The days have been indecisive. I know that I've been feeling the same, it just seems like the weather has been more viciously so. My type of indecisive is a quiet desperation for direction, while the weather just likes slapping us all around.
I knew the transition from observation hours back to the old status quo would be challenging like any other change of pace. As it is, this first week feels like a month has passed. I have lost motivation with my studies, found myself wondering if I'm ever going to be able to eat better or push myself more at gym. The judgments have crept in. I feel trapped in an in-between space. I want to improve and yet I'm afraid to strive for fear of the pressure. Pressure. Not quite the possibility of failure, more the possibility of pushing myself to a breaking point, win or lose.
It is a good thing that I want to feel better... there must be a way...
... I don't know.
I do know that some of my gym friends are leaving this summer and I'm already starting to grieve. It was tough enough going to a different class time during my observation hours and now my old class isn't quite going to be my old class anymore.
I do know that the last few days have been especially rough. I've been exhausted and spending lots of time on the couch. At least I've seen the shift and am aware of the downward trajectory, maintaining some perspective on my mood and mental health. Noticing a downturn doesn't mean a bottoming out MUST happen.
It's an awkward, unique experience observing myself like that. Seeing my symptoms crop up and sensing that shift toward a more self-conscious, alienated place. People around me still reach out, chat, include me and yet I feel like I'm being pushed out. It's more of a pulling, I would say. My disease telling me I don't belong, that I'm not good enough. I don't seem to be pushing them away-I'm nice as ever-but I withdraw, pulling myself away.
Oy!
All this thinking and I've met my quota!
Got to read around a bit today and really enjoyed it <3 Glad to see familiar pages :o)
Take care.
Hannah OUT!
I understand the feeling you describe so well. It’s good you can observe it. Hang in there, friend. Couch time isn’t always a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteThanks :o) Glad to hear I'm not alone here!
DeleteCouch time is sometimes an essential thing.
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that, still revisit from time to time.
Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteThis, very much so!
Elsewhere from Amsterdam
Noticing a downturn doesn't mean a bottoming out MUST happen.
DeleteI meant to include this quote!
Elsewhere
Yes! Love it! Thank you :o)
DeleteChange is hard for me and I can't imagine how hard it is for you. You should just work couch time into your schedule. Exhaustion is your body telling you that rest is needed.
ReplyDeleteThanks for checking in. We all care.
Thank you :o) The hubs just got me a new puzzle book, so couch/bath time is on the horizon for sure
Delete