WOWZA

First, some Baby Bananaface updates:

Family resemblance, or what? Was sorting
through some old photos in my closet and
found this shot from my baby years...

He really wanted to go outside.
So he "got dressed."

And for the WOWZA-Y moment of my yesterday. More discoveries from my closet...

I knew that I had been 250 lbs during pregnancy and I just wasn't sure if I had been before that. I was pretty sure. Whenever I asked the hubby he was evasive and wouldn't confirm anything.

Well, while I was cleaning out my closet I found stashes of old clothes. My maternity was altogether and then there was a different box. This box gave me my WOWZA moment of the afternoon.

I was shocked. I've lost so much weight!

 Once I found these pants the hubbo couldn't deny it anymore.

He said during a particularly bad depressive episode I 

topped out at 250 lbs. We still hiked and such and I found

a slew of 20/22 sized pants and XL shirts that I had forgotten.

I could actually fit both my legs down one leg
of the pants! It was so... shocking! I just didn't
remember! Such a weird feeling.

Also shocking was a bikini and teeny cover up that I found... apparently when I was lighter and just out of college (during my trip to Iceland) I decided I wanted to "feel European" and dare to wear a bikini to the hot springs. I'm not sure if I was more shocked by this discovery or the pants! Lots of disbelief both ways.

I know that I've lost a ton of weight in the last year or so-about 45 lbs. I didn't really count my pregnancy weight as my top weight before-though now that I know I was 250 lbs or more before that it makes me think of my total weight loss more like 75 lbs. That wasn't all in one go, so I wouldn't say that in conversation. Just for myself it feels good. Reminds me of what I can do. Not to mention surviving that depression... ANYWHO.

So. That is a bit of what I've been up to lately. Lots of jaw-dropping and loads of stuff to haul off to Goodwill.

We've been especially motivated to cut down since we decided to move in June when our lease is up. Going south toward cheaper rents. It means a major commute for the hubbo. We're thinking it's just about the only way to get things back on track since my PPD hurricane and all that financial fallout.

More on that later! In the meantime, happy spring and happy weekend :o)

More Pics-Grateful Moments

The hubster surprised me with new gyms shoes as a belated birthday present! He said the colors were bright and I was a bit nervous. He did just right though!

Turns out BB is a teeter-totter man: 

Big worm and other mischief with BB

Nice People

This afternoon I'm volunteering at the local blood bank handing out snacks and rebooking appointments. I enjoy it-just a little tired today! Lots of good folks.

The sunshine outside (deceptive since it's so cold still) makes me think of this morning just after cycling. It was sunny and cold and we were cooling down when one of the regulars complimented me:

"It's really good that you stick with this and keep up your routine. You're doing so well and you're an inspiration to a lot of people." 

He smiled and nodded and I said thank you, then he went on to ask, "What's your goal?"

I was a little befuddled. "My goal for what?"

"Your goal, ya know, with all of this." He swung an arm around the cycling room and toward the rest of the gym.

I paused for a moment, unsure if the answer that came to mind was the one I should share. After a moment's hesitation I opted for honesty, like I usually do.

"Staying alive." 

He shrugged and frowned in a tiny bit, a little unprepared for the answer but respectful. "Well, that's always good."

I went on to tell him a little bit about my struggles finding a medication and how the gym classes help maintain my mood. He complimented me again and then somehow we got into a chat about a friend of his that got pulled out of the line at the Canada/US border. 

It was after having a kidney test with radioactive iodine done. The screening machines were sensitive enough to detect the iodine in his body through the car-it was quite impressive. Apparently he's preparing to donate a kidney to a friend of theirs.

Anyways. Those are some positive nice people from day. Gym buddies, donors, volunteers, and bloggers :o)

Happy pre-Friday everyone ;o)

Hiking with Baby Bananaface

It was muddy, it was cold, it was messy, it was bold!

We let BB take the lead and on the way back we found an adorable squirrel!

Happy/Sad Days

Last week I got to graduate from my DBT therapy. Wednesday the 1st was my last group night and Tuesday the 7th was my last individual meeting. I can still contact my therapist if I need help or need a random session. Still, it was a goodbye rather than a "see ya later."

Saying goodbye to my classmates was more emotional than I expected. I knew that I would cry, I just didn't expect to be sniffling and stuttering and seal-barking hardcore crying like I was!


For DBT graduation we each hold a seashell and share our thoughts and goodbyes to each graduate before they get to hold the shell and give their goodbyes to the class. I started crying while people gave me their goodbyes and when I started into mine the dam really broke. Before I even addressed the class I gave them all individual cards and handed the instructor my bin of "special prizes" for the weeks when they get double homework or when they get to play Jeopardy for module reviews. It was a good feeling.

I got so many great compliments. People spoke about how different I am now compared to when I first started. I don't slump and mumble anymore. My shoulders are back and I'm a beaming light and I take up the whole room with my laugh-it was so sweet. They talk about how supportive and friendly I am. How hard I've worked at the skills. How different class will be without me.

My therapists each called me a "community maker." That meant a lot to me. For so long I've battled loneliness and felt so isolated. Now I initiate conversations with acquaintances and strangers. I reach out and don't worry about reciprocation. I'm not paralyzed by fear anymore. I'm me. Take it or leave it.


My individual therapist also talked about how much has changed over the past year. How she was really worried about me being able to do DBT with my history of ECT. When I started DBT I was still doing ECT. She said that they'd never encountered anyone who had done ECT that could effectively learn DBT-until me. She called me an anomaly. Special. It was magical. I felt like a diamond. It meant so much to have someone point out just how much I've battled through. How I've beat the odds.

I'm a success story. I want to stay a success story. One day a time.


We have done so much trying to get me back to good since Baby Bananaface was born. Medications, therapies, inpatient, outpatient, ECT, TMS, DBT, exercise. The medications have been a part of my recovery, sure, though I really feel like the DBT and my gym routine are what saved me.

For my birthday I got to share my thanks with my gym instructors and last week I got to share my thanks with my DBT community. I'm so happy that I'm in a place where I can share like that as well as acknowledge how far I've come.


Whew. So many emotions! Anywho. That happened. :o)

A picture and a slightly inappropiate story...

This may offend certain folks. To my hubby and I it was a rather hilarious moment and conversation!

The hubster came home and as we were chatting he came around to talking about lunch.

"We went to Whole Foods for lunch. Can you guess my total?"

I guessed $13.74. My favorite number is 13 and nearly every time he asks me to guess his total it's 13-something.

His raised his eyebrows and replied, "Close! It was $13.00 even!"

Handing me the receipt with a smirk, he picked up Baby Bananaface and put him into the play area.

"Hmmm." I said. "Normally when I see that my husband went to a "HOT BAR" I would be a bit suspicious-"

"As if anything would happen at a "HOT BAR" for $13.00," he laughed.

"There's some skanky hoes out there! Chlamydia could happen for $13.00." We both laughed and shook our heads.

As I swallowed a mouthful of sparkling water the hubster continued on to say, "Huh. $13.00 and a 50/50 chance of chlamydia!"

I felt myself begin to laugh out loud and tried to hold it back but couldn't. I leaned forward and spurted sparkling water all over my dinner plate. The bubbles crackled and popped, water dripping down my chin. When I opened my eyes I saw a ring of puddles and mist all around my plate and onto the table.

He laughed even harder and I joined in.

Maybe not the most... respectable conversation but it sure felt good to laugh so hard together. I love those oddball, unanticipated moments of coming together in laughter and joy!

Checking In

I'm feeling much better and totally recovered from my jungle fever. That night was awful and the next day I couldn't walk much without getting faint until that afternoon. Even into the evening I couldn't stand around for very long without having to sit down. I decided to skip my gym classes again the following day to give myself enough time to really bounce back. I was back at it on Thursday though!

RANDOM BB PICHe insisted on wearing his galoshes.
Certainly developing his own style!

There was an interesting moment with my mom (it was Friday I think). When we had visited for Baby Bananaface's birthday she had seemed agitated during our grocery/coffee run. I was pretty sure it wasn't something that me and mine had done. I still wanted to make sure and give her an opportunity to vent even if it was something else.

Well, when I asked she kept changing the subject. I kept asking. Even to the point when we were walking back into the house! "Is something bothering you or not? You keep changing the subject and avoid giving me an answer. What's going on? Do you just not want to talk about it? Just say so and I'll stop asking." She then admitted that she had been changing the subject and didn't want to talk about it-a big moment considering how emotionally accessible is!

So, the story continued a couple days ago.... She called me while she was on base getting her lab work done and picking up her meds (she takes injections for rheumatoid arthritis). Then she brought up the agitation! Something about how all of them being sick (my nephew, my sister, Mom, and Dad all at once) and how she was worn out.

She mentioned something about how she thinks my sister is realizing how agitated she really is lately. She also opened up about how she is not only exhausted, she misses having her own life. "Sure, he's my grandson and I love him and I want to take care of him. I just want some of my old life back. I don't like how I'm the one he comes running to whenever he needs something!"

It was sad and yet also felt amazing. I've decided to change the way I live with being open and genuine whether or not people reciprocate. Usually, my family doesn't really reciprocate with sharing personal feelings or opinions, they simply listen and nod type of thing. It can feel awkward. This time I got something in return! It made me feel like I was making a difference. It made me feel validated and encouraged to continue being myself. It felt wonderful.

RANDOM BB PIC
He picked out his jacket, hat, and mittens.
Pretty dang happy that morning!

I'm sad about the situation. It's not quite a hot mess; it certainly ain't near great though.

The relationship between my sister and her baby daddy is awful. She's borderline abusive I would say. That makes me and my parents worry about the future since sister/baby daddy are going to be in each others' lives for the rest of their lives! We want things to be better for my nephew... and for his parents.

My parents have had my sister and their grandson living with them for a while now. She moved in sometime during my recovery (I can't remember when because of the ECT) so it's been a decent length of time. Over a year now, I know. They're exhausted. She blows up at them and will sometimes complain to me about wanting her own place. I don't think she appreciates what she has and how good she has it. She calls herself a single parent when she's really got two co-parents.

RANDOM BB PIC
"No time for diapers!
I gotta catch up on my Reader's Digest!"

The hubs and I have been having some pretty... intense discussions lately as well. It's borderline arguing and there's definitely strong emotions-thankfully we always end up in a calmer place with more functional communication. I think I'll post about that later after I've had more time to think on it.

Hope everyone's having a good weekend. We've got blue skies and chilly temps. Might get some snow flurries today.