Had dinner with a teacher-friend last night since the hubs and BB were outta town.
I enjoyed myself but also feel sad.
I've never been able to keep up with this woman. She's a force. So smart and thoughtful, maybe lacking a little insight to herself, but a thinker and a doer. Once she gets going I don't have to say much, just a couple questions and "Mmmhmm" nods here and there... and that's what makes me sad. I don't contribute much outside an earnest ear. I don't know the news she does, the politics, and despite having an English degree and time on my hands, I've hardly ever read the same books or seen the same movies or have anything to say about them. It speaks to why I can't be a teacher, too.
Lemme clarify... it connects because despite the feeling of lacking (intelligence, knowledge, motivation, and achievement) I don't change. I don't try harder to get connected and I don't read the books that I think sound interesting from her descriptions. I don't listen to more podcasts or try more movies that I've never seen or heard of. Just like I felt stunted as a teacher, I stay in my lane. And I'm comfy there, but I feel shame for sticking to it, too. I feel like an embarrassment to Hubster, who is a try-and-see-what-happens type and a hardworker that wants to grow as a person.
I'm complacent. Dependent on the hubs. And while I'm sad, I don't see anything changing anytime soon. I'm that girl.
We switched my meds up a little bit to see if it would help with my motivation and such. I felt a bit more optimistic and willing to try for those several weeks, but I think it was a trick of the mind.
Perhaps this is complicated by frustrations at work as well, but I've felt bad about myself after hanging out with this friend and another friend that we do a writing club with for months. I'm the squeaky third wheel there and we know it, but a writing group of two just doesn't cut it, so I'm there. And I value it and enjoy it, but the pitfall with my self-confidence gnaws at me.
I know this is jumbled, but I trust my readers will understand. I thank you for being there and receiving this.
Now, I'll do some cat boxes... the boys are coming home in a couple hours with my nephew in tow for a week's visit in lieu of a summer camp. I'm apprehensive and I'm sure that doesn't help with the aforementioned feelings! This is my sister's oldest son. The one I've been so concerned for. And I've been warned he's been "sassy" lately, so we'll see what this week holds!
Side note: also had an interview that ended in a rejection and a job that I wanted to apply for that disappeared, so these sad feelings are getting more understandable for me... sigh. D'oh!
Hugs!
