"Think less, do more" is the mantra recommended to me by my therapist to try and combat my reoccurring suicidal thoughts and just plain mean internal monologues of late that aren't any help to anyone.
It's certainly been helpful to me staying active and busy, my gym classes and more chores and walks and reading have been helping me cope and I achieved quite a few decent days for a good stretch there a week or so ago... but these past few days have been challenging and while they haven't been completely and totally awful they have had more than their fair share of negativity. Some days I haven't been able to cope very well at all and have felt hopeless and miserable but I also know that there have been many times that I am able to use my skills and keep myself from bottoming out completely and I'm proud of that.
So far, today has been better than the last few days but I'm still feeling unstable and fearful of dark thoughts. I thought of the mantra and dragged myself out of bed, adhering the to traditional morning practices of getting dressed for the gym and putting brekkie together and making the hubster's coffee. We began a game of Upwords and I took the dog out for his morning constitutional before kissing the boys goodbye and heading to the gym.
I didn't cry in class today (that happened in yoga class yesterday, I can't claim that I was totally stable to begin with but it was this song that really tipped me over the edge-I was wishing so hard that I could easily, simply change and be better for the hubster and BB as I listened). I got a good workout but wasn't quite ready to face the empty condo and lunch so I walked/jogged at the park until I felt spent. Big news, I made my own lunch today! That's a big deal! Lately I haven't had much appetite and have been inclined to skip eating so just to make sure I eat I end up getting some sort of fast food to just say I've eaten. Today I made a sandwich!
Anyways. Life has been tough lately. I have been emotional and frustrated, spitting angry at times (I seem to be struggling to accept that this is my life and that struggling against the darkness is likely always going to be a part of my life) and then alternately overwhelmingly grateful for the hubster and so loving toward him that it eases my pain for a while... it's been a roller coaster.
Thankfully the hubby recognizes that I'm in a dip and experiencing a challenging time and has been supportive. When my weekend didn't improve and Monday was still rough we decided to call into ECT and get another appointment, so I've got that coming up Thursday. I'm hoping that I'll feel better by then but we decided it would be best to have an appointment made and not need it than try to white-knuckle it.
I'm trying to do my best and stick with the DBT skills and soldier through the rough patch but it's definitely brought up a lot of my fears and confusion about my variety of treatments and what is working and what isn't and if I'm getting better; the wise-minded part of me believes that I'm making progress but the darkness can easily convince me that I'm not getting better and that I won't get better and that nothing works for me. I think I summed it all up as, "I'm trying to get better and I'm doing whatever I can to get better and that's better than giving in and just killing myself so just keep trying."
Well. I love typing and I could type all day but I feel like the loudmouth at a party that's run her mouth for too long! So I'll wish everyone well and hope that y'all are having good days :o)
Off to keep at keeping my head above water!