I didn't want to get out of bed this morning but the hubs got me going and I just kept going to avoid feeling as much as I could. The feelings caught up with me at couples' therapy but for the rest of the day I just kept busy until dinner. I couldn't keep going anymore. I felt exhausted all of a sudden, angry, and in desperate need of a break. The hubs took Baby Bananaface to Costco and I got alone time.
I'm just.... I'm down. I don't want to do anything let alone taking care of a babe or keep up with appointments and gym classes, but I'm going through the motions. Going through the motions and wondering if any of the other yogis will notice that I'm tearing up or if the other sweaty pigs beside me on the treadmills will catch on to the fact that I'm miserable.
*big ole sighs*
Couples' therapy has been going well though I can't say that we are experiencing any immediate benefits. We keep up with our individual self care and this week we going to focus on asking how the other person is and listening and validating.
It is simple stuff but things are devolved to the point where we need to work on simple things and build up to the loving, supportive marriage we know that we can have. I'm quite internalized, isolated and shut down lately. I stopped replying or initiating our usual "I love you" farewells and being touched or hugged or kissed makes me feel very odd in a not so good way. The hubs is zipped up, avoiding talking about feelings or what is really going on. He's putting up a strong front trying to keep it all together while I'm ready to dissolved into a huge pile of goo and permanently adhere myself to the bed.
So. That's part of what is going on. I've also got therapy just for me going on twice a week. It's difficult with the baby along but I feel like we're doing better work than we have in a long time. It's very focused on coping strategies for right now, not dredging up the past or indulging in too may sob fests.
I feel overwhelmed and overworked but I look at my days and wonder why I complain or feel so bad. I know it's my bad mental programming putting myself down.... but it sure is hard tell myself that it's okay to feel this way and believe it.
In other news, we gave Fio a massive bone (well, for his miniature stature). At first we weren't sure if he could handle it but he's been gamely hauling the behemoth around and giving a corner of it his best shot with awkwardly angled nibbles. After he downed a smaller sized rawhide in one afternoon we knew we had to up the ante.
Also Fio related, I gave the baby a canister of stupid half-stale puffs to play with and while he wasn't interested in the puffs, Fio was! Baby Bananaface much preferred to nibble on the lid. I took this as the beginning of a long, mutually beneficial food disposing relationship!