Things have been a bit haphazard of late. An odd mixture of slow and fast with a dash of numbness.
Last week was quite emotional as I contemplated the upcoming move. Panicked, really. I took a walk with a friend and she laid out all of her concerns for me regarding the move. Cue the "oh shit" moment! It definitely stirred the pot emotion-wise. It also presented a reality check moment with an opportunity to really consider and plot backup plans in case living with my folks/sister/nephew just doesn't fly.
Lots of sighs. Lots of packing. Lots of "I have no fucking clue."
I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm (a tad bit) excited. I'm a little hopeful while also feeling quite skeptical.
There have been some dark moments-moments when I've lost myself in worry. My confidence eroded by strong waves of fear. One day was so bad that I had suicidal thoughts flashing through my brain. Thankfully not impulses or strong urges, just fleeting images. Still, definitely a symptom of my stress.
Those down days-or just an afternoon or morning sometimes-weren't nice, were quite discouraging, and luckily short-lived. I was able to bounce back reasonably well and reasonably quick. I think my DBT skills kicked in and having help from the hubster, of course. I also think that having my mood be stable for longer stretches help me bounce back from the dips and resist the dives.
At the moment our condo is about 90% packed. Regular routines continue and yet our surroundings are changing. Walls are stripped of familiar frames and shelves. Boxes are piled up against walls. The kitchen is bare and nearly useless.
Honestly, I'm still not sure if it's all sunk in. It feels like we've got longer here, despite having no cutlery out and our food supply limited to things that require no intensive preparation. Driving into the lot today it occurred to me that I'd only drive into the familiar parking area a few more times... and the thought simply drifted away. No thump, no feeling, hardly a ripple.
It's the calm before the storm now. I feel stillness at the surface yet I know the rapids within will most likely overtake me sometime soon. I'd be concerned if the move didn't involve some tears! I think driving away from my neighborhood without plans to return will trigger some... leaving my gym for the last time in a long time (I have tentative plans to visit, just not certain plans)... and settling into the new surroundings will be rough.
Don't get me wrong, it's not a palace here. That said, the obnoxious sounds from the nearby arterial, freeway, and rowdy neighbors are familiar. The popcorn ceilings and dilapidated buildings, even the shoddy landscaping and rather "well worn" faces around the complex will be missed.
The hubby reminds me often to look forward. I know that this helps him a lot-fantasizing about getting a house and a yard and a new job. For me, it can help in little doses. Too much and I begin to feel pressure, even fear that I won't be able to achieve certain aspirations. It becomes stressful and I got enough of that!
Anywho. That's a taste of what's going on. Been saying goodbye to folks and enjoying the company of my gym pals as much as possible. I certainly hope that I can find a new tribe down south and at the same time it feels a little unfaithful to leave these people behind. I suspect that's a passing sentiment... at least I hope so ;o)
Trying to read and comment, it's just a bit tough lately! Catch up later, friends :o)