A Familiar Foe

Bad night-even though today was pretty good.

There was an incident with a cat, a vacuum, and a glass of orange juice. It was kinda funny but the fiance was way past irked! I laughed.

We hosted my brother and his buddy, which was nice. I made a great mac 'n cheese with chicken and veggies. We played a nice game and hung out and it was a good time.

Then the evening came... I signed up for my first 5k, which was a little anxiety inducing. What was worse was the fiance's off-hand comment about me needing to make my own money.

It cut me in the gut. I felt horrible. Ashamed and repulsed by myself. I literally felt ill, sick to my stomach. Such a fiercely burning fuel the self-hatred I host for myself...

The simple idea of working and earning money for simple reasons such as getting things that I want is such an emotionally complex thing for me I can't imagine going to an interview.

It's nearly impossible for me to separate my self-worth from my work. My only worth seems to come from being productive or doing good work and getting affirmation from others. None of my other "positive" attributes are worth anything in my demented mind.

I struggle horribly to embrace the idea that simply being alive is enough. Being a good person or being kind or creative or hard-working. But I can't convince myself that I'm worth anything without being able to work and contribute... Yet I don't feel like I can manage a job, so I feel horribly stuck and useless/hopeless/worthless.

A rough night.