Sunday, July 3, 2016

Appointments-Check. Anxiety-Check.

Had ECT Wednesday and a visit with my psychiatrist Thursday so the hubs and I were busy zooming back and forth to Seattle this past week.

ECT went well, I actually felt a mood lift after this time (instead of feeling down like last time) and my mother and I had a good visit. She even stayed for dinner and to see Baby Bananaface despite facing traffic on her way home for it!

The psychiatrist appointment went pretty well but I'm definitely frustrated with the medication situation. We've determined that my anti-anxiety pills aren't really helping so we're weaning off this one and going to try something new. Apparently the new pills are something used for PTSD but it might help me with my nearly all-day anxiety. We're holding off on trying another mood stabilizer for now but I've been having some angry outbursts that the hubster thinks may be symptoms so we might be trying another new pill soon.

I still use Ativan as needed but I've been able to get back to only needing it every few days-there was a week there where I was nearly everyday and that was disappointing for me... I don't like to use the benzos very frequently and I don't like to feel dependent. Thankfully DBT has given me some good skills for coping through some pretty tough anxiety but still sometimes I get wore out and just need some help.

Anyways. Anxiety has sucked lately. Other day I had 5 panic attacks! They're pretty short but still unpleasant and discouraging and 5 in one day certainly made me feel fragile. I even had one during a hike yesterday, I couldn't believe it! It's been really frustrating but I'm doing pretty well considering all the anxiety I deal with-the gym really helps too, even when I can't completely relax and lose myself in a workout I still get a mood lift and some comfort from the exercise.

In other news, I completed a craft project that the hubby got me off Amazon a few weeks back!

I've decided to give it to my childhood neighbors/family friends. They feed the hummingbirds too and have been supportive and comforting to me for many years, a little surprise prize is well deserved!

I really appreciated having the cross stitch project for distraction purposes. For whatever reason coloring just doesn't do it for me, but stitching helps me reach a happy place. I shall have to continue crafting. And puzzles.... puzzles are good.

In other news, the hubster and I got a new game-Upwords. We really like it but it can be challenging! Much more compact than Scrabble so it works out nicely as a game we leave on the dining table to play whenever we feel like it (we also keep Yahtzee! out and keep cards handy).

Sigh. I guess I can't not mention it... I had a mood dip this afternoon and things got dark. The hubs made an offhand comment that triggered my insecurities and I ended up feeling really low and even had some self-harming urges. Well, I have those thoughts pretty regularly but these were more urges-basically things got darker than they have in quite a while and it was pretty upsetting. We were able to recover and get the afternoon back on track but it was sad to see myself like that after doing so well for so long. Have to remember to be gentle with myself and not to judge. Bumps in the road happen but I can keep moving onwards and upwards in a positive direction, no need for a major negative detour!

So, there's the news from Bananafaceland. I've been struggling to keep up on my blogging lately but I'm trying to recommit myself-especially want to write for "Words for Wednesday" this week! It's been too long!

Hope everyone celebrating the 4th has a safe and enjoyable holiday. We're going to my parents for various activities and it's causing me additional anxiety but I'm also excited and think/hope that I'll have fun.

Warm thoughts and gratitude :o)



  1. Having a few moments here myself but wanted you to know I read your post. xo

    BB is getting so big! Who did he get the curls from?

    1. He got his curls from his daddy <3 The hubster looked like Goldilocks as a tyke!

  2. Wow, that baby banana face is so handsome, such a great smile and really enjoying his food. Hugs to you and I hope you have some fun! Love your hummingbirds.

  3. I love the photo of Baby Bananaface, Hannah! The hummingbirds are beautiful. I am so sorry you are going through this but I am hoping that you and your doctor will find the right treatment for you. Sending you warm hugs and much love.

    1. Thank you Linda :o) The hugs and love are definitely appreciated!

  4. LOVE that bonus picture. Such a happy charmer.
    And the cross stitch is a winner too. The recipients are going to love it. (I suspect I would cry happy tears.)
    I am so glad that even in the dark places you are looking for (and finding) the light.
    Hugs. And more hugs.

    1. Ah thank you EC! I sure hope they like it but I'm trying to remember it's the thought that counts :o) Thanks for the hugs too!

  5. I think it's interesting you keep a game sitting out at all times so you can just play whenever. I really want to steal that idea for myself! Hubby and I used to share a crossword puzzle everyday on our lunch break but that got old and stale after awhile. We both love word games and we are both looking for some things to break out of our specific ruts.

    I hope you do have fun at your parents house. :)

    That bonus picture...ha! Oh my.

    1. Playing the games helps with my anxiety too! Upwords is similar to Scrabble, I might even prefer it... Anyways, definitely recommend it :o)

      Thanks, I did have fun at my parents' house :o)

  6. What a great picture! He's a cutie.


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Be well, HBF