Email posting

Not sure if the photo attached will post but want to let everyone know that I'm doing alright. The hubs and I just celebrated 9 years of marriage with a disappointing dinner out but we did buy a salt cellar we really like haha

School is stressful but I'm on top of the end of the quarter. Some more whiners than last year trying to get work in late or change grades etc. 

Fall has come to our section of Utah. Quite windy today and cool, but no snow just yet. 

BB is staying busy with tutoring and tae kwon do and soccer-though soccer ends soon and we'll start him in swimming again. School seems to be going well for him and he likes it.

Ended up driving to Cali for fall recess break and doing Legoland and San Diego Zoo and the beach. Good trip but long drive!  My folks have been visiting and will be back for Thanksgiving too. Good times. 

Trying to hit CrossFit class two to three times a week and being very careful so hopefully o start feeling results soon.

Hoping everyone is well! Feel free to comment a personal update, good, bad or otherwise  :D  

Ugh and maybe oops?

My mood disorder is now "out" at work. Well, to five people so far but I feel naked on stage. 

I broke down in front amid an instructional coach and then another instructional coach. They said I should talk to my vice principal. Well when I met with him he already knew about the breakdown so one of them talked. I feel betrayed and unsafe. I know it was just out of concern but still.  

VP said basically nothing they can do. Hubby says we have ADA  and FMLA as options if it gets worse. So far I've felt down since Friday. Cried at work every day this week. Maybe not sobbing but still crying in public. 

The five that know… I guess the VP is the only one I'm not thrilled with. He's such a schmoozer and didn't seem very genuinely concerned. I like him well enough but not with this. Said he's been through postpartum with his wife but emphasized how little he understood. I just didn't felt very taken care of .

So we are waiting til the two week mark to declare a relapse unless things get serious. So far I've scratched myself a few times but not to bleeding. I feel weary and sad. But I've been doing what needs to be done. 

Big trigger was an off-loading of English language learners from a speciality class into my classes. I'm talking elementary level reading and writing. Distressing for me having to come up with completely alternative assignments even though the VP said he just wants them to be immersed but he doesn't care about much else. So I feel bad for them. It's a shit show. 

So I'm afraid of the rumor mill. I'm afraid of being seen differently now. I'm afraid of crashing and burning. And I'm also afraid that all this mess will have been for nothing if I get better. In this state I've lost my advocacy and pride. I feel shame again. 

But I do have cookie dough chilling in the fridge in case I get an appetite.

Summer

 Summer so far has gone pretty well but it has cruised by and I'm sad to see my free days coming to an end. 

I've made headway in my screenplay and written over a hundred pages. I'm following the teachings of a screenwriter named Syd Fields and did an exercise with notecards to outline my screenplay-well, I thought I would have more than enough to write but I've fallen short! I know what I need to do-more character development and transitional scenes-but I've hit a bit of a wall. He says most screenplays need to fall around 120 pages long, so I've got a bit to work in. 

Also, I survived a trip to Washington state to visit my family WITHOUT the hubster! There was a little bit of drama with my sister. Apparently my mother offended her somehow (I think my sister's husband was chastising my nephew harshly and my mom stormed off and it offended Emma) and then it got spun around onto me. She was screaming at the top of her lungs "IT'S NOT ALWAYS ALL ABOUT HER!" at my back while I sheltered BB. He didn't seem phased but it was scary. The rest of the family didn't seem phased either. At least, I don't think her children cried and I didn't hear them. I'll admit I wasn't making eye contact or looking around the room at the time though. I just know after she and her family had left everyone was quiet and then continued on with what they were doing as if nothing had happened. I have no idea how often she loses it like that. 

My sister texted me the next morning to apologize and claimed that she gets "fed up being on the backburner." When I told my friend the story and talked about how co-dependent my sister and my mother on, she said "sounds like she's on ALL the burners" and that made us laugh. I think that my family is still on eggshells around me, which is realistic considering how triggering and stressful they can be for me. I had no idea that my sister felt so.... unseen though. I guess that's a nice way to put it.

Bit of drama with the hubster's family while I was gone. Very unpleasant and saddening. He and his brother went on a hiking trip to one of the peaks here in Utah. Well, they got back a day early and decided to go downtown and hit some bars. We know that his brother has a "drinking problem" and we thought it was just that he likes alcohol and can't stop himself. The hubs is mindful to pace their drinking when they're together but it can be hard to control his brother's drinking. 

What we didn't know is that his brother's drinking has a very dark side. At some point during their night out, his brother flipped a switch and became violent. He struck the hubs across the cheek and kicked him in the stomach. He was hauled off my SLC cops and told to go to a hotel to sober up away from the hubs. Well, he didn't. He Ubered to our house and demanded his way in. The hubs should've called the cops then but he didn't want a disturbance in the neighborhood. So, his brother got in the house. He continued to be violent, throwing a large floor fan and a bed at the hubs. Breaking his glasses and threatening to destroy our TV as well.

While the bed was protecting him (after it had been launched across the room) the hubster called 911 for the second time and 3-4 cops showed up to haul his brother off again. It was heartbreaking to hear since the hubs and his brother have just started becoming closer these past few years and especially since we've moved to Utah and been closer to him. The hubs assures me though that he isn't wrecked over it because he and his brother have been estranged for 2/3 of his life and his brother has made some awful choices in the past that made this mess not quite as shocking (still very shocking). 

I said that I wished I had been home for it and the hubs said that he was glad I wasn't. It was so violent and BB and I would've just complicated things and made him distracted.

We are not sure what will happen. I mean, we know that he has charges against him and there will be a plea bargain or a trial sometime in the next year. We don't know if we'll get an apology or ever hear from his brother again but there is a no contact order right now with the legal stuff pending.

The hubster's parents are here right now and it's been interesting hearing their stories of his brothers from years past and discussing the whole mess with them. They are shocked and saddened as well, but like I said, his brother has had a history of some pretty bad choices so it's not unbelievable. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful summer-or winter, depending on where ya be! I'm nervous about starting up again but trying to limit my worrying to daily problems, not future endeavors.  I know that I'll be worrying enough once school starts! 

Wait, what?

 So my sister called via FaceTime last night. Apparently she had had dinner with our mother and had to tell me some stuff that they talked about.

There is a long-standing feud between my sister and an old family friend named Sue. She and  my mother used to be good friends until something went down with my sister. So my sister tells me last night that when she and Sue's daughter were going to the same college, my sister had a panic attack. Apparently Sue took that as my sister being suicidal and told "everyone" so that when my sister came back to work in our home town everything "thought I was crazy." 

First, I have multiple editions of this story and it seems to change a little bit each time. So I'm confused about that. Second, I had never heard this version before so it grabbed my attention.

She went on to say that she wanted to clear the air with Sue and talk about it but Sue became... aggressive? She told me that Sue said that my sister was a "manipulative bitch" and that she told my sister that she was "going to end up crazy and useless like your sister."

Mind you, this is the Sue that I lived with when I met my husband. This is the Sue that asked to see me before we left for Utah. This is the Sue that attended our private wedding ceremony. It's so confusing...

The hubs has no qualms about saying that my sister is simply lying or making things up to add to the truth.

She went on about something between the hubs and I and my mother. The story went that when my sister got pregnant right after BB was born that she became a trigger for me. That part is right. I just didn't know that she was so aware of it. 

There was a family event that she said she wasn't going to but I was. Apparently at the last minute she changed her mind and we weren't told. According to the story it triggered me and after the event we supposedly sent a horrible email to my mother about how she didn't warn us and we didn't want her in our lives anymore and didn't want her around BB.

We searched both our emails and could find no such message.

Once again, the hubs thinks she's making things up. That she's jealous right now or not feeling well and wanting to make me feel bad so she's making things up.

I can't conceive of it. Who would do such a thing? How could that be? He is so confident though.

What gets me is that she said, "I'm only telling you this now because you're super stable."

Why tell me at all if there aren't ulterior motives? What is her motive? Is this a symptom of our Freudian culture of digging things up and talking them to death? It definitely goes against my DBT training of acceptance and nonjudgment and letting go. Although addressing it directly with DBT skills is possible.

The hubs is confident we will simply forget about this and move on. Things with my mother are good (or so we thought) and there is no reason to upset the apple cart. 

But it's frustrating and bewildering. With my memory.... it complicates things. I can't remember my sister at her worst. I know I've written here extensively about it though. I can't imagine why she would do this.

Anyways. End of school is getting utterly boring. I finalized grades so I have nothing to do. My seniors have events and graduation next week so I'll be sitting around all day doing nothing except maybe watching a few kids during study hall. I have brought in sudoku, word searches, and a good book to combat the boredom but it's hard filling an ENTIRE DAY like I had to do Friday.

Weather her is still a bit volatile but warming up and the garden is doing well. I hope things will GROW and look full but it takes time. Thankfully most of our plants are perennials and we should get to see them expand over time. Well, that depends on how long we're here... the hubs wants to save up and get a house next spring but I'm not so motivated. I like it here. If we can't buy this house I'd be unwilling to move outside our neighborhood. Most of the houses are old and need fixing in some ways, so wouldn't we want to save up a down payment and some fixin' money?

So this turned out longer than I expected and hopefully makes sense. I'm willing to answer any questions!

Love and hugs. :o)

End of school and graduation coming up fast

 Bout a month and my seniors will leave the nest. I don't feel like I've done much to influence their lives. I think that comes with time if at all. Not everyone can be a keystone. That said, I made it through.

Found out that next year I'll be teaching exclusively senior English. It means that I have one prep which is good but there is a risk of boredom. This is already a concern as I've felt bored with the kids this year. I know I can't always be entertaining or fascinating but I do want to try and makes things a more fun experience for the kids next year.

Speaking of kids, BB has been doing pretty well and just started karate lessons. We're trying to incentivize his tutoring but it's difficult. I think we have to downsize his homework at this point-again. His kindergarten teacher is wary of burnout and says that some backsliding over the summer is normal, so don't make homework a warzone. He got some adorable graduation photos done a couple weeks ago!

The hubs and I are doing well. Been on a bit of a health-awareness campaign. Can't say kick because we haven't changed our diets or anything but we did join a gym. Although I must say that so far I've been that loaf that trudges and barely sweats. Right now just getting out there is a goal met. He's concerned about a coronary while I'm more concerned about muscle mass and finally fitting into some fleece lined jeans. 

Life in general has been... conflicted. I find myself managing all right with some mild anxiety most days but that means a lot of TV or dozing. I haven't been up on my stitching or getting out (always a challenge for me). It makes me wonder about switching my meds so I'm not as sleepy. That also concerns me because I'd be worried about being able to get to sleep without my tranquilizing drug. If anytime, it'd be during the summer I'd want to experiment with my regimen. So we shall see.

We have several things planned for the summer already! Memorial Day weekend we're visiting my brother-in-law and his family in Idaho. June we see my parents and then we see them again in July. July BB and I will travel back to WA for a nearly two-week visit and then once we get back the hubs's parents will be coming down to UT to visit us. Then in August we plan on taking BB to LEGOland and the San Diego zoo etc.! All that and gardening and naps in the heat (on a protective sun-proof porch). Looking forward to it.

Not looking forward to the inevitable anxiety worrying about next year though. Going from 1/2 time to 3/4 time will be a step up and I'll be getting up early 5 days a week instead of 2-3. I know the structure will be good for me... I worry about any exercise regimen I will have developed over the summer though. I do think the exercise gives me energy...

Anyway. This post is long enough! Let me know what you've been up to and how you are doing! 

Love and hugs.

End of the quarter is here! Ahem, well, on Friday...

 Can't believe it's the end of another quarter. And only one more to go!

But that's only part of the news, the main news is that I'm signed up to teach next year and it's not quite full-time! The principal came back to me and said that they can only use me for .750 not full-time. So I qualify for healthcare but don't have the pressure of 6 classes. Only 5.

Good news. Great news, I'd even say!

The hubs and I went to prom on Saturday and had a good time. Probably me more than him... he didn't like standing around that long but I was enjoying the music and cracking up at the kids moshing.

Ah! Battery is dying!

I am here! And doing pretty well! I care about you and send good vibes!

OUT!

Birthdays are done and the future is... blinding?

 BB's birthday went really well. He had a grand ole time with only a couple whining moments (it's my birthday and I want THIS). The tubing and sledding planned was right up his alley but I guess he had to make that decision for himself. He did refer to the day as his "best day ever" so that's nice.

As far as a blinding future.... the hubs has found a gig. The medical isn't great by any means. And the coverage we got to cover us while he was looking for new work doesn't pay anything toward my Vraylar, which meant a $300 bill this month. Once we pay the deductible we find out how much they'll actually contribute. Sucks.

But still, that's not the blinding future part. I'm getting distracted. The principal came by my room Tuesday and said that he needed me to "sell my prep" essentially teaching all day without a break in order to make things work for next year and keep me part-time. 

Well, he came back 15-minutes later and said that he was wrong. The part-time role is going away and there isn't a part-time opportunity for me. So it's full-time employment or I'm out. He said to let him know within the week.

The first day was fine. I was excited and vaguely anxious. Then the days became agony. Especially considering I was supposed to have an observation on Thursday that never showed up. Today was brutal and last night I was bed bound with my weighted blanket and ice.

But today I emailed the principal and said I'm going for it. I'm going to try. We shall see what happens. I'm terrified in so many ways and worried about self-care in major ways. I haven't been taking great care of myself as-is so the concept of FTE, compounded anxiety and stress, and fewer outlets is scary.

And as the hubby says, "Go for it. And if it doesn't work out, you quit. That's what people do!"

So I'm going to try and be "like people." ;o)

Catharsis

Listening to the album I listened to during labor. Wonderful. Never knew how cathartic it would be but a wonderful release and memories. 

Beautiful snow here right now but I haven't tried to drive in it yet! Sending warm wishes to those struggling.

Be well :o)

That Old Feeling

 Maybe not that old of a feeling, but ever since we decided we weren't have more children I've had a certain grief about it. Okay, grief and envy of those that get to have more children. It's not that I want another baby, it's just that I want to be pregnant and give birth again. Kinda confusing sometimes having those seemingly conflicting feelings.

Why bring this up yet again? My sister is pregnant. 

I mentioned a while back that she called me about some intense social anxiety and body image issues. She was even getting on antidepressants for it and then all of a sudden she decided having another baby was what she wanted. It didn't make sense to me then and it doesn't make sense to me now. She's in a bad place, why a baby? 

I've heard of people having babies trying to save their marriages, so maybe it's a similar thing? Not to save a marriage but to jolt her out of her problems? That said, I think it's only a temporary relief and her problems will return twofold after the baby comes. It's a temporary high that pregnancy and anticipation. For some people it stays a high when the baby comes, but sometimes it's a major down swing. She's already complaining about being "kidded out" and overwhelmed, so I don't suspect she'll be one of those lucky people that are skywriting after an infant shows up.

Anyway. Those old feelings came up. Yesterday I saw my birthing books and I started dry-sobbing. The tears won't come but I heave and gasp. Maybe you know what I mean. It seems strange to me since I used to cry so easily. The hubs understands. He honed in on it quite quick. I said I didn't want to talk about it and he guessed. He says it's probably worse since it's her. Thankfully we've got a lot of distance between us and I won't have to be around her growing belly and her complaints, thinking how much I would savor those 9 months and appreciate the experience of birth again.

My birthday and Valentine's Day were very nice. The boys made me feel special all day on Saturday for my birthday, starting off with a birthday brunch and then they made me brownies and I got some gifts and cards to open. Valentine's Day was nice and relaxed as well with cards, flowers, chocolates, and a box full of goodies for BB from grandma, my sister, and a family friend. It's a no school day today so BB is home again and so far it's going well. I don't feel overwhelmed having the extra full day with him so far. Sometimes that happens on long weekends.

Well, that is a long enough entry methinks. I hope everyone had a nice weekend. Quite a bit of snow around the PNW and we got a little bit here. The boys made a snow-monster once it started melting up a bit (otherwise it was too powdery)!

Be well :o)

Where am I?

 Okay, okay. I know where I am, here at home on a sunny day in Utah. What I'm questioning is where my identity has gone since this whole Covid mess and starting teaching.

I was baking bran muffins (something I use to do as much as twice a month) and realized it was the first time I had baked them since moving here in June. I've baked a cake (for the hubs's birthday) and some banana bread muffins on occasion but no biscotti and only a few batches of cookies. Baking used to be such a big part of my life. When I was at the CrossFit gym I would bring in something every other week it seemed. Now... now it feels novel.

My cross-stitching has faded to oblivion. I haven't picked it up in months and I'm so intimidated to start up again, much like my gym routine (or lack of routine). After the injury at my last CrossFit gym and then Covid I've totally lost any shape I was in (I'm now a rather weepy pear shape if you're curious) and I'm afraid of the drastically uphill battle it will be starting up a gym routine again. I'm getting my first dose of the vaccine on Thursday so in a few months I should be ready to rejoin the sweaty masses at some sort of gym. A scary thought.

I've been reading some at least. Another part of my identity. But my anxiety from work makes it very hard to concentrate. Sometimes I can only read two pages at a time and have to jump between books. 

Writing? Can't you tell how far off that boat I've sunk? Entries here are next-to-none and I'm not keeping a journal or anything. Any writing that could be considered writing is put into fake essays and examples for class.

It's interesting... scary, but interesting that I didn't realize how much of a sense of identity these things gave me until this whole pandemic swept them away. I've always been a little loose on my sense of self, a hallmark of borderline personality disorder. For some reason, this has me considering what does contribute to my sense of self? What is unique to me?

I like to bake, read, write, craft, and (used to) workout. I enjoy teas and decaf coffees. I like chocolate and birds and snails and slugs. Why I included snails and slugs near to an edible reference I'm not sure. I love BB and the hubster. Now, I'm starting to identify as a Utahn transplant and as something of a teacher. I like purple best and treasure a select few of my coffee mugs more than any other dishes. I don't consider myself to have a lot of friends but care for those that I have. I like to travel. I don't like going out in the snow all that much though. I'm not a dog person, but consider poodles a decent alternative. I'm a bit lonely and lost at the moment, but I'm not completely hopeless.

So there's something. And for whatever reason, I feel like I'm right where I need to be right now. Where else could I be? All things considered...

Green Days

On our family calendar I have different colored Sharpies I use and everyday when I cross a day off I use a color to note what kind of day I had. Green is good, orange is not great, and black is bad. Well, we're quite a ways into January and I've only had one orange day! This has been the best winter I've coped through in such a long time. I think it's mostly the Vraylar but the move could be credited as well. 

My days haven't been necessarily easy, planning for school still stresses me out A LOT, but I have been coping all right. I haven't been exercising regularly or doing my cross stitch, but what coping techniques I have managed have kept me in the green! No judgments, right? Well, I should clarify I'm not boozing it up or doing anything more harmful than watching a little more TV than usual. No judgments. Gotta remember no judgments.

In other news my therapist recommended a book called Atomic Habits and I'm really liking it so far. I've got some hard work ahead of me working on some bad and good habits and so far it feels like a novel approach. Mental and physical habits...

Getting distracted and have already had this post entry up for a couple days incomplete! My life has become typical somehow. A routine without disasters being routine and it's leaving me with a lack of something to write. Things have changed so much since I began this blog so long ago!

One last note. I went to a Zoom baby shower for my sister-in-law. The one that didn't bother to tell us that she was pregnant or getting married. It was a little awkward hardly knowing anyone there but there were some familiar faces, my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law. We got to talk a little bit, well not my mother-in-law. She was very anxious about it all and didn't speak much. I had completely forgotten about the event until she texted me the morning of. She said she really wanted me to go so she had someone that loves her there. I couldn't let her down. And the hubs was pissed that I had forgotten about his sister's shower, so there was that motivator as well. I sad I was sorry and he felt much better.

Exploring writing techniques this week in class. I think I'll have to write a stunt essay for the kids to dissect, which I am woefully out of shape for! I will try my best. Hopefully next year will more simple.

I'd love to say it...

 I'd love to say it. To say that today was unbelievable and staggering. It just wasn't. Sadly, while I was shocked I wasn't totally surprised. What a horrendous day in US history. I'm embarrassed for my nation. I'm afraid for the future as those people pass on their legacy, talk of this day with pride, and spread their dogma. 

Safe thoughts as we continue toward inauguration day. 

It's a new year already!

Our holidays went really well. BB was showered with gifts which left him with a "gift complex" thinking he should get gifts EVERYDAY. We're transitioning out of that phase but it's been difficult, especially when he is sleepy or hungry. My favorite gift has to be the heated throw from my mother. It's amazing! 

I'm not looking forward to going back to school... I managed to disconnect pretty thoroughly which is leaving me feeling unprepared and out-of-sorts. I'm worried about remembering how everything works not to mention planning which I have been completely uninspired toward. End of quarter is just two short weeks away so I'll have to have everything set.

The hubs also got to relax some and take a few days off. He doesn't accrue paid time off so he couldn't take more than a few days. His contract is coming up for renewal this month and so we're not quite sure what the future holds. He doesn't really want to continue with this company but he hasn't found another job quite yet. We shall see. I'm not freaking out like I may have in the past but, as I said before, we shall see.

I'm grateful for the sunnier (that doesn't really look like a word, does it?) weather here but not as much as the hubster. He glows with gratitude when he compares our previous region to our current locale. It's nice to see him peaceful and joyous. It has become more regular to me, normalized and perhaps I don't feel as much gratitude for it as I could. I still gawk at the mountains around us though. Sure we had mountains in WA state but not nearly as close and there is something more majestic here, older. 

I hope that everyone else has had a lovely holidays and bright New Year. I know things aren't going to change overnight but the change in numbers has brought a little hope. We are symbolic creatures, are we not? I also get to have my vaccine in a couple weeks and I'm very excited for that. Although I do hear of a different strain of the virus coming about and that makes me nervous. It really  is boggling.

Damn, some Boggle sounds awesome! Maybe I can get the hubster to play Upwords later... 

Happy New Year all and best of luck!