Success and Pending (?) Success

I spent five days in Washington to help out my sister following her hysterectomy. I had spent anxious weeks worrying but at some point a few weeks ago I tried to focus my energy on letting go and not putting myself in a position of judgment when it comes to my sister. She's doing her best. I gotta let it go. And it helped. 

It was a tiring visit and it was go-go-go but I had a good time, even when it was just me and my sister. My parents were super appreciative and I got some quality time with my brother and his family as well. Overall, it was great. Just tiring.

As far as pending success, I started my new position on Tuesday (day after I returned from Washington) and it's been great so far. A little slow because I don't have the permissions I need to get on certain programs yet, but everyone has been really nice and there don't appear to be major red flags waving at me from every corner.

BB's course request form needs to be turned in and I REALLY hope he gets Art for one of his electives!!!

I'm squished. My brain is goo. I'm so tired. I'm hitting the hay! Weird, short awkward post be damned haha

Good night all ;o)

Road Trip

Attempting to post some pics from our quick road trip this weekend via email…. So we’ll see how this goes! 

We went to southern Utah and checked out Bryce and Capitol Reef parks. Had a delicious experience at Hell’s Backbone too. Good times and great views! 

Little bit of a stretch

It's been a little bit since I posted I guess!

BB had a great birthday and we just returned from visiting the hubster's parents for his mom's birthday next week. BB had a day off school and we squeezed in a trip picking him up early and missing Friday as well... not the most points for responsible parenting, but I think his mom needed a visit.

She's not doing well mentally because of my father-in-law's Parkinson's and how much it is affecting their lifestyle. Namely, she's in charge of nearly everything and can never leave the house. I don't know how bad it truly is, it's hard to say from hundreds of miles away and a few visits every year, but she's definitely upset. Understandable. 

We've tried to get her out of the house, agreed to pay for a nurse to check on Dad or even have the hubster stay there instead and let her travel ANYWHERE, but Hubs's dad refuses everything we offer to try and help. 

This weekend was a bit of a breakthrough because we got Hubs's dad to agree to try and process some paperwork to get home health care help. That way Mom can get some help with the house and hopefully escape for some retail therapy or something to restore herself. 

It's stressful. The hubs has a sister that lives near their parents, but she wants to move. I'm worried for what the future holds. The hubs cannot handle moving back and I wouldn't want to either, but the thought occurred to me... what if that sister moves? What then? Hubster said himself, big moves can tax elderly people and send them into a downward spiral and financially I don't think moving his folks down here would be feasible. It's just... it's just a what if. And really? I don't think I need to dwell on it. But it's there, and I mentioned it. So that helps a little. 

Anyways. Spring break is coming up and I have a trip planned to go to help out my sister after her surgery in April... but I did just accept an offer of employment to be an office assistant at an insurance claims office. I was SHOCKED when I got the offer call, but I think I'm happy. I mean, after that horrible job I left in December I'm jaded and scarred and a bit scared of any work situation, but I think this will be better than subbing and it helps the Hubs's stress a lot to have a steady stream of income, BUT he says if it isn't feeling good or not working, just quit. So. We shall see. It's a big company with legit HR forces, so I don't suspect I'm going to be faced with another emotionally dangerous narcissistic overlord, but who knows.

Just gotta dip a toe and see what the world is offering me now...

Birthday Incoming & General Update

BB is turning 11 -  E L E V E N ! - this week. It blows my mind. Not just to think how long I've had this blog, but how long it's been since he was born. It doesn't feel like a decade ago. I love the person he is so much. He's sensitive and sweet, smart and insightful but innocent still. He loves reading and art and Minecraft (of course) and LEGO (fun!). 

There are hard things too. He had a breakdown yesterday and has had them before where he gets overwhelmed and can barely speak and cannot enunciate what's wrong. It's difficult, but familiar in a way that I can relate to. His ADHD definitely complicates things sometimes and makes school a lot more challenging. His conference last night was a little sad talking about how hard it is for him to complete his work and turn it in (but his test scores are awesome). The teacher hopes that next year's introduction of letter grades and percentages will help him lock it in and improve those executive functioning skills. After all, you can talk about the future and how things will change and what will need to happen until you're blue in the face and it won't do much until the change is at your doorstop and begins to happen. 

We are having a birthday party at a local fun center where they have games, inflatables, a rink and more. They serve pizza and ice cream to the kids and take care of just about everything, but it still stresses me out trying to keep track of the kiddos for the pizza and for the cake and for the present opening and when their parents come to pick them up... that said, I think it's better for everyone compared to a home birthday. BB went to a party there years ago and it was all over - he has never wanted anything else for his birthday since haha. I'm glad he's happy.

My birthday was two weeks ago and went super well. We had friends (my goddaughter's family) come into town for President's Day weekend and we had some fun adventures and good times. The cake I bought I believe I could've made just as well, so that was a little disappointing, but now I know and it was fun to try a new bakery item out at a local stop. I felt special and grateful. It was a good birthday, and 37 doesn't feel too bad yet.

Three weeks ago I hosted a Galentine's Day party and two people stood us up without any notice or apology. That leaves a little stank on the whole thing, but the party itself was lovely. Everyone really like the bag charm kit and we had fun catching up. These were friends that I met through my last job and while it was a little... bleh talking about my boss and the old job, it was nice to catch up and have some girly social time. 

In other news, I've been doing pretty well since leaving that job I think. I really like being able to help out more around the house, run BB around more, and my stress levels are way down. I do feel a bit bad about not subbing more and bringing in funds. We're not in a tight spot yet, as far as I know, but I have been looking for a steady job as well. I think I'm going to be pretty picky though. I'm already feeling scarred from this last gig, I don't think having another flame out would be good for me.

I've been reading about religions and trying to reorient my own spirituality as we look into a private religious school for BB and the hubster explores on his spiritual journey as well. I'm still in a transitory phase, but at least I'm feeling more.. curious and less desperate. I'm in a transition and I've got to meander through and wait for the journey to unravel. 

Weather in Utah has been warm generally, but we've had some rain lately. Thankfully. Unfortunately the snow has been non-existent to pathetic and sad. The early blooming bulbs are out blooming in the front yard and the tulips and other bulbs are coming up too. It's wild!

Sending good vibes out to y'all.

Hesitant

Last night there was a little social snafu with the hubs... he came home from a massage and asked how I was and I was honest. *dun dun dun* I shrugged and he immediately latched on and probed for more information. I was feeling a little confused but not great, not unstable either, and hesitant to share. 

When I did share a little, it harshed his cool and I felt horrible. I had meant to ask how his massage went and how he was feeling and then it turned into a little therapy sesh/snit thing that I wished never happened. 

The gist was me feeling unsure and lost about my employment situation. Not knowing where I want to go from here and worrying about finances. He just doesn't seem to understand why I worry about finances because from his perspective we are fine. Don't have a huge buffer right now or vacay fund because I'm not bringing anything in, but he said that 60% of why I work isn't for the money. It's for the health benefits of having a schedule and being social.

I'm just not sure where I am or where I want to go. That feeling of my early twenties just happened is fading, for sure, but I still get ghosts of that era when I used to feel like I was going somewhere. Like there was something in store for me. I just don't feel that anymore. It seems like it's up to me to make something happen now and there is volition and responsibility in play. 

I was thinking about doula work, but I think that my nostalgia is clouding my vision. I felt found when I discovered doula work and it seemed to fit me except for the health issues around sleep and anxiety waiting for babies to arrive. So I'm not sure if it's a good idea to pursue that because of the hours and my sleep needs and my difficulty managing anxiety around due dates. But for a second, it felt like I was returning to a good path... it did make me think of becoming a birth educator though.  Which seems like it might be hard to break into and not be very lucrative, but could work for me with schedule. I don't know. Maybe it's work exploring.

I'm also feeling hesitant to approach the precipice of a life transition. I think I have to dive into this and explore to find out where I want to go, but I feel afraid of what I might find and anxious about taking responsibility for myself. I feel like I've been floating along and now I've got to figure out which tributary to navigate. Not that the river is going to end, but there does seem to be some pressure to assume control. Which hasn't always been the case.

Part of it may be the hubs's faith journey making me think lately. I've been thinking more and more about religion and what I believe and I think that loops into the whole "taking life by the horns" thing. I feel a lack of direction and guidance, and maybe I'm searching for some. Hesitantly. 

Pfft. As I've mentioned, it's a bit much for me and right now my hair is nearly dry and I'm planning on a Costco run. So I guess I'll shelve this for a moment and delve into more reflection later. (teehee, "shelve" and "delve" rhyme)

Hugs and hope to all. 

Back at Home Base

Back at home base after a trip north for Christmas. It's been a messy few days of sleeping in and bumbling around trying to be productive but really just... bumbling through. 

The trip north was surprisingly uneventful but draining. We landed very early, got a rental and drove four hours to the other side of the state to see the hub's parents. Then, a few days later, we drove back to the west side to see my family for about a week. It was a lot of socializing and Hubster was totally over it by the last few days. Unfortunately, my mom and I had already planned an early birthday party for him the morning of our departure. So, he suffered a bit more than necessary with an extra burst of visiting from my sibs and our nieces and nephews in addition to my folks that morning. But it was good for BB to see. his cousins one last time.

There was no drama. Very little tension. Not much new. It just... was. We decided that next year will include a shorter trip. It's just so exhausting being away from home that long with our families. A big ole cruise is a different sort of exhausting. but 10-days up north with family visits and holiday events. Too much for these old birds. Hehe

Hubs turned 40 yesterday. I made my first beef Wellington ever for him (per his request) and despite some emotional turbulence I made it through. The prosciutto was tearing, the duxelles wasn't fine enough, and I didn't like the sear on the beef, but it turned out delicious and not major leakage or soggy bottom! He was very happy. I was so concerned about a lame birthday that I had to take an Ativan, but he seemed content. I'm relieved. 

His real birthday celebration for himself is a marathon down in Arizona. He's going alone and I'm worried about him being in bad shape afterward like St. George marathon went. But he's going to go down Friday, run Saturday, and fly back super early Sunday. The best I can do is help him once he's home. 

Now that I've resigned from my assistant/receptionist position I'm feeling more money concerns. I jumped the gun getting things rolling for substituting around the local districts and I got myself into a little bit of a pickle. My district ID and email need to be activated for one district and I didn't do it before the holiday break. So now I think I have Monday to get activated, get into the system and do my trainings before issues arise and my employment is possibly preempted. So.. my bad. I just didn't have it in me to take care of it before the break and then the week of Christmas was Christmas! It just didn't happen. I think I needed to take more time after quitting before leaping into the subbing stuff. 

Anyway. We're home. We're going to find a new normal. We're going to hope 2026 brings some better days... and some snow!