No Thanks

Didn't really want to have a day like I had yesterday.

Slow start with sleeping in and creeping anxiety throughout the day as I fretted about a meet-n-greet scheduled for that evening. The meeting didn't go badly I just lacked confidence and direction and with my characteristic self-cruelty tore myself apart for the rest of the night.

I've decided to try some new things and study up to reassure myself about my doula role but still feel demoralized about last night. At least a little part of me knew it was the bad programming talking but it's so overwhelming not being able to see anything positive, losing faith so completely in myself and feeling like such a worthless fraud.

Couldn't get to sleep until close to 2:00 am but it was so sweet when my mind finally slowed down and those mean thoughts faded away.

Crying In Plain Sight

The hubster and I went for a walk with Fio the other night and for some reason a noisy motorcycle triggered some emotions.

Next thing you know I'm crying as we're strolling down the highway. I was recalling a memory from many moons ago when my brother burnt his hand on a hot motorcycle muffler.

From what I remember it was my dad's motorcycle and we were at my aunt's house. The gals were inside and the boys were outside with the bike. Of course, Dad told my brother "don't touch that, it's hot," and of course, Mom told my dad "you better watch him, tell him not to touch," but it happened anyway.

I don't know if it actually happened this way but I have a memory of carrying a bowl full of ice water, an aluminum mixing bowl like one I still keep in my own kitchen. I remember feeling guilty and a scolding look from my mother. We were around 4 and 5 years old.

Eventually I remember the high walls and linoleum of a hospital...

I cried during the walk as I dug up this memory and experienced my old pain and confusion. Subsequent memories of feeling responsible for my siblings and getting mixed messages from my parents poured forth with more tears.

I didn't feel like I belonged with "the kids" and even though I was given the message that I was responsible for my siblings from a very young age I knew I didn't belong with "the parents." I was lost in some in between space and blaming myself for my siblings bad grades or tantrums, any issue that I couldn't understand was somehow my fault.

My sibs shunned me for being a mother hen and a killjoy, teased me and yelled at my parents for comparing them to me. My parents alternately reinforced my para-parent role giving me additional responsibility and expectations then chastising me for butting in, interpreting the consistent emotional breakdowns and sullenness as personality traits, not symptoms.

Many years later, here I am. I don't know who I am. I still feel alone, possibly even more alone and separated from my family. I haven't learned how to maintain boundaries between my responsibilities and others', I take things very personally and easily assume guilt.

But I want to move on with my life. I want things to change and I want to leave these haunting memories and shadowy obligations behind me. I'm not under my parents employment, I'm not caretaker for my grown siblings. I'm ready to have my own life, I just don't know exactly how to do that at the moment.

Worse yet I don't have the skill or gumption to defend myself against old standards within the family.

Guess that explains the avoiding I've been doing lately, eh?

In other news, we've been able to go a couple weeks without Millie peeing on anything *knockonwood* Fio got a new collar and Iroh is sporting some pretty terrible dandruff.

Yippee!

Half of this yippee is legitimate and the other half is sarcastic.

The legitimate half is that my blog has passed 10,000 views! And I haven't been feeling horrible! Yippee!

The sarcastic half is that I've got more insurance crap to deal with.

Our insurance from last month still has outstanding, unresolved claims that I'm not sure can be resolved by our certificate of continuing coverage or if there was yet another mix-up and delay that is hindering the payments. Either way, it's a pain in the neck and every time we call we get someone different with a new story.

As far as new insurance, it wasn't a seamless transition. The hubster has been looking forward to this new insurance for weeks but now that we're finally covered I'm just frustrated.

Not only was the insurance not activated by the 1st as was scheduled, some of my current providers aren't covered. To be precise, 2/3 of my providers aren't covered.

After switching up therapists and primary care docs a few months back and then dealing with the taper and some episodes I don't feel up to another scramble. Thankfully I haven't had any serious issues that require immediate attention, so I've decided to just let things sit for a bit.

That said I know that I'm going to have to find another new therapist and another new primary care naturopath and I'm not happy about it. My acupuncturist is covered at least and I could see the Foot Zone lady again since she doesn't take insurance anyways but I feel like my main line of defense is down.

I really liked my therapist and I really liked my naturopath and the office staff/atmosphere/location. It's a bummer and a pain and definitely discouraging.

In better news I've been reading a book that really resonates with me and has helped me feel better lately, it's Karol K. Truman's "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die." The Foot Zone therapist recommended it to me and I've really liked it, there are similar concepts to Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life" but more theory.

I'm also on call for a birth and anxious about my performance as a doula. I have so little faith even when I have a good track record!

Recognition

Okay, so I've been insanely lonely and feeling worthless and pretty invisible so anything that gives me a sense of recognition sparks a little glimmer in my day and Hyperbole and a Half's post about depression did that for me today.

Unfortunately I haven't had my own video store experience lately and sadly one revelation in a video rental store doesn't stop depression dead in its tracks. But it sure helps.

It's funny how recognition can mean someone specifically acknowledging you or simply identifying with something externally. Either way, it takes two to tango. Staying inside the house all day kinda makes that difficult.

In other news, Iroh has been hanging out with me up on the couch and even in my lap more lately. Millie has been a holy terror and we've had to keep the bedroom door shut to prevent her from pissing all over more of our fabric belongings. Fio ate some apple today....

Side-Tracked

It's been a little bit since my last blog post and I don't really have a reason why.

Sure, I got a little busy. Sure, I had a couple episodes. Maybe it was a combination of not knowing what to say and not feeling worth mentioning.

Feeling worthless is a huge problem for me. I'm so self-punitive and critical that I can feel a physical toll taken on my body even when most doctors would say I'm in pretty good health (aside from the obesity thing, cholesterol, blood pressure-the works are all "good").

All that was reaffirmed Monday when I went to the Foot Zone Therapy appointment.

It was a very soothing, affirming appointment with a lot of energy work and from what I remember, not a whole lot of feet-touching overall! I'm still sad but I felt a confidence boost as many of my feelings and suspicions were confirmed.

Now the difficult task of believing in myself and trying to implement change. It's pretty hard to make something from nothing, and that's how I feel when it comes to creating a sense of self-worth.

I've been wandering around the planet for 24 years now and haven't learned the art of caring for myself.

I'm pretty good at brushing my teeth but when it comes to really caring for myself-about myself I kinda suck. The way I'm seeing things now, maybe all these horrible episodes and depression at this point in my life is forcing me to address how serious my deficient care is and force me to learn something new.

Now I just have undo two decades of training and conditioning and try to shove something completely new into my weak psyche.

Cake!

PS Mmmm cake. *drool*

Bad Dog!