Rough Times

Had an enjoyable-though slightly stressful weekend. The fiance and I drove south to camp with my best friend and her new hubby and we all went to check out a potential wedding venue at the base of Rainier. We had some good camping grub prepared with our little portable propane grill (okay-we didn't do everything by the fire, but it was still rustic) including some delicious dawgs and biscuits and gravy in the mornin. Also made s'mores for the first time in a long time and probably ate way too many!

The stressful part was driving over two hours and taking a wrong turn outside Elbe and being late to our meet-up at the campground with the BF and hubby. Also had some financial anxiety pangs after looking over the potential wedding venue and calculating costs. It's scary how much a "small" wedding costs (<40 people) I can't imagine stomaching anything larger. But the place was beautiful, as were the views of Rainier.

After we got home Sunday, I had another depressive episode right before bed (I think watching a movie where the main character commits suicide didn't do me any good).

I started to come out of my funk this evening but still feel terrible-achy and guilty and ashamed. The fiance was so frightened by this episode he called my folks and they're coming up for a visit tomorrow. I'm anxious about it. My mother has given me her "Hannah Pep Talk" too many times, and it just makes me feel worse about myself as she outlines all the things I should be doing.

This is the third time I've seriously considered inpatient treatment and I feel like it's only a matter of time before I have another episode and end up handing over the keys to my life to some ER tech. Right now I know that I can't go on like this, my oscillations are tightening up and the happy spaces between episodes are shrinking-but the depression has sucked up so much energy and fight I'm having a hard time comprehending a comeback. All I can do is take things an hour at a time.

PS I'm very lucky to have a man that knows when to bring out my "Golden Girls" DVDs and let me rest up and try to fill up my happy tanks again. Right now I'm just trying to figure out how I deserve such a great guy and how I can avoid screwing up his life with my plight.