Labor Day Post B

In addition to a wonderful walk the fiance and I explored some of my anxiety over my upcoming bridal shower.

I was a little surprised to feel such an intense physical reaction to the topic.

The pain is a dull sucking ache in the center of my chest, like a melon baller scooped out my heart center and left a yawning void. A lump in my throat and had a hard time breathing accompanied the aches.

After a little discussion my mind took me back to a party thrown for me ten years ago...

It was my thirteenth birthday (I'm pretty sure, but not certain) and my dad and I spent a good chunk of the day in Seattle. We went up in the Space Needle and I almost made myself sick watching the ground swoosh up past me when we descended in the elevator.

It was a wonderful time and I cherish the memory, but when we returned to the house my memories are a little less welcome.

Upon entering I was shocked to find a large gathering and surprise party in my honor. I was so overwhelmed and shocked and grateful that I began to cry and ran upstairs to my room embarrassed. My mother followed me and chastised me for not thanking my guests, telling me to pull myself together and get back downstairs.

I still carry the pain from that brief moment so many years ago. Who knows how I would've handled myself had my mother given me time to compose myself and come downstairs on my own-but her reaction as it occurred has haunted me for a long time.

Now I'm anxious about the bridal shower my mother is hosting. Having parties hosted for me or receiving gifts has been hard for me for years between memories of that day and an overwhelming since of guilt and feeling I don't deserve that which is bestowed on me.

I'm nervous about interacting with the guests and being the center of attention as well as potential chafing comments from my mother. But expecting the worst will get me nowhere.

I just have to do my best. Be genuine and let any hurtful comments roll of my back. I am genuinely grateful for what I receive and while I struggle to feel like I deserve such nice things, I don't need to feel even worse because someone else has conflicting feelings themselves or doesn't understand me.

*deep breaths* I'm just gonna be me! And if that isn't enough I'll pop the good ole Xanax!