Good News & Bad News

I finally got around to calling the triage center where I was taken in March during my major episode (ya know, the one with the handcuffs?) and ask about billing options. The bill didn't arrive until mid-April and it chalked up to $475.

The phone menu option went as follows "if you do not have insurance, need to make a payment plan, or your account is in collections press 5." We all love being filed under that option, don't we?

In the end it worked out great, I got a friendly lady that simply moved my fee into a charity account! I don't have to pay a dime!

I was so relieved, especially considering the less-happy news in my life lately.

I haven't been looking at any financial information for over two months, in fact I straight up forgot the password to our joint account online banking. Of course that doesn't stop me from worrying about our money situation and last night my worst suspicions were confirmed.

The savings account we worked so hard to build up has been nearly drained and while we've been able to make payments on our charge accounts we're in more debt now than before my most recent breakdown. I'm sure we're not the only people around the world in this situation but for me it's a terrifying feeling.

I feel guilty and trapped and helpless-like a huge car compactor of financial pressure is bearing down on me.

We were entertaining thoughts of getting a companion dog for me and in reality we can hardly afford our cats! Not to mention my continuing therapy and medication treatment costs. I'm scared to back down my therapy-only a few weeks back we were considering sending me more often-and screwing around with me meds would only result in more hospital bills when I flip out again.

Getting a job is certainly what I need to be doing. The aspect of searching and interviewing is intimidating and depressing and I'm not quite sure how I will manage a work schedule. No doubt I could handle a few hours at a time, but I still feel vulnerable.

All I can do is try. Try and try to lose as much weight as fast as I can so I have a chance of fitting into my old work clothes...

Looking up at this mountainous challenge before me makes my heart quake. Somehow I have to manage the stress and fear I feel while looking for work and then manage to succeed at working again. The only way I'm able to proceed is literally one breath at a time-this might be slow-going, the trek starts now.