Changed Looks Again

I was missing my old header picture and decided to put it back up! Makes things a little tough to read and I just don't care much at the moment :o)

Sneaky Momma Bloggin' in the AM...

The boys are still snoozing this warm Saturday morning and I am in the dining room typing away, only a little on edge as I wait for the waking cry of my toddler. It always stresses me out to some degree waiting for the waking sounds but this morning it's not so bad, I'm even a little relaxed and content as I let the boys sleep on a bit longer.

I think the happy feelings have a little to do with having had therapy yesterday and discussing my self-judgments and implementing grateful thoughts and building up my self-esteem instead of letting myself sink into mental spaces where I'm constantly apologizing for myself and feeling bad about my existence. That's no way to live. Talk about bringin' ya down! It's miserable!

Right now I feel grateful that I'm able to wake up and get moving in the morning and that I have routines like making coffee for the hubby and getting a little breakfast prepped and hitting the gym and that I have things to look forward to like visiting the local espresso stand before the owners hand it over to the new owners next week (sad but true, I'm losing my favorite baristas!). I'm trying to teach myself to dwell in the positive and when I succeed at this it feels pretty dang good.

So, I'm trying to cheer myself on internally and participate more earnestly in a healthier, happier lifestyle to bolster my lifeforce and stability. I'm trying to acknowledge and appreciate the progress that I've made the last few months and praise myself for all the hard work that I've been doing instead of harping on myself for all the things that still remain to be improved (it's so dang easy for my brain to see the darker sides of things!).

On that note, I will try to be kinder to myself today and I hope that my readers and blogging friends can be kind to themselves too and hopefully have some happy moments like I'm having now. It certainly saddens me to know that so many share similar struggles with mental health but I'm so grateful to have found this community and source of inspiration and support-thank you all <3

Happy weekend! Thank you for being you! Good luck and big smiles :o)

A to Z, Farewell Fun Enterprise!

Today is May Day and the end of 2016's "A to Z Challenge."

It was my first time undertaking the challenge and I very much enjoyed myself. Not all of the letters were as simple or inspiring as others but I made ends meet and felt good about my theme and my writing; from "A" all the way to "Z" ;o)

My theme, by the way, was Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. Little did I know how relevant this would become after April 11th when I made an attempt on my life (my first true suicide attempt in a long career of depression and mental health struggles).

Thankfully we're keeping a much closer eye on my medications and my ECT treatment taper now. The hubby is especially cautious whenever I'm withdrawn or quiet and I'm grateful for his concern and care.

Some might say that it's attention-seeking writing so openly about this, but for me it's a political act against the stigma of mental health issues and the extreme isolation they cause. I do not think I'm some attention whore seeking "oohs and aahs," but rather a hurting soul sharing her story so that others struggling with their own pain might feel encouraged to speak up or reach out for help, companionship, reassurance, encouragement, or simply a listening ear.

It's not a bad thing to ask for exactly what you need and if anyone reading this contacts me with specific concerns, please feel free to include a phrase along the lines of, "I just need some reassurance" or "I just need to know that I'm not alone" or "I just need a few kind words to keep me going," because you wouldn't be the only one, the first one, or the last to need a little something to help you along your way-and I would be happy to provide that support if I possibly could!

*sigh* It's such a hard road sometimes. I know that many of my readers understand this completely. It's such a hard road sometimes. Sometimes it's wonderful and beautiful and rewarding, and sometimes it's a challenge just to make it out of bed but we're not alone in this and I think that this is one very important thing that the challenge did for me, was remind me that I'm not alone in my struggles.

Sure, mine are unique, but they are also shared in a certain way among thousands of my comrades and it's good to remember that every time I survive one more day I survive not just for myself and my family and my friends but all those people struggling with the same diseases and diagnoses that I so often conceal from the world and try to ignore. We're all battling these things together. As we survive, we honor each other's value and lives through our existence.

Yeah, this is dramatic but I think it's very true. Nothing matters until we decide it matters and there is increasing push toward valuing and encouraging quality living no matter what our disease, which is a very beautiful thing in a sometimes heartless world.

So I bid farewell to this year's "A to Z Challenge" and my theme of Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive by calling our attention to these heavy, important, challenging topics one more time and taking with me for the long haul a new comfort level in discussing my personal story and my personal pain more openly on my blog than I may have before this challenge in the hopes of helping just one other soul on their journey to wellness... and helping myself live well for myself and my family as well!

Be well, everyone, and thank you for reading.

V is for Virtual Friends #atozochallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

V is for virtual friends, and I don't mean to be insulting here, but V is for virtual friends because I have more people that I feel are my friends online and in the "virtual world" than I do in real life. Or, if not more, it's a very close race.

I don't mean to say that these friends are not "real" I just mean to say they're in my lappy, in the interwebs, for me they exist in pixels. I know you all (and my friends from other locales) live real lives and actually, truly exist (at least I'm pretty dang sure) and I'm very grateful that you exist-in the real world and in the virtual world.

My virtual friends provide a source of support that I simply don't have in real life and my virtual friends are accepting of me in my most honest and genuine form (next to the me that my husband gets to know, but I think that's fair). I've felt pretty down at many points along this blog's lifespan and my virtual friends have accepted and supported me regardless. I appreciate that more than I even grasp right now. It's a big deal-sometimes too big for my addled brain to comprehend.

Thank you, my friends. I call you my "bloggin' buddies," my husband knows some of you by name (BTW Birdie, he's been asking after you and is excited about your dishtowels, he hopes you are doing well), and when something good or something bad happens in my life my blog is almost always the first stop to share the story because I feel safest here-and that's due in large part to you all.

I'm so glad to "know" you and I appreciate your place in my life very, very much. Thank you!

I is for Intimacy #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

I is for intimacy because intimacy, for me, is a vital part of a life worth living and an essential part of my recovery and maintained wellness.

Intimacy is defined in a variety of ways but for my purposes I'm referring to the  definitions that include: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group; the quality of being comfortable, warm, or familiar; an act of expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection or the like; an amorously familiar act; sex.

What in my life fits that bill? Well, sex is pretty obvious. It is what it is (and thankfully the hubbo and I aren't having problems in that department! we have enough challenges methinks!). Those other types of intimacy take some translating, some scouting, some sussing out on occasion to really appreciate and recognize.

Take for instance the simple act of eye contact shared with my husband during an emotional, upsetting moment this weekend when I was crying and out of sorts; his hand on my thigh as we are driving down the freeway; playing catch with my sister and listening to her birth story and sharing my insights (I'm a trained birth doula); even bringing someone a cup of water without a request having been made are all examples of intimacy. 

Playing cards can be an intimate act that is validating and distracting and soothing. Hiking or going for a walk and sweating my ass butt off and getting all grody with someone is intimate (to me) as is sharing how I'm really feeling or shedding tears in front of someone and having them acknowledge my feelings or tears. 

Of course, many of my favorite intimate moments are shared with my husband (that's a big part of why he's the hubster, after all) and many of those are private and not meant to be shared BUT I will share this story with you...

It was late, say 10:30 or 11:00 at night, Baby Bananaface had been asleep for a couple hours and the hubs and I had watched our couple episodes of "Burn Notice" and hopped into bed only to realize that I hadn't taken my evening medication (big no-no for someone with BPD). With my particular medicine I need to eat about 300 calories when I take it to make sure that it absorbs properly. Well, I haven't been particularly interested in food so getting me to eat is a bit of challenge; especially after I've brushed my teeth and already been snuggled into bed ready to sleep!

As I'm consuming random bits of food after taking my pill I see the hubbo suddenly lurching around kicking as high as he can into the air followed by stifled groaning and "shaking it off" and rubbing and flexing his inner thigh/hip. I asked what he was doing and he said he was trying to do a "kick like Michael does in the show."

Next thing you know, I'm attempting a roundhouse kick and nearly launching my hubby into the pantry as I make *surprising* contact with his chest as I whirl around. He lost his balance, I wobbled around like a rhino on two legs and we ended up clonking heads, tickling each other, giggling and squealing as quietly as we could as we regained our composure. 

I had teased him just before my stunt about "obviously didn't learn how to do a roundhouse kick when you were younger" and he asked, after his attack, "Where did you learn to do a roundhouse kick?! Were you a Girl Scout?" 

I laughed heartily and replied, "A) No. I was not a Girl Scout. B) Do they even teach roundhouse kicks in Girl Scouts?" 

Guess we have a conversation starter next time we go in for some Thin Mints....

Anybody have a favorite "intimacy" story they'd like to share? A moment with a total stranger or a moment with a close loved one?

B is for Blogger (well duh!) #atozchallenge

This post is part of my first year doing the A to Z Challenge and I happen to be writing under the theme Gratitude: The Things That Keep Me Alive. This is a relevant theme for me as I am struggling with postpartum depression, and also have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar II (just to let you know what's going on with me-it might be pertinent as you read the post below). Thank you for stopping by and reading my post!

B is for Blogger because blogging... wow, blogging. I haven't really sat down and thought about this before! This is kind of a big deal! 

B is for Blogger because blogging is a big part of my life and a great part of my life. Blogging is more than just an outlet, more than just a way to express myself or practice writing. Blogger is one of the few places I actually feel safe (even as I type that it feels totally ridiculous but also still true) and one of the few places I have friends that I actually believe to be my friends (that might sound weird but it's something that I've struggled with for a long time and it's an important fact).

Many moons ago when I started blogging I was skeptical and only loosely aware of how the whole thing worked and definitely only mildly aware of Blogger functioned. The hubster was a huge part of me starting blogging. Without his encouragement, I might never have started a blog and without his ongoing support I certainly wouldn't still be blogging today. The lovely readers and fellow bloggers that leave comments and encourage me are also a big part of why I'm still blogging, and in that way, why I'm even partaking in this A to Z Challenge at all! 

I'm so grateful for this tool, this outlet, this safe place in my life. I'm grateful for Blogger itself (despite all the functional, "are you kidding me?" hiccups and such) but I'm also grateful for the opportunities that Blogger has presented to me and all the unique people, stories, pictures, and conversations that I've been able to experience because of Blogger.

There are days when I feel self conscious, when I'm afraid to click "Publish" or too ashamed, embarrassed, or fearful to leave a comment or say what I really think or feel, but more often than not I get past those feelings and I get to publish, I get to write, I get to partake, I get to socialize and for me that is a big, honkin' deal. This gal don't get out much, folks, so the socializing outlet Blogger presents is important! It's also a huge part of my recovery and maintaining wellness... a huge part. Even when I'm just typing/talking to the wall it helps because I can be myself a whole lot more through blogging than I can through Facebook or even real life.

So even though it means admitting my anti-social, awkward, self-conscious, foibles-I am typing it to the heavens: 

THANK GOODNESS FOR BLOGGER!

Happy Bloggerversary Me!

Today marks five years since I launched "Hannah Bananaface." Five whole years! Is it just me, or do the "fives" seem to have more shine on 'em? 10th, 15th, 20th, 25th? *big grin* Don't know how far I'll get, but I plan to keep typin' along for however long I can blog my face off.

I feel proud. I feel happy with myself. I like my cozy little corner of the internet and even though I still have my anxious moments on occasion when posting or commenting, I feel like I've got my sea legs. Not a Blogger captain by any means, but I know what most of the buttons mean now ;o)

My blog has become a pretty big part of my life. For a while I blogged to the great beyond and avoided commenting on others' blogs because I was too nervous! Now I have "blogger friends," a source of joy and support, that I love to read and encourage. They are compassionate and encouraging to me as well as I write about my struggles and victories and I so appreciate having them in my life. Even those readers that don't say anything, thank you. Thank you, readers and blogging buddies!

Appreciation, as usual, brings to mind my amazing husband. Since this blog was his idea I must express my gratitude on this anniversary to the hubster for pushing me toward blogging in the first place. Thank you, hun. Thank you for loving me as thoroughly as you do. Beyond hugs, supporting our family, and commonsense anti-anxiety speeches you got a nervous girl like me bloggin'! You continue to impress me (and lots of others) and I do not know what I would do without you.

Well, lucky for me, my special little anniversary fell on a Saturday this year! So the hubs and I decided to go out for a special dinner. No therapy, no work, no class, no appointments to conflict with our little celebration <3

So cheers and Happy Blogging to all! Thank you for reading, I do appreciate it a lot.



And Happy Bloggerversary to me :o)

Poop Runaround, I'm Not Crazy, and Marshmallows

The Runaround

Yesterday was quite a day. It could've been a train wreck but somehow I bumbled my way through it without getting bowled over.

To kick off the day, Baby had a sleeper diaper. Sleeper as in first diaper of the morning but also as in "sleeper cell." I had no idea he was cheerfully sitting on a secret mother lode. I was unzipping his sleeper sack when I noticed a blotch of telltale orange and then found more... and more. After cleaning him up and stain sticking his sleeper (quite thoroughly) I retraced my steps to find where I had laid my poop-laden sleeper whilst being unaware of his hazardous cargo. I found little poo stains in his crib, in our bed, and on the blanket in his bassinet in our bedroom. Prolific this child!

I was already staring down the barrel of a crapton of laundry, but the morning's antics just upgraded it to shitton. Somewhat literally to boot. To top off the minor cluster I started my period all while having had slept in as long as I thought we could to still make therapy on time. Oy.

I managed to eat brekkie and make it to therapy, deciding to hit up the local latte stand (very friendly owners that always cheer me up) on the way instead of waiting to swap laundry. It was a pretty good session, I had a few rambles but actively tried to focus on quality discourse and made my way back on topic (with the therapist's help) much more than usual. I often get over-chatty not having had much socialization over the week!

I'm Not Crazy

During our session we talked a lot about motherhood and my parenting style, which is apparently pretty similar to "attachment parenting." I have been having a hard time coping with Baby's cries when I can't get to him before he cries or I can't comfort him (say, during car rides or when the hubbo has him and I'm occupied) and was worried that I was "over responsive."

She said no, that's not possible and it's actually very good that I'm so responsive. She explained that right now, before Baby has begun differentiating, he thinks that we are one, he and I as one being, so my responding to him isn't just building his trust in me it's building his self confidence. When I meet his needs and respond promptly he feels like he is meeting his own needs, building self reliance, esteem, and confidence. All things that we want! I'm not crazy!

I found this helpful not just for reassuring myself that I'm not an over-aggressive AP parent or over the top/helicopter type parent but also as a bridge of sorts to help bring the hubbo and I together in our parenting. He's been having a hard time understanding why I get so upset when Baby cries and why it's so difficult for me when he takes longer to respond to Baby's fussies. Now I feel like I have the tools to explain!

Marshmallows

Another therapy plus was a random discussion about my sister. It spawned from some worries I had about my mothers' visit, that she might bring up my blog and tell me to stop it for my sister's sake. A little "out there" since I'm not even sure my mom is aware of the blog but whatever...

I mentioned that my sister has seemed to threaten me about my blog a couple of times, like she would reveal my secret identity or something. Emotional honesty is pretty risque in my family, so I have tried to keep this blog mostly anonymous while maintaining the levels of disclosure I require for a therapeutic effect and genuineness but I think it still shows up when you blog my full name and look through the results somewhat thoroughly. Due to the content and needing to feel free to express myself, I've tried to keep this blog from my family (other than hubbo).

Well, a few times in certain family talks my sister will randomly say something about this blog. Something like "I know about that blog" combined with a challenging look that makes me freeze in fear. It's threatening! It's scary! I mentioned this in therapy and my therapist asked, "Well, is there any validity behind the threat? Is there anything dangerous in you blog?" and I quickly realized there wasn't. My sister was being an emotional terrorist!

The visual I came up with was marshmallows. In a way she was threatening to call the cops on me for having marshmallows in my pantry. I freak out thinking she has a case, but when I think about it... marshmallows are legal, I have nothing to fear! She's threatening to "out" me and my honest feelings which are considered "illegal" in my first family, but in reality, I have nothing to fear.


As I said, it could have been a doozey day, but I managed to keep a level head, stay fed, watered, and even keeled through all the laundry and baby care and emotional waves, so... yay me. I'm grateful and happy for a successful day, I needed it!

Curious

My entire "Reading List" through Blogger has disappeared. Maybe this is what other Blogger bloggers mean when they abstractly refer to "issues with Blogger" before jumping ship to another service. Many moons ago the hubster tried to introduce me to WordPress but it didn't take. 

I remember one of the blogs that I regularly read but I have yet to refill all my "follows." I may never regain the list as I don't remember all of them! Maybe I'll find some new ones. I am slightly annoyed and befuddled but overall not too upset. Sometimes I fantasize about a fire wiping out all my possessions so I don't have to fret about what to keep and what to toss, I guess a Blogger glitch is close enough.

In other news, I played a (kinda mean) game with Fio today. 

Not sure if I've mentioned it before but he has "blankies." As in, he picks a favorite blankie that we get for his crate and he humps, sucks, nibbles, and drags this blankie around with him for months on end until we eventually have to throw it out (his current blankie is near the end of it's life and looks like it's been attacked by moths or pirahnas). 

Well, he gets possessive of this blanket so I decided to play a little game whereby I took the blankie and made him wait to go get it back. The catch was that he would have to calm down before I would let him go to his blankie. Little did I know that it would take him damn near half an hour to completely give up, lay down and stop whimpering, rolling around, crawling toward, sneaking around, and otherwise begging for his blankie. 

Yeah. It sounds pretty cruel. But it was an interesting experiment and I felt like it was important to exercise dominance over the beloved blankie since he can get a bit territorial if the cats sniff or walk too close to it. 

Dogs!

Begone BlogHer!

I have officially given up on BlogHer and deleted that account. After the tech-guy (aka the hubby) couldn't figure out how to make it work better for me, I asked an admin to delete my account.

It was quite stressful for me. Feeling like a failure, having to ask for help, having to ask for help again. But now that it's over, I'm relieved.

It seems like a great service and platform for many women bloggers, but it didn't feel right to me. The main issue was not being able to link my blog with that service and then having to copy and paste to repost in BlogHer. It was a pain and their blogging service was cruddy. So I will stick with Blogger! The hubby is a fan of WordPress, but I don't think I could handle that change right now, especially considering all the changes I have just made...

The blog has been repainted and I started up a Twitter to match! The whole process is just about complete and I think it'll stick for a good while. It did get me thinking about exposure though, which is a tricky thing for me.

Yes, I started this blog just for myself without expecting many visitors or readers but now that I've been blogging for a couple years and have racked up a few comments and followers I have been thinking more about my public face. It's kind of funny, as much as I think and speak out about stigma and mental illness, I'm afraid to walk the walk! I'm afraid of my real-world Hannah and my Hannah Bananaface realm colliding.

As far as my personal life, I don't really care. I don't have much of a personal life outside this apartment and those friends that I do have are supportive. My family... I don't know. There is a big tradition of shame in my family and while I'm pretty sure my siblings couldn't care less I'm afraid my parents would be concerned. Embarrassed and concerned about my job prospects down the line if a potential employer were to discover the blog.

Which boils everything down to why I started blogging the first place, mental health. It's the poison in the water, the content that makes the blog "touchy." Mental health is the reason I'm afraid to step out of my shell for fear of my clients and potential clients thinking less of me.

The hubster did a good job of reassuring me. Letting me know that I'm not "that crazy." I'm not a danger to myself or others, so what should anyone care? But I have to consider the fact that clients might not want to work with someone who has anxiety issues or depression. It has never conflicted with my work as a doula and I'm remarkably good at stowing my private issues away to jump into doula action when needed, but that might not matter to certain people. Certain people don't want to be around anybody "mental" at all.

Well, I guess if they don't want to be around me, I won't be around them! I'll have to have faith that things will work out and most people won't ever link me to this blog or read Hannah Bananaface. Let's face it, I'm a small fish in a big, big pond! Maybe I'm not perfectly anonymous, but I'll run the risk of ripples in my personal life to preserve my blogging life. After all, I see HBF more than I see most of my friends and family ;)

So here I come world, a-Twittering and a-blogging to my heart's content!

Nope, Still Here!

Had a couple births over the last few weeks and kinda got distracted from the blog.

Okay, that's not the only reason I haven't blogged but it's a big part of it. After a birth I'm usually out of things for a few days and August had two births crammed into it but I've also been hiding.

When I'm on top of taking my pills and supplements I use a weekly pill planner (two actually) and fill them weekly as I run out. Well after the first birth I didn't refill them and stopped taking most everything. After the second birth, I didn't refill them and still wasn't taking anything. I've popped a thyroid medication intermittently maybe twice a week but I've pretty much ceased all other supplements.

I kept it from hubster because I knew he wouldn't be pleased. I'm not very pleased with myself either!

The pills are one thing, but another down-on-my-health bother is my right hip. It's been bugging me for weeks now, usually only when I've been sitting on a hard surface for too long but occasionally after driving or even sitting on the couch.

I think it's because I've been so inactive and haven't been doing yoga for months now. At least that makes sense to me and I don't recall any injuries. Either way, it makes me hobble like an old crone until things unlock and start working again, thankfully it usually goes away with a few minutes of walking.

I seem to have aggravated my already annoying shoulder knot, but shoulder tension is a pretty regular part of my life so just a teensy more bothered by that lately! Need to suck it up and do some dang yoga already!

Otherwise, I've had a few down days but overall haven't taken a huge dip (thankfully). I know I'm walking the line and need to get my butt back in gear though, no need to tempt fate and the suicide gremlin (why yes, that's what I call it).

In other news, I went to British Columbia with my sister for a couple days this week and had a really good time. I sweated like a pig and stunk up the place but still enjoyed the trip and even the rain and thunderstorms (dang humidity I could've done without!).

Fio went to the vet and she deemed his recent scratching and skin irritation to be summer allergies that shouldn't need medication just the occasional Benadryl based on symptoms. Also said he should get a professional teeth cleaning next year and have his anal glands done soon. Lovely. That conversation led the hubby and I to this video:

We laughed and cringed. What mature pet owners we be!

Internal Dialogue

Sometimes I am downright cruel to myself. It's something I've been trying to work past for years.

Over two years ago I started this blog to practice expressing myself, attempt to validate myself, and improve my life, but last night I didn't feel so good about my blogging.

Yesterday I joined BlogHer. I'm still not completely wrapped around what I'm doing on BlogHer but I was compelled and so I joined. After the initial thrill wore off the all too familiar anxiety set in.

Who am I to call myself a blogger? What have I really been saying these past two years? What's the point of this blog? Do I really have a theme or point to any of my posts?

And worst of all:

Is this blog just a glorified Facebook full of bloated "nothing" posts?

Thankfully, I was able look past my panic and shaky self-value and wonder where all these thoughts come from.

A big chunk of this negativity blossoms from my horrible self-esteem/self-worth, but what I found most intriguing was a tiny glimmer behind that familiar dark shroud. That little glimmer whispered, "Because you haven't been honest."

Sure, I've shared a lot in this blog. I've even made some great insights, but for the most part I haven't been honest.

I haven't been completely myself, I've shied away from insight and embracing my full emotions and opinions. I've wimped out.

And now, I'm going to try accepting myself and stop holding back, stop stifling, stop hiding.

Here goes!