Putting My Crumbs Together

Had another session with the therapist today. While it didn't feel as productive as our first session, it did get me thinking about something that's been bothering me for a long time-what I'm going to do with my life.

For years I've had this idea that someday I would find my calling, a career where I could make money, pile up retirement funds, and work with the same company for decades. Today's session led me to consider this preconception of my life's work-and to realize that it doesn't reflect my own dreams.

I grew up "The Golden Child" of the family. Straight-laced, straight As, not very exciting, pretty durn shy and reserved. Thinking about it now, all that time I spent keeping my thoughts to myself gave me a whole lot of time to suck up everyone else's comments and I think they set up camp in my brain so long ago that I've mistaken them for organic beliefs.

Musing about this infestation leads me to think of all the anxiety and distress I've felt about finding my path to success and surviving in the "real world." In reality, my "real world" is what I make it and what I cultivate. So much of my depression stems from the sensation that I am wrong, I don't belong, I am broken. Considering now that my mind's qualitative scale is mis-calibrated to my true desires presents new possibilities, possibilities to consider myself successful and in pursuit of my ideals, not nearly as misguided as I once conceived.

In fact, I have found a sense of reassurance deep in my gut that once I can purge these erroneous expectations and preconceptions of success and embrace my own desires and definitions of success, that not only will I be able to pursue happier days, but also find a greater strength in myself. And I know that I need more strength, the strength to stand up and walk the path less followed and live honestly and with authenticity each and every day.

I don't quite know where my happiness lies right now, but I know that it is waiting to be discovered and nurtured into its full glory. I know that I'm not a retail gal, I don't belong in the banking industry, and I need to work with my heart as well as my head.

While I am nearly continuously frustrated with the state of our nation's affairs-I have to be grateful for the fact that I can pursue my dreams and consider my options in a free country. Many other places around the world I wouldn't have been educated or made it out of the hut (not to mention the possibility of having seven kids by this point in my life or being relegated to secretarial or hairdressing work). Even a few decades ago I wouldn't have made it out of the kitchen!

So I will pursue my happiness (all the while hoping to pay my bills as well) and be grateful for the opportunities I have and all the joys already in my life today.

In other news: I changed the %*&#$@! ring tone of my man's phone alarm that has been driving me batty the past few mornings. I never knew such an annoying ring tone existed. It possesses dark powers of crankiness that transform me into a snarling, grouchy beast of rage and bitchiness! So I killed it. :o)