Treatment

Saw some friends from the hospital this time! 

Before and after... remembered my premeds this time so MUCH better recovery this time!

Honestly.

I had ECT this morning. Now, it's this afternoon and I'm recuperating on the couch, watching a movie called "50/50." If you haven't seen it, I'd recommend it-just, maybe not on a day when you're keenly aware of your own illness.

Not too long ago I paused the movie and lurched off the couch and creaked down the hall to the bathroom. The boys had been playing for a bit and somehow I couldn't put it together where they were... Mind you, we live in a three-bedroom apartment. 

Standing in that hallway there was an open door to our bedroom on my right, a closed door ahead of me, and an open door on my left to the bathroom. They weren't in our bedroom or the bathroom and I couldn't remember what was behind the door in front of me.

I couldn't visualize BB's room. I could hear the boys playing and I couldn't imagine where they were. I forgot where his bed was, the blue mini-trampoline by the toy box and his bookshelf. I could hear their voices and had no idea the space they inhabited, the physical plane where they existed, what they could possibly look like behind that door.

My breath caught and the tears came. I stifled sobs and ducked into the bathroom, collapsing onto the floor in the dark. My nose ran. I wiped away tears and tried to keep quiet. Sucking air as I scrambled onto BB's plastic IKEA stool, I swiped at the door until it was mostly closed and slumped against the cabinet.

I was sick. I am sick. 

It's not usual for people to forget what their son's bedroom-a room they're in everyday-looks like. It's not usual for people to be getting IV sticks more than ice cream cones. When I can't remember what I read on the gym whiteboard or any part of the Super Bowl that I watched with the hubs, my gym friend, and our sons... it's not average. It's not a personality trait. It's a side effect. 

I'm sick. I'm sick and there's no cure. I can-I have-achieved remissions. I won't always be experiencing such dramatic side effects. I'm still sick. I'm still hitting up the pharmacy more often than most people visit The Olive Garden or some shit... I mean, you should see my medicine "cabinet." Honestly, I should be upgrading my storage options, 'cuz it's a cluster, I tell ya what.

Honestly. That word. It's a tough one for me. I have a difficult time gauging what's "honest" and what's "dramatic." Maybe that's because sometimes the honest truth is dramatic. Well, I don't want to be dramatic and I want to honest, so not only am I writing this post-I'm sharing some pictures that I've only ever shown to the hubs (well, he's not even seen some of them!).

So. Here goes. Some pictures. And more about my experience of being sick-not that I'm nearly as sick as some people! I know that it could be worse. I just want to be honest about how bad it is. I think a lot of it's about admitting to myself what I'm feeling... I've been opening up to some gym friends lately and it's a little confusing being so "chill" when I'm feeling so bad some days-ANYWAYS. Here goes.

I'm just gonna do it. (might've shared some of these before, just so ya know)

Heading into ECT w/ my hair net.
We put gowns over our street clothes
& cram all our belongings into bright green bags
that they leave at the foot of our bed during treatment.
Sometimes I'm lucky and get the Bair Hugger!

I got a butterfly IV today. Really easy stick too!
Took a picture to taunt the hubby-

Guess it's all about perspective, eh?
He's not one for needles-

Annual blood work does him in.
Kind of lucky that
I'm the "sick" one in that way!

Coming out of ECT.
This seems like my uniform of late-
striped cap, green sweater, Crocs!
It looks like I've been crying, although
I'm usually just misty-eyed post-anesthesia. 

Recovering last week at my parents' w/ BB
eating "yee-gurt" and watching Olympics.

Today.
Hard to see the goop on my temple from treatment-it's there.
Watching a movie about cancer made my cap feel way more "sicky!"
Hurt pretty bad post-treatment today.
Worst in a long time.
Getting a bit better now.

Found this from last month.
I can't remember exactly-I think we went
to the ER. The hubs claimed that he called
ahead and that they "had a room." Later
he admitted that he didn't know, he just told me
so to get me to the hospital.
Smart man.

So, I'm lying on the couch with a mass pillows and extra soft couch blankets (we're "couch blankets" people around here) and posting all these pictures... I feel like I've said something and not enough. Earlier, those sobs, that pain, I really, truly, deeply felt it. Now I feel numbed again. "It's not that bad" again.

Tapped for now.

Thank you. Love and hugs and gratitude and smiles. I'm getting back to "my life" more and more, hopefully that means more blogging. Even if it doesn't quite yet, know that I think of you all!

Bonus pic:

Made it to 29!
First official (29 yrs) bracelet :o)
PS: Good game in the background!

Which button do I...

...push?

Wow. It's been so long! Life has been keeping me quite busy.

BB rollin' out one morning, he loves to accessorize!

 The hubs is still out of work and it's been a blessing considering we're still doing ECT once a week and he has to chauffeur me about that day and day after. Baby Bananaface is quite a handful lately with another language explosion of late along with some more forceful expression even when it's gibberish (take this morning when he yelled over-and-over, "MUSHROOM! MUSHROOM?" as I loaded him into the car after CrossFit, I'm glad he enjoys mushroom hunts, just not sure the entire zipcode needs to know about it).

Painting w/ mom (whoa, that's weird to type!)

Apparently baking biscotti is a full-contact sport

Oh, today is my birthday. As is the new tradition of sorts I made thank you notes and treats for a few special folks, namely my CrossFit crew. I brought three different types of biscotti (almond lemon, cocoa honey almond, almond cardamom) and my favorite almond joy bran muffins. I just love me a bran muffin. Screw birthday cake, give me the muffins. Threw some cardamom in those too! Hot damn!

Like I said, things have been kinda hectic so I didn't make and send out as many 'Thank Yous' as I could've. As such, thank you to all of you in this marvelous blogging community. I wish we had been seeing more of each other of late!

Overall, things are on an upward trend but there have been some tough days. Yesterday or the day before I found myself sitting on the hubster's lap and crying, completely drained and disheartened. Sure, there was a specific cause at that moment, I think it was overall an overwhelmation (new word there). I'm still having to take it slow even on the good days.

Comin' out of ECT

Headed into ECT

The hubs and I have been enjoying more movie/TV time together in the evening. Cuddling up or playing cards (this new one called "Snappy Dresser" is pretty good, even for two folks). I've been able to laugh and happy cry and handle the emotions of a movie, so that's good. And, as always, The Great British Baking Show is always a good fall back.

*sigh*

That's all I've got for now. I need to hydrate, I got my heating pad on my lady business (started my period right after the warm-up run this morning! happy birthday!). It's time for some pleasant TV and perhaps a bit of chocolate....

Hugs and happiness and best hope to you all... It's a blue-skied brisk type of day here and I hope everyone else has decent weather themselves.

<3

Drawing for a CrossFit friend, I asked
for quotes to inspire me and sketched
whatever came to mind.

Artwork I did for a CrossFit friend