It's been a challenging few days. I've been swept up in a lot of intense emotions which has set me off-balance and whipped up some symptoms.
Today was especially challenging after a few stressful days stacking up on me... Anyway, some of the symptoms have been crying, angry outbursts, anxiety, and unkind thoughts and judgments. I knew this transition would be tough, I just thought I'd have some more time.
Turns out we have less time than we thought. The landlord contacted the hubs and offered compensation for us to get outta the condo by the end of May. Then she emailed the next day with an offer of more money for us to get out by the end of April.
I thought I had a month or two to ease out of my gym community, enjoy my last few classes, and say my goodbyes. Now, I'm going to be gone before I know it. Battling the loneliness and isolation of losing my tribe while I try to find a new refuge. I had been keeping the news to myself and putting off the goodbyes until next month. Then I found out the move had been moved up and found myself warming up in the cycling studio alone before class, tears streaming down my face and snot threatening to drip from my reddened nose. I managed to get myself together a bit before classmates started coming in. I'm sure the red eyes and nose were still blatant though.
When one of my cycling buddies asked me when I'd be back to my usual classes (beside cycling) and I told him I was coming back the following week... so I could get in as many as possible before the move. I broke and nearly reached straight up sobbing. He was so wonderful though. Maintaining eye contact and consoling me and telling me that I'd be missed.
I outright sobbed as I drove home. Tears falling and my mouth gaping in gasping, shuddering cries. I knew I would be upset leaving my gym buddies it wasn't until then that that I realized I would be full-on grieving... but that is what's happening.
Today I said goodbye to one of my instructors that I'm probably not gonna see again before we move and maybe ever, ever again. I dropped a card into her bag at the beginning of class and then I couldn't resist walking up to her at the end of class to tell her I'd miss her. I teared up and she was shocked when I told her about moving at the end of the month. She teared up and brought me into a tight, amazing hug, telling me she'd miss me too.
It was teary, for sure, and also validating. She appreciates me and I appreciate her. She acknowledged the challenges I face with a big move like this, asked for my Facebook information so we could keep in touch, and even said I could contact her if I needed a pick me up or anything. Amazed me. Being shown that kindness when I didn't quite know what to expect.
As appreciative as I was-starstruck even-the tears continued to flow on my way home from the gym and continued on into my shower time too.
I'm a little apprehensive about saying further goodbyes. These people mean so much to me and I don't really know what I mean to them. It can be awkward to react as emotionally as I do when they aren't on the same level. Oh well. I am me and me I'll be.
So. Goodbyes. Packing. The stress of moving and new surroundings. *whew* It's weighing on me!
In other news, the hubs and I went to an appointment with an OBGYN on Friday and she was awesome! My primary care doctor referred us to her when I asked about tubal ligation. We had a great appointment and got so many questions answered. She was funny, smart, and professional all-in-one.
We discussed the two options; surgically removing the fallopian tubes completely and an in-office procedure that inserts nickle coils into the tubes in order to create scar tissue to block the tubes, and quickly made our decision. We decided that the surgical option is for us. We've started the ball rolling and it looks like I'll be getting sterilized in May or June.
It brought up a lot of emotions for us as we really dug into the decision on the way to the appointment. We even discussed extremes like "What if we could be guaranteed no postpartum depression ever again, would we have another?" NO "What if Baby Bananaface dies?" NO It would be awful, tragic, and having another kid wouldn't replace BB. Nothing could replace BB. We would just have to live with that. We further discussed living a life without children and decided we could live a happy life without kids/more kids.
Anyways. I'm gonna kick back, watch some Netflix and try to simmer down! Hoping I'll be around the blogosphere more soon, although all this moving stuff is throwing a wrench into things for sure.
Happy Weekend, Friends!