This video brought me some joy today:
Those faces! They are like flying penguins or just more approachable than the pileated woodpeckers we have up here ;) Either way they make me a bit happy and that makes me grateful. I am also grateful for The Cornell Lab of Ornithology. Their bird cams rock and I love their newsletter, it helps me get back in touch with positive things that I love even when I stray.
My mood lately... it's been up and down though by "up" I mean still sad but functional and feeling a bit optimistic or normal, not really up, up or feeling better. The down has been awful. It doesn't seem as bad as a few weeks ago when it was day after day of feeling horrible but the off and on is pretty bad too, I never know what to do and always feel off balance.
I've shaken some of the sadness and I seem to be avoiding the crying spells, so I'm not quite as down as I was before but I have been tired and drained and overwhelmed, especially by Baby Bananaface. That was a huge part of what made Thursday so bad, was all the hurtful thoughts I had toward him because I just wasn't fit to parent. At therapy, I parked his stroller and ignored him. The therapist had to soothe him or entertain him, I was just checked out. I ended up driving around a lot to keep him asleep later.
Sadness and frustration over my parents was another bad part of Thursday for me. They cancelled day-of to do Zoolights with us, and while we had a great time I felt rejection and disappointment wash over me later. A part of me feels like my mother is punishing me for the issues with my sister, it's all in my head but I have this imaginary motivation for her actions that is linked to me not going to visit my sister or me saying I might not go to Christmas etc. etc. My therapist gently reminded me that working on boundaries may mean staying away from family until those boundaries are better developed, and I think she's right on.
Good grief.... what would it feel like to feel unconditionally loved by my parents? understood and accepted? I may never know, and in the mean time I have to take care of myself and say "screw what they think!" and go after what makes me feel better. ***
Anyways, wellness. I'm not well. I'm above water level but I'm not thriving. Things need to change, they need to change so I don't end up back in the hospital or hurting my baby or hurting myself. I need regular, scheduled childcare to give me relief and I need time to work on myself and take care of myself. I need care right now, not to ignore my needs and try to soldier through-that's not working. I think I'm coming around to understanding that more now!
*** I feel like my parents would say that they love me unconditionally and accept me but I don't feel that, I feel judged and as if I have to earn my affection . I don't think the fault lies only in them or me, I think it's a messed up party of sadness but it is so frustrating feeling like we speak different languages...