I've been wondering about myself a lot lately and I'm a little sick of it all. I feel like so much of my life is trying to figure out who I am and what I'm going to do while I'm here and trying to answer "Why?" for so many different things.
Lately, it's been an identity crisis of sorts. Identity is something I struggle with and have for many years-sheesh, I suppose I could say decades now. Quitting teaching means that I have relinquished a big label in my life. "Teacher" is a pretty heavy mantle and while I always felt like an imposter, it was easy to wear that identity through life.
I tried hard and did well in school. I followed rules and took compliments with buckets of skepticism, but even while I always doubted myself it seemed like I was supposed to be on the right track to being something special. Somehow that "special" focused on a career and making money and producing something of use.
This idea of being special was a huge part of my adolescence and fought with my heart a lot. I remember giving up art classes in about 4th grade because "You can't make money doing art" and I figured it was a pointless, selfish, and indulgent thing to pursue despite my natural talent and enjoyment. Somehow, that didn't quite happen with writing despite a similar thought process.
I ended up with a English degree... well, that wasn't the plan at first (because, what useful, special thing can you do with an English degree?) as I wanted to pursue science. Cue my first chemistry class and a radical realization that my high school career did NOT prepare me for the major I had in mind. So, what was I good at? English. New major-there ya go. It was heartbreaking, but a couple of years in the English department was nourishing and fun.
It didn't help me nurture a career or define a future.
This might sound denigrating, and I know it isn't true of me all the time-I have done some difficult things over the years, but I don't think I'm one for scaling mountains in the career field. I'm tenacious in certain ways, but climbing the ladder and challenging myself to excel at something I might not be naturally gifted with-it doesn't appeal to me. Hell, I haven't truly challenged myself with writing very much. I simply do what I can, when I can and leave it at that. It feels lazy. It feels shameful.
As I look at my life, the mediocrity of what could be defined as traditional achievements is clear. I wasn't truly an exceptional student-I actually missed out on a lot of high school education because I decided to do concurrent enrollment and get my associate's degree at the same time as my high school diploma, watering down my well of knowledge significantly. I didn't attend the hardest classes and I didn't strive to learn the challenging subjects... I got a 3.98 GPA by playing it safe whether or not it was intended that way.
I ended up wandering through life as a bank teller until I met my husband and had our child. Career never happened and when I tried teaching it didn't fit. So what if I'm not the career type? Maybe I'm just a worker bee. I have to see. I have to try. I have to accept that that is acceptable and that "special" isn't my only option.
Right now, I'm focused on the expectations the idea of "special" comes with. I think I need to abandon them. I've had mean thoughts about myself, that I'm lazy and complacent. But what if that is simply true and not an insult? What if I'm content? What if I'm easy to please? Maybe I don't have to want the world and wage great battles. The world needs it hobbits too, right? I might be capable of great things, but reading a book and baking a cake instead might be fine as well.
My husband has a 1950s streak in him, as I call it. He's a hard worker and he believes in working your ass off and climbing the ladder to where you want to be. He isn't a fairytale type, he's a real world, "It is what it is, suck it up and get to it" type. He isn't about glory and glamor. Maybe having "just a job" and not being "special" is fine-I just have to get used to that.
I can be driven and hardworking. I can succeed with certain things. I can be passionate or pragmatic. And while I'm obviously not content right now with everything, I think for the most part... I am that content, easy to please, simple person. I'm not a shark. I don't have to be. I don't think I'm a guppy necessarily, but whatever I am, it isn't exactly what I feel I was expected to be and I have to cope with that now.
So, I'm going to try something new to try and help support my family in this new job. It might not be a career or a nifty identity, but I can try to make things work and help support us.
