What A Day

What a day, in a bad way! I think?

This Saturday I went to a meeting for my local doula organization, PALS. The phone message invitation I received was pretty vague and foreboding so I drove the half-hour south into downtown Seattle and tried not to let my mind run away with worst case scenarios.

The worst case scenario I envisioned? PALS was going under, my money and time commitment to certify through them would be wasted and I'd become even more isolated as a single practice doula in Snohomish County.

That I could've dealt with. Walking into a brain storm about how to save PALS and become "anti-racist" was not.

Three hours of group discussions about an issue I wasn't even aware of! Apparently a couple years back a new doula attended a meeting and was the only "doula of color" and subsequently made comments about PALS being racist and "white."

As it stands now the organization has 4 volunteer board members in over their heads and a couple of committees with 2-5 members, one of which is focused on eradicating racism. The few doula community events they host are subject to last minute day-of cancellations and overall the members just don't have the support they need and desire. They aren't a sustainable organization with only member fees for revenue and now they're reevaluating the entire organization.

A handful of volunteers for an organization supposed to be about supporting hundreds of doulas in the Puget Sound.

It's a mess.

The entire meeting I tried to wrap my head around anti-racism and how PALS became embroiled in a race overhaul in the midst of struggling to remain in existence, period. I struggled to rein myself in from breaking into "Fix-It" mode and found myself in a mental tailspin for the rest of the afternoon.

Thankfully another doula I knew at the meeting reassured me after I expressed my confusion and shock. She said, "We can only do what we can, when we can." The perfect comment for an overwhelmed Hannah.

As it stands, I can't entangle myself in the PALS debacle anytime soon. I haven't found them to be a source of support (especially since I already gave up driving to Seattle for therapy, driving there for a could-be meeting ain't on my to do list) and I've decided to look for other doula groups in Snohomish County. Not to mention ornament season is gearing up and I'm about to become very preoccupied.

I  still don't know what I think about the whole mess. I still don't know what I think about "anti-racism." Apparently my certification reading list is racist and white. I had no clue! I feel a sting from the whole thing, like I'm not good enough and just because I don't spend hours contemplating race relations I am racist.

Not sure if I will ever experience resolution, this may just be a lifelong confusion for me. It sure seems like that for a lot of people.

In other news, the hubster and I have taken to removing Fio's collar at night so his licking and scratching won't be so annoying. Need to pump more Benadryl into that mutt (holy cow, hubby just got up to give Fio meds as I typed that)! Millie gave the hubster front row seats to a puking, which he was fascinated by, and Iroh has been adorable napping on the couch at all hours. Although sometimes we have to evict him since he steals the hubby's favorite spot.

I've been practicing drawing and while I still have major confidence issues I have really been enjoying the practice, even if it means covering my hands in slick graphite dust and sprinkling eraser shavings all over my desk and lap!