The email was one that I sent to my mother. Yes. Seriously. I spoke out. I'm still in a bit of shock over it. I was very emotional but tried to be inoffensive and just lay it out there, but I've been feeling ooky about expressing any feelings but the hubs says I didn't do anything wrong, it's just my family doesn't deal with feelings or conflict very well... well, just read and maybe you'll know what I mean:
I had already decided that I didn't want you to be a part of my color-coded support system anymore but Sunday clinched it. I feel like my mood or my needs are only important when it's convenient or easy for you, and that's not the type of support that I need. It's only further demoralizing and depressing. Whenever you gruffly inquire as to my color for the day, my mood dives, especially when I haven't heard from you in days besides. it isn't working for me and I won't go on acting like it is to try and spare your feelings.
As for Sunday, I told you that SISTER, her pregnancy, the baby have all become triggers, and we did not get a single heads up that she would be there after years of not, disparaging the event and skipping out we didn't expect her. It was very clear to me that my needs and health aren't important in our family, simply looking well enough and putting on a good show are paramount. That doesn't work for me. I need honesty, I need genuine emotion and caring, and I need more support than being blindsided by a huge trigger without any warning from my so-called support network.
(I figured email was the best way to avoid sending massive onslaughts of much maligned "Hannah texts")
My color-coded support system was an idea born of my hospital stay and so far has been a failure. I don't get the support I need from the people I selected and we're going to be transitioning to using hotlines as my primary resource for help since I can't communicate as needed with my support system. ANYWAYS. The email was intense but I reined myself in a lot.
The phone call was with my dad. I decided to call him and let him know that there was no way we could be there for Christmas but we hoped that we could come down once my sister and co. leave. Apparently Mom had forwarded him the email and so we talked about that too. He asked if it was okay to talk about some things and I said that I might cry but it was okay, and he said tears were good a sign he thought.
It was a good talk and a bad talk and a long talk and sad talk and a happy talk. Every once in a long while my dad and I connect this way and I feel understood and seen and appreciated but it doesn't happen very often. This time I was sensitive to feeling a little.... well, ya know when someone sympathizes with you but then talks about how someone else has it harder and it invalidates you but you feel guilty so you're not sure if you're in the wrong or if the other person is just making you feel bad? There was a little bit of that.
I totally understand I'm not the center of the world and that there are other things going on, but I expect to treated with decency. Dad mentioned how poorly my Aunt Sally is going and how it doesn't seem like it will be long and he mentioned how much my sister has wanted to talk with me... it's still too much. I can't give anything away when I'm barely rooted to this plane.
So. There is some of my day. Some of the emotions roiling around in me at the moment. It's messy and confusing but I feel a bit lighter and I don't think this is the last time I will stir up some shit at my family's expense.