Trip Sevens

A mildly creepy moment this evening when the fiance and I checked out 7 items from the library and I remembered a character from the Star Trek episode we'd watched with dinner was called "Gary Seven" AND in Boot Camp today I did a seven station exercise series.

Creeeeepy!

Seven-Seven-Seven this Monday, for whatever it's worth!

Playing Our Hand

The fiance and I were enjoying a game of Progressive Rummy-as we often do-and we had a funny, bittersweet moment that went something like this....

"You know what's funny?" I asked as I discarded a two of hearts and sat back in my chair.

"This?" he replied as he drew a playing card and emptied his hand onto the table. He laughed as I slumped, jotted down points and scooped the cards up to shuffle for the next hand.

"I was just thinking that if we hadn't gone to California we could have afforded a honeymoon." I smirked and gazed wistfully into his eyes.

Gazing lovingly back he laughed, "Yeah, that occurred me on the flight back home."

The trip had been more pain than pleasure and the only perk had been some quality time with his parents, which we could have got for much cheaper here in Washington. We couldn't really afford the airfare just as we couldn't afford to drive there, but we both thought making it to his sister's wedding was more important than maintaining a positive balance in our bank accounts.

"Well, we're good people." I sighed and shuffled.

"Yeah," he chuckled, "and that will make our honeymoon all the sweeter when we finally get around to it."

"Yeah." I smiled and dealt the cards.

It might be years or just months, but when we get our honeymoon, by golly, it'll be a good one! We'll have a honeymoon at home this October with our pets and hometown favorites in addition to a fun wedding weekend!

And that, my friends, is how we're playing our hand.

;o)

Dismay

I was looking for the perfect word to describe my mood and I think the closest match is dismay.

Definition of DISMAY

1

: to cause to lose courage or resolution (as because of alarm or fear) <must not let ourselves be dismayed by the task before us>

2

: upset, perturb <were dismayed by the condition of the building>

I'm upset, I'm afraid, I'm sad, I'm angry, and most of all I'm disappointed. 

Ya'll know that I'm getting married this October. Soon I'll be a new member in a family with its own history and dynamics that I'll probably never fully understand and haven't had much of a chance to learn about even over my long engagement. 

This past weekend was my one of my future sister-in-law's weddings and I experienced an unfortunate crash course in that pending family's tumultuous status quo. Don't get me wrong-this isn't a horribly abusive trailer trash alcoholic mess of a family but they have their anguish and long preserved pains that make some suburban families look like the Cleavers.

Regardless of the burdens they carry my in-laws are a good bunch of people. I love my parents-in-law and while my fiance and I would like to be closer to his siblings, we appreciate them as much as we can without knowing them all that well as individuals. 

Anyways. The crash course.

The decades-old conflict in the family is almost constantly center stage (at least for us). Visits to his parents' house always involve wistful allusions to children lost and we all share a sense of exhaustion and desperation. We can't figure a path toward reconciliation. 

While my fiance is one of the most sensitive to the family conflict he's also one of the least exposed. He's the youngest in the family, the closest to the parents, and a fair stretch younger than any of the other siblings. As empathetic and willing to resolve the issues as he may be-he is mostly counted out and very often belittled for his "ignorance." 

As his soon-to-be wife I'm very much on his side and his partner in all of this. As such, when he was feeling attacked this past weekend I came to his side and did my best to defend him. Turns out my rudimentary knowledge of family affairs led to more complications and upheaval than resolution in the skirmish and we left  for our flight feeling dejected, unappreciated, unwanted, frustrated, and heartbroken. 

We apologized for our missteps, but as I've posted about previously did receive the same treatment from the offending party. We understand that we most likely never will and have been told to "let sleeping dogs lie" and act on the assumption that nothing is wrong until we are blatantly told that someone is hurting, offended, or alluding to something serious. 

A tall order, eh? Especially for two people like us so sensitive to the pain of others and so resistant to leaving old wounds to fester. But what more can we do? We don't want to be completely excised from the family and yet we don't want to partake in the preservation of these negative relations. 

I suppose we can just be ourselves.

Let others know when we feel looked down upon or ridiculed or when something hurts our feelings (apparently there is NOT much value put on feelings but what we value we will protect) and we'll trudge forward. 

Our home will be a happy one and we will strive to improve relationships instead of preserve broken ones and if they don't like it-oh well, maybe they'll feel as awkward and unwelcome as they make us feel (although we'd rather they feel loved and supported and welcomed and appreciated).

There were much brighter spots during my weekend abroad but those belong in a different posting... For now I'm savoring my lovely overcast Washington weather and excitedly awaiting a fresh pot of coffee *yippee!*

Dress fitting later tonight-will update more later :o)

Some People...

Whatever happened to apologies? Apologies aren't for saying sorry something happened-I can apologize for the rain falling but what meaning does that hold? I see apologies become much more effective when you apologize for what effect was caused-I'm sorry the rain falled and ruined your painting, you must feel sad. I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. But no one seems to remember those apologies.

I'm sure everyone would rather leave those bad feelings behind, create someclosure and conciliation but it is hard to find those sincere feelings and approach them so directly with a genuine apology.

Why all this apology talk? Because I wanted such an apology from someone who hurt me, but he doesn't seem to understand this fine art of reconciliation. He prefers to file all the bad feelings and hurtful exchanges in the "crap" folder and move on-but I dont see that as really moving on... It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, it's about acknowledging and respecting someone else's feelings and showing you care with a meaningful apology.

I may never get my apology from him even though I gave him mine, so I'll write it here for myself. "Hannah, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings and made you feel like I could take you or leave you as part of this family. We both misunderstood some things and I will try to be more sensitive in the future." *hug it out* Then we could move forward and learn from this instead of continuing a useless pattern.

Not sure that's gonna happen. Some people just like their old, familiar emotional stew and marinate in it til the day they die. Enjoy yourselves! I'd rather drain the old muck and get fresh new bubbles and clean water :o)

Yuck

I feel yucky.

It's not a total yuck factor ten but I feel ugly and wore out and hopeless. I've been working out a lot and it feels good to feel exerted but I still feel empty and sad. Sad about being me.

How sad is that?

Oh Yeah!

This project turned out GREAT!

The fiance and I made these "make your own prayer flags" for our guests to do at our reception.

We made one sample banner (which is adorable) and then we have a variety of prayer flag colors for our guests to choose from.

The checklist is shrinking, but remains a formidable entity! Life will get a lot more boring after the wedding and all the projects are finished~or will it? Guess we'll see :o)

Fio the Super Pup

Such a cutie you can't take him foregranted!

Ruff

I'm really glad to have Fio lately. Sure, he's a work in progress and still a little unruly at times but he's a big help when I'm home alone and feeling down.

And sadly, those down feelings have been haunting me lately.

It's not quite my usual debilitating depression but a stalking negativity that paralyzes me. I feel almost paranoid the way these thoughts keep recurring.

And it's not just self-harming, suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. It's feeling bad about the housekeeping and having too much junk and been worried about my treatment plan's effectiveness. It's weird because I've been more social and active than ever these last few weeks, but my heart is weak.

In therapy we've been talking about a deep, deep feeling of worthlessness and shame. I've been too afraid to confront the feeling before and in the past I've been able to placate my fears with superficial achievement in school or work. Now I don't have that band-aid. I simply AM and I don't see just Hannah as very worthwhile.

The sad part is I'm not a bump on a log. I've been churning out wedding decor and exercising and doing productive things, but my band-aid isn't working like it used to. I've lost my defenses and I have no back-up plan.

I'm bare. I'm raw. I'm broken. And I'm painfully aware of it without a way to cope.

I feel so vulnerable right now and confused, hurting and alone. The fiance tries to be supportive but I can't explain it and he doesn't understand what is going on-it's not the normal schtick and even if it was I think we're all sick of that by now.

Egh, before I slide into a muddy pit of despair I'm going to cut myself off. Maybe my next post will be about all the trippy dreams I'm having lately? Last night I got some bulky piece of an electronic tablet stuck under my upper lip and had to find a surgeon in Disneyland!