Sunday, March 20, 2016

Check out this mural!

Well, online I mean.

A must if you're a bird lover and there are factoids and recordings and bonus tidbits if you click on the birds! Much fun. I enjoyed it.

Also like, great resource!

As far as life goes...

Baby is sick. No temperature but TONS of boogers and TONS of tears and TONS of shrieking. It sucks. I can handle a bit of it but then I'm totally off the rez and have to isolate to recoup.


I'm achy. I was just lying down covered in heating pads trying to untense my body and settle my mind and instead I had some sort of unsettling panic attack. There was even this creepy smell that came over me as my mind collapsed (it's happened before)... it was so scary and sad and frustrating but at least I was able to tell myself "I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm okay. I'm safe" out loud and I just kept repeating it until I was strong enough to look around, see that I was safe and eventually get out of bed.

Today was up and then down. The hubs, babe, me, and the dog took a long walk this morning and it was  mostly good except for the fact that I got to thinking about everything that has gone on and it was saddening. I felt feisty at first, "hey, look what I've accomplished, I survived, etc.," but then the crying baby got to be too much and then the hen-pecking hubby pushed me over the edge. I was a yelling, cussing, pained bitch but anyways.... the everything.

I remember years ago being hauled away in the back of a cop car, spending the night in a crisis center. I remember therapy and therapy and therapy. I remember spending nearly two weeks inpatient and then working through an outpatient program. I'm aware that I don't remember all the meds that I've tried, I just know it's a lot (in my book at least). I remember spending over two weeks in inpatient and getting ECT and then spending weeks doing ECT outpatient and all the nausea and pain and impatience as I waited for the depression to leave me and never quite getting satisfaction. I remember self-harming. Crying. Screaming. Wrist-banging. I remember hugging and clinging and long talks and tears and sighs and relief. I remember confusion... that hasn't changed much!

As I feel myself edging toward the light, having more good days, but still struggling to leave the darkness behind, I feel hope and excitement but I also feel fear. I'm so afraid of backsliding, or of the madness returning full force at some point further down the road. I feel haunted, cursed, broken. Not so good!

Anyways. I need to do something else. Maybe I'll browse the mural again, maybe I'll watch TV, maybe I'll just rock myself for a little bit.

Wishing easier nights (or days) for those reading.

Keep keeping on.


  1. Hugs.
    Love that mural.
    And a sick baby overwhelms everybody. Everybody who isn't Mother Theresa anyway.

  2. Sick kid is overwhelming no matter what...The mural is cool, though...Try drawing...Hugs!

  3. I'm so happy to hear that you are having more good days, Hannah. That is great news. Please try not to worry too far into the future. Take one day at a time and remember to breathe!


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF