Like A Slug

Like a slug, I am cruising. And by cruising, I mean slugging.

My life has jumped the rails recently, but not in a fiery obvious way, in a very discrete didn't-quite-catch-it way. Think of an action movie where the hero is on the ground but you didn't see the punch that landed him there. That's life right now. Startling change that kinda snuck up on me.

Thinking back on the last few months I can see where things went wrong. At the time I just denied the impact of my actions, or in this case inactions.

In July I was doing pretty well. I had been seeing a variety of care providers and was actually starting to care for myself. It's a difficult thing for me to care for myself, whether that be emotionally/mentally or through my actions, but I was nearly into a new pattern.

The problem came in the mail or over the phone, I can't remember which, but it was insurance related. Again. In the end it all worked out, but it shut me down.

I went to my last appointments in July then cancelled my planned acupuncture and ND appointments based upon my insurance anxieties. That in itself wasn't terrible but neglecting to hassle the insurance company and reschedule those appointments has landed me here, halfway through September without any support, not taking supplements, sleeping in excess of 10 hours a day and in danger of backsliding even further.

Things weren't perfect in August. I stopped taking my supplements and took less walks with the hub and Fio but I was busy with doula work and distracted from my dysfunction. This month, it's all about me and looking at what I've lost.

I know it's my responsibility, but I feel abandoned by my care providers. They've contacted me and say they are trying to work through the insurance crap but I feel sick about it all. Deep down I know I've betrayed myself, again. I'm punishing myself. Withholding help, trying to tell myself "buck up and improve or just curl up and die."

And even with these realizations I do not take action. I am stuck in a mental molasses, waiting for a white knight's grasp to haul me out and affirm that I matter enough to be saved.

I still don't have the capacity to save myself. This is a sad thing. Yet even with my grim thoughts I see these words as a good thing, a step in the right direction.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be my own white knight.

In other news, the cats are the easy ones lately as Fio has been scratching and licking himself to baldness with "summer allergies." The vet said Benadryl as he needs it but that isn't exactly gonna regrow the hair on his little tail nub. Very attractive. Blegh!