Today was my family gift exchange. A gift exchange that my sister routinely avoids and disparages, pointing out that our extended family is not that close. Not news to anyone, but sometimes it's fun and the hubs and I have always gone. Not a second thought this year, simply a to-do to attend the exchange but guess who showed up for the first time in years? with her new baby and baby daddy? My sister.
The big stink (in my hubby's opinion) was getting no heads up from my mother who knows that my sister is a trigger for me. He's pissed. We're even less likely to visit my parents for Christmas (still can't decide on a firm no) now as being around my sister was unpleasant and upsetting for me. The shaking subsided pretty quickly but the knot in my gut persisted. I couldn't look at her or the baby, I just tried to focus on the exchange moving along and getting out of there.
I cried on the way home. Angry at myself for feeling that way and thinking it was stupid of me to have such a reaction, angry at my mother for not having my interests in mind even a little bit, and sad to think of disappointing my dad by not being home for Christmas.
All that said, I feel like I'm not totally bottoming out. Sad and disappointed, but hanging in there. I hope it stays that way. Not the best way to end the weekend though, especially with the psychiatrist already recommended having the baby in daycare Monday because of a change in my harmful thoughts a couple times. More mess to my life. Tomorrow could be rough, but we'll have to wait and see and be careful.
Okay, maybe it's just a delayed onset cuz I'm starting to feel angry and weepy and tense! Ergh....