Es-spah-nol

The hubby and I were discussing how little Spanish we each knew when this conversation ensued....

"Fio's last owners might have been Spanish speakers. He's probably used to, 'Gracias George!' Hahaha." Kev said.

"Uh, it would've been 'Gracias Jorge' in Spanish." I replied.

"Uh NO, that's with a J!"

"Jorge is George in Spanish."

Pause.

"Whoa. My boss is named George?! This changes everything!."

Oh what silliness we create haha

Monday

I have been pretty numb lately. I can't imagine the despair in Connecticut on Friday and all through the weekend. I can't even really comprehend my own pain. I think I've been gray for so long I don't realize my mood slipping into the black and I don't know how to hold onto the happy white. Not much distinction.

I'm not sure if the antidepressants or depression is to blame for my mental cloudiness, but it definitely complicates things. Depression is a sneaky disease as it is and when this numbness sets in it's a fog like wool over my eyes, and the disease becomes even more slippery.

Even now, as I write this, I feel like I should  be more angered or empowered to fight back and yet I hardly hold enough motivation to get off the couch for a glass of water or bathroom break. I am physically disabled by the chemical imbalance in my brain and mentally immobilized by the crippling disgust with  myself. It's a vicious cycle.

I don't care about myself enough. I don't value Hannah.

Listening to the radio this morning (KIRO 97.3 FM) I heard John Curly tell a story about one his childhood friend's struggle with mental disease and subsequent radio hosts discuss the lack of value put on human life and pervasive feeling of isolation even in our social media-riddled high tech society.

It rang so true. I don't value my life. I don't feel like a sacred being. I feel that without success or accomplishments I retain absolutely no value-just another carcass. I feel isolated and alone. Misunderstood and unwanted.  Worthless.  How do you work up the gumption to save something you don't value? Especially when it causes so much distress, anxiety, and pain for me and my family.

I see how little human life is valued all over the world and reason that unless I make some outstanding contribution to humanity I'm  not worth the space I take up or the oxygen I breathe.

Maybe I think this way because of a decade of depression or maybe it's not a completely uncommon thought process, but I do know that the self-harming and suicidal thoughts I consider so often aren't healthy or "normal."

It's not an acceptable way to live. Someday I might have the hope and strength to change things. For now, I'm barely holding on with the remnants of hope left to me waiting for something to go my way and help me out of this hole.

The Tub

Its an eight-pawed furry fury of masculine power divided by one thick wedge of tub and a world of differences....

Can there be peace????

Dreary

I feel about as shitty as the weather. Or as shitty as the weather would seem to an out-of-towner that is...

Today was rough but the truth of it is nearly anything could have broken me at nearly anytime yesterday, last week, today, or tomorrow. I've been tiptoeing across an ax blade for weeks.

Since ornament season hit I've been pushing myself a little harder than I should. Going from a 0-hour work week to 40+ work week was a big shift and has hit me hard, especially since I wasn't in a healthy place before the holidays.

I didn't realize how numbed out I've been until a little pressure was applied and all the weak spots I've painted over have collapsed in again. The hubby wanted to cancel my non-insurance medical provider and switch me to a local provider covered by Group Health but after some encouragement from my counselor I made an appointment with my well-liked ARNP last week.

We upped my meds back to 40 mg. The hubby says I've been reacting to the shift, but I can't tell if it's meds or just me. Either way, it feels.. depressing.

This year I haven't been feeling much Christmas cheer and I've yet to watch a Christmas flick, but I whipped up some sugar cookie dough tonight and the fufu Christmas sprinkles the hubster got me are helping get me there. Tomorrow or Friday I'll be able to bake 'em up and ice them, and hopefully I'll get to watch my fav, "Holiday Inn."

One of many to come...

Ugh.

You know it's a bad day when you're telling yourself, "I'm worth oxygen" over and over again trying to get yourself to believe it.... And you just don't.

My head hurts, just not as much as my heart.

You know he's hungry when...

Yep.

The Perks

Been working on ornaments a lot but got some nice breaks with PAWS and flowers from the hubby-my fav!

Yum!

Wow. These are good. Nuff said.

My Wedding

Okay. It's been a long time coming but here's the wedding recap :o)

Right after our ceremony at 9:30 am in Ashford, WA at Copper Creek Inn

Our wedding weekend extravaganza began on Thursday morning but I'll just take things from the day of, that Saturday. 

We woke up around 7:30 am and amazingly I was refreshed, well-slept, and ready to go. The fiance and I brewed some coffee and warmed up in front of the river stone fireplace while he finished up his vows. He presented me with my day-of gift-some beautiful aquamarine stud earrings *SPARKLY!* and I booted him out by 8:15 am. 

The unity painting prepared for the ceremony

Turned out a smaller curling iron makes it take at least twice as long to curl your hair but otherwise everything went smoothly and even though I wanted to be exactly on time, we may have been ten minutes late to the ceremony. 

Everyone was worried about the rain but except for a short shower that morning, there wasn't any rain falling. We even had breaks of blue sky during and shortly after the ceremony. 

Throughout the ceremony I kept thinking to myself, "This is perfect. I wouldn't change everything, everything is perfect!" Our fathers' each gave a little speech/reading and our unity painting went well and everyone seemed to enjoy the show. 

Our finished painting with the branches and trunk painted during the ceremony

My sister did my flowers and I LOVED my bouquet. She even worked in pheasant feathers for me and 13 tulips (favorite number and favorite flower) and the amaranthus was perfectly quirky and whimsical. 

Following the ceremony we snapped some pictures before heading indoors to sign the documents and make the marriage official. We munched some muffins and took some more pictures before different factions broke off for relaxation and games or reception prepping. 

The pinata my bestie and I made for my hubby to bust apart

The hubby, photographer, my best friend, and I went into Mt. Rainier Nat'l Park for some couple shots and it was snowy! We had lots of fun tromping around all dressed up and checking out the snowy park we had last seen in the summer sun. A Stellar's Jay even flew onto a branch near us (one of my favorite birds).

After that we had tea, played Farkle, and relaxed a bit before the reception. 

The weather took a turn for the worse, but I didn't really notice or care. We had about 50 people at the reception and even though it was raining everyone seemed to enjoy the food and decorations in high spirits. The food was amazing! Smoked turkey, fried macaroni & cheese, and baked beans-delicious. 

Our cake was also amazing. I didn't get any pictures myself but it was a cute three tier with ferns and acorns and mushrooms. The hubby had a groom's cake with a National Forest road sign, complete with chocolate rocks! The flavors were awesome-Italian cream cake, strawberry shortcake cake, white cake and raspberry mouse, and white chocolate raspberry cheesecake. 

The reception was somewhat derailed by a dip in the temperature and a short snowfall (I was delighted while most people seem mortified haha) we had our toasts and cake before the reception seemed to fall apart and people ran to their cars and left or took cover in the lodge. Most people just left and unfortunately those that stayed in the lodge didn't stay long enough to see the reception get back on track.

Eventually we had our first dance and daddy/daughter dance and demolished the pinatas. After a short hot tubbing break we returned to the lodge for games and a snack before returning to our cabin for the night. We we shocked to find our beater decked out in ribbons and hearts proclaiming us as newlyweds-there were even cans wired onto the back!!!

Even with the crazy weather and disorder, I wouldn't have changed a thing. The hubby and I had a great time and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I didn't want an overly-formal reception and although we didn't expect the snow flurry to upset our plans I enjoyed the laid back approach we took to "make it work."

And now, I am Mrs. Hannah W-------!

Guilty As Charged

Okay, I haven't been posting a lot lately. I'm gonna flash my wedding card and call it good.

In a couple of weeks I'll have my brain back and actually write something, but til then just some PAWS kitties :o)

Grey, soft, adorable!

A cat called Owl

"ALIEN TOY! MINE!"

"Meh. I can entertain myself."

Much Needed Cuteness

PAWS Cuddles-Raisin, Cleo, and ... uhh that black & white one!

KITTEHS!

 Iroh's fashionista side, Millie doing her human sit and Millie getting trashed.

Oh yeah.... Blog!

Well, it's been awhile! I have been busy, but not that busy. The real thing is that I've been mulling and thinking and unsure what to share.

The wedding is barreling toward us and I've been facing some feelings I didn't really expect.

I'm a minimizer. When I have bad feelings I assume that I've done something wrong. It's a tough lesson accepting that someone wronged me and trying to cope with the feelings it gives me-I just don't know what to do! It makes me feel selfish and whiny and worthless, but I'm trying to embrace my self worth and realize that my feelings are valid.


So what is this all about?

I've been feeling like a D-list bride.

D-list (n) Definition: a group considered below all others, considered below all standards

My conditioned response is to chastise myself, feel shame and call myself selfish. I shove my feelings in the closet and try to ignore the sadness, which usually results in binge eating or misdirected anger-but that's my status quo.

I was feeling a little down about my wedding experience so far when I went to my first dress fitting and became aware of some regret regarding my dress.

It's a beautiful dress and I love it, but it didn't feel like a decision I made for myself. It is pretty traditional and I wanted something a little funky. My fiance says I got steamrolled and I didn't even realize it until he mentioned something.

My fiance helped me pick out a reception dress that is more "me" and I felt bridal for the first time-but that wasn't the real moment I realized I'd been missing out. I realized I'd been missing out when we had our cake tasting at my bestie's house.

I felt spoiled. I felt like my opinion really mattered. I was happy to share the experience with my best friend and her husband, but I didn't feel pressured. It was fun and unlike anything I'd ever experienced, being surrounded by people interested in my opinion and not caring about crowd pleasing or saving face or expectations.

After that the cogs starting turning and strange feelings descended upon me. It took a few days, but it dawned on me that I was disappointed with my bridal shower. In addition, I've been struggling to get help from my family with certain wedding projects and I began to realize how snubbed I really felt.


I don't feel special. I don't feel like a bride. I feel like the same old Hannah taking care of everything and worrying about everyone else. I'm sick of it.

If I don't get help with things-so be it. If people think I'm too oddball or asking for too much-yeah right! My standards are still exceptionally low the only change is that I've raised them from rock bottom by about two notches.

If I can only feel special with certain friends and my fiance, then I'll lean on them even more and ignore the negativity.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'm not going to minimize it away, suppress my needs and waste the opportunity. I'm a bride just this once and as much as I've tried to rationalize it away into something "not so important" the reality is that it does mean something to me and I want to remember it well.

I give myself permission to be special, spoiled, and sparkly.

Bring on the mimosas!

Ahhh

A lovely Sunday :o)

No burning hot sun and a comfortably cool, overcast day! I savored my hot coffee and snuggly couch time watching old Star Trek movies with the fiance and pets.

We had a nice walk along the lakeside and watched a heron snap up a fish! Never ceases to captivate me watching a heron tread the water so slowly then suddenly explode into action and POOF! all of sudden a fish is whisked out of it's aquatic refuge.

Ahhh.

I've been very contemplative for some reason. It feels like my subconscious is chewing on something but I'm not quite sure what it is. The fiance and I had a very interesting conversation about death and some sort of reincarnation/evolution but I don't think that's what was truly on my mind. Maybe it was just a part of what I'm working on in there. Maybe it will help me with my vows!

Oh well. Time will tell! I'm brewing up something. It feels good to be back to my truer self. My thinky quirky self instead of stagnant and trapped, my thoughts feel directed toward some sort of accomplishment.

I'm chugging along-not quite bullet train speed, but we're moving forward.

Wahoo!

Labor Day Post C

Pleasant surprises from the fiance today...

You know when you feel jilted or stepped on/offended and then that person who seemed to have no clue they had hurt you turns around and suddenly apologizes and makes you feel like a million bucks?

Yeah, he did that today :o) My $16 outfit he didn't seem to notice, he noticed, and he made it feel like Versace! (I know so little fashion I'm not even sure that's spelled correctly!)

Then, just now, we were watching "27 Dresses" after he had resisted partaking for nearly a week and he was laughing! Actually getting into one of my girly fun frufru movies and he said, "Well, those rom-coms do that to ya, they sneak up on ya." Haha

It was adorable watching him getting sneak-attacked by a rom-com, especially because they're so much more fun to watch with someone else :o)

It got me in more of a wedding mood, although I must say I think there is a gross exaggeration by the media about it "being the bride's day." Maybe it's just how I was raised but I expect to be putting out fires and running around like a chicken with my head cutoff the entire time, I don't know where all this "bride worship" came from! Maybe I'm just too worried about taking care of everyone else? Afraid of being taken for a bridezilla?

I don't know. Whatever it is, it's exhausting. Must be wedding flu.

Labor Day Post B

In addition to a wonderful walk the fiance and I explored some of my anxiety over my upcoming bridal shower.

I was a little surprised to feel such an intense physical reaction to the topic.

The pain is a dull sucking ache in the center of my chest, like a melon baller scooped out my heart center and left a yawning void. A lump in my throat and had a hard time breathing accompanied the aches.

After a little discussion my mind took me back to a party thrown for me ten years ago...

It was my thirteenth birthday (I'm pretty sure, but not certain) and my dad and I spent a good chunk of the day in Seattle. We went up in the Space Needle and I almost made myself sick watching the ground swoosh up past me when we descended in the elevator.

It was a wonderful time and I cherish the memory, but when we returned to the house my memories are a little less welcome.

Upon entering I was shocked to find a large gathering and surprise party in my honor. I was so overwhelmed and shocked and grateful that I began to cry and ran upstairs to my room embarrassed. My mother followed me and chastised me for not thanking my guests, telling me to pull myself together and get back downstairs.

I still carry the pain from that brief moment so many years ago. Who knows how I would've handled myself had my mother given me time to compose myself and come downstairs on my own-but her reaction as it occurred has haunted me for a long time.

Now I'm anxious about the bridal shower my mother is hosting. Having parties hosted for me or receiving gifts has been hard for me for years between memories of that day and an overwhelming since of guilt and feeling I don't deserve that which is bestowed on me.

I'm nervous about interacting with the guests and being the center of attention as well as potential chafing comments from my mother. But expecting the worst will get me nowhere.

I just have to do my best. Be genuine and let any hurtful comments roll of my back. I am genuinely grateful for what I receive and while I struggle to feel like I deserve such nice things, I don't need to feel even worse because someone else has conflicting feelings themselves or doesn't understand me.

*deep breaths* I'm just gonna be me! And if that isn't enough I'll pop the good ole Xanax!

Labor Day Post A

Today has been a wonderful "off day" as the fiance put it ;o)

Our walk around the lake with Fio made me appreciate our beautiful lake and remember all the awesome nature sightings we've had here....

Today we saw a turtle, some sort of diving bird, dragonflies, and of course our friendly neighborhood ducks.

Earlier this week we identified a Green Heron-it was very exciting for us! We went from a "baby heron" to a Night Heron to an American Bittern and finally to the real thing! It was a wee bit romantic thinking of our retirement years ahead as an older cute couple birding together!

We've also spotted a beaver, rats, some sort of swimming muskrat thing our local pair of eagles and a variety of other waterfowl including Bufflehead and American Coots.

I'm glad to have these moments where I pause and genuinely appreciate my "backyard." :o)

Trip Sevens

A mildly creepy moment this evening when the fiance and I checked out 7 items from the library and I remembered a character from the Star Trek episode we'd watched with dinner was called "Gary Seven" AND in Boot Camp today I did a seven station exercise series.

Creeeeepy!

Seven-Seven-Seven this Monday, for whatever it's worth!

Playing Our Hand

The fiance and I were enjoying a game of Progressive Rummy-as we often do-and we had a funny, bittersweet moment that went something like this....

"You know what's funny?" I asked as I discarded a two of hearts and sat back in my chair.

"This?" he replied as he drew a playing card and emptied his hand onto the table. He laughed as I slumped, jotted down points and scooped the cards up to shuffle for the next hand.

"I was just thinking that if we hadn't gone to California we could have afforded a honeymoon." I smirked and gazed wistfully into his eyes.

Gazing lovingly back he laughed, "Yeah, that occurred me on the flight back home."

The trip had been more pain than pleasure and the only perk had been some quality time with his parents, which we could have got for much cheaper here in Washington. We couldn't really afford the airfare just as we couldn't afford to drive there, but we both thought making it to his sister's wedding was more important than maintaining a positive balance in our bank accounts.

"Well, we're good people." I sighed and shuffled.

"Yeah," he chuckled, "and that will make our honeymoon all the sweeter when we finally get around to it."

"Yeah." I smiled and dealt the cards.

It might be years or just months, but when we get our honeymoon, by golly, it'll be a good one! We'll have a honeymoon at home this October with our pets and hometown favorites in addition to a fun wedding weekend!

And that, my friends, is how we're playing our hand.

;o)

Dismay

I was looking for the perfect word to describe my mood and I think the closest match is dismay.

Definition of DISMAY

1

: to cause to lose courage or resolution (as because of alarm or fear) <must not let ourselves be dismayed by the task before us>

2

: upset, perturb <were dismayed by the condition of the building>

I'm upset, I'm afraid, I'm sad, I'm angry, and most of all I'm disappointed. 

Ya'll know that I'm getting married this October. Soon I'll be a new member in a family with its own history and dynamics that I'll probably never fully understand and haven't had much of a chance to learn about even over my long engagement. 

This past weekend was my one of my future sister-in-law's weddings and I experienced an unfortunate crash course in that pending family's tumultuous status quo. Don't get me wrong-this isn't a horribly abusive trailer trash alcoholic mess of a family but they have their anguish and long preserved pains that make some suburban families look like the Cleavers.

Regardless of the burdens they carry my in-laws are a good bunch of people. I love my parents-in-law and while my fiance and I would like to be closer to his siblings, we appreciate them as much as we can without knowing them all that well as individuals. 

Anyways. The crash course.

The decades-old conflict in the family is almost constantly center stage (at least for us). Visits to his parents' house always involve wistful allusions to children lost and we all share a sense of exhaustion and desperation. We can't figure a path toward reconciliation. 

While my fiance is one of the most sensitive to the family conflict he's also one of the least exposed. He's the youngest in the family, the closest to the parents, and a fair stretch younger than any of the other siblings. As empathetic and willing to resolve the issues as he may be-he is mostly counted out and very often belittled for his "ignorance." 

As his soon-to-be wife I'm very much on his side and his partner in all of this. As such, when he was feeling attacked this past weekend I came to his side and did my best to defend him. Turns out my rudimentary knowledge of family affairs led to more complications and upheaval than resolution in the skirmish and we left  for our flight feeling dejected, unappreciated, unwanted, frustrated, and heartbroken. 

We apologized for our missteps, but as I've posted about previously did receive the same treatment from the offending party. We understand that we most likely never will and have been told to "let sleeping dogs lie" and act on the assumption that nothing is wrong until we are blatantly told that someone is hurting, offended, or alluding to something serious. 

A tall order, eh? Especially for two people like us so sensitive to the pain of others and so resistant to leaving old wounds to fester. But what more can we do? We don't want to be completely excised from the family and yet we don't want to partake in the preservation of these negative relations. 

I suppose we can just be ourselves.

Let others know when we feel looked down upon or ridiculed or when something hurts our feelings (apparently there is NOT much value put on feelings but what we value we will protect) and we'll trudge forward. 

Our home will be a happy one and we will strive to improve relationships instead of preserve broken ones and if they don't like it-oh well, maybe they'll feel as awkward and unwelcome as they make us feel (although we'd rather they feel loved and supported and welcomed and appreciated).

There were much brighter spots during my weekend abroad but those belong in a different posting... For now I'm savoring my lovely overcast Washington weather and excitedly awaiting a fresh pot of coffee *yippee!*

Dress fitting later tonight-will update more later :o)

Some People...

Whatever happened to apologies? Apologies aren't for saying sorry something happened-I can apologize for the rain falling but what meaning does that hold? I see apologies become much more effective when you apologize for what effect was caused-I'm sorry the rain falled and ruined your painting, you must feel sad. I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. But no one seems to remember those apologies.

I'm sure everyone would rather leave those bad feelings behind, create someclosure and conciliation but it is hard to find those sincere feelings and approach them so directly with a genuine apology.

Why all this apology talk? Because I wanted such an apology from someone who hurt me, but he doesn't seem to understand this fine art of reconciliation. He prefers to file all the bad feelings and hurtful exchanges in the "crap" folder and move on-but I dont see that as really moving on... It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, it's about acknowledging and respecting someone else's feelings and showing you care with a meaningful apology.

I may never get my apology from him even though I gave him mine, so I'll write it here for myself. "Hannah, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings and made you feel like I could take you or leave you as part of this family. We both misunderstood some things and I will try to be more sensitive in the future." *hug it out* Then we could move forward and learn from this instead of continuing a useless pattern.

Not sure that's gonna happen. Some people just like their old, familiar emotional stew and marinate in it til the day they die. Enjoy yourselves! I'd rather drain the old muck and get fresh new bubbles and clean water :o)

Yuck

I feel yucky.

It's not a total yuck factor ten but I feel ugly and wore out and hopeless. I've been working out a lot and it feels good to feel exerted but I still feel empty and sad. Sad about being me.

How sad is that?

Oh Yeah!

This project turned out GREAT!

The fiance and I made these "make your own prayer flags" for our guests to do at our reception.

We made one sample banner (which is adorable) and then we have a variety of prayer flag colors for our guests to choose from.

The checklist is shrinking, but remains a formidable entity! Life will get a lot more boring after the wedding and all the projects are finished~or will it? Guess we'll see :o)

Fio the Super Pup

Such a cutie you can't take him foregranted!

Ruff

I'm really glad to have Fio lately. Sure, he's a work in progress and still a little unruly at times but he's a big help when I'm home alone and feeling down.

And sadly, those down feelings have been haunting me lately.

It's not quite my usual debilitating depression but a stalking negativity that paralyzes me. I feel almost paranoid the way these thoughts keep recurring.

And it's not just self-harming, suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. It's feeling bad about the housekeeping and having too much junk and been worried about my treatment plan's effectiveness. It's weird because I've been more social and active than ever these last few weeks, but my heart is weak.

In therapy we've been talking about a deep, deep feeling of worthlessness and shame. I've been too afraid to confront the feeling before and in the past I've been able to placate my fears with superficial achievement in school or work. Now I don't have that band-aid. I simply AM and I don't see just Hannah as very worthwhile.

The sad part is I'm not a bump on a log. I've been churning out wedding decor and exercising and doing productive things, but my band-aid isn't working like it used to. I've lost my defenses and I have no back-up plan.

I'm bare. I'm raw. I'm broken. And I'm painfully aware of it without a way to cope.

I feel so vulnerable right now and confused, hurting and alone. The fiance tries to be supportive but I can't explain it and he doesn't understand what is going on-it's not the normal schtick and even if it was I think we're all sick of that by now.

Egh, before I slide into a muddy pit of despair I'm going to cut myself off. Maybe my next post will be about all the trippy dreams I'm having lately? Last night I got some bulky piece of an electronic tablet stuck under my upper lip and had to find a surgeon in Disneyland!

Kitchen Laughs

A good laugh feels great.

The fiance was cookin' away in the kitchen and the next thing ya know this is what I hear:

"The ONLY thing I want for the wedding is some f***ing measuring cups that don't bend when I scoop! Jesus Christ! This is ridiculous!"

Hahahaha Gotta love him-even when he's bested by a giant box of Bisquick.

A hearty chuckle really helps when my legs are throbbing from another attempt at jogging. So far I can go half a mile before I get going so slow the dog starts napping. Hopefully I'll be at it again Thursday!

Life At The Moment.

Life is a little rough at the moment. Not rocky road, but definitely not velvet.

The wedding is moving along and our pets are happy and healthy. The only wrench in our gears is finances. Well, the lack thereof.

We did however manage to scrape together some money to buy a used cat condo off my BFF for the kitties. They love it!

Millie has been a little territorial and pushed Iroh out of his little house a couple times, but overall they nap nicely together with Millie on the roof like Woodstock and Iroh in the house like Snoopy.

Some gorgeous hydrangea from my future mother-in-law's garden and my cutie pie, Millie.

So money is tight, nerves are frayed, and blood pressure is up. I feel trapped and don't know how to cope with failure-or feeling like a loser at least. I've never been in that position, and if I have been I've been suicidal or so down on myself I never learned how to deal with regular ole hard times.

In more important news I have a 5K to run in a couple weeks. Seriously. My legs are killing me. It's as if someone replaced my jumbo calves with jumbo pain organs!

Next Monday boot camp @ the Y starts and on the 12th I run the 5K in Seattle and then the week after the run I have a dress fitting in Alderwood.

August-here I come.