and even sweet nothings like "things are gonna get better" and putting an arm around me... just so wonderful.

Even without those gems it was a good visit. I got to nurse B.B. and he even fell asleep in my arms for the first time all week. It felt so nice to be reassured that I can still mother him like I used to and I wasn't overwhelmed as I have been in previous visits. I also felt connected to hubs, synced up again, even a little flame. We kissed and hugged more than we have all week. It's funny how those pathways shut down in times of stress almost without noticing...

Today was good as far as groups and socializing around the unit as well. There are a couple of people here that are very... guarded? deluded? emotionally ignorant? divorced from their feelings? They approach everything in a very controlling, almost aggressive way instead of trying to understand, accept, and accommodate their feelings. It is very frustrating for me but I understand that they are on their own journeys.

I enjoyed groups and while some of the time I was light-headed from anxiety or meds I felt better overall. I did have some chest tightness come up during a video on acceptance and I think I really need to put in some hard work toward accepting my sister's pregnancy. She is just about 7 months in after all. Jeesh. I can't believe I am still refusing to accept that... Anyways.

I've really been fascinated with the groups presented on nonviolent communication and am very interested in delving further into that topic. I think it would be very useful for me and my little family to help facilitate the changes we want to make happen for ourselves.

I achieved all the goals I set for myself except working on a schedule for when I return home. So I may putter around some ideas on that before bed tonight... But overall, a good day.

Oh, and I started a swan painting. We shall see how it turns out. I am thinking of giving it to a unit peep but undecided. I think I will know to whom it belongs once I finish it.

Note: I must see the movie "Inside Out."

Subnote: Journeys is a weird ass word as far as spelling. Can't even count how many times I've typed "journies." Pfffft.

Bad, Bad Morning

I've passed exhausted and have arrived at desperate. The sleep deprivation with the anxiety kept me awake last night, my body tensed and my mind racing. This morning the hubster was home from work and helped with B.B. but didn't leave me to my rest (see GIF above) which lead to angry outbursts and subsequently darkness.

Last night I was scratching myself with tweezers and this morning the harmful soothing continued with matches and scissors. Eventually the suicidal fantasies began and while not quite a full-fledged attempt, something like it occurred. A white flag? A plea? I didn't really plan it out or really try to succeed, but I ended up in the hallway clutching a plastic bag. In my weak mind's fantasy I could tape the bag around my head, cuddle into bed and simply drift off, dissolve into nothingness as I've so often yearned.

But I froze when I saw the baby sleeping in my room. I couldn't do it with him there. I couldn't move. The hubster noticed my activity from his place on the couch, set aside his work laptop and upon assessing the situation rushed past me, transferring Baby Bananaface to his crib in the other room. He returned to wrench the bag from my hands and supervise me, resuming his work via laptop sitting on the bed next to me.

My body was painfully clenched as I lay on my side, feeble tears dripped onto my desperately clenched hands that were shoved under my face. I mumbled and muttered a weak begging mantra, "Please, get me a bag. Please, just get me a bag."

Eventually I slept.

More angry words. More desperation. Eventually I couldn't sleep or rest anymore and took a shower around 1:00 PM, finally eating and drinking around 2:00 PM. Speaking with the hubbo, my voice is small and quiet. I feel weak and ashamed. I know it's not all my fault, it's the illness, but I feel penitent, as if the horrible episode were selfish indulgence.

The sitter is here to help with baby but I don't think that she helps, he cries nearly the entire time. I haven't seen him for a few hours, tucked away here the bedroom. I don't feel compelled to intervene as I usually do but it still pains me to hear him cry. I suppose that's a good sign.

I have an appointment on Sept. 1st with a clinic that specializes in postpartum care but it feels so far away. The sleep deprivation, the anxiety, the painful, sticky thoughts about my family and the feeling of abandonment and worthlessness hangs over me. There are decent moments but so much of my day takes place under shadow.

I'm still slugging along but it feels so messy, like everyone else is in the desirable areas of the Candy Land board and I'm stuck in the swamp-what is it? chocolate? molasses? I always wanted to be the ice cream queen, clean white and blue, similar to the Snow Queen from the Shelley Duvall's Faerie Tale Theatre, my favorite episode. Whenever we went to the library on base I would race over to the VHS section and search for it, renting it over and over. You'd think that Elsa from frozen would've appealed to me, following this chain of images, but no.

Also loved the image of the angel food cook lady from this cartoon... funny the images that stick with us from childhood? So strong after all these years.


The rain is gone. The sun is back. Insult to injury as far as I'm concerned.

"I Should Be Lobotomized"

It's a horrible, horrible thing to say. I know. But I said it. Last night was a bad night, and I didn't want to feel anymore. I didn't want to be me anymore. It was a stupid thing to say and an unrealistic thing to say which is probably why I said it. I couldn't say, "I should be back on pills," because the hubster could've taken my word for it and started that ball rolling again!

I felt horrible last night, but it makes me feel ashamed saying something like "I should be lobotomized" when such a procedure ruined the lives of many other people. Sure, I have my problems but there are a lot of people out there that have bigger problems.

Not to say any of us and our problems matter any less than someone else's, but it's important to realize that we're not alone. Sure, there are people that have it worse than me, but there are also people that have it better than me and compassion is a chain woven through us all. Compassion from others, compassion for ourselves, compassion for others.

I often neglect the first two forms of compassion. I assume people think the worst of me and don't care about me and I often don't behave kindly toward myself. After a while those negative thoughts sort of numb me out. As much as I try to care for others, I just can't. The landscape of life becomes very barren and loses meaning.

ANYWAYS.

Why was last night so horrible?

Last night started heading downhill when the hubby cued up a documentary about K2. As amazing as stories about climbing that mountain are, they mostly just depress me. I hear "K2" anything and feel my hackles rise, preparing for the inevitable downer and ensuing depressive state. Sherpas risking their lives just to support their families any way they can, adrenaline junkies putting their lives on the line and leaving their families behind, and people dropping like flies in a seemingly serene, fantastically beautiful scene all leading me to the questions, "What is life worth?!"

It's all about perspective. I can understand the sentiment that we have one life to live and you should live it to the fullest. Die climbing a massive dangerous peak, having your life snuffed out before you can exhale your last breath? Life well-lived (to some). But I find myself drawn to a more serene place, a life lived with family and children, a quiet death leaving behind recipes, stories, and memories with loved ones. Both are very different, but both have meaning.

But through the eyes of depression neither of those philosophies hold water. A dark extrapolation leads my mind to the conclusion that life has no meaning, no matter what you do throughout your life nothing really matters. I begin to feel trapped. Stuck in a living form forced to contemplate questions with no answer and wallow in the turmoil of failure for the rest of my pointless existence.

This is what happens when I am triggered. And this is why we've put "K2" on a list of "Banned Input For Hannah." Yes. I've banned an entire mountain.

Readers already know that financial matters are another trigger for me as is failure in almost any degree as my mind likens it to being unlovable and worthless. The hubster and I are also working on media input in light of recent bouts of... hmm, not quite paranoia but living dreams where my body has an anxiety reaction and I imagine acts of violence occurring in my day-to-day life. It's troublesome and disturbing, let me tell you!

A couple weeks ago I began breathing deeply while the hubby and I were driving around doing errands and when he asked what was wrong I had to explain that I had imagined snipers were on top of buildings and bullets were tearing into our car, shattering windows, and ripping us apart. I know I have a vivid imagination, but this little scene took things a step further and caused me distress, much like a nightmare instead of just a bad dream. These episodes take many shapes but generally peak with violent media input and cause me a general sense of unease, anxiety, and feeling unsafe.

So we are working on these things. Last night was bad, but today will get better and we'll keep pushing forward!

And the hubster promised me he won't go climb K2 and die.

Birth, Birthday, and Valentines

I'm still reeling, sleep deprived, stressed and behind on chores but I guess I have an excuse!

A birth all night Wednesday really challenged me and put me through the ringer so that Thursday I was pretty out of it all day. The hubby took me out for a really fancy birthday dinner (I had "the duck" and he had "the salmon" and we both had some kick ass pinot noir). Today was still rough but somehow I was able to shower by 10:00 am and get some errands done, including making two lasagnas. As for the house chores.... Eh, gonna have to work on that later.

Tomorrow we're hosting my parents for my "birthday party" since I'm still on call for another birth. My sister came home from EWU so she'll get to come up too! Should be a fun afternoon. Any day with lasagna in it usually ranks high in my book, not to mention a Raspberry Bomb Torte from Central Market. HELLO, delicious.

As for today, Valentine's Day, the husband and I made it a point to actually have plans. We're having homemade lasagna (yes, I am having lasagna two days in a row) and "You've Got Mail" for our Valentine's Day celebration. No need for boxed chocolates, we cheated and ate some weeks ago, and no roses allowed either. The hubby did get me tulips, lilies, and crazy random accent flowers though, he's a custom bouquet master. I actually got my act together and remembered to get him flowers, chrysanthemum, field daises, and crazy accent flowers :)

Since my birthday is on the 13th we usually don't do much for Valentine's Day. We enjoy our time together without date nights or Valentine's Day celebrations, so it's usually not a big deal for us. No need to "make up" for a year of listless companionship! (Hoping that doesn't change over the years, but I don't suppose those in that boat ever intended to be there themselves...) But this year we wanted to do something festive, heck, maybe we'll start some sort of tradition one of these years.

Still have our Seahawks decor up, heck, maybe that could be a tradition if they keep going to the Super Bowl? Woot woot!

In other news, the flea situation is lessened but still ongoing. Another round of prescription treatment next week and hopefully we'll have it under control.

Wanted to talk about my gagging in a fancy fufu restaurant and letter writing but I'm still too loopy (as evidenced by this post). I should have my head back on straight within a couple of days and I'll try again!

Up/Down Part II

The documentary "Up/Down" examines bipolar disorder and the public perception of the disorder as well as the personal experience of the disorder. I've shared my mock interview based on the documentary's questions but I was also inspired to interview my husband using the film's questions for friends, family members, and partners of people with bipolar disorder.

Here is his interview.
---

What was your understanding of bipolar disorder prior to being exposed to it?
A mental health disorder characterized by shifts from one extreme mood to the next.

How has this person's bipolar disorder affected your life and emotions?
Hannah's depression/bi-polar spectrum condition has made me think much more deeply about mental illness and my own earlier battles with depression when I was in my early 20's. From time to time it has created stresses on the relationship but I think I am pretty good at captaining the boat when the mood shifts for the worse.

What was this person like in a depressive episode and how did you respond to it?
Extremely negative and seemed to be stuck in this conditional loop that wouldn't end. I learned how to listen better and learned some of the more appropriate ways to create dialogue with Hannah. I learned how to address suicide and how to talk down a crisis.

What was this person like a manic episode and how did you respond to that?
Hannah's manic moods aren't particularly extreme; however, she does perhaps get into moods where she believes she can take on the world. I deal with this by listening to her and just acting normal. I don't try to keep pace, I just keep listening and try to keep understanding.

How do you view bipolar disorder now after being exposed to it personally?
Let's not lie -- it's a pain in the butt to deal with, but it can be managed and I know that individuals with bipolar disorder can live happy well adjusted normal lives with support, treatment, and hope.

Up/Down Part I

I happened upon this documentary the other day and it really spoke to me. "Up/Down" focuses on bipolar disorder, public perception, and interviewing those with the disorder. I am coming to terms with having bipolar II and I thought it would be useful for me and interesting to answer the interview questions from the documentary.

So here's my interview!
---

My name is Hannah, I'm 24, I'm a seasonal worker, doula, and stay-at-home pet mom, although I also identify as unemployed. I have bipolar disorder.

Could you give me a general explanation of how you felt before you were diagnosed?
I was very lonely and depressed. I self-identified and was labeled depressive and cranky by family and friends. I felt like I lacked natural social skills and often felt out of place or like I didn't belong. I experienced a lot of anxiety and it was labeled as a personality trait, like I was just a "mother hen" not really a health issue. So it felt like I was inherently flawed or broken. I came to believe that I would be alone and become the spinster, cat lady in the family because even though I wanted to be social and have friends it just didn't seem like I was capable.

And how long have you felt the symptoms of bipolar?
Looking back I can see irrational and depressed behavior way back to grade school. Since I have bipolar II my mania is subdued and a little harder to identify but I can see the jumps in my moods from down low up to "everything's all right," at least back to 4th grade. Having those moments where people look at me like "whoa, who are you?" because I had just been depressed and cranky and suddenly transformed into a Chatty Cathy. I remember being teased for being "too sensitive" when my moods would take a dive at the drop of a hat or after someone's off-hand comment, it didn't take much to set me off and I remember thinking "why does that bother me so much?" but being unable to pull myself out of a nosedive. It was embarrassing and frustrating and isolating and it started this vicious cycle of low self-esteem that kept getting lower and lower and making me more susceptible to negative thoughts so that by the time I hit my late-teens, early-twenties my lows were getting really, really low. So the suicidal thoughts started showing up around 15 or 16. Cutting, wrist banging, self-harm around 16. The suicidal ideation didn't get really bad until after college and the worst was 2011-2012. Then St. Patty's Day weekend 2012 I had written suicide notes and uh, thankfully let on what I was planning to my now husband who stopped me from leaving the house and eventually called the cops when I wouldn't stop trying to get away. I spent the night in a crisis center. We had some really rough nights between fall 2011 and through 2012.

Can you tell me when you were diagnosed and how it felt once you were diagnosed?
Well, I didn't realize it at the time but I was diagnosed with cyclothymia when I was almost 16. At the time I didn't realize that was a subthreshold of bipolar. I thought it just meant my depression came and went. So when I was diagnosed bipolar II in 2013 I was taken off guard. I was defensive. I think I rejected it because it had taken me so long to identify as someone with depression, changing that label from depression to bipolar was a big step. And even as someone who had struggled through depression, well what I identified as depression for many years, even with that history I retained prejudice against bipolar and other "more serious" mental illnesses. I felt like bipolar made me "crazier" than just having depression. So I was upset. I felt scared and weak. I thought it meant heavier medication and more side effects which I was not interested in. I thought, at least for a while, that it meant I couldn't be a mom. I've processed it more now and I realize it's nothing that makes me "crazier" or "less crazy," it's just a label for how my brain works.

Did you tell any of your friends, family members or partners? If so, how did they respond? If not, why not?
I didn't really. My husband was there when I got the diagnosis in 2013, so he knew. He said that he had already suspected it but didn't say anything for fear of freaking me out. So he was fine. He was sort of validated. My family knew about me and depression so they were familiar with that idea even if we didn't talk about it a lot, but I didn't update them on the bipolar diagnosis. I recently wrote in a letter, sort of off-hand, and mentioned it to my sister. And she hasn't really responded but I know she has claimed to be bipolar herself and mentioned, "something is not right, I think I'm bipolar," so I felt comfortable letting it slip to her. But I don't feel safe enough, or confident enough to talk with my family about it because of the rejection I anticipate or the minimizing which is hurtful and feels like a rejection. Other than that, I have one friend from high school and middle school that I can talk to. He has bipolar himself and um, there's nothing I can say that would phase him, so we can talk honestly. But I just don't have the space in other relationships right now for that discussion.

Could you give me a general explanation of what it is to be manic? Both the positive and negative sides.
Well in my case, it's "hypomanic," even though we refer to it as feeling "manic." Just easier to say. But for me it becomes difficult to sleep and I'll often start sleeping in after staying up til the wee hours of the morning. I often become really goal oriented and develop to-do lists of different projects and cleaning or sending people letters or cards. Sometimes I will write lengthy emails or reach out to people that I otherwise don't feel comfortable or confident enough to reach out to. Instead of being shy I become more social. I become infused with optimism when I'm usually a cynic or a pessimist. Money becomes an issue. I have to watch myself carefully so that I don't go on spending sprees. And before I was diagnosed in 2013, I didn't really see those spending sprees as mania so that caused some trouble with finances. Now I'm sensitive to it. But on the upside, I can become a social butterfly, cracking jokes, and being more productive. On the downside it usually messes up my schedule pretty bad. Screws up my sleep schedule, the husband gets annoyed because I am constantly go-go-go and hyper and often anxiety comes with it. And we're both rational people, but with that kind of anxiety I can't be reasoned with and it's frustrating for both of us when I'm just nonsensical.

If you could, try to give me a general explanation of what it's like to go through a depressive episode?
The depressive episodes are much more familiar to me. It is just amazing how quickly they slow my life down and sometimes completely stop it. Getting out of bed in the morning is a monumental task. Sometimes I'm not able to get out of bed until 1 or 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I don't care about anything. I won't take the dog out for a potty break, I won't want to get up to go to the bathroom, I'll just hold it until I'm forced to run to the bathroom myself. My face sort of numbs out. It's physically difficult to express emotions or smile or react to stimuli, like a funny movie won't break the surface. Often I lose my appetite but will also overeat bad foods. A sort of negative logic takes over and I lose my ability to thinking rationally, self-harm and suicide are frequent conclusions in my mind trying to cope with my thoughts or problems. Sometimes I get really angry and lash out or try to bang my wrist on a wall or counter. Other times I can't feel much of anything. Lately I've been able to cry more but I used to not be able to cry at all. Umm, pulling my hair out of frustration, losing motivation to shower or get dressed, forget about sex, no desire there. It's just a total hi-jacking of my life. It's very, very difficult to get perspective when I'm the hole of depression. I also get anxiety when I'm depressed and will become housebound. Often the hubby has to force me to go out and even a trip to the grocery store can get me freaked out.

Could you tell me about a pivotal moment involving the disorder? For example, a manic or depressive episode that changed your life.
There have been a few moments like that... I guess there are two big ones I think of, the first when I was in high school and had my first major episode of self-harming while on a band trip and the second when I was 22 or 23, before the St. Patty's Day detention. They were both depressive episodes and while I was caught up in the throes of depression there was still a small part of me that felt like a fly on the wall and I remember thinking, "wow, this is so bad, I didn't know it could get this dark." On the band trip I took some slant tweezers and scratched up my forearms, both of 'em, from wrist to elbow on the inner side and even though I was in a hotel room with three other girls and on this trip with all my other band peers I felt totally alone. The second episode I mentioned, I was engaged to my husband and in the middle of months and months of depression. He told me to drive downtown and meet him for lunch, which was a big effort for me. I remember picking at a scone while he had a regular lunch and we were talking and I was crying in public. I was ready to give up and he was so worried, and I remember putting my engagement ring on his pinkie finger and it fit perfectly. And I said, "Good to know. You can wear it when I'm gone." It was so horrible and so sad and he was so desperate to get me help and at the time we couldn't find a therapist or doctor that would help me without insurance because we weren't married and I wasn't working, so it was a really dark time where we felt pretty alone. That lunch date hurts more to remember than the cops coming into the apartment and hauling me out in cuffs. Putting that ring on his finger and seeing his reaction still haunts me. I guess he held it together other days, but that day I could see how tired and desperate we both were. So those times, I guess they were pivotal in showing me how serious my condition was and how dangerous it is to have uncontrolled, untreated depression.

Do you take any medications? And if so, what kinds? And if not, why not?
I don't take any medications right now. I have dabbled in them and spent years trying different medications and combinations, even supplements and natural remedies. But because I want to be a mother and because the side effects were as bad as the disease I don't take any right now.

Do you find any benefits with the medication?
Benefits from the medications for me were taking the edge off, kind of leveling out my emotions but it leveled me off below happy. Below okay. I was still sad, I was still immobilized for the most part. It helped curb the suicidal thoughts but it wasn't helping me get back on my feet. So it gave us a break from the worst of things, it helped save me when the depression was getting really bad. Short term, it was a lifesaver. Long term, they became a crutch.

Are there any downsides to the medication?
Oh lots of downsides. Saving your life is a big benefit but when you get past the crisis to everyday living the downsides suck. My family and my husband have told me that the drugs change me, change me to where I'm not "Hannah" anymore. It levels out my feelings to deadpan. Messes with my appetite, my weight, my sexual desires, and the physical withdrawal symptoms are horrible. Worst headaches of my life coming off of antidepressants. Messes with my gut and digestion, made me nauseated. Just horrible. Felt flu sick for weeks. The taper was excruciatingly slow trying to fend off the side effects.

Are you seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor? And if so, do you find it helpful?
I have found it helpful but I'm not seeing anyone regularly right now. We had a bit of insurance drama and the anxiety from financial matters and insurance led me to curtail treatment which was scary at the time but turned out to be a good thing. Not picking over everything and worrying constantly and seeing multiple doctors every week sort of helped me calm down. So it's very helpful, but sometimes you can have too much of a good thing. Look at anything too closely for too long and you're bound to find something wrong and it got to the point where I needed to back off for a bit. Now we use a preventative care approach where I see my counselor when I need extra help and try to keep my moods in check to avoid needed serious treatment again.

How would you say you differ before and since you started treatment?
I am much more aware and in-tune to my emotions and my mood cycles. My husband and I have developed a whole new vocabulary related to mental health and really worked hard to cultivate open communication and support. Taking care of my mental and physical health has become a day-to-day focus instead of a yo-yo diet type of fad, it's constantly on my radar now. When I'm doing well the episodes become manageable and I'm able to get myself out of a depressive spiral or calm down during a mania and even if I do slip into one of those extremes I'm more accepting and bounce back better now. It's always a challenge but I have more tools now.

Have you experienced any discrimination or stigma related to the disorder? And if so, how?
Oh yeah. I have had my mental health impact my work and been unable to really talk about it. At one point I used FMLA leave to get through an especially hard time in 2009-2010, which was a huge validating move for me but made for some awkward social situations. I feel the stigma around my family a lot. My dad doesn't understand why I can't just "think my way out of it" and sometimes my mom or my siblings will tease me and act like my health issues are personality traits and it hurts. It hurts a lot not to feel accepted and understood by those closest to you. I have had some amazing support from friends that I didn't expect though, finding people I can talk openly with is a rare and beautiful thing.

Why do you think there is a stigma surrounding bipolar disorder or mental illness in general?
Definitely. I'm sure I have contributed to the stigma myself from time to time. When I was diagnosed I got defensive and didn't want to accept it because that stigma lives in me. I think it's a fear of the unknown, not just from the unknown nature of mental illness and the mysteries there but often people with mental illness are unpredictable and whether we mean to or not we rock the boat, and that's hard for people to be okay with or roll with. "Making a scene" is generally looked down upon and while we've gotten used to the slow people waddling around on crutches or Miley Cyrus types going for shock value, we still haven't gotten used to mental illness. I think with time and exposure, acceptance and understanding will come. Right now we're in a transitional phase.

Many males have refused to be interviewed for this project, why do you think that is?
I think it's related to the stigma of mental illness and the expectations and social roles put on men to be strong and stoic. Women have been labeled hysterical and weak for millennia, we're used to it.

Have you accepted the disorder as part of your life?
I am getting there. I think I still retain a vain hope that it will just disappear one day but at the same time I'm willing to adapt a healthier lifestyle so I can thrive no matter what, mental disease or otherwise.

What are your thoughts and hopes for the future?
Someday I hope to feel validated enough to speak openly about bipolar and depression and anxiety as part of my life. It's such a big part of every day for me that it's hard to withhold, it's nothing I ever wished to have as part of my identity but it is an important part of my life whether I like it or not. When someone asks, "What'd you do today?" I'd like to be able to respond honestly instead of carefully avoiding the details about managing my illness. I'd also like to be a mother and with that comes the hope that I can manage my disease and create a stable life not only for myself and my husband but our family as well.

What would you like the general public to know about bipolar disorder?
It's not as scary as you think. Just because we're more emotional and maybe not always reasonable with our feelings and reactions doesn't mean that we're throwaways. We're deeply feeling people with a lot to offer and while we may be sensitive we don't necessarily have to be handled with kid gloves. Sometimes we aren't in control and sometimes you may not have a clue what to do, but just being there and listening is a great gift to someone with this disorder. I think learning more about bipolar is a great opportunity to expand compassion and patience for fellow human beings, because that's all we are-human beings with the emotional volume turned up from time to time!

In your own words try to describe what it's like having bipolar.
Having bipolar is a paradox sometimes. It is an ingrained part of me yet at the same time an alien invader. All the symptoms and strife come from within me but it can feel like someone has hijacked my brain. It's like having an evil, Siamese twin living in your head and sometimes she gets full control of your body and mind no matter how hard you try to ward her off. As hard as it is, sometimes I can't help but be thankful for the rocky path it has directed me down. The insights and compassion I've experienced because of my disease wouldn't have come about if I hadn't been sick and I don't think my husband and I would be as close and as in-love and appreciative of each other had I not been afflicted. So as much as it's horrible, traumatizing, and scary it is also the bearer of blessings in a roundabout way.

Movie: The Apartment

The hubby and I enjoyed this 1960 film with Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine earlier this week. We always enjoy older movies for the "holy cow, look how different life was then!" factor but this movie also struck home in some surprising ways.

The whole premise of the movie is a ladder climbing insurance worker lends his apartment out to executives at his work for their extramarital trysts. It just so happens that he falls for one of the girls being used by an executive.

That's not the part we related to. We related to (SPOILER ALERT) a suicide attempt and subsequent caretaking/observation. Watching Jack Lemmon freak out about leaving his razors out while the suicidal woman recovered in his apartment reminded the hubster of his worries during my spells. Watching the two play Rummy reminded us of our forced activities to distract me from my pain (and we happen to love playing Progressive Rummy together).

It wasn't morbid though. We felt a little sad thinking of the horrible things we've been through but happy to be headed toward the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt a moment of guilt for putting him through such stress, but only briefly before feeling deep respect and appreciation.

My husband doesn't often talk about what he went through and he's still afraid to let me know when his nerves are fraying for fear of triggering a suicidal episode. It was important seeing his truth, hearing part of his story. My first reaction is to feel guilty but when I brush those reflexive thoughts aside I can see the sweeter side, the love and care, his dedication-and I become so grateful and feel such respect for my husband. The dark times are rough, but provide the perfect opportunity to see the worthiest, noblest parts of people and he has surely impressed his worth upon me.

I've been crawling out of a deep hole for a long time and every time I think of "once I'm outta here" I think about being able to take care of my husband, show him that I love him and care for him, and support him in ways that I haven't been able to for a while now. I'm just so glad that he has had enough faith in us to stick around for those brighter days.

Y A W N

Is anyone else sick of Johnny Depp?

I thoroughly enjoyed Rango but I think a huge part of that was the fact that Depp was animated. I got to enjoy a well-acted (by voice) lizard and didn't have to look at the face from a thousand magazine covers for an hour-and-a-half.

I find myself enjoying independent films more often than mainstream flicks because I get to see some new faces. When I watch movies with big stars their fame interrupts my movie experience.

Great Flick

Maybe my brain is just overactive and thinking too much when I should be engrossed in a film-or maybe movie stars are simply overexposed in the 21st century.

So, is anyone else sick of Johnny Depp?

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Gene Wilder!

I remember Gene Wilder from his younger years as Willy Wonka and the sharp-shooting deputy from Blazing Saddles-as I'm sure many of you do too! He's moved away from show business into book business and family life and is turning 79 this year.

Gene Wilder is like a Dr. Seuss to me. The Dr. Seuss of movies. He goes by a different name (Gene was bore Jerome Silberman) and he's a constant presence in my interior entertainment database. There's something delightfully goofy and comforting about Wilder-and I'm glad the word game on my phone brought his birthday to my attention!

Happy Birthday, Gene Wilder! Jerome Silberman! Willy Wonka!

Weather Girl

Considering this flick was rated below a 5/10 on IMDB I didn't have many expectations. But when I couldn't sleep and needed a midnight movie I figured a ho-hum movie would work well to lull me to sleep.

My idea kind of backfired when I found myself laughing and clapping and thoroughly enjoying the movie. There were surprisingly familiar actors in supporting roles-Mark Harmon, Jane Lynch, Jon Cryer-and delightfully believable characters driving the action.

It also doesn't hurt to have a cute guy using his boyish charms on a sassy attitude-y down-on-her-luck gal!

Overall, for a rom-com I was pleasantly surprised and really enjoyed how this film set in Seattle actually felt like Seattle.

The Flying Scotsman

Last night the fiance and I watched "The Flying Scotsman." This film had been recommended for us on Netflix since we first signed up and we hadn't yet watched it, but I'm very glad we did.

The film follows the journey of a bicyclist with an innovative bike design that takes him from an unsatisfying job as a bike courier to a world champion cyclist. 

The kicker? He's a Scottish underdog struggling with mental disease.

This movie is a wonderful watch for any movie lover. It does focus on an athlete's journey but I wouldn't pigeon-hole this film as a sports flick, it's much more than that. 

The depth of the film sneaked up on us while we marveled at Graeme Obree's struggle to the top. There were hints of dark moods coming over Graeme but this film upped the ante with a stunning cinematic peek at Graeme's mental turmoil. 

My fiance was concerned once he saw the darkness of the film, but I was so bowled over by the film's depiction of Graeme's depression/bipolar mood swing that I felt uplifted instead of brought down.

Usually suicide, suicidal thoughts, or depression depicted in films triggers my own depression but this movie was the first in a long while that hasn't affected me in that way. It could be that Graeme overcame his disorder but I think it has more to do with the way his mental illness was depicted and how he found help in the film. 

After seeing "The Flying Scotsman" I'm inspired to find more powerful and objective depictions of mental illness-even if it scares me a bit to watch those films and risk my mood. The first step is being aware of my own sensitivity :o)

Let me know if anyone has recommendations!

Another Assault on the Fiance's Netflix Preferences

My fiance is not a homophobe or gay-hater or anything like that-he's just a little upset that the films and TV shows I've been watching and liking on Netflix have commandeered our Netflix account.

Exhibit A: Rupaul's Drag Race

Combo America's Next Top Model, Project Runway and good old fashioned game show I LOVE watching this show for a pick-me-up and cheery entertainment. It's not all fun and games though-many of the contestants have dark pasts from coping with their sexuality in adverse environments but for me that extra dose of reality and humanity launches this reality TV show above and beyond it's more hetero compatriots.

Exhibit B: Kickoff

This British comedy was delightful and surprising. I'm not much for soccer and I was happy to find that while the film explored some macho football culture it wasn't soccer-centric and didn't alienate non-soccer fans.

In the film a gay team faces off against a fouling, macho team and the ensuing comedy drives forward through the entire film. I was surprised the film covered just one soccer match but the stories of all the players and their confrontations were hilarious and made the time fly.

Exhibit C: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

I have found memories of watching this with my sister and mom so putting one an episode while I'm cleaning is comforting background noise with bursts of entertainment!

Exhibit D: Priscilla Queen of the Desert

Classic. Hilarious. Love it. Terence Stamp is wonderful regardless of gender role!

Anywho, Netflix in all its genius has taken my fun picks and transformed them into a "Gay & Lesbian Movies" section that takes space away from the fiance's comedic, crime, and action/adventure preferences.

Oh the hazards of sharing accounts.

Mwahahahaha!

28 Days

I have heard/seen/recalled this movie for years but never bothered to watch it. I figured-alcoholics? rehab? not the kind of movie I want to watch....

Then the fiance picked it for our movie tonight and I was pleasantly surprised!

Not only was the movie well formed, well acted, moving and funny-it was surprisingly relevant to me as a depressed person. In a lot of ways an addiction problem is like depression (or vice versa).

Both issues can be misunderstood as simply issues of willpower and both diseases alter your perceived personality and dramatically affect your social/family life and functional capacity. Both are socially rejected and stigmatized and both make their victims feel disabled and unable to function in everyday life. Both drench people in shame.

The characters' addictions scared them in ways that my depression scares me-I recognize my disease as a problem to confront but am afraid that it will get the best of me and just like addicts I go through periods of doubt and fear that are overwhelming and consuming.

I was really surprised at how much I enjoyed 28 Days and how much I related to the film, even though I'm not an addict. Check it out if you haven't already-it even features one of my favorite supporting actresses-Elizabeth Perkins!

Wow!

What a movie. The fiance and I just finished watching "The Help." I laughed-I cried-I LOVED IT!

I have to admit that I didn't really know what the movie was about-other than a white girl helping some black maids write a book. I was under the impression that the maids wanted to publish a book about cleaning-not about their lives as maids during segregation.

In the end, I'm glad that I went into the movie with little to no expectations or idea about the film's content and I can honestly say that this movie stands on its own. I haven't read the book, but I'm sure it is just as good to spawn such a wonderful film.

In other news, tonight was my volunteer night at the shelter and I had some more encounters with extreme kitty drool and only one case of nauseating diarrhea!

One cat dripped drool onto my jeans and sweater sleeves while I petted her and she purred. I felt the warm pellets of moisture seep into the cotton of my jeans and warm my skin and in that moment I wasn't annoyed by the sickly slobber at all-I was so happy to be there, comforting that cat while it recovered from it's bout of kitty flu.

While I work on ornaments I listen to KUOW and the world's news. Although KUOW does provide lots of reports and stories about quirky incidents or happy stories, most of the world's news is pretty depressing-especially when the top stories concern Congress. But listening to public radio all day makes me feel so good about helping those sick cats. KUOW helps me appreciate the kitty drool and my own healthy cats here at home.

Today was a good day :o)

Bye Bye, October!

So long, October-just a few short weeks til Thanksgiving and then winter will kick in. I actually don't mind the last few months of the year, it's just the few first months that usually prove the hardest to work through. Luckily I have some vitamins and one of those handy dandy "happy lights" courtesy of the parentals. 

In addition the fiance and I have started jogging together after he gets home from work. I'm more of a trudger, but we have been improving slowly! 

This weekend our engagement shoot got rained out, but we did visit my folks and played some rummy and Wii. I have to battle against acne for another couple of weeks and we'll try to get down to Portland on a semi-sunny day (knock wood). 

While visiting my parents I mentioned our interest in getting a pair of African dwarf frogs like they had and Mom said, "Take 'em away!" So we brought home a couple of little frogs, bought them a new pad, and ceremoniously welcomed them to their new perch on our counter. 

Yes. My counters are dirty. *le sigh*

Tonight is Halloween but we won't be treating the trick or treaters. Instead we'll be making some fudge for my brother and playing cards in front of our off-brand fire log. I'm also pluggin' away at the fiance's cross stitch stocking and making headway, slowly but surely!

A couple weeks and I'll need to be halfway done to finish the stocking before Christmas. It's hard to tell right now, but the finished product will depict a Christmas sled with a sunset and some birds and a little church. The fiance had trouble picking a design but I pushed until he found one that he really loved. The sled is sentimental for him, since his dad built him a sled once many Christmases ago :o)

As for the cats: We bought Millie a light-up toy that absolutely terrifies her and Iroh is being particularly needy lately requesting audiences for his kibble-munching and inviting himself to lap-sit more often than usual!

In other news I watched Heartbreak Ridge today and thoroughly enjoyed it, as usual. If you haven't seen it and you like Clint Eastwood-you're in for a treat!

Good Nights 'n Good Movies

It's been a pretty laid back week (even though the fiance and I managed to get ourselves out for a couple of joggin' sessions) and the fiance and I have spent quite a few pleasant nights watching movies and cuddling with hot drinks!

One of the movies we checked out from the library was "Field of Dreams" with Kevin Costner. I know it's something of a classic but I had never seen it and the fiance had never watched it all the way through.

We really enjoyed it and I cried like a baby at the end! I'm a "Daddy's little girl" and that night we had selected the daddy/daughter dance for our wedding reception so I was primed for a cryin' session ;o) Not to mention my attachment to baseball :o)

Another movie we got to enjoy this week was "The Grapes of Wrath" with Henry Fonda.

The fiance and I both enjoy Steinbeck novels but neither of us have read The Grapes of Wrath yet-but after seeing the movie we've put the book on our to-do list! The book/movie follows a family of dust bowl sharecroppers in their move to California in search of work. While a bit of a tragedy their is humor and a dose of American pride.

The fiance and I are Henry Fonda fans-although the movie we know him best from is decidedly different from "The Grapes of Wrath" - "Yours, Mine, and Ours" with Lucille Ball!

My mom introduced me to "Yours, Mine, and Ours" when I was young and I can accept no substitutes or remakes. Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball make a hilarious team and you can't beat a flock of adolescents spikin' Lucy's drink with a smorgasbord of alcohols!

 Check 'em out and enjoy ;o)

Flick-Four Lions

First off, let me warn you that this movie may not be for everybody. Yes it is a comedy and there is a wonderfully skilled cast and great filming BUT the film's focus is a group of jihadists preparing a terrorist attack. For myself and the fiance, a terrorism comedy was unexpected, thoughtful, and hilarious but for others the topic may be too sensitive to enjoy in jest.

If you are interested, you may be pleasantly surprised!

When the fiance and I first started watching "Four Lions" we were a bit uncomfortable. We didn't know what to think as we watched British jihadists haphazardly filming themselves condemning the consumerist Western lifestyle and bickering about each other's martyrdom status.

The details of their pursuits rang true with our images of jihadi "warriors" but their logic and disjointed attempts were utterly hilarious! After settling into the film we began to enjoy it immensely. I appreciated the realistic portrayal of their cell and their preparations and concerns and the comedy was woven naturally throughout the entire film. 

There is top-notch comedic acting and a wonderfully produced film waiting for you to enjoy, but it may involve "letting yourself go" a bit to fully embrace the film. Yes there is a tragic twinge to the film and it gets you thinking but I think this only improves the value.

And really, how can you pass up a comedy with exploding attack crows, good plain idiocy, and a devious plot that involves these disguises?

Take a chance, open your mind, and enjoy "Four Lions" with some good friends!

On the lighter side...

Saw "Bridesmaids" last week with my folks and the fiance. It was purty-durn funny but also surprisingly crass! Basically the female "Hangover."

Kristen Wiig plays the main character and as with most of her roles there were some plain awkward moments, other moments were hilarious, others painfully awkward.

The movie was over-the-top at times, but right on the money (weddings are freakin' crazy and they make people freakin' crazy!). I absolutely loved the cop/love interest and Melissa McCarthy ("Gilmore Girls," "Mike & Molly") did a marvelous job as the butch sister-in-law.

Wiig's roommates will make you cringe and you'll really want some pink lemonade and cupcakes by the end of the flick. Definitely enjoyable and unique but probably not up for any major awards ;o)

WARNING-first scene is a sex scene and makes watching with parents a little awkward, but after that it's not so bad!