Something Words Label Here

The days have been indecisive. I know that I've been feeling the same, it just seems like the weather has been more viciously so. My type of indecisive is a quiet desperation for direction, while the weather just likes slapping us all around.

I knew the transition from observation hours back to the old status quo would be challenging like any other change of pace. As it is, this first week feels like a month has passed. I have lost motivation with my studies, found myself wondering if I'm ever going to be able to eat better or push myself more at gym. The judgments have crept in. I feel trapped in an in-between space. I want to improve and yet I'm afraid to strive for fear of the pressure. Pressure. Not quite the possibility of failure, more the possibility of pushing myself to a breaking point, win or lose.

It is a good thing that I want to feel better... there must be a way...

... I don't know.

I do know that some of my gym friends are leaving this summer and I'm already starting to grieve. It was tough enough going to a different class time during my observation hours and now my old class isn't quite going to be my old class anymore.

I do know that the last few days have been especially rough. I've been exhausted and spending lots of time on the couch. At least I've seen the shift and am aware of the downward trajectory, maintaining some perspective on my mood and mental health. Noticing a downturn doesn't mean a bottoming out MUST happen.

It's an awkward, unique experience observing myself like that. Seeing my symptoms crop up and sensing that shift toward a more self-conscious, alienated place. People around me still reach out, chat, include me and yet I feel like I'm being pushed out. It's more of a pulling, I would say. My disease telling me I don't belong, that I'm not good enough. I don't seem to be pushing them away-I'm nice as ever-but I withdraw, pulling myself away.

Oy! 

All this thinking and I've met my quota!

Got to read around a bit today and really enjoyed it <3 Glad to see familiar pages :o)

Take care.

Hannah OUT!

"Ahh" & "Argh"

I finished my observation hours yesterday for my Master's of Arts in Teaching. Over 75 hours observing teachers in action over a month, an arrangement hastily devised on short notice due to my oddly paced schooling.

It was quite stressful for me arranging the observation hours as well as making the transition into such a busy, different schedule and maintaining that schedule/lifestyle change for the month. Lots of driving, frantic meals, messy home space, and bickering with the boys. As aware as I was that I was over-stressed and not able to effectively cope and interact with the hubs and Baby Bananaface, there was/is still some grating there.

Hubster is stressed by his commute and the challenge and effort required by a more demanding job. BB is probably stressed himself by the energy in the house and jostling between daycare and time with Grandma... he's been having some odd potty issues.

This morning, for instance, he took of his pj pants and nighttime nappy (Pull-ups) and instead of going to the toilet as he had been doing for months he grabbed some clothes out of his closet, tossed them on the floor, and pissed on them.

WHAT

THE

HELL

?

This isn't the first time either... he has been doing this "pee on the clothes" thing and even peed in his desk. With my chaos I haven't been able to focus much on it. Now that I'm wrapping up this observation project I'm shifting focus to BB.

Anyhow. You may be able to tell from these flustered words that I'm feeling a bit hair-brained. An "ahh" from finishing the observation hours, and an "argh" for the transition ahead and mothering challenges.

One thing at a time. I know this. Yet my brain keeps leaping around like some caffeine-charged parkour clown.

School. The Hubs. Baby Bananaface. CrossFit. Weight loss. Muscle gain. Better food  choices for out family. Friends. Family. Relax. Work. Treatment. Appointments. Heat. Sun. Burns. Sweat.

I know it's the right thing to take breaks, do puzzles, watch goofy TV shows and drink water... still I feel frantic. It's time for settling down. Transitioning. Trusting the calm again.

It's time to take time.

One thing at a time.



Thinking of you, Hannah :o)

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Hannah W. shared 1 photo with you

Hannah W. shared a photo with you  View photo You received this mail because Hannah W. shared these photos with you. If you no longer wish to receive email notifications of shared photos, unsubscribe here. Get the Google Photos app Google LLC 1600 Amphitheatre Pkwy Mountain View, CA 94043 USA