Bittersweet Romance

I found myself crying on the toilet last night.

After Baby Bananaface had gone to bed the hubster and I found ourselves talking about our past. Our courtship. Our memories. Maybe, more accurately, his memories. I couldn't remember the vast majority of events, moments, excursions, and sweet nothings that he described.

My memory loss usually only comes up in passing. Often, I will feel bad about not remembering such cherished stories. Sometimes, he will feel frustrated and sad as well. Rarely, he lets it show and last night was one of those nights.

Our chat continued into the bedroom and into the darkness. At one point bringing us to the topic of love notes. Apparently I wrote many in our early days and the hubby keeps most of them in a little box. He brought out he box and we sifted through them all.

It was a bittersweet exercise. Seeing all those notes and doodles and revisiting that era of new love. Reading about our adventures as well as the struggles. The hubster describing the sparse furniture featured in our first apartment. My apologies for symptoms of yet-diagnosed disorders.

I could count on one hand the things I actually remembered. After we had read them all he asked, "Did that jog any memories?" I shook my head and shrugged, "Not really. No." My eyes teared up and his brow furrowed. He tried to comfort me and tell me that some of the memories could still back. Grief was in his eyes and lumped in my throat.

Rolling over in the bed, I excused myself and trudged to the bathroom. Tears gathered on my cheeks before I cleared the hallway. By the time I finished peeing I was smothering sudden short-lived sobs.

It was a brief, deep grieving. In that moment I wasn't just acknowledging the loss, I was recognizing the countless moments over the past couple years that the hubs had accommodated my memory loss, supplied information, or concealed his own frustrations and sadness. We try not to spend too much time thinking on it and that seems to work alright-most of the time.

Most of the time.

We're okay with that.

Even if we don't have the memories to share, we still have the love.

Little Interview....

My brain is pretty scrambled, but I think I can manage this little interview I found over at Joey's Pad.

Here are the 6 questions for this week:


1. Tradition...how tightly do you cling to tradition when it comes to holiday gatherings and celebrations? For instance do you always do the cooking, never eat at home, always go to grandma's, never miss the parade, always watch football, never change the menu, always eat at 2 PM, etc.? Have you ever celebrated Christmas or Thanksgiving away from hearth, home, and family? How did that feel?

I used to be much more attached to traditions. Now that the hubs and I are developing our own, things have become loosey-goosey. I tried to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and we agitated and repulsed and bored. I no longer feel compelled to bake for days on end-certainly not seasonal items that I don't even like much and are "have-tos." Fuck "have-tos." (Yes, I'm cranky)

I celebrated Thanksgiving on my own this year. Well, not really celebrated, I was just home, alone, on that day. It felt strange and a little lonely at first, then I started a to-do list and went with the flow. It was nice to have no strings!

Wondering what the future holds for our traditions... I love to host and holidays are also deeply personal to me. Being unable to accommodate my in-laws and not wanting my family around complicates things! IDK We shall see. 

I know I wanna do advent calendar and the pickle with BB for sure though :o)


2. Help...is it easy for you to ask for help or are you a do-it-yourselfer? How is that a good/bad thing?

I'm mostly a do-it-yourselfer although I quite often ask people instead of Googling something for myself, which can be a bit opposite... anyways. It's usually a good thing-I get things done. It can be really bad when I shame myself not being capable or wanting help and struggling when my inner voice tells me to suck it up. More and more I am asking for help or delegating and saying "no." I like it :o)


3. Abundance...what is there an abundance of in your kitchen?

Spices. And white washcloths. 


4. Name...the smallest thing you're thankful for? the biggest?

Smallest: Atoms.

Biggest: Love.


5. Key...What do you think is the key to living a more grateful life?

Mindfulness and releasing judgments and embracing the perspective that everything in our world exists on a spectrum. I don't think I'm exactly practicing gratitude when I practice radical acceptance and police my judgments, although I think it facilitates a more grateful and satisfying life for me. So I'm gonna stick with that.


6. State your own random thought here.

It's okay that I struggle with certain symptoms of my disorders... I've been self-conscious recently about my difficulty gauging proper social boundaries and trying to conduct myself in "appropriate" ways and holding my tongue or not sharing my true feelings or thoughts. I'm coming to a place where I'm okay not knowing what to do. Over the years, I might pick up on more things. If not, okay. I am who/what I am. I'm not my disorder, and still, it's part of me. That's okay. I don't have to mold myself to a cultural standard. I can just do me. People love and accept me for that, and those that don't-screw 'em.

That said, I'm gonna try to not be quite as vulgar in public... ;o)


Thinking of you all and hoping you're well! I managed to read a couple blogs just now and now I need to get away from computers for a bit.

Be well :o)

Happy Turkey Day

BB is looking so mature! Still, loves his Duplos and Play-Doh and Grandma's yeast rolls.

Grateful for all of you and wishing of all my American friends a happy Thanksgiving. 

This year our family is apart-then hubs and B.B. on the other side of the state while I'm home. It was the only way to make the cost of a car rental worth it and make sure I get all the hours at work possible.

So far, so good. Little sad and missing my boys but keeping busy.

A year...

Hi Again

It's been a little over a week now since the hubster got laid off.

It's been rocky and at sometimes suspiciously smooth. A confusing mash of understanding and support jumbled up with grief and misdirected anger.

Already having been in the midst of a recovery period and trying to regain some of the balance I lost during the summer living with my family makes me feel more vulnerable. Not that unemployment at any stage of stability wouldn't be a nuke on anyone's life.

There has been some down swings along with a few upswings. The more problematic symptom has been anger. Outbursts, violence, bickering, and eventually the shame and sadness that usually follow my angry moments.

Thankfully the violence has been limited to slamming my fists on a table, flicking or throwing something (not at anyone or to break anything), and yelling. It's still embarrassing and I know that it stresses Baby Bananaface. The hubs and I aren't used to this level of... angst and expression. Being the types that don't just let things lie means that we struggle to shelve things in order to discuss them in a more appropriate way. Things just erupt wherever and whenever.

Even during these rough times, we know that we are committed to one another and strive to improve. We know things will get there. Baby steps.

The holidays are coming.

My nephew's birthday is Saturday. We haven't heard of any party or anything. Wouldn't be surprised if we weren't invited, or invited last minute with the hope of us not being able to make it sort of thing.

We are going to send him a gift and card in the mail tomorrow, just in case.

The journeys across state for Thanksgiving and Christmas are a little worrying. Expenses and potty training complicate things. Our little commuter car isn't something we like to drive over the pass-let alone put more miles on-and we hate to spend money on a rental right now. We shall see how things work out.


Off to errands and chores.

Thank you for commenting! I'm sorry that I can't respond to everyone lately or read around. I do miss everyone and look forward to catching up more thoroughly soon :o)