Saturday, April 8, 2017

Big Steps and Some Challenges

It's been a challenging few days. I've been swept up in a lot of intense emotions which has set me off-balance and whipped up some symptoms.

Today was especially challenging after a few stressful days stacking up on me... Anyway, some of the symptoms have been crying, angry outbursts, anxiety, and unkind thoughts and judgments. I knew this transition would be tough, I just thought I'd have some more time.

Turns out we have less time than we thought. The landlord contacted the hubs and offered compensation for us to get outta the condo by the end of May. Then she emailed the next day with an offer of more money for us to get out by the end of April.

I thought I had a month or two to ease out of my gym community, enjoy my last few classes, and say my goodbyes. Now, I'm going to be gone before I know it. Battling the loneliness and isolation of losing my tribe while I try to find a new refuge. I had been keeping the news to myself and putting off the goodbyes until next month. Then I found out the move had been moved up and found myself warming up in the cycling studio alone before class, tears streaming down my face and snot threatening to drip from my reddened nose. I managed to get myself together a bit before classmates started coming in. I'm sure the red eyes and nose were still blatant though.

When one of my cycling buddies asked me when I'd be back to my usual classes (beside cycling) and I told him I was coming back the following week... so I could get in as many as possible before the move. I broke and nearly reached straight up sobbing. He was so wonderful though. Maintaining eye contact and consoling me and telling me that I'd be missed.

I outright sobbed as I drove home. Tears falling and my mouth gaping in gasping, shuddering cries. I knew I would be upset leaving my gym buddies it wasn't until then that that I realized I would be full-on grieving... but that is what's happening.

Today I said goodbye to one of my instructors that I'm probably not gonna see again before we move and maybe ever, ever again. I dropped a card into her bag at the beginning of class and then I couldn't resist walking up to her at the end of class to tell her I'd miss her. I teared up and she was shocked when I told her about moving at the end of the month. She teared up and brought me into a tight, amazing hug, telling me she'd miss me too.

It was teary, for sure, and also validating. She appreciates me and I appreciate her. She acknowledged the challenges I face with a big move like this, asked for my Facebook information so we could keep in touch, and even said I could contact her if I needed a pick me up or anything. Amazed me. Being shown that kindness when I didn't quite know what to expect.

As appreciative as I was-starstruck even-the tears continued to flow on my way home from the gym and continued on into my shower time too.

I'm a little apprehensive about saying further goodbyes. These people mean so much to me and I don't really know what I mean to them. It can be awkward to react as emotionally as I do when they aren't on the same level. Oh well. I am me and me I'll be.

So. Goodbyes. Packing. The stress of moving and new surroundings. *whew* It's weighing on me!

In other news, the hubs and I went to an appointment with an OBGYN on Friday and she was awesome! My primary care doctor referred us to her when I asked about tubal ligation. We had a great appointment and got so many questions answered. She was funny, smart, and professional all-in-one.

We discussed the two options; surgically removing the fallopian tubes completely and an in-office procedure that inserts nickle coils into the tubes in order to create scar tissue to block the tubes, and quickly made our decision. We decided that the surgical option is for us. We've started the ball rolling and it looks like I'll be getting sterilized in May or June.

It brought up a lot of emotions for us as we really dug into the decision on the way to the appointment. We even discussed extremes like "What if we could be guaranteed no postpartum depression ever again, would we have another?" NO "What if Baby Bananaface dies?" NO It would be awful, tragic, and having another kid wouldn't replace BB. Nothing could replace BB. We would just have to live with that. We further discussed living a life without children and decided we could live a happy life without kids/more kids.

Anyways. I'm gonna kick back, watch some Netflix and try to simmer down! Hoping I'll be around the blogosphere more soon, although all this moving stuff is throwing a wrench into things for sure.

Happy Weekend, Friends!


  1. I am simultaneously very sorry that you are going through this, and equally proud. And awed.
    Grief is valid. And you are acknowledging it, and dealing with it. Can you imagine how this would have left you even a year ago?
    Moving house is awful, losing community is worse, and you are factoring surgery into the mix. More awe. And more pride.

    1. Thank you. Hugs. I am definitely having some ups and downs, feeling bad and feeling bad about myself and then feeling hopeful and proud! So confusing! Anywho-thank you. *facepalm*

  2. I echo Elephant's Child in being sorry for all the stress yet in seeing strength in the face of loss and change. I wish you well with the move and hope that your surgery and recuperation go smoothly. I'm confident that in time, you will find people with whom you feel comfortable and resume activities that bring you healing and happiness. Hugs!

    1. Thanks e :o) I'm hoping I find that new community too. Definitely makes me appreciate the blogosphere and how it travels with ya wherever ya go! Hugs!

  3. I agree with the others. You are awesome that you are recognizing the grief and accepting it. Moving is very hard. Having moved recently, I was reminded of that. Slowly, but surely we are adapting to our new place and finding it better than where we were before. As time goes on, you will too.

    Here are a couple of coping mechanisms that might or might not help. When I have a big thing that I have to deal with, I project myself in the future 3 months. Usually in that amount of time, the major hurdle will be over. When I'm overwhelmed in the present, I think that it will be settled 3 months from now. Then I tell myself that 3 months isn't that long and I can plod through whatever I need to get there.

    The other example is from my son when he was nine. We were preparing for a big move across the country. The first for both of my kids. Everything was an unknown and they were not happy. My younger son, who was six, had a particularly bad time. We were constantly dealing with his acting out to the stress of the upcoming move and ignoring his older brother who seemed to coping okay. At least better than his brother.

    Then one day, feeling guilty about not paying attention to my older son, we sat down and talked to him about his feelings. Here's what he told us. He said he had felt scared and sad about moving. Then he sat down and thought about every bad thing that was happening. Then he thought about every good thing that was going to happen because of the move. He said after that, he was okay. We talked about the details and he had indeed be thorough with his thoughts. I have since then tried to follow his example, with some success. His method is much like you did with your decision to have surgery.

    Good luck. In three months from now, you will be moving and settling in, making new friends and not worrying about becoming pregnant. And all will be good. And it might even be better than now.

    1. That is very good advice. Thank you. My husband has been focusing on the future to help cope with the stress! One day at a time and I'll get there :o)

  4. I think the emotions that your are feeling are completely normal! And normal is an excellent thing. Grief over loss. Loss of friendships, your support system, your fertility. When I had my tubes removed I grieved e end though I was absolutely positive I didn't want more kids!
    You have so much strength in you and have a good solid base to move onto new adventures. For now, grieve. Don't push it away. Grief is not a bad emotion. It's so hard to feel it but it's there for a reason.
    Sorry, I am giving advice and you are the one that teaches me. xo

    1. Thanks Birdie :o) I welcome your advice, don't be silly! It was a bit of relief to recognize all the feelings as grief and be able to accept that and recognize the process... still ain't easy, helps me get through it a bit better though!


Thank you for reading and commenting!

Be well, HBF