Whew

It's been a rough week or so since I've started training at the new job.

Sure, the early hours have been a big adjustment. Getting up at 5:00 am for a 6:30 am- 1:30 pm shift has got me going to sleep earlier. But the big issue is the workplace.

Training hasn't been very structured. I have no problem learning on the job, I just expect some teaching to learn from!


It's been very frustrating and atmosphere has been even more troublesome. I can handle quiet, but scared silent isn't what I consider a healthy work environment.

Overall it hasn't been a welcoming, encouraging environment but a uncomfortable, critical environment where everyone seems afraid of the workplace being closed down at any moment. Communication is definitely difficult, getting help or answers to questions is an uphill battle.


Not exactly a place you look forward to returning to everyday.

Thankfully the hubby has been supportive, encouraging, and comforting. I'm trying to hang-in-there for at least a month but am going to look for a better opportunity.

There was one glimmer of support this afternoon when I worked with new coworker this afternoon and he said that things are pretty stressful the first couple months and then the job gets really boring.

I asked if the suicidal rage subsides and he said that it did.

Still not convinced that'll be enough to make it worth hanging around for extended employment!

At therapy today I described the workplace and my feelings and while I'm struggling to validate my concerns I'm now reassured that my expectations are reasonable and that this job is woefully lacking what I need in a job.

It's okay that this job doesn't work for me, and it's okay to find a better fit, and I don't have to fix this place or stay on this sinking ship. I can do what's good for me!

So work kinda sucks. I'm trying to keep my head above water. I'm going to find a better fit.

Life sometimes involves accidentally stepping in poo.

What're The Chances?

Every once in a while I have days when I ask myself, "What were the chances?" and on even rarer occasions I get to smile at perfectly silly coincidences.

Today involved both!

Sunday evening I jotted a to-do list in my journal for the next day, Monday. By the time dinner came around I had completed everything on my list except sending out two resumes to potential job opportunities.

I was snuggled into bed ready to blow off the job search for yet another day when the hubster bustled in and prodded me back to the computer.

Not quite 15-minutes later I was back in bed having emailed out two quick inquiries and completing my last Monday to-do list goal. Sweet, right?

What were the chances I'd get a call back at 8:30 AM Tuesday morning from a resume I emailed out at 10:30 PM Monday night?

Srsly. EIGHT-THIRTY IN THE MORNING.

Somehow I managed to yawn the sleepiness out of my voice and conduct myself decently through an impromptu phone interview in bed.

The kicker? They wanted me to come in for an interview same day.

I had an appointment to donate blood that day, otherwise I would've gone in. As things panned out I ended up going in at 8:00 AM this morning for an in-person interview.

The kicker's kicker? I was offered the position, completed new-hire paperwork, and home before 11:00 AM.


What're the chances?

The hubby and I went out to Chinese for lunch to celebrate. We'd never gone to this restaurant in person, only ordered in delivery.

Wow, typing that out makes our Chinese food consumption habits sound kinda riskae! Then again, how many of us really know where our food comes from, eh?

Anywho. Lunch was yummy and this afternoon when I came up the stair to the apartment I spotted a familiar pink menu tucked behind our placard.

From said Chinese restaurant.

What're the chances?

Weeks ago I set a goal that I'd like to be working by the second week of June. Here I am after submitting two resumes with training for a new position starting tomorrow!

I wanted things to change, just happened a whole lot faster than I expected!

Kinda like that word search I did last night....

Mystery quote: "What we anticipate seldom occurs
what we least expected generally happens."
-Benjamin Disraeli

What were the chances?

Jolly Spring Cheer

A coworker of the hubby's is getting married next month and I made up the card today.

I didn't really have a plan when I started but I'm glad the way it turned out! I knew I wanted it to be spring colored but not overly feminine and I got to use some fun sparkly paper and even a cute purple button!

I've been making cards with the Cricut machine I got for my birthday for months now, but I nearly always forget to snap a pic before I send out the crafts! Now I'm trying to nourish some self-esteem and record my work :)

Earlier this weekend I made two identical cards for our parents that included slits for inserting a photo and felt pretty darn handy!

I'll try to remember to get a picture of the Father's Day cards I made before I send those out next month... One of the Cricut cartridges is "Camp" themed and had a handsome eagle I just had to make!

And I mean "Camp" as in summer camp, not the comedic, 'camp' style! Although, I suppose that qualification is completely subjective!

And some further spring cheer that I encountered while walking with Fio on Sunday!

We also stumbled upon a GINORMOUS roly poly bug but I didn't think to grab my phone before I escorted him off of the sidewalk. I moved that roly poly, a worm, and watched two centipedes along maybe twenty-feet of sidewalk on the way home from the library.

A lovely afternoon :)

Internal Dialogue

Sometimes I am downright cruel to myself. It's something I've been trying to work past for years.

Over two years ago I started this blog to practice expressing myself, attempt to validate myself, and improve my life, but last night I didn't feel so good about my blogging.

Yesterday I joined BlogHer. I'm still not completely wrapped around what I'm doing on BlogHer but I was compelled and so I joined. After the initial thrill wore off the all too familiar anxiety set in.

Who am I to call myself a blogger? What have I really been saying these past two years? What's the point of this blog? Do I really have a theme or point to any of my posts?

And worst of all:

Is this blog just a glorified Facebook full of bloated "nothing" posts?

Thankfully, I was able look past my panic and shaky self-value and wonder where all these thoughts come from.

A big chunk of this negativity blossoms from my horrible self-esteem/self-worth, but what I found most intriguing was a tiny glimmer behind that familiar dark shroud. That little glimmer whispered, "Because you haven't been honest."

Sure, I've shared a lot in this blog. I've even made some great insights, but for the most part I haven't been honest.

I haven't been completely myself, I've shied away from insight and embracing my full emotions and opinions. I've wimped out.

And now, I'm going to try accepting myself and stop holding back, stop stifling, stop hiding.

Here goes!

Look What I Found On My Phone....

BUSTED.

Fio and I taking a nap while the hubster did errands.

And yes. Our sofa is populated with stuffed animals.

That bunny happens to be over twenty years old.

Quality naps!

Mystery

Saturday I woke up, rubbed my eyes, and wouldn't you know it I felt something funky on my face (not the usual eye boogers).

Didn't take long to find a bubbly scab clinging to my fingers and upon further tactile investigation I found a tender spot on the side of my nose near my eye.

It's not very big, but talk about annoying placement! Right where my glasses nose pad rests.

No idea how it got there.

I'm guessing I accidentally scratched myself in the night or a cat ran across my face. 

Both are equally likely.

Seriously.

More mystery ensued that afternoon when I went through the cars looking for the hubster's sunnies.

Unfortunately I didn't find his sunglasses. I did find a bunch of food particles and sticky stuff (funny how there always manages to be something sticky under a car seat) and a cute Lego girl with a pet monkey.

Doesn't everyone's car have a cute Lego girl hitchhiking with her monkey pal?

Anywho. That wasn't my big find. :)

About 7+ years ago I lost a pair of earrings that I absolutely adored. Ever since then I've had occasional bouts of mourning for these earrings and even though I bought them from Target and thought I'd be able to buy another pair, I've never been able to find them in stores. 

I never knew what happened to these beloved earrings. Until this weekend.

They were wedged into the carpet under the passenger side seat in the Sable. Good thing they were pressed into the floor otherwise they would've been vacuumed up years ago!

I only spotted one at first and didn't let myself get too excited, just relieved to finally know what happened to those earrings. Then I found the other stuck near the seat mount and squealed to myself.

Such a strange relief just to know that they were lost in my car and so exciting to find the pair! 

So even though I have a mysterious open sore on my face, I'm happy to have my long lost earrings back.

<This silly picture has been on my F'book page for years and I've left it up mostly because it was the last time I remember wearing those earrings! 

Let me tell ya, there are way better pictures of me and my bestie, but those gosh darn earrings have been haunting me! Ha! No longer!

Yippee :)

Damn Dairy, Damn Inflammation!

I've felt like quite the crone the past few days!

My shoulders have been aching to no end, so much so that I've needed to ice, soak, and take breaks throughout the day. I suspect the extra pain might be related to extra awareness after my naturopath appointment Wednesday.

I mentioned I was interested in acupuncture (first appt. in a couple weeks!) and my doc did a quick exam on my back and shoulders and neck while we discussed the treatment. She confirmed that I did have some knots in my shoulders and also mentioned the my left side is more inflamed and sensitive, even that my achy shoulders relate to my occasional headaches!

I'm glad that I've started the process toward treating my painful shoulder tension but now that it's in the forefront of my mind the pain has been miserable.

A couple of bad days with anxiety over weight and clothes and socializing really notched up the pain and I've been in recovery mode since Thursday.

In addition to the shriveled shoulder feeling I've been battling my dairy demon.

After removing dairy from my diet for a week I really noticed a difference-and improvement-in my congestion and digestion. No post-nasal drip, phlegm, constipation, or runny nose!

That's the good. The bad is that the past few days I haven't been excising all the dairy in my diet and my body isn't likin' it! I've been hobbling around with achy shoulders, carrying a Nalgene, blowing my nose and clearing my throat. 

Funny how I can look and feel so sick without having a cold or flu or such!

Egh.

Somewhat uncomfortable weekend for me.

Things were already awkward waiting for plans to solidify regarding a potential visit from the parents or just Mom or no visit at all. Then I got an upset phone call from the sis as she was panicking about quitting her job.

I didn't really know what t say but I tried to focus on letting her know that I loved her and cared regardless of whatever happened. It turned out to be a great moment in our somewhat rocky relationship-swapping "I love you sis"s and reinforcing each others' need to "let go."

Oh yeah. The crux of her panic was the fear of our mother's reaction.

Which turned out to be a bad one. Mom is pissed.

So there was some phone tag between the family and after missing a call from my mom and her not returning my return call I made a short call to my dad, then opted not to worry over things and enjoy the evening with the hubster.

Up comes Saturday morning and after the hubby leaves for work I get a call from my mother saying that she is leaving and will be at my place by ten. She called to let me know that she was coming for a visit around 8:30 AM the day of.

Lovely.

Things got even lovelier when she asked me shortly after her arrival and settling in, "Are you ready for your lecture now or...?"

I asked if it was the usual "weight and depression" one and she affirmed my suspicions. Sadly what I most remember is her saying something along the lines of, "Well I came up to talk to you." Not a visit, not to see how I'm doing, to lecture me.

Gee thanks.

It was an awkward weekend and even though she was nice and bought me the fish oil I had been wanting (yes, I was wanting fish oil) and even a new shirt and kitchen timer I was tense and anxious most of the time, focusing on keeping my cool and listening and not getting swept away by my emotions.

She talked, I listened. She said it was time for her to exercise me, I plodded along. It sure felt shitty. Like instead of a 24 YO married woman I was back to my 13 YO chubby middle school self adhering to the latest Mommy-ordered diet/exercise sequence.

Well guess what? It's been over a decade and I'm still not quite "under control." Guess something has to change.

Good news is that I'm working on that exact problem!

This may seem like a whiny, selfish post but it's a huge step for me to even be able to talk about my frustrations or feelings so honestly, especially when they concern my mother.

So, "Yay me!" *pats self on back* Little by little I'm getting where I need to be. Whew. Still hard to express these feelings though!

Seriously. Big deal for me to post this!

Okay. Other good news.... I Googled "Hannah Bananaface" as I usually do every once in a while but this time I checked out Images and was so proud to see so many of my photos floating in the Cloud! How cool! I feel famous! Ha!

I have some loyal followers (yay followers! thank you!) but I don't get a ton of feedback, so sometimes it feels like I'm typing to a wall. Somehow, a Google search full of my post images makes me feel more validated. I made an imprint!

By golly, I'll keep typing and posting and tacking up images if only to see myself "talk," and hopefully it isn't too shabby of reading for those who may be interested :o)