Saturday, June 30, 2012

Had To Share

This article about Olympic weightlifter Sarah Robles was great. Sad but great.

Talk about passion for your sport-I hope she brings home the gold for HERSELF! You go girl.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

I'm Losing My Touch

This is the second time this month I've come home with a boo-boo from my volunteer shift.

The week before last it was scratches and a cat bite (which luckily didn't get infected). This week I got a scratch on my palm from a normally very friendly cat.

What the heck is going on?

Am I losing my cat whisperer skills since Fio entered my life?

I've certainly been more on-edge and anxious since we got the dog, but that also coincides with financial awareness and stress, so it'd most likely be because of that and not really my pup. Either way I feel like a big sissy lately.

Okay, I haven't been crying or breaking down or super anxious where I can't leave the house. By "sissy" I mean that I'm feeling down on myself because I have backslid a bit. I'm not as confident, relaxed, assured, or joyful. I feel like the weak Hannah when my depression and anxiety is getting the better of me and I don't like that feeling!

This morning I was reminded of how everyday is a fresh start and I'm going to cling to that and hope for better days!

What Am I Letting Go?

Considering all the intense feelings around my wedding of late I thought I would type down some of my plans and try to hammer down what I wanted and what I expect and what I hope for.

*the wanted*

Originally I wanted a small wedding. A ceremony with select family and friends amounting to less than 25 people and a reception with a few more friends but still well below 50 people.

The fiance and I were planning on a homey, semi-informal reception with table games, a little dancing, cocoa, coffee, and tea. A pinata throw down between myself and the fiance. No booze, little formality, and not a DJ in sight.

Myself, my sis, bff, Mom, and other gal pals making the cake.

We were planning on an outdoor, morning ceremony with an early afternoon reception so we could catch an evening flight off the continent to some faraway honeymoon spot.

*the expected*

Now we have our morning ceremony planned on grounds where my parents have rented out a slew of cabins with hot tubs and fire rings and room for a buffet, dance floor, and possibly a live band for later in the evening.

The ceremony will have right around 25 people in attendance and the reception at 3ish in the afternoon will add at least 50 more. We'll be having a champagne toast and hiding the beer until darkness falls. Although I wouldn't be shocked to see people drinking at dinner and into the night.

We have table games to be placed at the tables and are compiling a list of songs for our playlist. Pinata death match is planned and I designed a door prize game with cartoon versions of the newlyweds for our guests to vote on.

The core group of ceremony guests will be staying on the grounds the night before and night of the ceremony. The fiance and I were going to be up early Sunday to get to the airport but now it looks like we'll have a relaxed brunch before heading home to Jet City.

*the hoped for*

I hope the whole thing doesn't get to feeling too big for its britches. I detest the forced formality at most weddings. I suppose I get this from my limited experience and TV exposure to weddings where regular down-home folk try to evoke the perceived glory of vaunted celeb and TV weddings.

I hope to avoid awkward social moments as much as possible even though I know that's next to impossible! Even the limited guest list we had in mind during early planning wouldn't guarantee smooth sailing :o)

I think I glorified the small, intimate wedding as being more personal and authentic. I'm afraid that a larger affair will diminish the ... well, the "sacred." It's hard to put in words but something feels strange to me about traditional mucho grande weddings... Like they are less meaningful in some way? At least to me it feels that way.

Hopefully I'll gain insight to that later. I'm sure I'm not the only one but I'm also sure that they feel just right to other people....

Hmpf. Those are some of my thoughts. And now, I shall poop the pooch as he seems to be doing his "gotta go" dance!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


This year seems to be about reality. Not that I'm in the trenches or experiencing "life on the streets" or some other cinematic awakening 'real life' experience. I just see a pattern developing that I struggle and eventually come to accept the reality of my situation and try and move on....

It's not fun. It sucks. It's sad. It's hard.

There's so much about it that feels like giving up on dreams. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm big on dreams and fantastical thoughts and wonders. Accepting that I can't do something about a given situation is not an easy egg for me to sit on!

What I really want to talk about is last night.

Last night I gave up on having a honeymoon. The reality of our financial situation is that we aren't going anywhere. I've felt a foreboding feeling for weeks but didn't really accept the reality until last night.

It feels terrible. Like admitting defeat and accepting a heartbreak unto yourself all at once. I feel ashamed and sad.

I know that I couldn't really help going off the deep end, a lot of that had to do with medications messing with my system, but my depression problems seem to be the root of all evil when it comes to our financial problems.

I feel like my depression has ruined my wedding and my honeymoon and ripped the dream right out from underneath my feet. That's not to say that I won't have a great wedding and a lovely at-home honeymoon, but it's an acknowledgement of a loss.

Farewell, wedding dreams. Rest in peace. I resign myself to join the masses of women that have watched their wedding plans disintegrate and mutate before their eyes. I'll have a good wedding, I just feel defeated at having let my wedding slip through my fingers.

I guess most of that shame is because I still feel-deep down-that it's my fault. The depression, the budget going bonkers, the mish-mashed priorities. Somehow I think that if I had kept myself together I could have worked everything out better. It definitely isn't comfortable feeling myself and my health put to the front of the line when I historically prefer to hide behind other to-do list items.

I need to forgive myself. No one else seems to be upset over how things are turning out-and it seems to shaping into a nice affair-I just have to accept the reality and that I cannot change what will be or what led us to this place.

That's reality. Not to say that things can't change, but part of reality is accepting the whole truth of a situation and not denying or painting a rosy picture. Things didn't turn out the way we wanted. That's that.

Ugh. Feelings are such a pain in the ass sometimes.

Friday, June 15, 2012


Our little family just got a little snugger and a little bigger! On June 1st we adopted our first dog and named him Fio (Fee-oh).

Of course, there is a story ;o)

The fiance and I had been looking for a dog for months and wobbling back and forth about whether or not we should adopt. We repeatedly came to the conclusion that we couldn't afford a dog and I repeatedly tried to sweep dog cravings from my mind.

It didn't work!

Memorial Day weekend I showed the fiance a picture of a three-legged poodle mix that I thought was adorable and fit-the-bill. Over the course of a two-night camping trip we decided to go ahead and try for this dog but when we left the mountains I checked my phone and the dog had been adopted already.

Subsequently I found a few more dogs I was interested in that were staying at local kennels-but when we made it to the shelters there were gone! Two dogs disappeared on me at The Seattle Humane Society and two at PAWS.

Took him 5 seconds in the new home to plant
 a big barf splat in the middle of the living room.

I was beginning to take it as a sign but hope persevered and on Thursday before my volunteer shift I wandered through the dog kennels at PAWS. Not only had the two dogs that had previously "disappeared" on me reappeared, there was a black miniature poodle called George that caught my eye.

I called the fiance and he showed up after work to check out the dog. I even called my mom to try and help talk myself out of adopting or pursuing this dog. But that didn't work...

The fiance and I went back to see the dog and he was gone. I was miffed. Okay, I was pissed. This was six or seventh dog to disappear on me! It had to be a sign. I stalked out of the kennels as the fiance tried to calm me down and I tried to convince him that we had to give it all up. 

As we were talking a lady came up and encouraged us to go back and check on more time. She even gave us a nice little pep-talk. 

We took it as a sign.

Next thing you know we're back at the shelter the next day having a visit with this mysterious poodle called George. He'd come from Idaho after an older couple surrendered him to an overcrowded shelter and was shortly thereafter transported to PAWS where we found him the day he arrived. After a short walk and a little interview we were driving home with a poodle called George in my backseat!

It happened. I have a dog. But he's no longer called George. After trying on a multitude of new names, the fiance and I settled on Fio and cemented the new name with a name tag, an appointment at the groomer's and the vet's office.

Fio is a part of the family :o)

As such he found himself on a trail a week after coming home with us!

We were a bit concerned how he would manage hiking so we started out on a relatively flat trail about 6.5 miles round trip. 

He rocked it! He ended up in mud a little more than I would've liked but he was still a bouncy happy poodle at the end of the trail.

So Fio earned his trail clearance and his spot in our home and hearts this weekend. It's definitely a challenge and a major shift from keeping cats, but the fiance and I are enjoying our new friend.

BONUS-the vet said Fio is in great health, just needs some good workouts and healthy food (seems like he was living a lazy life with lots of junk food back in Idaho). Yippee!


Is anyone else sick of Johnny Depp?

I thoroughly enjoyed Rango but I think a huge part of that was the fact that Depp was animated. I got to enjoy a well-acted (by voice) lizard and didn't have to look at the face from a thousand magazine covers for an hour-and-a-half.

I find myself enjoying independent films more often than mainstream flicks because I get to see some new faces. When I watch movies with big stars their fame interrupts my movie experience.

Great Flick

Maybe my brain is just overactive and thinking too much when I should be engrossed in a film-or maybe movie stars are simply overexposed in the 21st century.

So, is anyone else sick of Johnny Depp?

Monday, June 11, 2012


I was inspired to post this after my BFF posted a little description of her zodiac sign on her blog, Modern Day Blonde.
Oh Zazzle...
I thought it was hilarious how this card happened to have a bird! I love birds! Usually Aquarius means a buff dude with some Grecian vase pouring water into nothing-but I like this orange bird :)

I think it's funny that I'm described as having a magnetic personality but also being distant... Yet somehow it's true! Zodiac stuff is so fun.

Happy Monday!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Gene Wilder!

I remember Gene Wilder from his younger years as Willy Wonka and the sharp-shooting deputy from Blazing Saddles-as I'm sure many of you do too! He's moved away from show business into book business and family life and is turning 79 this year.

Gene Wilder is like a Dr. Seuss to me. The Dr. Seuss of movies. He goes by a different name (Gene was bore Jerome Silberman) and he's a constant presence in my interior entertainment database. There's something delightfully goofy and comforting about Wilder-and I'm glad the word game on my phone brought his birthday to my attention!

Happy Birthday, Gene Wilder! Jerome Silberman! Willy Wonka!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

saturday night blah post from my smart phone

today started out blah and is slowing down at a teary blah. i have been grouchy at the fiance all day and even though i was super excited for a girls night out with the bff and her college buddies now that its over i feel more lonely than i did before going. im not excited about the wedding especially since we have four months left and still dont have a photographer or officiant booked. im sick of having my hopes dashed by those i delegate to and im sick of playing the superhero and swooping in to fix everything. if it its sucky oh well i dont care anymore. right now i just feel like the guest of honor at a poopy party and everything is just shitty. yeah thats probably the depression talking but it basically what im thinking. life as an unemployed twenty something is pretty shittastic at the moment. you dont see this stage in life advertised in barbie commercials...

Friday, June 8, 2012

Seattle Shootings

Shootings have been in the news. Last week's "rampage" by Ian Stawicki and just today with a drive-by in South Seattle.

This year's shootings have already added up to more than the total shootings for last year-and it's only June! I don't know what is contributing to the spike in shootings-the economical climate or access to guns but it's a lot different hearing the news when I live so much closer to the "city" than I did before.

A little over a year ago I was living down in the South Sound and Seattle was a faraway metropolis-like Gotham City. I hardly entered the city limits and when I did the swathes of homeless and trolling cops would rankle my nerves. I even witnessed a foot chase where the offender tossed a bag of drugs before the cops tackled him to the ground!

Nowadays I'm in Seattle at least once a week and the fiance even classifies us as living in the "Seattle-Metro area," bah humbug! That said, while the recent events twanged a nerve I don't feel exceedingly scared or upset...

Yes, I'm upset at the life lost but I don't feel upset like the people ranting and raving about gun control in the wake of last week's shootings.

My fiance made an excellent point-gun controls were in place and they didn't stop this guy and they certainly don't stop the thugs from getting their guns. But what wasn't in place was adequate mental health services to manage Stawicki's precarious mental state.

His family commented that Stawicki's rampage was expected. They weren't surprised to hear the news at all! This isn't insensitive, it's honest.

I have been in their position, resigning myself to an unstable mental climate because I didn't have access to adequate care. To me, that is the tragedy behind these deaths.

The gun control crowd can cry for sanctions all they want-but if people are mentally unstable it doesn't matter whether the weapon has a trigger or a handle or a shaft or a knob, they will harm someone else or themselves.

Right now I'm thinking of those families and friends that are coping with the loss of their loved ones and I'm hoping that all those in need of mental health care can find what they need before more tragedy strikes.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Oh The Raging Flow...


Since I've had my IUD my period has gently tapered to next to nothing and comes infrequently whenever it pleases. As such, it's hard to tell when my hormonal fluctuations are getting the best of me-which is only complicated by the fact that therapy and peeling back layers of mental dams flushes my systems with emotions.

The last week has been a white water week of emotions.

This past weekend (Memorial Day weekend) the fiance and I trekked up to NCNP for our first camping trip of the summer at Colonial Creek campground.

Even though I had told myself to forget about "the dog thing," before leaving that Friday I had found a dog online that I was smitten with and emailed to the fiance. Throughout the camping trip I was musing dogs.

The reaction in me was so strong as I wobbled between rational and emotional reasons I felt like a madwoman. I had already dismissed the idea, given up-reneged a couple applications from private rescues and washed my hands of the dog search and yet here I was again!

My body, mind, and soul wouldn't let this dog thing lie.

Once home I was moody and sad, sleepless and disinterested in just about everything. Monday was therapy and we talked about the big emotions coming out around this dog issue. It was confusing. I basically came away with a sense that it was okay to have these emotions even when it seems completely ass-backwards and silly.

It's okay to be sensitive and vulnerable even the issue seems stupid! I let my fiance know that I'd be emotional, and I didn't want to guilt him into anything and I would be okay, I just needed time.

Next thing ya know we're driving down the corridor to Seattle Humane Society to check out pups. The dog I had been attracted to had been and foster and had been adopted. The subsequent dogs I found interesting online weren't to be found at the shelter either.

We headed towards PAWS but they were closed. We found some cute pups online later in the week and were back at PAWS during lunch break on Wednesday...

The dogs were gone. I began thinking it was a sign.

Turns out they were in clinic getting fixed, but my soul was a bit crushed. Every time I thought I'd found a companion they were whisked away by some mystical force (the mind is a crazy thing).

I was ready to give up. I said "I give up." Then the fiance sends me a pic of another potential dog he found online. &%^$! I end up smoking on the balcony and slumping my way through Wednesday afternoon until he gets home and I tell him how frustrated I was at seeing that picture.

It was an adorable dog, it was a perfect dog, and it was an unobtainable dog. The cosmos had rejected my desire, I needed to give this up and he brought it right back up!

The next day before my volunteer shift I went to PAWS early (they had said that the dogs we missed on Wednesday would be there to see on Thursday). I felt stupid and weak-minded, but had fun visiting with the puppies.

Oddly enough, those dogs were there but they didn't catch my eye. Another dog did-a black poodle called George. He was reserved and didn't come to the front of his kennel until I squatted down and beckoned-then he was all wiggly tail-wagging and kisses.

I was intrigued. I called my mother for guidance and she played to my doubts about finances and doing the logical thing. Even then my heart still had a glimmer of yearning. I phoned the fiance and asked him to come check out the dogs, and even if nothing came of it to come bring me a big hug.

He shows up and the poodle is gone.  @!&#^#$%&!!!!

I give up yet again and stalk out of the kennels and we have a chat in the parking lot. He tries to convince me that it's all right and not necessarily a sign and that we can do this and I reject all that I can.

Then a lady appears. Also wearing a green volunteer shirt she approaches the car next to us (he's standing in the space between our cars and we're chatting with my door open). "Were you looking for a dog you couldn't find?" BOOM.

My eyes are glistening with tears and we explain the situation, I even explain how every dog I seem to like disappears and she tells us that we should just ask. "Just ask. Sometimes you have to go a little outside your comfort zone, but if you get snubbed-oh well, you just have to ask."

Well, we had to go back in after that.

The dog was still missing. No one knew where he went. It took twenty minutes to find this dog-he had been secreted away for a special purpose (top-secret shelter kind of stuff) and just because I was a volunteer and had found out about this special stash we got to sneak back and meet him.

I was melting, of course, and apparently the fiance did too. When we got back to the lobby he pressed for information on how to further the adoption process even as I was wide-eyed and scared and shocked about the whole thing. They sounded pretty reluctant to let this dog go and a little miffed that I had found him and gone through all this trouble to get my fiance to meet him.

"Come back tomorrow at noon."

Holy cow.

I was in a daze all the way home-the fiance practically had to push me to my car and tell me to drive home or I would've stood there in the parking lot for half an hour staring into oblivion.

Is this really happening? Will he be there when I go back today at noon? Am I getting a dog?

To be continued....